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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I’ve not been invited to sisters wedding

138 replies

BettyBurntBuns · 12/06/2021 21:40

Always had a tuff time with family. Sister sent me a random birthday card 18 months ago and I went to personally message her on What’s App to find I had been blocked.

Considering I had just changed my number and hadn’t messaged her in eight years (just family Whats App chats), I find it a bit odd.

Anyway her wedding is in a couple of months, no invite. I’ve asked my mum for clarity - she’s being cagey. Found out from SIL my sister was asking for email address... and I’m no longer part of the family Whats App group.

So.... I guess not.

OP posts:
BettyBurntBuns · 13/06/2021 09:16

@AmIPeriOrAreYouJustAnnoying

"As soon as I stopped caring it was like a weight off my shoulders. How they treat you is not a reflection of you as a person, it’s a reflection of them. How you react to that and live your life is up to you. Don’t look for acceptance and approval where you cannot get it as you will always be disappointed*"

This*

Yep! Can’t believe how f up some People treat others. It’s like trying to get coconut water out of a stone.
OP posts:
AmIPeriOrAreYouJustAnnoying · 13/06/2021 09:45

Fill your life with things you love doing op. Look for a way to let go of them. As someone said earlier, you only have one life.

I'm sorry it's been so hard to get help. You sound depressed and it's completely understandable.

I hope you find a way to move forward to happier times.

flyingant · 13/06/2021 11:13

@BettyBurntBuns
I don’t care about building a relationship with her. I don’t miss her. I do however hate this whole family dynamic I have where I’m pushed out and no one gets involved.

It sounds like building bridges with your sister is what may lead to you not being pushed out of the family. You have to be willing to do something to change the current situation though.

BettyBurntBuns · 13/06/2021 11:14

[quote flyingant]@BettyBurntBuns
I don’t care about building a relationship with her. I don’t miss her. I do however hate this whole family dynamic I have where I’m pushed out and no one gets involved.

It sounds like building bridges with your sister is what may lead to you not being pushed out of the family. You have to be willing to do something to change the current situation though.[/quote]
Nope it’s not just that.

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 13/06/2021 11:21

@Nofruitta

Sorry but non shallot 🤣. Family members can be very unkind sometimes. It sounds like it’s time to move on. Being related, doesn’t mean you have to friends. Clearly. My family are weird AF. NC for donkey’s years, yes it was horrible at first. I am glad now. Always soem drama lama doing the rounds.
If we're being unkind it's LLAMA. You're not wrong to feel hurt op especially if it keeps happening.
seeyouatthecrossroads · 13/06/2021 11:39

Not everyone gets on with their blood family - and after 8 years of minimal/no contact, expecting an invitation to a wedding is unrealistic, especially in these Covid times of reduced numbers.

The good news is that friends are the family you choose. If you and your family don't get along, that doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life without a support network.

It is difficult for anyone to make friends as an adult, I acknowledge that, but it's also an opportunity to forge relationships without bringing messy baggage with you. You don't have to tell them about all the twists and turns you've taken to become who you are now, you meet them as the person you are.

Maybe you have some work to do on yourself before you're ready to let new people into your life, and maybe it will take some time to form those deeper bonds with new people. But it is possible. It's a future to look forward to.

If you really were the terrible person you say you are, you wouldn't even be able to acknowledge your flaws - so there's scope for you to change.

And if you're not the terrible person you say you are, you're fine as you are.

Either way, you're not without hope.

There's no need to give us details of your medical history, but I understand that you have attempted to work through some specific issues, so there will be specific helplines available for you. Use them.

The Samaritans will listen, if that's what you want, but there are better people to get in touch with if you want advice.

For example, CALM is another charity that might be appropriate - and they're not just for men anymore, they're for everyone. Available from 5pm to midnight, via phone or web chat: www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/

BettyBurntBuns · 13/06/2021 11:47

[quote seeyouatthecrossroads]Not everyone gets on with their blood family - and after 8 years of minimal/no contact, expecting an invitation to a wedding is unrealistic, especially in these Covid times of reduced numbers.

The good news is that friends are the family you choose. If you and your family don't get along, that doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life without a support network.

It is difficult for anyone to make friends as an adult, I acknowledge that, but it's also an opportunity to forge relationships without bringing messy baggage with you. You don't have to tell them about all the twists and turns you've taken to become who you are now, you meet them as the person you are.

Maybe you have some work to do on yourself before you're ready to let new people into your life, and maybe it will take some time to form those deeper bonds with new people. But it is possible. It's a future to look forward to.

If you really were the terrible person you say you are, you wouldn't even be able to acknowledge your flaws - so there's scope for you to change.

And if you're not the terrible person you say you are, you're fine as you are.

Either way, you're not without hope.

There's no need to give us details of your medical history, but I understand that you have attempted to work through some specific issues, so there will be specific helplines available for you. Use them.

The Samaritans will listen, if that's what you want, but there are better people to get in touch with if you want advice.

For example, CALM is another charity that might be appropriate - and they're not just for men anymore, they're for everyone. Available from 5pm to midnight, via phone or web chat: www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/[/quote]
Everyone else is invited and they e had the same contact as me. Considering she makes no effort with their children, and I do.... it’s just annoying

OP posts:
seeyouatthecrossroads · 13/06/2021 12:21

@BettyBurntBuns You can't control the way that your sister feels about you, and comparing yourself to others is a recipe for heartache. You also don't know for sure what amount of contact they really have/what the state of their relationship is - if things really are bad between you and your sister, the rest of the family may be keeping things quiet to minimise arguments.

Focus on yourself, and finding your own happiness without them. There's no need for any gestures such as telling them what you're doing - just quietly withdraw and and work on yourself.

Your happiness and your self-worth do not have to be tied to your relationships (or lack of them) with your family.

jacks11 · 13/06/2021 12:41

OP, in the kindest possible way, I don’t think it surprising that after 8 years of minimal contact and knowing for at least 18 months that she wishes little contact with you (e.g. you have been blocked on her phone) that you have not received an invite to the wedding. Especially when it sounds like you have a large family and numbers may still be restricted to some extent due to covid. I think I would take it that you are not invited.

If you don’t like her, don’t want to build a relationship with her and don’t miss her at all, I am not really sure why you would want to go though? Or why you think she would want you to go. If you think about it- if you feel like that about her, I’d suggest there is at least a possibility she feels the same way about you. Would you invite someone you dislike abd who dislikes you to celebrate your wedding? I wouldn’t, as I would assume they would not care or way or another about my wedding/general happiness and would probably rather not be there.

I am not saying you are a bad person or are wrong to feel that way about your sister, you may well have good reasons for feeling and acting as you do (perhaps you both do, for all I know) but given you do feel that way I think it is probably reasonable that you aren’t invited to celebrate with her.

It is clear that you have complex and deep-seated problems arising from your family relationships (and probably childhood). It may well be that you are better concentrating your energies on those family members who you do like/wish to build positive relationships with (if any) and keep your distance from the rest. I hope you do manage to access the help that you need.

jacks11 · 13/06/2021 12:43

Sorry, typo- “would assume they don’t care one way or the other about my wedding/general happiness....”

BettyBurntBuns · 13/06/2021 16:42

[quote seeyouatthecrossroads]@BettyBurntBuns You can't control the way that your sister feels about you, and comparing yourself to others is a recipe for heartache. You also don't know for sure what amount of contact they really have/what the state of their relationship is - if things really are bad between you and your sister, the rest of the family may be keeping things quiet to minimise arguments.

Focus on yourself, and finding your own happiness without them. There's no need for any gestures such as telling them what you're doing - just quietly withdraw and and work on yourself.

Your happiness and your self-worth do not have to be tied to your relationships (or lack of them) with your family.[/quote]
Where do I get self worth from? Because if everyone is blocking me than where do I stand? Family are important because I have zero friends.

OP posts:
BettyBurntBuns · 13/06/2021 16:42

@jacks11

OP, in the kindest possible way, I don’t think it surprising that after 8 years of minimal contact and knowing for at least 18 months that she wishes little contact with you (e.g. you have been blocked on her phone) that you have not received an invite to the wedding. Especially when it sounds like you have a large family and numbers may still be restricted to some extent due to covid. I think I would take it that you are not invited.

If you don’t like her, don’t want to build a relationship with her and don’t miss her at all, I am not really sure why you would want to go though? Or why you think she would want you to go. If you think about it- if you feel like that about her, I’d suggest there is at least a possibility she feels the same way about you. Would you invite someone you dislike abd who dislikes you to celebrate your wedding? I wouldn’t, as I would assume they would not care or way or another about my wedding/general happiness and would probably rather not be there.

I am not saying you are a bad person or are wrong to feel that way about your sister, you may well have good reasons for feeling and acting as you do (perhaps you both do, for all I know) but given you do feel that way I think it is probably reasonable that you aren’t invited to celebrate with her.

It is clear that you have complex and deep-seated problems arising from your family relationships (and probably childhood). It may well be that you are better concentrating your energies on those family members who you do like/wish to build positive relationships with (if any) and keep your distance from the rest. I hope you do manage to access the help that you need.

All I wanted to know is, if I’m invited. To me it sounds like I’m not.... so I just wanted clarity.
OP posts:
seeyouatthecrossroads · 13/06/2021 21:00

@BettyBurntBuns It's clear that you haven't been invited. It's likely your mum doesn't want to tell you that herself, because it's between you and your sister, not between you and her. I don't think there's an instance in the history of the world of someone blocking and ignoring someone else, and yet wanting that person at their wedding.

On some level, you must know that you haven't been invited. Why do you need one of your relatives to spell that out for you? I half-wonder if it's because you already feel rejected, and you want to make yourself feel even worse by hearing it again. People are often their own worst enemy, and I wonder if that's true for you.

Self-worth starts with how you feel about yourself. If other people like you, that's lovely, but the most important thing in the world is to like yourself, and it really doesn't sound as if you're in a place where you do right now.

Forget about the wedding. Forget about the number of friends you have. What do you like about you? There must be something you like about yourself, even if it's a small thing?

If there are things that you don't like about yourself, can you change those?

For example, I decided I didn't like how fat I was. So I lost weight. I thought I wasn't very interesting. So I spent some time looking into potential hobbies, found one that seemed like it would be a good match, and I got into it.

No one gets to judge me apart from myself, and if I'm my worst critic, I need to balance that out by being my best advocate too, and telling myself to do things to make me happier and healthier. When you care about yourself, it becomes easier to let other people, and to build connections with them.

You can be your own best advocate too. And that's where the self-worth starts. With you, and your own feelings.

You are worth so much more than you think.

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