Page 5 | To think I’ve not been invited to sisters wedding

BettyBurntBuns · 2021-06-12T20:40:22+00:00

Always had a tuff time with family. Sister sent me a random birthday card 18 months ago and I went to personally message her on What’s App to find I had been blocked. Considering I had just changed my number and hadn’t messaged her in eight years (just family Whats App chats), I find it a bit odd. Anyway her wedding is in a couple of months, no invite. I’ve asked my mum for clarity - she’s being cagey. Found out from SIL my sister was asking for email address... and I’m no longer part of the family Whats App group. So.... I guess not.

Original poster

BettyBurntBuns · 13/06/2021 03:22

@me4real you know what’s really annoying is that you think because I’m unwilling to do whatever you deal best, I’m not trying.

Here’s a short snapshot of the last four months-
Meet with a psychiatrist last year three times. He decided L medication was best. Had to get the blood tests, make sure my mood/weather was stabilised. He spent a total of 2.5 hours with me from sept.
Have an appointment with a new psychiatrist because he’s left - 5 min consult to tell me I’m not getting L, she doesn’t want to give me something that could affect my liver etc. So that medication is now not available to me.

Psychotherapy - went through every single stepping stone, which involves being interviewed by psychologists to say my needs are “complex” to finally go to psychotherapy evaluation. 5 hours being assessed - she said I was suitable, and got put in the wait list. 18 months later I begin to start treatment. Covid was around and my mood was all over the place. Community mental health wouldn’t look after me as I was out of area. I had to stop psychotherapy and start again.

I was referred to my local trust psychotherapy and after the first hour where I gave her my life history, she told me in the middle of our second session I’m not suitable for treatment. So I did an informal complaint, nothing.

Went to GP, psychiatrist, crisis team and also community mental health. They can’t over rule.

OP posts:

Original poster

BettyBurntBuns · 13/06/2021 03:25

So at what point am I not doing the right thing?

I’ve been suicidal on X medication and it was only because I was able to meet a psychiatrist a few years ago who said they are causing that side effect and take Y. Y has lead me to be very stable. My go was trying to make me take X again, despite it having a bad time. My psychiatrist agreeded with me and so did the pharmacist.

So at what point would you suggest I swap medication when I’ve been stable?

Also you fail to understand I need talking therapies. I don’t have anyone to talk to. My parents said my breakdown in lock down was attention seeking. I have no close friends.

I’m doing the best with the resources I have.

Sure, come on here and think you know anything about what I’ve done and also the resources available for me. Z

OP posts:

TheTuesdayPringle · 13/06/2021 03:40

I’ve gone through every avenue to get NhS help and I’ve exhausted all resources

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Original poster

BettyBurntBuns · 13/06/2021 03:43

@TheTuesdayPringle

I’ve gone through every avenue to get NhS help and I’ve exhausted all resources

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Such is life I guess. Let me stop paying NI because I’m getting nothing back. Had to pay for preventable dentistry etc.

OP posts:

areforumsstillathing · 13/06/2021 04:08

@BettyBurntBuns if you don't want a relationship with your sister and don't miss her there's literally no point to your post. Move on with your life. You can't expect to people to try with you if you don't want to try with them. Blood is not always thicker than water, maybe try making some friends with other people who you do actually like.

TheTuesdayPringle · 13/06/2021 04:40

Such is life I guess. Let me stop paying NI because I’m getting nothing back. Had to pay for preventable dentistry etc.

Such is your life right now but it shouldn't be that way so I do hope that you find the strength to ask for help again one day. it sounds as though you've fallen between posts with regard to medical care which is very disappointing.

Stinkywizzleteets · 13/06/2021 04:43

OP I really feel for you on so many levels.

With regard to being the family outcast, I understand. I am too & I get excluded from many events. I realised they were not worthy of my attention, not the other way around. As soon as I stopped caring it was like a weight off my shoulders. How they treat you is not a reflection of you as a person, it’s a reflection of them. How you react to that and live your life is up to you. Don’t look for acceptance and approval where you cannot get it as you will always be disappointed.

Send a card to your mum Congratulating your sister on her marriage and ask her to pass it on at the appropriate time. You’ve then fulfilled that need and the rest is up to your sister but really I’d be walking away for good.

As for your mental health. Psychotherapy is just one branch of treatment and it isn’t suitable for everyone. I met with a psychotherapist once who argued with me and told me what my feelings were rather than listening to me and what I was actually saying, she made up a whole timeline of events that hadn’t happened and didn’t like that I disagreed with her timeline. Had she not decided I was not suitable for that form of therapy I would not have gone back. Psychotherapy isn’t the be all and end all.

You sound very much like a friend of mine who has BPD and who has fought hard to get treatment. She found support through an addictions support group that has no time limit and costs nothing to attend (it’s not AA or NA is for any addiction which I don’t want to reveal as it’s not my story but it’s behavioural rather than substance) . She also discussed with her psychiatrist the need to continue with appropriate talk therapy. She had to prove all sorts to be ‘allowed’ to continue with therapy but it has eventually started helping. EMDR has really helped her and you may need to try that a few times to find a practitioner that works with you. Be willing to engage with what they offer you and be honest with them about what works and what doesn’t. I have another friend who receives no support because she’s unrealistic about what certain therapies can do and expects them to fix her rather than for her to put in the work and fix herself. She just doesn’t understand this and so they don’t think it’s worth offering her therapy because only she can fix herself.

I think you need to go back to your psychiatrist and ask what they haven’t yet tried and ask to be out on waiting lists for it and also ask for a clinical psychologist again (not a counsellor and not a psychotherapist).

Good luck op.

Blondebakingmumma · 13/06/2021 05:24

OP im sorry you are feeling so down. You say you don’t want to have a relationship with your sister, but you want to be invited to her wedding.
I wouldn’t invite anyone to my wedding if I hadn’t seen them for 8 years and they weren’t interested in building a relationship.

I think you should express to your mum that you are hurt when excluded from family events. Although, your mum may feel torn between you and your siblings if they are the reason you are not included.

Good luck

LunaAndHer3Stars · 13/06/2021 05:28

OP you might find the stately homes thread helpful, it's a support thread for adult children of abusive families. It sounds like you're the scapegoat in your family.

Chloe333 · 13/06/2021 05:44

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Billandben444 · 13/06/2021 05:50

if you don't want a relationship with your sister and don't miss her there's literally no point to your post. Move on with your life. You can't expect to people to try with you if you don't want to try with them. Blood is not always thicker than water, maybe try making some friends with other people who you do actually like.
This is excellent advice but you've been offered plenty on here and been instantly dismissive. I'm sorry that you've exhausted NHS support and none of us on here are able to comment on your current meds as we're not professionals. AIBU can be a hostile environment when your mood is very low - perhaps repost on one where you might get more welcome advice?
Back to your original question - no, you're not being invited to your sister's wedding and the back story might explain why but I understand why you don't want to go into detail as it's nobody's business but yours. I hope you don't feel as low today.

Nicolastuffedone · 13/06/2021 06:45

If you got an invitation to the wedding, would you go? given that you do t like her and don’t miss her?

anon12345678901 · 13/06/2021 07:17

If you don't miss her or want a relationship with her, why would you expect an invitation? Weddings are expensive, I wouldn't pay for a no contact family member either.
I do hope you feel better this morning.

Melitza · 13/06/2021 07:32

Sorry you're having a tough time OP.
It's easy to kid yourself you don't need family until a big event happens and you're excluded.
You don't necessarily want to go to the wedding but you want to feel equal to those invited.
I get that.

My family don't exclude me as such but my younger db and dsis are the favourites and I can never work out why I'm different.

It's not you, it's them.
And you'll never know why.

CutieBear · 13/06/2021 07:57

I read your posts, but you haven’t explained why you and your sister don’t get on. Did you hurt her? Could you focus on building relationships with your other 8 siblings if it’s not working out with this sister?

Sakesman · 13/06/2021 07:58

Dear Betty. That must feel like shit. To feel put on the outside and experience that sense of rejection must be so difficult. I can see it’s bewildering. However, feeling shit and being shit are not the same thing as much as our mind tricks us into thinking they are. You have a nice sense of humour- the way you laughed at non shallot was sweet. Family dynamics are tricky and if you’ve got 10 siblings? Did I read that right- then the trickiness is multiplied. Therapy takes so long to work, it can be easy to get discouraged. What things have made you feel better in the past?

Sakesman · 13/06/2021 08:01

And Aibu is full of pedantic arseholes who like to be right in two sentences.
Put this in relationships. You’ll find more intelligent, reasonable and caring responses there.

Looubylou · 13/06/2021 08:40

I would assume you are not invited. This is something I would expect, from what you have told us about family relationships. Bad relationships ruin weddings.Based on what you tell us, the wedding is a high risk environment for tensions and drama. I wouldn't want to be part of that. You need to waste no further time thinking about this. If you are not receiving professional support for your emotional wellbeing, I strongly encourage you to do so. Start with your GP. Focus on improving your own wellbeing.

Looubylou · 13/06/2021 08:46

Apologies, didn't read your later posts regarding seeking support. I imagine Talking Therapies thought you needed a higher level of support. Don't give up, go back to your GP.

sixthtimelucky · 13/06/2021 08:55

I'm sorry some people have been so glib and insensitive to you on this thread when you have made it clear how much you are suffering with MH and working hard to get the right help.

So sorry if this is unhelpful, but there are several phone lines you can call for support and help on many MH charity websites. I know it's only a band-aid, but it might help at low times.

Do you exercise? Again I know you are probably rolling your eyes, but it helps me massively when I am anxious or depressed - a run, swim, walk in the woods, definitely outside if you can.

I know you need more support than this and I hope you can get it x

AmIPeriOrAreYouJustAnnoying · 13/06/2021 08:58

"As soon as I stopped caring it was like a weight off my shoulders. How they treat you is not a reflection of you as a person, it’s a reflection of them. How you react to that and live your life is up to you. Don’t look for acceptance and approval where you cannot get it as you will always be disappointed*"

This*

Original poster

BettyBurntBuns · 13/06/2021 09:07

@Stinkywizzleteets

OP I really feel for you on so many levels.

With regard to being the family outcast, I understand. I am too & I get excluded from many events. I realised they were not worthy of my attention, not the other way around. As soon as I stopped caring it was like a weight off my shoulders. How they treat you is not a reflection of you as a person, it’s a reflection of them. How you react to that and live your life is up to you. Don’t look for acceptance and approval where you cannot get it as you will always be disappointed.

Send a card to your mum Congratulating your sister on her marriage and ask her to pass it on at the appropriate time. You’ve then fulfilled that need and the rest is up to your sister but really I’d be walking away for good.

As for your mental health. Psychotherapy is just one branch of treatment and it isn’t suitable for everyone. I met with a psychotherapist once who argued with me and told me what my feelings were rather than listening to me and what I was actually saying, she made up a whole timeline of events that hadn’t happened and didn’t like that I disagreed with her timeline. Had she not decided I was not suitable for that form of therapy I would not have gone back. Psychotherapy isn’t the be all and end all.

You sound very much like a friend of mine who has BPD and who has fought hard to get treatment. She found support through an addictions support group that has no time limit and costs nothing to attend (it’s not AA or NA is for any addiction which I don’t want to reveal as it’s not my story but it’s behavioural rather than substance) . She also discussed with her psychiatrist the need to continue with appropriate talk therapy. She had to prove all sorts to be ‘allowed’ to continue with therapy but it has eventually started helping. EMDR has really helped her and you may need to try that a few times to find a practitioner that works with you. Be willing to engage with what they offer you and be honest with them about what works and what doesn’t. I have another friend who receives no support because she’s unrealistic about what certain therapies can do and expects them to fix her rather than for her to put in the work and fix herself. She just doesn’t understand this and so they don’t think it’s worth offering her therapy because only she can fix herself.

I think you need to go back to your psychiatrist and ask what they haven’t yet tried and ask to be out on waiting lists for it and also ask for a clinical psychologist again (not a counsellor and not a psychotherapist).

Good luck op.

Thanks. Please don’t diagnose me as having one disorder when I don’t.

OP posts:

Original poster

BettyBurntBuns · 13/06/2021 09:09

@Looubylou

Apologies, didn't read your later posts regarding seeking support. I imagine Talking Therapies thought you needed a higher level of support. Don't give up, go back to your GP.

Yes and I’ve gone through all the services.... amount of times I’ve had to have one hour consults is stupid..... I spend more time repeating the same information to professionals it makes me think that’s the purpose of medical notes lol

OP posts:

Original poster

BettyBurntBuns · 13/06/2021 09:10

@Looubylou

I would assume you are not invited. This is something I would expect, from what you have told us about family relationships. Bad relationships ruin weddings.Based on what you tell us, the wedding is a high risk environment for tensions and drama. I wouldn't want to be part of that. You need to waste no further time thinking about this. If you are not receiving professional support for your emotional wellbeing, I strongly encourage you to do so. Start with your GP. Focus on improving your own wellbeing.

Already have sought help and I’ve reached a dead end. Pls see other posts.

OP posts:

Londoncatshed · 13/06/2021 09:11

OP I am so sorry to hear of your difficult circumstances. Pls remember the Samaritans are always there to talk. I know this won’t solve your problems and you feel you need therapy but just a gentle reminder, that you can always talk to them. Best wishes