My Pregnancy, My Wine and DH.

[ThymeCrisis]

I’ve namechanged for this but I’ve been around a long time.

Last night DH and I went out for dinner. I’m 6 months pregnant. It was a lovely local Italian place and he ordered a Peroni, I ordered a glass of Prosecco. It was fairly late because he’d watched the first half of the football in the pub after work first, and I’d joined him later, so he’d already had a fair few pints beforehand.

For context, I have been having the odd (125ml) glass of wine or champagne or Prosecco approx once a week (occasionally twice, but I wouldn’t have two drinks on the same night) since I was 16 weeks or so. I felt too ropey before that to contemplate it. Always have the drink with food, always sip very slowly. I was big into wine before I got pregnant and after doing a lot of research (I do have the Emily Oster book but I read lots more research and have come to the conclusion that it’s a negligible ‘risk’ on such a small scale and felt comfortable with my decision. We are talking 1.5 units here.

DH was a bit quiet after I ordered the Prosecco. We had a nice meal and walked home, he then made himself a gin and tonic, and I had a fake version with an M&S seedlip rip off. I asked him if he was ok and why he’d been a bit off. He then said he had ‘come to terms’ with me having the odd drink at home but he’d felt really uncomfortable with me ordering anything alcoholic out in public, because I was visibly pregnant, and he was really worried about what other people in the restaurant were thinking.

I didn’t notice any judgement, and never have, but frankly I wouldn’t care if there was. He also reminded me of the time we had some family round and I had a glass of champagne, and said he’d felt unhappy about it then too.

The reasons he is giving are that he knows of no one who drank in pregnancy (bar our own mothers who drank according to the guidelines in the mid 80’s at the time) and he thinks a big reason I do it is to ‘challenge’ the patriarchy and to go against the rules, not because I truly fancy a glass of wine. This is bullshit but I have ranted before about pregnant woman being infantilised and deemed not capable of critical thought. We don’t really actually know many other friends that have gone through pregnancy either, but he maintains they would have cut out all alcohol. Yes I know what the NHS guidelines say but I’m of the opinion that they say ‘none at all’ because it’s safer than ‘trusting’ women to not underestimate the units in a glass of wine etc or use it as an excuse to binge. Which I would absolutely never do. I know what a unit is.

For what it’s worth I’ve cut down, but not eliminated, caffeine, and I eat soft cheese and Parma ham too, and I have my steak rare or medium-rare.

He is now saying that the drinking is not something he’s comfortable with anymore and just because I have a book that says it’s fine I just have no way to know if we’ve put our unborn son at risk or not, and if he was pregnant he wouldn’t touch a drop. He can’t handle me ordering a drink in public anymore as it just makes him feel too uncomfortable- it didn’t so much when I didn’t have a bump but he hates the fact that ‘people are judging and looking at us’ now that I do.

I fully expect to get some replies about how he’s right and I am being reckless with my pregnancy, and that it’s only 9 months and why can’t I just cut it out all together, and the answer is, I had weighed up or thought I’d weighed up, whether I truly I had to, and considered myself to be in very safe limits. I like the taste of good wine and the foods it goes with. Yes I’ve tried alcohol free wine and it’s rank, I’d be more likely to cut everything out than drink pretend versions.

So I’ve just woke up this morning upset that he’s had all these thoughts about me causing harm to our baby (for what it’s worth I had a miscarriage before this pregnancy, and I know that was not down to alcohol as I hadn’t drunk at all as I lost it in the first trimester, so it didn’t affect my decision to have the odd drink in this pregnancy) and also that he’s inflicting other peoples judgments on me and just generally making me feel really bad. He’s said that if the child has behavioural difficulties down the line then he can’t rule out that it could be down to drinking.

So hit me with it- am I being unreasonable?

The important question here is not 'AIBU?', but instead, 'why can't you stop drinking during your pregnancy?'

The important question here is not 'AIBU?', but instead, 'why can't you stop drinking during your pregnancy?'

No the important question is nothing to do with alcohol and everything to do with men’s right to control a women’s body.

@PegasusReturns

The important question here is not 'AIBU?', but instead, 'why can't you stop drinking during your pregnancy?'

No the important question is nothing to do with alcohol and everything to do with men’s right to control a women’s body.

Okay. So let's say OPs OH is female. Now what. Is it about drinking in pregnancy now?

1. OP, PPs suggesting you're an alcoholic are completely out of line. I am pregnant now and I don't drink during pregnancy, but being pregnant is very hard. I miss wine. I can completely understand how much you enjoy a small glass with a meal per week. And one 125 ml glass a week although regular, is not much.
2. Your husband's comments after he had not one, but several drinks are insensitive. And the fact he said he'd blame your drinking for any developmental problems later is awful.
3. People questioning whether you want this child are also very insensitive.
4. I voted YABU purely because you're basing your decision on a book and some "research" you've done yourself. I think you have a right to choose to risk drinking a little, eating stuff that are on the list to avoid, but you should accept the fact that it is a small risk. Just like we all take small risks in our lives all the time.
5. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm sure everything goes well and soon you'll hold a beautiful baby in your arms.

When I had my first 10 years ago, nhs advice on drinking in pregnancy was that you shouldn't drink more than 'one or two units once or twice a week'.

I distinctly remember my midwife merrily telling me so at my booking appointment.

Ducky - when I had my first 14 years ago everyone knew that we weren’t meant to drink when pg. people not drinking has been the first clue that someone is pg for yonks!

And yet in the thread about a woman smoking over a newborn, it was all “Be kind, you don’t know what she’s going through...”

No, you are misremembering (or maybe didn’t read many pages) @AngeloMysterioso. The vast, VAST majority of posters were condemning anyone smoking in front of a newborn, whatever their reasons. A few people said what you’re referring to but they were very much in the tiny minority.

But he's not pregnant

Well going by the logic on this thread if the OP is an addict (🙄) then why would the partner drink in front of her? The stress of it might harm the baby.

But he's not pregnant .

Right. He’s not bloody pregnant.
So let me get this straight - women on this forum think that there are different rules for op drinking because she’s pregnant, but no different rules for her DH in terms of the level of control he’s allowed to exert on her decisions about her body?
DOUBLE STANDARDS.

Either there’s a difference in their position and roles, or there’s not.

If there’s a difference he can drink what he likes , cos he’s not pregnant, and also stfu and let OP decide what she does with her own pregnant body.

If there’s no difference and they’re in this together, he can bloody quit drinking too to show some solidarity and respect. He himself said that if he were pregnant he would have no problem not drinking for 9 months, so why doesn’t he demonstrate how easy that is, and do it for his pregnant wife?

@awaketoosoon

But he's not pregnant

Well going by the logic on this thread if the OP is an addict (🙄) then why would the partner drink in front of her? The stress of it might harm the baby.

This too 🤣🤣

If there’s no difference and they’re in this together, he can bloody quit drinking too to show some solidarity and respect. He himself said that if he were pregnant he would have no problem not drinking for 9 months, so why doesn’t he demonstrate how easy that is, and do it for his pregnant wife?

This with bells on.

You are drinking to the guidelines that were out during my first pregnancy in 2008. By the time I had my second in 2010 they had changed them, not in response to evidence of how alcohol affects the foetus, but because of evidence that people were not very good at estimating what a unit of alcohol is.
I don't think you are being unreasonable. Your DH is worried about what people think and that's not unusual at all, it's only human. Perhaps as pp says you could say you won't drink when you're out if he doesn't too. Men have such cosseted lives in this respect it might help him have some empathy.
If you want some anecdata I drank in the region of 1.5 units a few times in my pregnancy with DD. She is 13, doing very well at school and a lovely girl. With DS i had similar to you, he is also a lovely kid, no health problems & doing well at school too.

@Bizawit

But he's not pregnant .

Right. He’s not bloody pregnant.
So let me get this straight - women on this forum think that there are different rules for op drinking because she’s pregnant, but no different rules for her DH in terms of the level of control he’s allowed to exert on her decisions about her body?
DOUBLE STANDARDS.

Either there’s a difference in their position and roles, or there’s not.

If there’s a difference he can drink what he likes , cos he’s not pregnant, and also stfu and let OP decide what she does with her own pregnant body.

If there’s no difference and they’re in this together, he can bloody quit drinking too to show some solidarity and respect. He himself said that if he were pregnant he would have no problem not drinking for 9 months, so why doesn’t he demonstrate how easy that is, and do it for his pregnant wife?

To be fair I don’t think OP is in the frame of mind to stop drinking even if her DH does.

What you’re missing here is the reality that DH DOES have a greater say in what OP does with her body right now because her body is growing HIS child.

I suspect your argument that DH is being controlling would fall a little flat if OP was doing something that was even more dangerous, for example injecting heroin or chain smoking, rather than her alcohol use. Or would you staunchly claim a father to be expressing his opinion that his wife shouldn’t be doing that is controlling then too?

What you’re missing here is the reality that DH DOES have a greater say in what OP does with her body right now because her body is growing HIS child.

That might be your unfortunate reality, it’s certainly never been mine. Thank Christ.

@MiddleParking

What you’re missing here is the reality that DH DOES have a greater say in what OP does with her body right now because her body is growing HIS child.

That might be your unfortunate reality, it’s certainly never been mine. Thank Christ.

Certainly not an ‘unfortunate reality’. We both made this baby, we both get to have a say and come to a joint agreement on what’s best for baby from the moment they are conceived. Not a cat in hell’s chance I’d do something that could potentially harm our baby if my husband was uncomfortable with it. I loved and trusted him enough to let him impregnate me after all, why would I then disregard his right to have a say over what happens to his child while I’m growing them?

@NeonDreams

This thread has shocked me and gives me the rage at how irresponsible people are with alcohol. No wonder the UK has a serious alcohol problem. Medical and scientific evidence and facts show that a woman drinking during pregnancy can cause significant harm to the fetus.

This, is established medical fact.

That women on here are trying to excuse pregnant women drinking shows the relationship with alcohol in this country is seriously disturbing. I am stunned at some of the comments on here from people I thought would have and should have known better. Some deeply disturbing posts on here.

It is a fact that moderate or heavy drinking during pregnancy may harm the baby but it is certainly not established that one small drink a week will have any effect. Guidelines were different when I was pregnant and babies were born no less healthy then than they are now.

Oster is an economist. (With research interests including health economics). Married to an economist.
She minimises the value of breastfeeding in the face of indisputable evidence. Justifies alcohol use. Argued schools should haven stayed open during COVID.

She seems to specialise in justifying less healthy, more risky decisions. Which sells books. Because that’s what some people want to hear.

I’m not sure I would be taking any advice about health from Oster.

The U.K. chief medical officer’s advice is not to drink any alcohol during pregnancy.

I think YABU. You are taking 'a my body my choice' approach to your unborn child. It is his baby too and to disregard his views is unfair.

It's irrelevant whether they are founded on health or judgement grounds. He feels strongly about something, has the right to an opinion on this topic and you should have come to a joint decision together that you can both respect and uphold.

If I was in your husbands shoes I'd feel completely the same. Taking calculated risks is fine when the consequences are solely born by you, but to override someone else's concerns when they also need to deal with any resulting issues is completely unfair.

Do you actually care about how he feels, or do you just care about being right?

@ChangPart1 I just don’t agree with you at all that he has a greater say in what she does with her body.
When I was pregnant I did not consider my body to be public property , or the private property of my baby’s father, just because it was harbouring a fetus with his genetic material.
Of course, I , like any well pregnant woman who wanted to keep the child , was conscious of the decisions I made and how it might impact the health of the pregnancy but we all have different boundaries and perceptions of risk. Some people give up coffee, even tea entirely, others don’t. Some eat soft cheese and salami and rare meat. Some do rigorous exercise , others consider that dangerous. Some people won’t get on an airplane or in a hot bath.

It’s the pregnant woman’s choice to make and nobody- not the state, her partner - anyone can claim otherwise . And that’s absolutely the way it should be if we don’t want to live in the handmaids Tale.

DId the OPs partner give up alcohol leading to conception? I presume yes.

@awaketoosoon

DId the OPs partner give up alcohol leading to conception? I presume yes.

I think in a pp she said he didn’t of course 🙄

I wonder if the defensive posters have a point at which they would consider the OP's DH's concerns justified. Two glasses a week? Three? A glass a day? A bottle a day? Or is it really "her body, her choice, end of"? It's just a question of scale, isn't it? Or would you also defend a pregnant woman who was choosing to drink vodka daily or smoke 40 cigs a day?

I don't think, from the OP, her husband is being controlling. It sounds like he's kept quiet about his unease for a while, voiced it now when asked and is now copping flak for being honest. Many women would feel the same, as this thread shows.

For what it's worth, I agree that if it honestly is one small glass a week, it's very probably OK, and I say that as someone who despises alcohol, due to all-too-painful experience of what it does to people.

@Ijustknowitstimetogo

She minimises the value of breastfeeding in the face of indisputable evidence.

You really ought to read her book and examine the evidence provided before making claims like this. She very clearly explains the evidenced benefits of breastfeeding at the end of her infant feeding chapter and shows how many of the alleged benefits of breastfeeding (such as higher IQ or decreases chance of obesity) have been debunked.

We need more people willing and able to examine and distil the evidence around parenting issues so that people can make decisions based on evidence rather than myths and woo tbh, the amount of misinformation out there is staggering.

In my pregnancies I didn't drink a drop, mainly cause the smell of alcohol made me heave, if it hadn't maybe I would have had the odd glass here and there

But I can say for certain my dh would have absolutely hated to see me do it. He wouldn't have stopped me but it would have upset him. He's very risk adverse