My Pregnancy, My Wine and DH.

[ThymeCrisis]

I’ve namechanged for this but I’ve been around a long time.

Last night DH and I went out for dinner. I’m 6 months pregnant. It was a lovely local Italian place and he ordered a Peroni, I ordered a glass of Prosecco. It was fairly late because he’d watched the first half of the football in the pub after work first, and I’d joined him later, so he’d already had a fair few pints beforehand.

For context, I have been having the odd (125ml) glass of wine or champagne or Prosecco approx once a week (occasionally twice, but I wouldn’t have two drinks on the same night) since I was 16 weeks or so. I felt too ropey before that to contemplate it. Always have the drink with food, always sip very slowly. I was big into wine before I got pregnant and after doing a lot of research (I do have the Emily Oster book but I read lots more research and have come to the conclusion that it’s a negligible ‘risk’ on such a small scale and felt comfortable with my decision. We are talking 1.5 units here.

DH was a bit quiet after I ordered the Prosecco. We had a nice meal and walked home, he then made himself a gin and tonic, and I had a fake version with an M&S seedlip rip off. I asked him if he was ok and why he’d been a bit off. He then said he had ‘come to terms’ with me having the odd drink at home but he’d felt really uncomfortable with me ordering anything alcoholic out in public, because I was visibly pregnant, and he was really worried about what other people in the restaurant were thinking.

I didn’t notice any judgement, and never have, but frankly I wouldn’t care if there was. He also reminded me of the time we had some family round and I had a glass of champagne, and said he’d felt unhappy about it then too.

The reasons he is giving are that he knows of no one who drank in pregnancy (bar our own mothers who drank according to the guidelines in the mid 80’s at the time) and he thinks a big reason I do it is to ‘challenge’ the patriarchy and to go against the rules, not because I truly fancy a glass of wine. This is bullshit but I have ranted before about pregnant woman being infantilised and deemed not capable of critical thought. We don’t really actually know many other friends that have gone through pregnancy either, but he maintains they would have cut out all alcohol. Yes I know what the NHS guidelines say but I’m of the opinion that they say ‘none at all’ because it’s safer than ‘trusting’ women to not underestimate the units in a glass of wine etc or use it as an excuse to binge. Which I would absolutely never do. I know what a unit is.

For what it’s worth I’ve cut down, but not eliminated, caffeine, and I eat soft cheese and Parma ham too, and I have my steak rare or medium-rare.

He is now saying that the drinking is not something he’s comfortable with anymore and just because I have a book that says it’s fine I just have no way to know if we’ve put our unborn son at risk or not, and if he was pregnant he wouldn’t touch a drop. He can’t handle me ordering a drink in public anymore as it just makes him feel too uncomfortable- it didn’t so much when I didn’t have a bump but he hates the fact that ‘people are judging and looking at us’ now that I do.

I fully expect to get some replies about how he’s right and I am being reckless with my pregnancy, and that it’s only 9 months and why can’t I just cut it out all together, and the answer is, I had weighed up or thought I’d weighed up, whether I truly I had to, and considered myself to be in very safe limits. I like the taste of good wine and the foods it goes with. Yes I’ve tried alcohol free wine and it’s rank, I’d be more likely to cut everything out than drink pretend versions.

So I’ve just woke up this morning upset that he’s had all these thoughts about me causing harm to our baby (for what it’s worth I had a miscarriage before this pregnancy, and I know that was not down to alcohol as I hadn’t drunk at all as I lost it in the first trimester, so it didn’t affect my decision to have the odd drink in this pregnancy) and also that he’s inflicting other peoples judgments on me and just generally making me feel really bad. He’s said that if the child has behavioural difficulties down the line then he can’t rule out that it could be down to drinking.

So hit me with it- am I being unreasonable?

[Kanitawa]

I think Op is selfish and selfish women don't make good mothers
This. God help you when you discover that you have to give up drinking permanently because you have a child to look after so you can’t afford to get pissed. I haven’t had more than two drinks at a time since 2016, and even then I’ve had to leave my drink halfway through while I go upstairs to see to a crying child, and when I come back it’s warm and flat.

[MiddleParking]

Its about being selfless and putting someone (your baby) before yourself. If you're struggling now then you are not responsible enough to bring up a baby.

How do you square this with all the many, many, many women who do drink in moderation in pregnancy and go on to do a fantastic job of bringing up their babies?

[WettyHainthrop]

I think Op is selfish and selfish women don't make good mothers @ThymeCrisis its not about you and what you fancy. Its about being selfless and putting someone (your baby) before yourself. If you're struggling now then you are not responsible enough to bring up a baby. Jeez.

@AGirlsGotToDo Would you say the same to a father who smokes, drives over the speed limit, is overweight…? 🙄

I hate all the sanctimonious bullshit on this thread.

[vulpesfoxtrot]

Sorry you've had a hard time on here op. I was very similar with drinking in my pregnancy and then when feeding them both, luckily my husband supported you.

Do not let this back of bullying twats on the internet shame you into thinking you will be a shitty mum. Sometimes humans are just nasty.

[MiddleParking]

@Kanitawa

I think Op is selfish and selfish women don't make good mothers
This. God help you when you discover that you have to give up drinking permanently because you have a child to look after so you can’t afford to get pissed. I haven’t had more than two drinks at a time since 2016, and even then I’ve had to leave my drink halfway through while I go upstairs to see to a crying child, and when I come back it’s warm and flat.

That’s not a universal experience. You’re not a better mother because your personal circumstances preclude you from enjoying an occasional drink.

[WettyHainthrop]

@Kanitawa

I think Op is selfish and selfish women don't make good mothers
This. God help you when you discover that you have to give up drinking permanently because you have a child to look after so you can’t afford to get pissed. I haven’t had more than two drinks at a time since 2016, and even then I’ve had to leave my drink halfway through while I go upstairs to see to a crying child, and when I come back it’s warm and flat.

There are no prizes for being a martyr. 😂

[Kanitawa]

There are no prizes for being a martyr
It’s not martyrdom. If I’m drunk or hung over there’s nobody to look after my child.

[CustardCreamm]

I definitely wouldn't drink any alcohol during pregnancy, it's such a short time to not drink alcohol for the sake of your baby's health. I don't get it, sorry OP 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Strokethefurrywall]

Meh. I’m a selfish woman and I’m a fucking great mother.
I love how the spectrum here is “martyr” or “selfish”. There can’t be any middle ground in which we all exist, no it has to be all or nothing. You’re either a martyr who wears sackcloths and ashes, in order to give your child everything, or you’re a selfish bitch who dares to do something for themselves or puts themselves first and you probably don’t deserve your kids if you can’t put them first.

I expect everyone would feel much better about their own parenting if they just got off Mumsnet… 🤣

[FlowerPower3110]

@WettyHainthrop

I think Op is selfish and selfish women don't make good mothers @ThymeCrisis its not about you and what you fancy. Its about being selfless and putting someone (your baby) before yourself. If you're struggling now then you are not responsible enough to bring up a baby. Jeez.

*@AGirlsGotToDo* Would you say the same to a father who smokes, drives over the speed limit, is overweight…? 🙄

I hate all the sanctimonious bullshit on this thread.

I can't speak for everyone, but yes I would most definitely say the same about a father who smokes in the same room as his baby or a father who drives waaaay too fast while his child is in the back seat.

There is nothing sanctimonious about simply stating that drinking alcohol during pregnancy is irresponsible. It's common sense.

[WettyHainthrop]

@Kanitawa

There are no prizes for being a martyr
It’s not martyrdom. If I’m drunk or hung over there’s nobody to look after my child.

Well some of us do. We’re not bad people because we don’t follow your lead and give up drinking permanently and instead hand the reins over to the other parent when we want to party.

[WettyHainthrop]

I can't speak for everyone, but yes I would most definitely say the same about a father who smokes in the same room as his baby or a father who drives waaaay too fast while his child is in the back seat.

Ah but here is the crux, I didn’t say would you say that about a father who did those things, I said would you say it to a father who did those things..?

[AGirlsGotToDo]

@WettyHainthrop yes, yes I would. It's irresponsible! Its not bull shit at all. The op is taking a risk with her unborn babies life. No one is guaranteed a baby in their arms until the baby is in their arms. It's sad but true. She'll be kicking herself if something happened or if it has has an affect on baby when they are born. Its better to be safe than sorry or regretful. It really isn't asking alot to give up alcohol for 9months. I'm a chocoholic and I had pregnancy diabetes, as soon as I found out, I gave up chocolate!

[unwuthering]

Well, it isn't just the NHS just being cautious - all over the world, the general consensus now is that there is no known safe limit when it comes to alcohol consumption during pregnancy. Previous guidelines said one or two units once or twice a week was probably okay - you might want to check when your favourite book on the subject was published.

[AGirlsGotToDo]

I agree with @FlowerPower3110

[Thevoiceofreason2021]

You are an adult and it’s your body, do what you like. But, he is your partner and you have completely dismissed his wishes. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? You are having a child together - you don’t get to call all the shots. You are going to have to consider each others opinion and give a little on both sides. This is not about booze whilst pregnant - it’s about teamwork and respect.

[Onairjunkie]

You are having a child together - you don’t get to call all the shots. You are going to have to consider each others opinion and give a little on both sides

I’d argue that during pregnancy she does get to call all the shots. All of them. It’s her body. Just as he couldn’t force her to end or continue a pregnancy that she didn’t want, he doesn’t get to enforce things on her now. And if he’s going to continue doing just as he pleases, it’s hardly a huge show of support from him, is it?

[MiddleParking]

@Kanitawa

There are no prizes for being a martyr
It’s not martyrdom. If I’m drunk or hung over there’s nobody to look after my child.

You know there are lots of mothers who don’t find themselves in that situation, don’t you? So no need for god to help OP when she discovers herself in it quite yet, as she might very well not.

[Nayday]

This thread is 30 pages of batshit craziness, from those declaring fetal alcohol syndrome is likely to suggesting OP has an alcohol problem - WTF is wrong with you?!.. YANBU OP, you've done your research and are happy with your approach. Many women have had more or less than you to drink over the years. The NHS are catering for the masses so will keep their advice simple, they do get it wrong though - which is why nuts are no longer advised to be avoided as they were in my pregnancy (which advice I ignored as it made no sense to me).
Hope you can work it out with your DH, you sound sensible and we'll informed.

[unwuthering]

YANBU OP, you've done your research and are happy with your approach.

The OP has read a book. The actual researchers have done their research and concluded otherwise.

[FlowerPower3110]

@WettyHainthrop

I can't speak for everyone, but yes I would most definitely say the same about a father who smokes in the same room as his baby or a father who drives waaaay too fast while his child is in the back seat.

Ah but here is the crux, I didn’t say would you say that about a father who did those things, I said would you say it to a father who did those things..?

Great remark @WettyHainthrop, but yes I would 100% say it to the father in question, IF he asked for my opinion.

OP asked for people's opinion, yet it seems like some people refuse to accept that different people have different opinions. There's no need for anyone to start a war over this, we all have different views and it's very unlikely we'll ever come to an agreement.

She wants to drink wine during her pregnancy?
Okay sure, that's her choice to make. But if she specifically asks for people's opinion on it then yes I will give her an honest answer and tell her I find it really irresponsible.

I don't understand why you would want to take an extra risk? Sure, there are many risks in life, especially if you're pregnant. Why would you want to take one that is so easily avoidable?

I would never ever call her (or any pregnant woman) out in public for drinking alcohol. It's their decision to make, and it simply doesn't matter whether I agree with it or not.

That said, I wish her all the best. I hope she and her DH can work it out, and that she gives birth to a healthy and happy baby.

[WettyHainthrop]

OP asked for people's opinion, yet it seems like some people refuse to accept that different people have different opinions. There's no need for anyone to start a war over this, we all have different views and it's very unlikely we'll ever come to an agreement.

You’re quite right @FlowerPower3110. People won’t ever agree. And yet people are calling the OP some unimaginably vile names and telling her she doesn’t deserve her baby.

I had the odd drink in pregnancy, the odd pint of Guinness, the odd glass of champagne or two. And all while under the care of a consultant obstetrician, who told me it was all perfectly ok, that next to none of it gets through. He said the medical profession has to err of the side of abstention as some people would take ‘one drink is safe’ to mean one bottle of vodka. So they say none to be safe for all. But one or two is safe in reality according to my obstetrician.

However, there’s never an excuse for hysterical vitriol that has spewed forth from some posters.

[Rubyrecka]

Doesn't sound like it's about you having a glass of Prosecco in your pregnancy it sounds like he's more concerned about others opinions rather than the affect of alcohol on your unborn child.

[RandomCatGenerator]

@Nayday

This thread is 30 pages of batshit craziness, from those declaring fetal alcohol syndrome is likely to suggesting OP has an alcohol problem - WTF is wrong with you?!.. YANBU OP, you've done your research and are happy with your approach. Many women have had more or less than you to drink over the years. The NHS are catering for the masses so will keep their advice simple, they do get it wrong though - which is why nuts are no longer advised to be avoided as they were in my pregnancy (which advice I ignored as it made no sense to me).
Hope you can work it out with your DH, you sound sensible and we'll informed.

Most sensible post in 30 pages.

[Talkwhilstyouwalk]

It is indeed, I asked OP's question to a consultant paediatrician who was offering an opinion on another bullshit mum shaming thread that had sparked ridiculous outrage because the OP had fed a couple of spoonfuls of ice cream to her 5 month old baby. Nothing like a middle class problem....

Anyway, I digress, here is their response:


Personally, think it would be a total non-issue! Professionally, would probably feel obliged to frown and mention that there’s no proven minimum amount of alcohol that can impair neurodevelopment, but it’s extremely unlikely such a tiny intake would lead to problems. (I looked after kids with fetal alcohol syndrome, yet still felt comfortable and guilt free having the occasional small amount of wine). Funny how seeing the extremes makes you realise how everything in moderation is a splendid motto!