My Pregnancy, My Wine and DH.

[ThymeCrisis]

I’ve namechanged for this but I’ve been around a long time.

Last night DH and I went out for dinner. I’m 6 months pregnant. It was a lovely local Italian place and he ordered a Peroni, I ordered a glass of Prosecco. It was fairly late because he’d watched the first half of the football in the pub after work first, and I’d joined him later, so he’d already had a fair few pints beforehand.

For context, I have been having the odd (125ml) glass of wine or champagne or Prosecco approx once a week (occasionally twice, but I wouldn’t have two drinks on the same night) since I was 16 weeks or so. I felt too ropey before that to contemplate it. Always have the drink with food, always sip very slowly. I was big into wine before I got pregnant and after doing a lot of research (I do have the Emily Oster book but I read lots more research and have come to the conclusion that it’s a negligible ‘risk’ on such a small scale and felt comfortable with my decision. We are talking 1.5 units here.

DH was a bit quiet after I ordered the Prosecco. We had a nice meal and walked home, he then made himself a gin and tonic, and I had a fake version with an M&S seedlip rip off. I asked him if he was ok and why he’d been a bit off. He then said he had ‘come to terms’ with me having the odd drink at home but he’d felt really uncomfortable with me ordering anything alcoholic out in public, because I was visibly pregnant, and he was really worried about what other people in the restaurant were thinking.

I didn’t notice any judgement, and never have, but frankly I wouldn’t care if there was. He also reminded me of the time we had some family round and I had a glass of champagne, and said he’d felt unhappy about it then too.

The reasons he is giving are that he knows of no one who drank in pregnancy (bar our own mothers who drank according to the guidelines in the mid 80’s at the time) and he thinks a big reason I do it is to ‘challenge’ the patriarchy and to go against the rules, not because I truly fancy a glass of wine. This is bullshit but I have ranted before about pregnant woman being infantilised and deemed not capable of critical thought. We don’t really actually know many other friends that have gone through pregnancy either, but he maintains they would have cut out all alcohol. Yes I know what the NHS guidelines say but I’m of the opinion that they say ‘none at all’ because it’s safer than ‘trusting’ women to not underestimate the units in a glass of wine etc or use it as an excuse to binge. Which I would absolutely never do. I know what a unit is.

For what it’s worth I’ve cut down, but not eliminated, caffeine, and I eat soft cheese and Parma ham too, and I have my steak rare or medium-rare.

He is now saying that the drinking is not something he’s comfortable with anymore and just because I have a book that says it’s fine I just have no way to know if we’ve put our unborn son at risk or not, and if he was pregnant he wouldn’t touch a drop. He can’t handle me ordering a drink in public anymore as it just makes him feel too uncomfortable- it didn’t so much when I didn’t have a bump but he hates the fact that ‘people are judging and looking at us’ now that I do.

I fully expect to get some replies about how he’s right and I am being reckless with my pregnancy, and that it’s only 9 months and why can’t I just cut it out all together, and the answer is, I had weighed up or thought I’d weighed up, whether I truly I had to, and considered myself to be in very safe limits. I like the taste of good wine and the foods it goes with. Yes I’ve tried alcohol free wine and it’s rank, I’d be more likely to cut everything out than drink pretend versions.

So I’ve just woke up this morning upset that he’s had all these thoughts about me causing harm to our baby (for what it’s worth I had a miscarriage before this pregnancy, and I know that was not down to alcohol as I hadn’t drunk at all as I lost it in the first trimester, so it didn’t affect my decision to have the odd drink in this pregnancy) and also that he’s inflicting other peoples judgments on me and just generally making me feel really bad. He’s said that if the child has behavioural difficulties down the line then he can’t rule out that it could be down to drinking.

So hit me with it- am I being unreasonable?

[NoSquirrels]

I don’t actually blame him for going by that advice as unless he’s read the research himself it makes sense he trusts the NHS over what you’re saying you read in a book he hasn’t read.

He’s got eyes, a brain and therefore the ability to read the same bloody book so they can discuss.

[romdowa]

I feel that it's your body and your choice. It's not like you are getting smashed out of your head every week. Pregnancy is hard enough and I know plenty women who had the odd glass of wine. I know plenty women who drink heavily while pregnant too. People are going to judge no matter what you do.

[CityCommuter]

@ThymeCrisis sorry but I agree with your DH. You sound quite begrudging of the fact that he's a man and can still drink alcohol because he obviously can't carry a baby! The baby is his as well as yours but he can't control what you put into your body so has no say on the matter despite what he wants. Just do the right thing for all your sakes, you've only got another 3 months to go ffs! No alcohol is advised during pregnancy and you know that! The fact is studies and research is constantly being carried out on this subject.

Is this how it's going to be going forward when you become parents, literally debating everything? Do you think you had a reliance / problem with alcohol before you became pregnant? A lot of people don't realise they have become dependent on it as a relaxant until it's taken away from them...

[Randomness12]

Sorry but I think YABU and actually that perhaps you have decided not to stop, because you can’t so have found the only evidence to support it. You aren’t drinking occasionally you are drinking at least once every week. Occasionally would be on holiday or for a birthday meal or similar.

Fetal alcohol syndrome is really serious and they don’t know enough about how much alcohol causes it which is why the guidelines are zero. They are of course guidelines and everyone should have the option to interpret them as they choose but your DH has said he doesn’t feel comfortable with the risk and it’s his child too.

I agree that women are infantilised during pregnancy and not trusted to make their own judgements, but I think you planned this pregnancy and you knew what that involved.

I don’t think like PP there is any need to force your DH not to drink if your aren’t, that seems OTT to me and unnecessary.

For what it’s worth I’m 17 weeks pregnant too and haven’t had a drink since I found out at 4 weeks. Do I fancy, or even crave one when I’m sat in a nice restaurant yes - but do I have one, no.

Plus your DH is right, I would 100% judge you - silently and without making a fuss, but I would.

[BrandNewHeretic]

@gobbynorthernbird

He's about to be a parent, he needs to get used to being judged.

I don't think you're being unreasonable in having the occasional glass of wine.

^ this

[Cazzamoomoo]

I had ONE glass of champagne while very pregnant with my eldest. It was at a friend's wedding and I had it simply to drink at the toast. I didn't touch a drop the rest of the day. Or pregnancy for that matter.

The looks, states and tuts I got from shit faced people was ridiculous.

[Whyhello]

I can see his point. I have had 5 DC and never touched a drop when pregnant or even when I breastfed. I don’t think it’s worth the risk, however negligible it may be. Surely you can survive 8 months without wine? If not, perhaps you have a problem?

I’m partial to a G&T but I’d be super embarrassed about ordering one whilst pregnant so I get your DH’s point.

[Whyhello]

Also wanted to add that there are plenty of decent alcohol free options. I used to love mocktails. There’s no excuse to drink imo.

[Bksjshsbbev2737]

I completely agree with you that women are infantilised about alcohol during pregnancy and it’s a sign of how our health is often treated. I would understand more if his issue had begun with him not feeling it’s safe but it seems like it’s more about judgement from others and you can’t live your life or crucially be a happy parent if you’re going to live by what others think.

[PixieDust28]

YABU.

I wouldn't take the risk and I'm sure my DP would be the same.

[InTheNightWeWillWish]

and if he was pregnant he wouldn’t touch a drop
This is a stupid statement to make until someone is actually pregnant, let alone a man who will never actually encounter this scenario. It’s easy to say, it’s a lot harder to do. He’s said this to you after several pints and a G&T. Before he starts blaming you for behavioural problems, may he should try giving up alcohol. My DH said he’d give up alcohol when I was pregnant and I said it wasn’t necessary but just to take into account how I was feeling and not drink my favourite bottle of wine if I’m craving wine. DH is asking if I mind if he has a beer and so far has been avoiding wine for me.

I wonder if he’d also take no painkillers, no medications, eat healthily for every meal even when he’s throwing up. Give up the steak, deli meats, seafood, cheeses, hot baths, saunas because there is a risk to baby. Maybe get one of those pregnancy weight bellies and shove it on him. Tell him to wear it for 24 hours including sleeping. He’s not to take any paracetamol (and definitely nothing stronger) if his back aches or his feet hurt. Tell him to limit his caffeine and make sure he eats a very pregnancy friendly diet. Of course, no drinking. Remind him that he doesn’t have cramps, round ligament pain, nausea, frequent peeing and all the other symptoms you’ve had. See how he feels after 24 hours of it and if he still wants to deny you something that is making you feel good because of what other people think.

[AnUnoriginalUsername]

I did cut out all those things you've said, because the small risk wasn't worth it to me. But even if I wanted them, I would have respected my DHs concerns and not had them. But we did have an agreement, started by me, that he got a say in my pregnancy, labour and birth if he was worried, because it may have been my body, but it was his baby, and neither of us would ever forgive me if one of those small risks I took with my body had affected our baby.
But then, DH also stopped drinking so he was sober if we ever needed to go to hospital.

I don't think he's expressed it well but I do think he has a right to say he's not comfortable with you drinking while carrying his child. Maybe agree that neither of you drink?

[TidyDancer]

I think your DH has expressed himself badly but I do agree with him. I like a glass or two but I stopped during pregnancy because it really wasn't worth the risk for me. I felt it was a relatively small thing to give up for a short amount of time.

[Strokethefurrywall]

I’m with you OP, and like you, I drank once a week through my 2nd pregnancy. Always with food and over the course of a couple hours.
My DH never said a word and I don’t think I noticed anyone judging me (not that I’d have given a shit if they did). I didn’t have either of my babies in the UK though.
His concern seems to be about what other people think, I can understand if he is concerned about the baby, but from a risk perspective, this is the part when you get him to read Oster’s book.

[ChangePart1]

@InTheNightWeWillWish

and if he was pregnant he wouldn’t touch a drop
This is a stupid statement to make until someone is actually pregnant, let alone a man who will never actually encounter this scenario. It’s easy to say, it’s a lot harder to do. He’s said this to you after several pints and a G&T. Before he starts blaming you for behavioural problems, may he should try giving up alcohol. My DH said he’d give up alcohol when I was pregnant and I said it wasn’t necessary but just to take into account how I was feeling and not drink my favourite bottle of wine if I’m craving wine. DH is asking if I mind if he has a beer and so far has been avoiding wine for me.

I wonder if he’d also take no painkillers, no medications, eat healthily for every meal even when he’s throwing up. Give up the steak, deli meats, seafood, cheeses, hot baths, saunas because there is a risk to baby. Maybe get one of those pregnancy weight bellies and shove it on him. Tell him to wear it for 24 hours including sleeping. He’s not to take any paracetamol (and definitely nothing stronger) if his back aches or his feet hurt. Tell him to limit his caffeine and make sure he eats a very pregnancy friendly diet. Of course, no drinking. Remind him that he doesn’t have cramps, round ligament pain, nausea, frequent peeing and all the other symptoms you’ve had. See how he feels after 24 hours of it and if he still wants to deny you something that is making you feel good because of what other people think.

Please don’t propagate the myth that pregnant women can’t have any painkillers whatsoever. The NHS is very clear that paracetamol is the first choice of painkiller if you’re pregnant. Many others are fine too. Taking paracetamol to deal with pain during pregnancy is so far apart from drinking alcohol for pleasure I can’t understand why you’d even bring this into it.

So many women are told by non-medics you ‘can’t touch any medication’ during pregnancy and suffer as a result. It’s unfortunate and should be challenged.

[MilduraS]

I was living in France for my pregnancy where they voluntarily told you the odd glass of alcohol is fine, you didn't have to ask. Some friends chose to go teetotal, some chose to have the odd glass but because it was openly discussed, I felt less judged. I also had the odd cigarette and nobody batted an eye. I live in England now and wouldn't think anything of a pregnant woman having a glass of Prosecco.

Would your DH actually give up alcohol for the rest of your pregnancy or is he just saying he would in the impossible situation that he were in your shoes? It's easy to say you would stop drinking altogether if you know it will never need to happen.

[Zari29]

So you are drinking every other week? Yes I agree with him. But off course justify yourself with what makes you feel better.

[ThymeCrisis]

I’ll add that neither of us gave up alcohol when TTC either, which I think is current advice. I did ask him if he’d like to take away my morning coffee too, and if I should have taken that paracetamol when I had a headache on Wednesday, or ordered the prawns because I fancied them, but that’s all fine apparently.

I HATE hate the insinuation that I might have harmed our child years down the line, if I thought that was in any way a possibility on the amounts I’d been drinking of course I wouldn’t do so.

No, of course it’s not just a glass of wine that is the only thing I look forward to after a long week. Of course I don’t have a problem pre-pregnancy- last time I checked I enjoying wine didn’t automatically equate to alcoholism. And yes it is difficult to take someone judging and preaching to you when they’re four or five pints in and have a gin and tonic in their hand because it’s a Friday.

[5475878237NC]

You aren’t drinking occasionally you are drinking at least once every week. Occasionally would be on holiday or for a birthday meal or similar.

I agree with this poster. Your DH didn't express himself well, but he is right to be worried about you drinking every week and putting yourself above your unborn baby when you could just go alcohol free and totally eliminate the risk.

[ChangePart1]

There does seem to be some minimising of the amount of alcohol you’re drinking though OP. A weekly/twice weekly drink isn’t ‘the odd drink’.

[Pancakeorcrepe]

I think you both need to agree on the risk, it can’t be a unilateral decision. You will be parenting together.
I too would feel strongly about this and I think you are underplaying your drinking a little bit. You are not drinking occasionally, you are drinking regularly. Occasionally would be for a special night out, a birthday or a celebration. You are drinking weekly. At least own it.

[Definitelyrandom]

It really is up to you. You've very sensibly made a carefully thought out risk assessment and taking that approach will stand you in good stead when your child is born and then is growing up. You'll have to be making lots of judgments about risk then (climbing trees, grubbing about in the dirt, putting plastic corners on tables and the like) and a "no risk, however small" attitude will paralyse you and your child.

And it does look like your DH was more influenced by what other people might think, which does make him a bit of a sheep, I'm afraid.

[RedDogsBeg]

and he thinks a big reason I do it is to ‘challenge’ the patriarchy and to go against the rules, not because I truly fancy a glass of wine. This is bullshit but I have ranted before about pregnant woman being infantilised and deemed not capable of critical thought.

That really pisses me off he's dismissing your intelligence, ability to think critically, research and come to an informed decision, infantilising you and treating you as little more than an incubator.

Women on the Continent regularly drink sensibly during pregnancy, there is not a mass of children on the Continent with behavioural difficulties due to what their mothers chose to eat or drink during pregnancy, how does he account for that?

You are right he is all What will the neighbours think?, who cares what they think it's none of their business and it is not their decision either.

[ProbablyProbing]

Plenty of women don't drink at all whilst pregnant - I didn't. I'm not saying you shouldn't but I don't think it's fair to pretend it's an absurd concept or that women who don't drink at all are ignorant, naive, blind little sheep who can't think for themselves. You complain about the patriarchy a lot for someone with such a low opinion of other women's capacity.
You've said you're offended that DH thinks you're drinking because you think the NHS guidelines are only there because of the "patriarchy" and yet you've gone on to say exactly the same thing. You're justifying your drinking with what is, essentially, a conspiracy theory. You should drink how you feel comfortable - your body, your choice. But acting like the NHS are lying to everyone and you're superior ability to understand science is weird and illogical.
I'm not sure what you want here to be honest (other than to be told that you're entirely correct and perfect and DH is a twat). Do you just want him not to have any opinion at all? You asked him what was bugging him - he told you, calmly and honestly. And now you're mad at him. So, did you want him to a) lie to you or b) not be allowed opinions? There's not really any other option.
If you have an issue with his drinking (and I can see why you might) then that's a separate issue - you're separate people. You're just as entitled to have a problem with his drinking as he is to have one with yours. As I've said, it's your body and your choice what you put into it. DH has no right to dictate what you put into your body but you, equally, have to right to dictate how he feels. It works both ways.

[RandomCatGenerator]

He’s said that if the child has behavioural difficulties down the line then he can’t rule out that it could be down to drinking.

What a dick. I thought he may have reasonable points until he decided to blame any problem for the next 18 years on you.