I am becoming unreasonably obsessed about this. Help *Content warning: discussing the impact of violent porn

[Surfisup]

I am constantly thinking about how violent porn is going to impact on my girls.
I think I am probably being over the top but I think about it al the time. How one day they'll see it and be horrified, how boys will watch it and think that's what sex is, how they're likely to have some really shitty experiences.

Can anyone make me feel a bit better about all this?
I have looked up what's on pornhub for reference, loads of anal sex (ouch) loads of incest. Strangling, spitting on genitals. I can't even type it all it makes me so sad for them. What happened to the joy of sex

• [Title edited by MNHQ to add a content warning]

How old are your girls now?

@Waspsarearseholes

'Reference'. Sure.

I don't find it erotic. It's horrible and haunts me quite honestly

They are 11 and 14

The best thing you can do is teach them a few shrivelling put-downs and the confidence to tell every cocksure little wanker to fuck off. It might be out there but they don't have to tolerate it.

YABU to assume that girls would be horrified but that boys would love it. I'm hoping you don't have any sons with that kind of sexist attitude? For the record, that is how sex is for a lot of people - a lot of people enjoy that form of sex. Lots of innocent little girls grow up into women who enjoy anal. Your daughters might be (gasp) gay, or asexual. You being scared that they might be horrified and scarred and damaged by porn showing things that happen all over the world every single day (combined with your sexist assumption that women can't like rough sex and that men do) is likely to do them more harm than the porn itself.

It worries me too. There was a thread on here recently by a woman in her 20s contemplating giving up on men because all her dates wanted to choke her during sex. So depressing.

Probably probing Well I often hope they will be gay. One of them is autistic and quite vulnerable so I worry about her. I'm not a prude, I love sex but find nothing exciting about degradation or violence I'm afraid. I just don't want them to think that's normal.

When speaking to your girls I hope you phrase it more along the lines of they shouldn’t be pressured into anything they don’t want to do, rather than labelling certain acts horrible and horrifying. Plenty of women enjoy anal and choking during sex, myself included.

I agree there are concerning trends in porn and that would worry me if I had children, but it sounds as though it's taking an unnecessarily large portion of your time worrying about it as though you've become fixated.

Is there anything else going on that's causing you to fixate on one specific danger? Are you an anxious or obsessive person by nature? I am, and I found myself very obsessed with global warming for a while - constantly thinking about how in 20 years vast bits of the world will be unliveable, reading lots about it. While it's a real threat, my fixation was a response to external pressures that manifested itself that way.

In terms of practical approaches though: all you can do is what my mum (thankfully) did with us - open, honest conversations about sex and sexuality as we got older, instilling your girls with good self confidence and the knowledge that you're always available to ask questions. There are good resources online for teens about sex and consent (I don't know specifics off the top of my head but I'm sure other posters will!) and when they're a older, stuff like OMGYES which is aimed at helping women and girls understand their own sexual pleasure.

I feel the same way OP. My girls are a bit younger than yours. Can you have a conversation with them about it? Don’t go into details but explain that they are either acting or coerced and that that isn’t what normal sex looks between people who love and respect each other. From the recent news report it seems that schools don’t tackle this at all.

There’s a lot of people who enjoy those though op and I don’t think you should necessarily scare them. Talk about pressure and being able to say no.

@Surfisup

Probably probing Well I often hope they will be gay. One of them is autistic and quite vulnerable so I worry about her. I'm not a prude, I love sex but find nothing exciting about degradation or violence I'm afraid. I just don't want them to think that's normal.

Your daughters will have different sexual preferences than you. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean that they won't. And, if they do, that's just as "normal" as your preferences. You won't get anywhere telling them that what they like sexually is wrong. Anal sex is normal for a lot of people. No one is forcing you to do it - it's really none of your business what other people do in their own relationships.

@ProbablyProbing there is a big difference between a minority of consenting adults choosing to enjoy choking and very rough sex with a willing partner, and teenagers normalising those things and thereafter having those expectations. I agree with @Surfisup that it is very depressing.

@Surfisup

Probably probing Well I often hope they will be gay. One of them is autistic and quite vulnerable so I worry about her. I'm not a prude, I love sex but find nothing exciting about degradation or violence I'm afraid. I just don't want them to think that's normal.

Also, "hoping" your child has a specific sexuality is odd at best. Let them be who they are - not who you want them to be. For the record, lesbians can have rough sex too - dildos, fisting, ball gags, hot wax, nipple clamps...

Therocinante thank you for this thoughtful response. I can get obsessive, I think about this way too much!
I was abused by a teenager when I was 9 and 10 and I think he'd read porn mags, they are nothing compared to what the boys see now! So I'm just thinking that perhaps that is something to do with why I'm so upset about this actually. (Sigh)

Yes I agree to those just talking about saying no if things don't feel comfortable for them. I have said a couple of things to them but I just don't think they'd cope with the fact that men rape women or do horrible things

[quote Solasum]**@ProbablyProbing* there is a big difference between a minority of consenting adults choosing to enjoy choking and very rough sex with a willing partner, and teenagers normalising those things and thereafter having those expectations. I agree with @Surfisup* that it is very depressing.[/quote]
That doesn't answer why OP has decided that teenage girls would be damaged by watching this porn but boys wouldn't. It doesn't explain why OP thinks boys would want to try rough sex based on watch porn but girls wouldn't. And, some studies have found that 40% of young people choke during sex (and that number is increasing) AND it's almost equal whether the person being choked is male or female. It's not the small number that people who are against it like to think.

Probablyprobing

I've probably slept with about 20 men and a couple of women. All twenty years ago. Not one man ever choked me or spat on me. The only reason I think it's erotic is because people have watched it on porn and learnt to be aroused by violence

Erotic to people who watch it I mean. It didn't used to be normal

I would guess that most people who now enjoy anal sex had vaginal sex first, with partners who had learned a bit about how real bodies actually fit together and got an idea of what would be enjoyable for both themselves and their partners. Going straight into anal sex in early sexual encounters thinking ‘that is what everyone does’ is probably not going to be very enjoyable

@katy1213

The best thing you can do is teach them a few shrivelling put-downs and the confidence to tell every cocksure little wanker to fuck off. It might be out there but they don't have to tolerate it.

Well said

@Surfisup

Therocinante thank you for this thoughtful response. I can get obsessive, I think about this way too much! I was abused by a teenager when I was 9 and 10 and I think he'd read porn mags, they are nothing compared to what the boys see now! So I'm just thinking that perhaps that is something to do with why I'm so upset about this actually. (Sigh)

Ah love I'm so sorry. That definitely sounds like the root cause - it must be difficult/triggering for you to see your girls getting older and being more aware of the potential dangers around for them, it's no wonder that's planted a seed of obsession in your head.

It's a pretty normal trauma response, actually - in a sea of potential red 'danger!' flags, your brain has selected the one you know best (or, worst) to make bigger and more dangerous than the rest. Have you had trauma counselling? It could definitely help you, and it would be a good place to explore how you feel now as a parent as well.

Obviously it's not that quick to just get trauma counselling on the NHS and not everyone can afford private, but I'd definitely speak to your doctor about it if you feel able.

If not, it might be good for you to look up some resources about speaking to your girls about sex and consent and make that a concrete, positive thing you can do - there's no harm in that and it takes the focus away from 'spiralling worry' and onto 'positive action' which will be a useful thing to mentally stop yourself with when you find yourself obsessing - "I am doing what I can to inform my daughters with the information they need, that is useful, worrying is not useful or productive" (easier said than done, I know! But with practice, it can help).

@Surfisup

Probablyprobing

I've probably slept with about 20 men and a couple of women. All twenty years ago. Not one man ever choked me or spat on me. The only reason I think it's erotic is because people have watched it on porn and learnt to be aroused by violence

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE IT. You're entitled to like whatever you like. You're not entitled to think everyone else's preferences are wrong, that men are inherent bad or that women are inherently victims. You have no idea why people are aroused by certain things and there's a lot of evidence to suggest that the adrenaline rush from being in pain or from fear intensifies orgasms. People who enjoy rough sex are not damaged or broken or wrong. Your attitude is far more damaging than porn - treating something that your daughter are pretty likely to try at least once (fully informed and consenting btw) as something that only broken, damaged people do is going to harm their self-esteem and their relationship with you. Focus on teaching them about consent, self-respect, mutual respect (might be tough given your disdain for men) and protection and let them do what they enjoy, not what YOU enjoy.

Jesus, the patriarchy apologists were out in minutes.

You're right to be worried with those attitudes about.