I am becoming unreasonably obsessed about this. Help *Content warning: discussing the impact of violent porn

[Surfisup]

I am constantly thinking about how violent porn is going to impact on my girls.
I think I am probably being over the top but I think about it al the time. How one day they'll see it and be horrified, how boys will watch it and think that's what sex is, how they're likely to have some really shitty experiences.

Can anyone make me feel a bit better about all this?
I have looked up what's on pornhub for reference, loads of anal sex (ouch) loads of incest. Strangling, spitting on genitals. I can't even type it all it makes me so sad for them. What happened to the joy of sex

• [Title edited by MNHQ to add a content warning]

I think all kids need some honest conversations from trusted adults about what is ok and not ok, and that porn is designed to breach boundaries, rather than being realistic. And that no and stop is always ok at any time. No one talked to my generation growing up, but we need to talk to all of our kids about peer pressure, unrealistic portrayals of sex and their rights. The best thing we can do is encourage our kids to feel ok about themselves because good self esteem is the best defence against doing things you dont really want to.

@ProbablyProbing

This thread is not about you. No-one cares what you probe up your arse. But OP’s concern is not even remotely comparable to the damage porn causes.

I think you have a slightly warped view of what men VS women want or like during sex, which is completely understandable given your history.

My experience of being a woman who enjoys some of the things you are horrified by, and my girlfriends (all in our twenties) is that women enjoy sex in as wide a variety of ways as men do.

Rather than looking at Pornhub for research, look at their statistics. Women are 100% more likely to search terms in the hardcore / rough sex category. Studies have shown 62% of women fantasies about forced sex / ravishment.

I have very honest discussions with my male friends and the vast majority agree there are FAR more women who want to be dominated in the bedroom than men who want to dominate them, and this has been my experience too. They're happy if they're getting a blowjob.

This 'trend' is exactly the same in written fiction, where there are massive amounts of spanking / violence / dominance in the female section and massive amounts of boobs / willing females in the male section.

Are there men who enjoy and want to engage in violent / rough sex? Absolutely. But I am 100% certain this existed long before pornography came along, and if you look at their search terms they want MILFs and anime cartoon characters.

The best thing you can do is be there for your girls, educate them about safety, and raise them with enough confidence to say no to anything they are uncomfortable with. And although I completely understand how your opinions of female desires and male desires might have been formed, they're unhelpful because they're just not realistic or true to life.

It’s shit OP. It is. I have 3 teens and it’s grim.

As is the the Ofsted report this week into sexual harassment at school and the pressure to send nudes so commonplace that no-one bothered to report it. I’m sure it’s related to the prevalence of porn, not just the abundance of devices.

You're not alone in being concerned OP. Today I heard about this organisation CEASE UK (Centre to End Sexual Expoitation) who are attempting to do something to protect children from porn. Their legal advocate posted a thread about them and their new campaign earlier today:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4267993-Protecting-kids-from-porn-new-legal-action

I have 3 DD's and feel the same, it doesn't consume me but I do worry about what boys are learning watching porn hub etc. I only hope that I can teach them all to be sensible and know when to say no to something they don't want to do.

@Summerhillsquare

Jesus, the patriarchy apologists were out in minutes.

You're right to be worried with those attitudes about.

It's not being a "patriarchy apologist" - it's being a "feminist". Telling women that what they like, what they enjoy and what they choose to do is dirty and wrong and broken and damaged is what the patriarchy was built on.

The best thing you can do is be there for your girls, educate them about safety, and raise them with enough confidence to say no to anything they are uncomfortable with.

So naive. If #everyoneisinvited.com teaches us one thing - it’s that girls are dealing with things that make them uncomfortable on a daily basis.

This forum is littered with the experiences of women who don’t have the confidence to say no even as adult. They feel pressured, they don’t like confrontation etc.

[quote TatianaBis]@ProbablyProbing

This thread is not about you. No-one cares what you probe up your arse. But OP’s concern is not even remotely comparable to the damage porn causes.[/quote]
I never said anything about my preferences at all And you're absolutely right, it's far less damaging that OP wants to dictate her children's sexualities than that they know that people have anal.

I feel the same op xx. My girls are 14 and 11. Thinking I need to have some very difficult conversations with them. They are at a girls school and haven’t had contact with boys yet. Breaks my heart that the effect this hideous industry will have on the boys they will go out with. I would ban it.

I agree, I can’t even believe all this violent, horrible stuff is allowed to be shown. I worry boys think this is normal and I worry for my girls future, even though it’s a very long way off

I agree OP.

I am 50 and slept with a lot of men back in the day. Anal, choking, fisting, spitting... it just wasn't the norm, it really wasn't.

It pains me to think young people are pressured into violent rather than loving sex because of peer pressure and the risk of being seen as vanilla which I have seen used as a sneering insult more than once on MN.

Time enough for young adults to develop and work on their sexual preferences as they grow older and gain sexual experience. I don't want my teenage daughter to be expected to have anal sex or be strangled at every casual encounter and new relationship because Joe Bloggs watches it on his phone and it's what everyone does.

FFS.

[quote Solasum]@ProbablyProbing there is a big difference between a minority of consenting adults choosing to enjoy choking and very rough sex with a willing partner, and teenagers normalising those things and thereafter having those expectations. I agree with @Surfisup that it is very depressing.[/quote]
Hear hear. I bet that @ProbablyProbing is a man.

There is some utterly grimy horrible shit out there, all I can say is that there are many mothers of boys/young men who really do care, and who will have conversations about this as they grow up.

Believe me, I would hate for my boys to miss out on the wonderful intimate and pleasurable fun of sex! I'd also prefer for them to understand that it should be reciprocal and enjoyable for both parties.

Ofsted sexual harassment report:

Ofsted’s inspectors visited 32 state and private schools and colleges and spoke to more than 900 children and young people about the prevalence of sexual harassment in their lives and the lives of their peers.

Around 9 in 10 of the girls we spoke to said that sexist name calling and being sent unwanted explicit pictures or videos happened ‘a lot’ or ‘sometimes. Inspectors were also told that boys talk about whose ‘nudes’ they have and share them among themselves like a ‘collection game’, typically on platforms like WhatsApp or Snapchat.

We found that children often don’t see the point of challenging or reporting this harmful behaviour because it’s seen as a normal experience. Pupils said adults often don’t realise the prevalence of sexual harassment that occurs both inside and outside school. They spoke of teachers not ‘knowing the reality’ of their lives.

We found that many teachers and leaders consistently underestimate the scale of these problems. They either didn’t identify sexual harassment and sexualised language as significant problems, they didn’t treat them seriously, or they were unaware they were happening. However, school leaders did note that easy access to pornography had set unhealthy expectations of sexual relationships and shaped perceptions of women and girls.

Children told inspectors that they didn’t always want to talk to adults about sexual harassment for a variety of reasons, including concerns about ‘reputational damage’ or being socially ostracised. They also worried about not knowing what would happen next once they reported an incident, and about potential police involvement.

www.gov.uk/government/news/ofsted-culture-change-needed-to-tackle-normalised-sexual-harassment-in-schools-and-colleges

It’s not teachers of course, parents have absolutely no idea.

I understand your concerns, for your own mental health you need to find ways to not let the fear get hold of you.

Are adults I don't think we should be encouraging anyone to do strangulation it is extremely dangerous, just the same as I wouldn't encourage people to take most recreational or hardcore drugs or swim in a quarry. It doesn't matter if it's fun the risk is to high.

Oh for an edit button * as an adult..

I agree OP I think it's extremely worrying. I think all we can do is try to make our DDs as confident and "un-people pleasing" as possible, and try to teach our DSs to be decent and respectful. But my God it's depressing.

OP, ignore the dicks who claim not to see the problem.

It's incredibly depressing. FWIW I have two sons as well as a daughter and I worry for them too. They are lovely, well behaved, considerate "normal" boys (one teen, one still at primary) but I am not naive, I look at the stats about the number of boys who are accessing porn and I know that the chances are they will be among them sooner or later. Obviously I hope and believe that they will be respectful in their future relationships, but I do worry and feel sad that their perspective on and enjoyment of normal sexual relationships is likely to be impacted to at least some degree.

I do talk to my eldest son quite openly about the problem of modern porn (to his horror) but what else can I do? Its all pretty grim.

Therocinante no I have never had counselling. I have thought about it a few times but never did.
I'm kind of glad that so many agree that it's worrying but I really want to stop thinking about it. The person who talked about more women liking that stuff than men, well that made me feel a bit better even if I find it a bit hard to believe. I mean surely a lot of boys won't want to do that stuff when I think about it rationally.

I wish it could be banned somehow. I really do. How can it be okay for them to watch that stuff all evening if they want to. It must be messing with their brains.

My girls are younger than yours but I'm already teaching them about consent in very loose forms, about not doing anything you don't want to and about being able to say no to anything they don't like or want to do. Obviously I'm not talking about sexual acts right now but just generally having to confidence to say no. I'm also teaching them that nothing is embarrassing, no question is stupid and that they can talk to me about anything.

It is pointless worrying about it, start practically teaching your girls about handling themselves now so they are confident to handle themselves in the future

Can I just say that some of us have young teenage sons and have the same worries? Please don't assume all boys and men like this stuff

Teach your girls about consent, peer pressure, drinks being spiked etc. You are very sexist. Some women like the stuff you’ve mentioned. Some men don’t. I hope your fear of sex won’t make your DDs fear it.

You hope your DDs are gay so they don’t have to “lie back and think of England”? You do realise that these kinks are exclusively for straight couples. You are so strange.

I hear you OP. I've got three boys, oldest is 14. It really worries me

*aren’t exclusively, not “are”