I am becoming unreasonably obsessed about this. Help *Content warning: discussing the impact of violent porn

[Surfisup]

I am constantly thinking about how violent porn is going to impact on my girls.
I think I am probably being over the top but I think about it al the time. How one day they'll see it and be horrified, how boys will watch it and think that's what sex is, how they're likely to have some really shitty experiences.

Can anyone make me feel a bit better about all this?
I have looked up what's on pornhub for reference, loads of anal sex (ouch) loads of incest. Strangling, spitting on genitals. I can't even type it all it makes me so sad for them. What happened to the joy of sex

• [Title edited by MNHQ to add a content warning]

Cutiebear I'm not sure calling me strange is very kind. Okay I get it, if women like it then that makes me feel a bit better to be honest. Perhaps I am strange but lots of other people say it's worrying for them too.

I am 50 and slept with a lot of men back in the day. Anal, choking, fisting, spitting... it just wasn't the norm, it really wasn't.

It's not the norm now. I'm early 30s and have never experienced any of the above, despite having had what could be termed an adventurous and 'non-vanilla' sex life, nor do I wish to.

I know MN likes to think it's the norm now and every single man under 35 is warped and psychotic in the bedroom, but it really is not.

OP, raise your daughters to have the strength to assert their boundaries and the confidence to ask for what they want and to demand partners who aren't selfish. They'll be fine.

This is the issue I suppose, when people with sons say they worry too it makes me feel a bit better. I do think perhaps my views are warped a bit.

Lockheart thanks, that is encouraging.

Yanbu OP. It terrifies the bejesus out of me too. I hope I can raise both my son & daughter to be a confident adults who never agree to anything they don't want to do, and never impose anything on a reluctant or uncertain partner.

There is definitely an issue here but this post brings out a lot of hysterics and totally outlandish views.

Firstly, I am so sorry for what you went through. That is horrendous and it is totally understandable to have a strong fear response. However you have to remember that what made this awful was not what was done to you but how—by which I mean the fact that this was non consensual and scary. Being raped even in the most bland and unextreme way is a horrendous and traumatising experience—because of the rape. While kinky stuff done by happy consenting people is not at all scary.

Kids absolutely do need to be taught that porn is not an accurate reflection of sex. In some ways though it’s got slightly better over time, in that bodies are now far more realistic than they were decades ago, hair now exists, real boobs, etc. Far from perfect, but to think we have moved into a faker world than decades back is not really true.

Precious posters are right that actually a lot of the time it is girls who are more interested in some of the more out there things than men. There will always be asshole men that want to take advantage of women—just as there always have been. Then there’s the group who are possible to influence, whose parents and peers need to push them towards understanding sex for what it is. This is where you come in, you can teach your daughters to only do what they are comfortable with and feel confident saying no. You should not teach them that this stuff is disgusting—chances are at least one of your daughters will end up enjoying something you consider vile—the important thing is that they understand sex is about mutual enjoyment.

Tbh I don’t think you need to think much about this, other than teaching your girls respect for those bodies, only doing what they actually want to do and possibly not having sex with a partner until they trust them and know them, all of which will help protect them. But thinking in terms of the actually type of sex that may or may not be relevant to them and thing of gem in the context of sexual acts which you find distasteful is obviously going to be horrifying and disturbing for many reasons! These sound like intrusive and unecessary thoughts

@ProbablyProbing

YABU to assume that girls would be horrified but that boys would love it. I'm hoping you don't have any sons with that kind of sexist attitude? For the record, that is how sex is for a lot of people - a lot of people enjoy that form of sex. Lots of innocent little girls grow up into women who enjoy anal. Your daughters might be (gasp) gay, or asexual. You being scared that they might be horrified and scarred and damaged by porn showing things that happen all over the world every single day (combined with your sexist assumption that women can't like rough sex and that men do) is likely to do them more harm than the porn itself.

Absolute load of shit.

@Lockheart

I am 50 and slept with a lot of men back in the day. Anal, choking, fisting, spitting... it just wasn't the norm, it really wasn't.

It's not the norm now. I'm early 30s and have never experienced any of the above, despite having had what could be termed an adventurous and 'non-vanilla' sex life, nor do I wish to.

I know MN likes to think it's the norm now and every single man under 35 is warped and psychotic in the bedroom, but it really is not.

OP, raise your daughters to have the strength to assert their boundaries and the confidence to ask for what they want and to demand partners who aren't selfish. They'll be fine.

…I am way younger than that and I literally do not know even a single person who has ever done costing, suggested it, talked about wanting to do it, etc. To think that every teenage boy is going to a school disco dreaming about fisting is just deluded. This stuff was around decades ago, it’s not like boys didn’t know about this stuff then

@CutieBear

Teach your girls about consent, peer pressure, drinks being spiked etc. You are very sexist. Some women like the stuff you’ve mentioned. Some men don’t. I hope your fear of sex won’t make your DDs fear it.

You hope your DDs are gay so they don’t have to “lie back and think of England”? You do realise that these kinks are exclusively for straight couples. You are so strange.

Oh do fuck off.

...school leaders did note that easy access to pornography had set unhealthy expectations of sexual relationships and shaped perceptions of women and girls.

From the government report published yesterday. This isn't pearl clutching about the idea of our daughters liking naughty sex. This is about a wide scale shift the attitudes of men and boys, driven by porn.

Ps OP I don't think its "the norm" either in most walks of life. I have been reassured that my 11 year old niece is as blissfully innocent as I was at that age, she knows the biological facts & about consent, but she & friends are not allowed on tiktok, their time online is heavily monitored and happily its probing that sensible parental controls can and does achieve a lot to keep them safe.

I don't know any women who are into anal, and my friends and I are pretty open about this stuff.

Women that get all judgemental about straight sex and insist all girls love anal are totally weird.

It’s not the norm now. I'm early 30s and have never experienced any of the above, despite having had what could be termed an adventurous and 'non-vanilla' sex life, nor do I wish to.

This in spades. I am mid twenties and have had my fair share of sexual partners. Particularly between the ages of 18-21. I actually do like and enjoy some of the stuff you mention OP. I like spitting and choking eg however I find that I usually am the one to instigate this and a lot of the men I have been with aren’t into it, which is fine.

Some mustered up a weak choke but that’s it. I’ve had multiple men try to ‘dirty talk’ with me and they usually say that they will do this type of stuff but when it gets down to doing the deed they don’t. So maybe you’re right in the fact that they feel like they should be doing that? But most actually don’t. I can count very few men I’ve been with who have initiated this type of sex with me and that was mostly because I told them I enjoyed it before hand. This is only my personal experience but I really haven’t found that every man wants to have porn type sex, I hope this helps.

Thank you, yes that is helpful.

Lots of reassuring posts, thank you.

@Surfisup you’ve mentioned that your thoughts are quite intense and difficult to move on from, that you haven’t had counselling for your own terrible experience and the fact that your daughters are around of a similar age to when you experienced abuse, I’d agree with a previous poster and suggest that perhaps you may benefit from some counselling / cbt to help you manage these thoughts. I’m not suggesting that it’s not normal to be concerned - I absolutely agree with you, but if it’s impacting your day day functioning then perhaps some support with this may be helpful for you.

I've had loads of partners over the years (not the last 15, with DP) and no-one ever spat, was aggressive, strangling , went in for anal; I find it odd that this is happening in early encounters -it's all fine - but for later when people know each other. It's obviously to do with porn, which i don't officially object to, but do see is problematic.

@Lockheart - doesn’t sound like you have teens. Have you been paying attention to the issue of sexual harassment in schools?

If you were actually aware of what is going on now, you’d realise how crashingly naive this comment of yours:

OP, raise your daughters to have the strength to assert their boundaries and the confidence to ask for what they want and to demand partners who aren't selfish. They'll be fine.

The young people who contacted everyonesinvited were not fine. Nor the ones who reported sexual harassment and worse at uni and got nowhere. Students at Warwick staged a sit in over sexual abuse and rape culture. It’s a problem.

[quote StorminaBcup]@Surfisup you’ve mentioned that your thoughts are quite intense and difficult to move on from, that you haven’t had counselling for your own terrible experience and the fact that your daughters are around of a similar age to when you experienced abuse, I’d agree with a previous poster and suggest that perhaps you may benefit from some counselling / cbt to help you manage these thoughts. I’m not suggesting that it’s not normal to be concerned - I absolutely agree with you, but if it’s impacting your day day functioning then perhaps some support with this may be helpful for you.[/quote]
Yes the problem is how much time I spend thinking about it. I will look into it but probably can't afford it tbh

I know it’s personal preference etc, but really don’t understand why someone would enjoy being choked, spitting or even anal. I feel like I must have lived a prudish life sexually 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Surfisup you would be able to access support through the NHS. Contact your GP for a referral, there may be a wait of a few weeks.

Hiya,I think education and feminist activism is the best approach. kristen bhodsen is a sex therapist, has an account on insta, empowering parents to have those difficult conversations with their kids around exactly what your talking about. Also women & girls network (look up the website) have a young women's team that offeres resources and all sorts of support advice. I think when anxiety hits, of which it is very reasonable to be concerned about porn and it's impact, then get proactive and clued up on what you can do. I've felt exactly the same as you. It's widely acknowledged alot of people involved in those videos on porn hub are coerced, exploited or trafficked.

[quote TatianaBis]@ProbablyProbing

This thread is not about you. No-one cares what you probe up your arse. But OP’s concern is not even remotely comparable to the damage porn causes.[/quote]
Well said TatianaBis.

PP sounds like a) a man b) a woman who has internalised the worst Male attitudes to women and sex in the pathetic hope that she gets to be considered one of the ‘cool girls’.

Prattling on about violence ( for that is what it is) “intensifies orgasms”, FFS.
As if that is all that matters in the world.

You sound like an apologist for the ‘sex games gone wrong’ defence when men murder women to ‘intensify’ their kicks.

OP, your concern is absolutely right and valid, and don’t let anyone tell you you’re wrong because you don’t want your daughters used and abused.

Thank God for sex lives that don’t require us to debase ourselves in service of the orgasm.

[quote TatianaBis]@Lockheart - doesn’t sound like you have teens. Have you been paying attention to the issue of sexual harassment in schools?

If you were actually aware of what is going on now, you’d realise how crashingly naive this comment of yours:

OP, raise your daughters to have the strength to assert their boundaries and the confidence to ask for what they want and to demand partners who aren't selfish. They'll be fine.

The young people who contacted everyonesinvited were not fine. Nor the ones who reported sexual harassment and worse at uni and got nowhere. Students at Warwick staged a sit in over sexual abuse and rape culture. It’s a problem.[/quote]
I have, and of course it is a problem.

I'm responding to OP's specific worry about her daughters experiencing violent sex, not commenting on harassment in schools.