I am becoming unreasonably obsessed about this. Help *Content warning: discussing the impact of violent porn

[Surfisup]

I am constantly thinking about how violent porn is going to impact on my girls.
I think I am probably being over the top but I think about it al the time. How one day they'll see it and be horrified, how boys will watch it and think that's what sex is, how they're likely to have some really shitty experiences.

Can anyone make me feel a bit better about all this?
I have looked up what's on pornhub for reference, loads of anal sex (ouch) loads of incest. Strangling, spitting on genitals. I can't even type it all it makes me so sad for them. What happened to the joy of sex

• [Title edited by MNHQ to add a content warning]

I feel the same op. I worry for my dd and my ds. It’s truly grim.

[quote StorminaBcup]@Surfisup you’ve mentioned that your thoughts are quite intense and difficult to move on from, that you haven’t had counselling for your own terrible experience and the fact that your daughters are around of a similar age to when you experienced abuse, I’d agree with a previous poster and suggest that perhaps you may benefit from some counselling / cbt to help you manage these thoughts. I’m not suggesting that it’s not normal to be concerned - I absolutely agree with you, but if it’s impacting your day day functioning then perhaps some support with this may be helpful for you.[/quote]
I agree.

OP highlights a problem within our culture.

However if she is obsessing and thinking about it all that time, that’s definitely a sign of needing support with past experiences.

@Youresogolden

I know it’s personal preference etc, but really don’t understand why someone would enjoy being choked, spitting or even anal. I feel like I must have lived a prudish life sexually 🤷🏻‍♀️

Absolutely not!

Don’t take on board that ‘prude’ label. No one said those sex acts are top of any sort of league table.
Calling people ‘vanilla’ is another attempt to make women feel bad about themselves. Why? So men can use their bodies as they would a sex doll, with no regard for you as a person or your pleasure.
Fuck that.

I would hate to be a teenage girl having to navigate such a hostile environment as they are learning about sex and what pleases them. It’s all about what the boy wants.

I think a lot of people on here would be amazed if they saw the real facts on this, I don’t think young men as a whole are anywhere near as into unusual things as they think they are. A lot of that Middle Aged BDSM-ish stuff is considered positively grannyish by a lot of young people who just want to have sex. Body positivity and consent have never been discussed so much by young people, ever. Nor female orgasm and mutual pleasure.

I don’t think young people are facing a significantly harder time around it, I think we are just finally talking about it. The kind of assaults and violence of the past are being called out and shamed by young people, in a way they didn’t do a decade ago.

There are genuine (fairly) new issues, particularly around nudes—however when I was young 10 or so years ago, we had that issue but with none of the awareness.

I worry about this too. 😞

For what it’s worth, I notice how quick the pro porn “it’s harmless real sex that people enjoy” contingent were to jump on this thread. As a bisexual/lesbian woman I can say that the vast majority of lesbian women are not having rough bdsm sex with nipple clamps and so on - this sounds more like a fantasy of some posters!

Current mainstream porn is, to be blunt, disgusting and degrading. It doesn’t look like ordinary enjoyable fun sex and by definition those people are performing for the camera. It’s full of things that were niche interests but are increasingly being normalised, and a lot of these are deliberately degrading and painful to women. Choking was a niche fetish ten years ago and now it’s mainstream, in nearly every video.

It’s a terrible blight on society and on the contemporary world. It normalises violence and degradation of women. It is entirely destructive of love and intimacy and normal relationships. If we don’t get a handle on it, it will destroy us, collectively.

Now all you porn-addled kink positive posters can pop back in to tell us how delightful it is and sexually liberating. Fire away!

I'm responding to OP's specific worry about her daughters experiencing violent sex, not commenting on harassment in schools.

Harassment in schools doesn’t exist in some kind of vacuum. This is not just about words it’s not just about school. It’s about a culture in which comments, pictures, sexual abuse is normalised. Many young people (male and female) have spoken out about nonconsensual sex.

I don’t want to worry the OP who obviously has her own issues to deal with. But I can’t say that she’s wrong to be concerned.

in nearly every video

Blimey you must have spent years doing nothing but watching porn in order to be able to draw that conclusion.

Op 100% agree with you. It's grim and depressing frankly.

Yes, yes in consenting adult relationships, fine do what you want. But we are talking about teenage boys thinking it's perfectly normal to do hard core sex with other young teenage girls. It's not.

Beyond grim actually. Makes me very very worried too for both my children - incidentally one boy one girl.

[quote TatianaBis]@ProbablyProbing

This thread is not about you. No-one cares what you probe up your arse. But OP’s concern is not even remotely comparable to the damage porn causes.[/quote]
glad im not the only one finding her replies far too much , jesus christ i thought i wasnt a prude , but here i am reading about nipple clamps , being choked and spat on , i mean wtf . and here is our poor troubled op looking for reassurance getting told she will make her kids feel odd to think that stuff might not be normal !! now im as troubled as the op is dearie me sighs

@Youresogolden

I know it’s personal preference etc, but really don’t understand why someone would enjoy being choked, spitting or even anal. I feel like I must have lived a prudish life sexually 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m an early 20s woman who enjoys 2 of the things from this list, occasionally in moderation, with consent and done respectfully. Women are actually statistically more likely to be watching porn of this than men are. If you believed the hysteria on here, most men are into being dominant. Statistically it actually goes the opposite way, with women being more into this than men—rape fantasy films, etc are mainly for female audiences. 365 DNI—a female sex book and film.

I worry greatly about this too and I have often thought that I’d be quite happy if my daughter said that she was gay. Even beyond sex, with all the domestic abuse stories and my own history, I’ll be very nervous when she enters a relationship with a man.
I’m also very conscious of wanting my boys to be a feminist in their beliefs and advocate for equal rights for women. This isn’t an inevitable path for them, we can give our children the tools that they will need (I hope).

I just wanted to add that although I have said I enjoy that kind of sex it doesn’t mean I disagree about porn, I just wanted to try and calm OPs nerves that that’s the type of sex every man wants.

I think the dangers of porn run so much deeper than introducing us to that kind of sex and I almost wish it wasn’t so readily available. I used to be one of those girls who would say ‘I don’t mind my partner watching porn’ and then I dated a man with a serious porn habit. Two in fact.

I’ve had 3 serious relationships and two of them had heavy porn habits and it makes me so sad to even think about. Neither were even watching the type of porn OP refers to, just your ‘standard’ stuff but often they were watching it whilst ‘showering’ and lying about it. It even gave one ED at one point because he was lying about watching it and just over exposing himself to sex. My self esteem fell through the floor. Because ‘most men watch it’ men don’t seem to see the issue.

@TatianaBis

I'm responding to OP's specific worry about her daughters experiencing violent sex, not commenting on harassment in schools.

Harassment in schools doesn’t exist in some kind of vacuum. This is not just about words it’s not just about school. It’s about a culture in which comments, pictures, sexual abuse is normalised. Many young people (male and female) have spoken out about nonconsensual sex.

I don’t want to worry the OP who obviously has her own issues to deal with. But I can’t say that she’s wrong to be concerned.

I know it doesn't exist in a vacuum, but OP has come here with specific worries about her daughters, not to have a discussion about wider societal issues.

I agree, there are some men who have unrealistic expectations and have a view of what sex is which is heavily influenced by porn. I refute that it is the majority of men.

I agree, the ease of access to porn and the expansion of previously niche practices into mainstream porn is problematic. I refute that it means every man will now want to partake in said practices and that OPs daughters will be unable to escape it.

Which is why I come back to making sure you raise strong women who know their worth and have the confidence to kick someone out of bed or tell them to fuck off IF they ever find themselves in such a situation, which is far from an inevitability.

So make sure you talk to them about sex first to provide context about sex as part of a loving relationship , not mindless objectifying of women. My neighbours 15 year old was shown Pornhub by her boyfriend. We then had a calm chat about loving sex & porn sex as I knew hell would freeze over before she'd talk to her Mum about it.

It’s a huge worry for me too. My 13 year old dd was asking me only yesterday what PornHub was, she said lots of boys and girls in her year knew and she didn’t. She said many of the boys watch it in their phones. I explained to her that porn wasn’t real sex and violence/violent sex isn’t normal and if she ever experiences anything like she must understand it is not something she should have to tolerate no matter what a boy says to her.
Really didn’t want to have that conversation with my 13 year old but if I don’t then she will grow up thinking it is the norm because so many girls do these days. My friends older daughters have had many nasty experiences.

Not sure what to advise

@Lockheart

in nearly every video

Blimey you must have spent years doing nothing but watching porn in order to be able to draw that conclusion.

It’s not like I haven’t looked 😂

Why don’t you pop over to the front page of Pornhub and watch a few videos and see? While you’re at it, tell me how many of those videos look like any sex you’ve ever actually had and enjoyed. In nearly every one it’s clearly evident that none of the participants are actually much enjoying the experience, even the men tbh.

@CornforthWhiteH

Op 100% agree with you. It's grim and depressing frankly.

Yes, yes in consenting adult relationships, fine do what you want. But we are talking about teenage boys thinking it's perfectly normal to do hard core sex with other young teenage girls. It's not.

Beyond grim actually. Makes me very very worried too for both my children - incidentally one boy one girl.

Yep. Teenage boys are persuaded by the culture around them to think hardcore sex is normal and expected. I think it’s as damaging boys as much as to girls. And I think they can be as horrified as girls. I have sons as well as daughters and it’s hard to deal with their heads being filled with really unpleasant stuff.

I also find it grim. I also worry it’s normalised. I don’t think enjoying choking during sex is particularly mainstream or - dare I say it - healthy. And I think young kids watching this is horrific TBH and fucking their brains at an early age

I’m not sure OP how I plan to do deal with it all with my kids other than the hope the nicer boys don’t partake as much in it all.

I desperately hope mine are gay so they can avoid the whole shit show

Not all men/boys will watch and be influenced by porn, but many will. It's completely reasonable for a mum of girls to be worried about how this will impact on her daughters - it's something I worry about. Boys are harmed by watching porn too, but in a different way. Watching porn, particularly at a young (teenage or tween) age, can have a huge effect on boys' developing sexuality - they start to watch more and more extreme sex and want to act this out on the girls that they date.
It's not just about whether they are 'nice boys' or not; porn damages them, and parents need to be aware of this so they can talk to their sons about it. Of course this won't be the case for every boy but it's ridiculous to think that it's such a small problem we don't need to worry about it. It's a huge and growing problem. Having said that, OP, for your own mental health it would be good to get some support (which I know might not be easy to come by) to help you manage your fears about it so that it doesn't impact on your day to day life.

[quote TatianaBis]@ProbablyProbing

This thread is not about you. No-one cares what you probe up your arse. But OP’s concern is not even remotely comparable to the damage porn causes.[/quote]
Jesus well said.

OP I have concerns too.
The boy who sexually assaulted me in school over 20 years ago was the kid who encouraged everyone to look at porn in IT lessons. Knowing that teenagers have access to this at anytime concerns me.
Some kids can watch and walk away from it, but some kids can get fucked up by it.

Consenting adults can do what they like, but by minimising this issue they clearly do not care about the lives of others or the harm to the minds of developing children. How many women have died at the hands of their sexual partners? More than they would like to admit.

It’s also not just porn sites. If you’re on any youth social media like tumblr porn bots will add/follow you, and when you look at who’s followed you they’re hardcore porn clips and animated computer porn and whatnot.

I mean, I’m in my mid-40s so when I opened tumblr this morning and looked at and deleted the second porn bot to follow me in 24 hours, it’s not like I was particularly shockable - but the hardcore close-up video clip of two naked old people going at anal in rubber fetish gear did give me pause rather.

I’m not sure what I would have thought of it at 14, but I can’t imagine it would have made me enthusiastic about the beauty and goodness of the world.