I am becoming unreasonably obsessed about this. Help *Content warning: discussing the impact of violent porn

[Surfisup]

I am constantly thinking about how violent porn is going to impact on my girls.
I think I am probably being over the top but I think about it al the time. How one day they'll see it and be horrified, how boys will watch it and think that's what sex is, how they're likely to have some really shitty experiences.

Can anyone make me feel a bit better about all this?
I have looked up what's on pornhub for reference, loads of anal sex (ouch) loads of incest. Strangling, spitting on genitals. I can't even type it all it makes me so sad for them. What happened to the joy of sex

• [Title edited by MNHQ to add a content warning]

And I don’t think this thread is hysterical.

If you haven’t already read this article, please do:
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-9669443/Heartbreaking-reality-teenage-girls-sex-life.html

Why would anyone want their teenage children to experience this?

OP, yes it is shit but women can come across this at any age. It’s not just young people. I was with my exH for 12 years and it wasn’t until he was early-mid 30s that he started getting into darker stuff. I was early 30s, my 3rd serious relationship (not including many other shorter flings etc).

If anything, younger men may perhaps be more aware of not being drawn into these things than older men who had no education and awareness about porn on the internet.

I’m really sorry about what happened to you, that’s awful and I can totally understand where your fears are coming from.

My dds are a bit older than yours and so far so good. I think it very much depends on they type of boys your kids are mixing with and how they’ve been brought up.

Did anyone else read Forever by Judy Blume as a young teen? I must have been around 13 when I first read it an I honestly think it had a massive impact (in a positive way) on my developing sexuality as a girl. It presented sex as something to be explored and enjoyed for young women and young men in equal measure, in a consensual and intimate way. I had my first sexual relationship at 15 and it was brilliant and something I look back on fondly.

Looking at Amazon reviews there are lots of people saying it is as relevant today as it was then. Perhaps something for your older daughter to read to give her some insight into what good sex looks like from a woman's perspective.

You're no feminist

@THisbackwithavengeance

I agree OP.

I am 50 and slept with a lot of men back in the day. Anal, choking, fisting, spitting... it just wasn't the norm, it really wasn't.

It pains me to think young people are pressured into violent rather than loving sex because of peer pressure and the risk of being seen as vanilla which I have seen used as a sneering insult more than once on MN.

Time enough for young adults to develop and work on their sexual preferences as they grow older and gain sexual experience. I don't want my teenage daughter to be expected to have anal sex or be strangled at every casual encounter and new relationship because Joe Bloggs watches it on his phone and it's what everyone does.

FFS.

Well said. Such things weren't common before the 2000s, when free online porn became available. By 2003-2004, free online porn began to educate young people about sex. Not to mention that even porn performers and consumers recognise now a gradual trend towards more violence, more cruelty, more ”transgression” (fictions about incest, abuse, rape) compared to those first years. Girls and women search for such content on porn sites because they seek to know how men think, what they want, how to please them. Girls and women naively imagine that real, passionate sex means choking, anal, spitting, swallowing and so on. And then porn producers say: see, there are more women than men who prefer this content, so shut up you prudes!

Researchers at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine interviewed 130 teenagers aged 16-18 in three sites across the country to “explore expectations, experiences and circumstances of anal sex among young people”. They found that anal sex among heterosexual couples was “painful, risky and coercive, particularly for women” and that males expected to persuade or coerce reluctant partners. And this was in 2014!

www.feministcurrent.com/2014/08/19/surprise-teen-girls-are-having-anal-sex-because-theyre-being-pressured-into-it/

Great advice from someone who doesn’t apparently have kids. Come back when you’ve popped out a few.

I think I'll stay right where I am and carry on giving advice I think is helpful, thanks all the same.

@Lockheart I can’t actually believe someone would say that to you

Porn now a days has got worse and men and women are effected by it. People like what they like. They aren't brainwashed into liking anal or rough play etc by seeing it on a video clip . They try it and if it’s something they enjoy and like then they do it again. Teach your kids to be able to say no and to not do anything they don’t want too or feel comfortable with. The whole vanilla term annoys me but I get that it’s just commonly known as missionary sex or boring sex. If people like that then fair enough. I’m in my early 30s and sex has definitely involved. We want to try new fun things not stick to boring.

Defo, get more books/literature that emphasises the beauty, curiosity and connection of sex like the poster who referred to Forever by Judy Blume, I read this often growing up and it was so positive to read xx

Jackson Katz is also an educator of young men that addresses the other side of the spectrum, he wrote the macho paradox. I hope you slept better last night OP

Like you OP I worry about this. 2 DDs aged 12 and 14.

The advent of smart phones in the last 10 years has really changed the playing field. I went to a lecture the other day- the biggest consumers of online porn are boys aged 14 to 16.
The presenter said that this porn is teaching boys that violence is 'normal' within sex. He also said most porn actresses are taking a plethora of pain medication to manage the brutality.

Although not a pleasant discussion I often talk to DD14 about porn an how unrealistic it is. Relationships should be about being kind and loving- not as a vehicle for boys to have the kind of sex they want- it is a thing for both parties to enjoy.

(and I have said I think it would be easier if she was a lesbian- the ones I know are lovely kind people- and she agrees but prefers boys)

@twilightermummy

I worry greatly about this too and I have often thought that I’d be quite happy if my daughter said that she was gay. Even beyond sex, with all the domestic abuse stories and my own history, I’ll be very nervous when she enters a relationship with a man. I’m also very conscious of wanting my boys to be a feminist in their beliefs and advocate for equal rights for women. This isn’t an inevitable path for them, we can give our children the tools that they will need (I hope).

My brother was in an abusive relationship with a woman. It was so bad he contemplated suicide. It’s not just men who physically and emotionally abusive their partners.

@Surfisup

Probably probing Well I often hope they will be gay. One of them is autistic and quite vulnerable so I worry about her. I'm not a prude, I love sex but find nothing exciting about degradation or violence I'm afraid. I just don't want them to think that's normal.

Maybe find a way to introduce them to/develop their understanding of healthy relationships and consent etc. Talk to them about the fact that it is a good idea and fine to talk to a potential sexual partner about expectations and the fact that they can say no at any time. Teach them that the boy/man to have sex with is the one who will engage in this conversation. It’s also worth pointing out that a good boy/man will actually appreciate this conversation as much as the girl because it means he won’t do something that later gets him into trouble. Also the male partner may also have things he is not comfortable with. Anyone (male or female) who won’t have this conversation prior to a sexual relationship is a red flag.

Please remember boys can be as vulnerable as girls and that they both have a responsibility to each other to make sex safe and enjoyable.

Your girls are lucky you care so much. Talk to them

I see cease has already been mentioned but here's a link for anyone who wants more information or to get involved.

cease.org.uk/

@katy1213

The best thing you can do is teach them a few shrivelling put-downs and the confidence to tell every cocksure little wanker to fuck off. It might be out there but they don't have to tolerate it.

All of this! *applause