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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is stingy

304 replies

whattheefffff · 11/06/2021 16:02

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

Been with DP for around 18 months. We discussed him moving in as we live spending time together and miss each other when apart but after some thought he decided not to as financially it wouldn’t make sense for him. He lives with his parents currently and doesn’t have many outgoings. He currently buying a buy-to-let property and plans to continue staying at his parents rent-free. They don’t mind this and are moving abroad soon for 6 months so he will have the house to himself.

My thing is, he has practically moved in with me. He’s here every day other than the weekends he has his kids over and half of the school holidays half terms - his parents house is bigger and they like to see the kids. He doesn’t contribute towards any of my rent, bills or food shopping - although he does buy most of our takeaways (one dinner a week and lunch once or twice a week), and will get us drinks and snacks from the shop sometimes - we tend to take it on turns.

I feel a bit resentful that he is happy for me to pay for all the food shop as well as everything else and not feel like he should contribute. His side so that he could be at his parents not having to pay any rent or bills and he pays for most of the takeaways.

He is also insured to my car and he pays the extra bit to ensure he is covered. I just did the new policy and it’s the same amount with him or without. He doesn’t have to pay anything but I said he should at least contribute towards it so he said he will pay £10 a month towards it - I pay remaining £60. I think that’s stingy! And he could at least pay £20 considering it’s saving him money he would have spent on Uber.

I’ve genuinely found him quite stingy but don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations of a man. I don’t expect to have everything paid for but I do expect a man who is in a position to help to just be a bit more generous. He has the money and has an expensive hobby which costs around £500 a month and I think seeing how easily he can blow cash on this but not contribute towards shopping, bills, car insurance, is making me resentful. I feel like I’d rather he just stays at his parents house and then I won’t have any expectations of him.

Other than the finance stuff he is lovely but this issue around money seems to pop up again and again.

So, what do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 11/06/2021 20:27

He doesn't drive the car that often, a couple of times a week.

How does he pay you for the fuel he has used?

I'm afraid, that having to mention it more than once would give me the ick. Fair enough if he just hasn't thought but arguing that one takeaway a week (which he hasn't even been buying) justifies his not paying for anything else.

Not for me.

He is costing you money, actual cash to stay with you. Not just wear and tear but actual cash. You have driven him around for eighteen months and the second time he had to fill up the carbon a row he mentions it ?

It's a no from me.

If people are mean with money, they will turn out to be mean with everything else too.

Sorry.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 11/06/2021 20:29

He said with his ex he used to pay for everything, the rent, childcare costs, he paid for her car deposit - he came out of the relationship worse off

Bollocks did he.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/06/2021 20:32

[quote whattheefffff]@redtartanshoes my friends do really like him - but don't like his stinginess at all. They have advised to talk through with him and make my expectations clear - which I have attempted to do a few times. This is so hard because we get on so well, he is loving in every way such as compliments, foot rubs, oral voluntarily.....but the finance situation/his stinginess outweighs it all! [/quote]
He will not change. And honestly, any good boyfriend/relationship should be like this and without the stinginess, too. You've extended him numerous chances. He keeps you sweet for a reason. To take money from you. Because that is what he's doing.

'I've given this a lot of thought and it's time to call time on this relationship. It's run its course and we both need to move on. We're not compatible. I loved what we had, but as time goes on, I'm seeing a lot that's not very equal or fair to me and DS and the balance is such that this needs to end.'

Do not give him a chance to weasel back in because you've given him plenty.

He's happy to take money off a single mum with a kid rather than pay his fair share.

Ellie56 · 11/06/2021 20:33

He is not lovely. He is a tight arsed git who is freeloading off you and his parents. How unattractive. Angry

Original poster
whattheefffff · 11/06/2021 20:34

@craftyyankee I love that. It does sum it up well. He just called but I'm not ready to speak about it yet with him. I'll call him later tonight when DS is sleeping.

OP posts:
Cockenspiel · 11/06/2021 20:34

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

He said with his ex he used to pay for everything, the rent, childcare costs, he paid for her car deposit - he came out of the relationship worse off

Bollocks did he.

This!

Funny how this is totally unverifiable and works perfectly to stop you from asking him or expecting to cough up!

SappysCurry · 11/06/2021 20:34

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

He said with his ex he used to pay for everything, the rent, childcare costs, he paid for her car deposit - he came out of the relationship worse off

Bollocks did he.

And what sort of man resents paying costs for their own children ?
MadMadMadamMim · 11/06/2021 20:35

I find nothing less sexually arousing than a man who is tight with his money, personally.

If he wants to be on your car insurance he should pay 50% for a start. Both of you insured? Split the bill. If he doesn't like that then don't put him on the insurance. What, exactly, are you gaining from this arrangement? Apart from allowing someone else to drive your car.

I just couldn't be bothered with all this, to be honest.

I'd just bin him and find someone else.

Tiredmumma2two · 11/06/2021 20:35

Get rid.
He is using you. My partner was full of excuses about how he came off worst when he divorced and then met me. He was saving for a house. So I used to spend money on him and his DD. Move on 2 years and we decide to have a child. I thought seeing as I’d helped him post divorce, I’d get help with my mat leave. But I got bugger all. He got richer and I got poorer. If you have suspicious now, run. It won’t get better.

HotChocolateLover · 11/06/2021 20:36

Don’t get with a skinflint. This will be your life forever and the resentment will only grow. I went out with a skinflint once and it was miserable 😩

billy1966 · 11/06/2021 20:38

[quote whattheefffff]@redtartanshoes my friends do really like him - but don't like his stinginess at all. They have advised to talk through with him and make my expectations clear - which I have attempted to do a few times. This is so hard because we get on so well, he is loving in every way such as compliments, foot rubs, oral voluntarily.....but the finance situation/his stinginess outweighs it all! [/quote]
Of course he is rubbing your feet, you are paying handsomely for his services.

Wake up OP.

He is using you.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/06/2021 20:39

[quote whattheefffff]@craftyyankee I love that. It does sum it up well. He just called but I'm not ready to speak about it yet with him. I'll call him later tonight when DS is sleeping. [/quote]
What's there to speak about with him? He will never change. Unbelievable that he has no qualms about eating for free at yours most meals. And the car thing!

TeapotCollection · 11/06/2021 20:39

Completely missing the point of the thread here but what hobby costs £500 a month 😮

billy1966 · 11/06/2021 20:40

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

He said with his ex he used to pay for everything, the rent, childcare costs, he paid for her car deposit - he came out of the relationship worse off

Bollocks did he.

Absolutely.

There is alwsys an ex that is the reason they are mean.

Yea right.

SappysCurry · 11/06/2021 20:40

@HotChocolateLover

Don’t get with a skinflint. This will be your life forever and the resentment will only grow. I went out with a skinflint once and it was miserable 😩
Absolutely Their stinginess is as ingrained as the colour of their eyes
Original poster
whattheefffff · 11/06/2021 20:42

@madmadmadammim it is a put off sexually. I didn't gain anything from letting him drive my car, I was happy for him to save money on ubers and it also meant he could drive to the shops if we needed anything as it used to be me or him walking on the odd occasion.

OP posts:
Inthemuckheap · 11/06/2021 20:48

@TeapotCollection

Completely missing the point of the thread here but what hobby costs £500 a month 😮
That's cheap for a horse Wink
Original poster
whattheefffff · 11/06/2021 20:49

@Billy1966 when you put it like that! 😄 He is like a kept man. Pretty much every day it's me cooking, plus I'm buying the food...this is sounding worse and worse. The irony is, I wanted a man who was ambitious and good with money - just not at my expense!

OP posts:
CallMeCleo · 11/06/2021 20:50

@trevthecat

I would lay it out to him. You need to contribute x amount a week/month. This is why bla bla bla and see how he takes it. If he is fine, then great, if he kicks off, moans etc you know what you need to do!
This.

Sit down without him and work out what it's costing you to have him there 5 days/nights a week. Then tell him he needs to pay you that amount.

Simple.

KarmaStar · 11/06/2021 20:52

Cocklodger.he's building up his empire off of your back.

Maddison12 · 11/06/2021 20:52

There's not much to talk about really, he's shown you who he is, believe him. A man who loves will say along the lines of "I'm going to set up a standing order for shopping as I've been eating here a lot lately" WITHOUT being asked.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/06/2021 20:54

[quote whattheefffff]@Billy1966 when you put it like that! 😄 He is like a kept man. Pretty much every day it's me cooking, plus I'm buying the food...this is sounding worse and worse. The irony is, I wanted a man who was ambitious and good with money - just not at my expense! [/quote]
FFS. Bet you don't even go out anymore, it's one of those where he comes over, gets a meal cooked and sex, free showers/phone charged/heating, etc.

No need for fucking sit downs and chats with him, you have already tried this.

He has an excuse for why he's exempt from paying his way in life.

And, after I wrote that post where they all have an ex who rinsed them (well known bollocks), sure enough, plenty of posters came out with having been fed the same schlock.

pictureframenotperfect · 11/06/2021 20:57

Place marking! Looking forward to reading an update. What a massive off put though...

Dreamingofbeergardens · 11/06/2021 20:58

The slowing him down comment really annoyed me when I read it! That would put me off.
Do you live in an expensive area? I can understand when you are in your early 20s living at home to save for a deposit. 31 is beyond pushing it!

SappysCurry · 11/06/2021 21:03

He thinks his oral skills are priceless 🤢🤢🤢
Probably gets more out if that than OP does

Win win -for him
Just eeeeewww