To wonder how many divorces cycling is a factor in?

[Sugarcoatedalmond]

I cycle myself, as does DP. We both do other sports / clubs too & each have approximately one evening per week plus a few hours at a weekend to ourselves. We’ve both cut back on our “hobby” time since having kids though. So just to be clear I have nothing whatsoever against cyclists.

However, so many of the cycling blokes we know are regularly doing all day rides (think 100 miles plus, plus coffee/lunch breaks). They do this most weekends, plus weekday rides sometimes too.

DP asked how the ones with young kids get away with it.

I responded that I bet there’s some pretty unhappy wives/partners behind the scenes and the blokes shouldn’t be too cocksure of themselves as there’s regularly women posting on here about obsessive cycling partners & being told to LTB.

With cycling having a massive spike in popularity at the moment, AIBU to wonder how many break ups it contributes to?

@MaMelon

Actually I do think its the wife's duty to join her husbands hobby if it means their marriage does not break. And I think its his duty to join in with hers.

Marriage isn’t about duty - it’s about compromise and mutual respect. Why on Earth should one party feel obligated to join in with something they detest out of duty? What an odd approach to take.

Actually I do think its the wife's duty to join her husbands hobby if it means their marriage does not break. And I think its his duty to join in with hers.

Well, goodness me. Why did I not think of that when my husband was playing golf three times a week, squash three times a week and bridge twice a week.

Why on earth would I have wanted to join him? Is one obliged, when one marries, to behave like a third wheel, following a man around, doing what he does?

Can't imagine what would have happened if I'd decided to join my extremely fit husband in a game of squash from time to time; I doubt I would have survived the experience.

Not sure what I would have done with the children either, if I'd decided to join him in all his hobbies.

Needless to say, we divorced in the end.

*Didn't mean to put that quote twice.

@cupsofcoffee - Yep, me too. Amazing what some people (mainly women for some reason) will put up with though.

[quote MaMelon]@cupsofcoffee - Yep, me too. Amazing what some people (mainly women for some reason) will put up with though.[/quote]
Oh, I agree! It's bonkers to me sometimes.

OH cycles and is off out for most of the weekends. It doesn't bother me at all but we don't have kids. It leaves me time for my hobbies.

This is why my DH cycles solo or with a friend, not with a club, as doesn't want to be away from home for hours on end at weekends.

I agree with others - hobbies that take up a huge amount of time mean that the burden of childcare and housework is usually shifted elsewhere, usually to the woman. It’s basically an expression of a preference for non-family time over family time.

Agree. I don't think cycling is any worse than any of these things and its certainly better than being in the pub all day. But its a deflection tactic for a certain kind of bloke who would rather not be at home dealing with small kids but would never admit to this publicly. And because it is healthy and trendy has this vaguely "new man" sheen about it it seems to have become the acceptable get-out-of-jail-free card for absentee middle-class fathers.

Now my husband (who works two long night shifts per week so has loads of time with children at secondary school) wants to take a weekend day to do a cycle with a club even though that's the only time I can go (I work in the week) even when he has 3 days a week absolutely free ? Thinks I am being inflexible and that his mate gets to do what he wants at the weekend

But if your kids are at secondary school why can't you both go out - or have I missed something.

of course selfish people will be drawn to hobbies which allow them to express their self absorption

If a guy really wants to go cycling, the whole family can go together. No need to turn into a lycra-clad MAMIL and abandon your wife and family. I find drivers are much more tolerant of family groups in normal clothes.

But that wouldn't get them out of the chores...

Mine cycles but will always check in to see if we're going out as a family that day, and if we are, he'll do a 'short' one, or else go out at 5.30am so that he can be back in time and showered / bike washed etc in good time.

But yes you can very easily see why it takes over, and of course the exercise endorphins are addictive. Before kids we both rowed at a seriously high level - think 4 hours training a day plus jobs plus commuting. I stopped all of that as soon as I had kids - there was no way that I could do that sort of training, plus full time work plus see my kids when I came home from work, and the weekends I wanted to do stuff with the kids. It took him another 2 years to realise this and at times I felt as though I was literally doing everything by myself - there was a fair amount of resentment.

Club cycling is difficult though, they start at 9am weekends near us and it just doesn't fit in with family life - if they do a 4-5h ride, that's the whole day gone, whereas if you're out at 5.30am, there's a chance you can do something as a family in the pm.

Club cycling is difficult though, they start at 9am weekends near us and it just doesn't fit in with family life - if they do a 4-5h ride, that's the whole day gone, whereas if you're out at 5.30am, there's a chance you can do something as a family in the pm

This is what I said further up - but why is club cycling like that. Why can't they do shorter rides? I don't have small children or a spouse getting ranty about "family" time - but I still don't want to do 5 hour rides. I would like to do about 90 minutes with a nice chat.

My ExH was obsessed with martial arts
they are the most sinister ones I find!

Why can't they do shorter rides?
presume b/c that's the way to get a proper buzz out of endurance exercise, at least that's why I like to run/bike for at least a certain time or intensity...it's about getting the 'fix' that you want

@poppycat10 - because it suits the members of the cycling clubs (mainly men) not to do the shorter cycles which might encourage partners and children to come along or mean they have to spend more time with their families!

Totally agree with PPs.

It isn't cycling tnhat is the problem, it is selfish people who use it as an excuse.

It used to be golf.

It will always be something

DH does a lot of mountain biking, has done ever since he was a teen. Now we have little kids, he tries to go out every two weeks or so in the evenings when the kids are in bed. If he wants to do something during the weekends he will always take the eldest with him (she has a seat mounted to his bike) and he enjoys that just as much and it gives me a bit more peace and quiet. He loves his hobby but has found ways to do it that don't get in the way of family but try to include them instead!

I can imagine I would be pretty annoyed if he didn't adjust his expectations of what he could do once we had kids. That's the issue in those marriages I think.

My husband thinks he’s being really thoughtful, because instead of going out cycling for hours he goes on zwift in our dining room for hours so he’s not ‘out the house all day’. ITS WORSE! The noise, the fact we still can’t go out for the day with him, the dining room is taken over for hours and the kids are told to go away in case they get hurt…. The cost as well but apparently he does it for us so we can still see him 🤬

@poppycat10

well, one is actually still at primary - year 5 - the other year 7 so I wouldn't leave them alone. And one school requires driving to and fro.
Plus I work in the week.

@QioiioiioQ My karate teacher actually killed his girlfriend's toddler.

So it wasn't necessarily the cycling that eventually killed the marriage. It was everything else included in that level of selfishness iyswim?

I agree it isn't the particular hobby that's the issue it's if the person (and I know women who are guilty of this too, not as many but I do know of it) uses it as an excuse to not parent and not support their partner/spouse in running the home/family.

I know of people who've used various sports (golf, footie, rugby - my ex's obsession, swimming, running, netball, hockey...), work, and hobbies like drone flying, bird watching, fishing, train spotting, owning and riding horses etc

But the thing of couples surviving cos they're NOT spending time together too works - familiarity breeds contempt. I've noticed it in couples I knew who I thought were ticking along ok then when they retired and had to spend time together they drove each other nuts and ended up splitting after often 30, 40, 50 years married! Quite a shock for their dc usually too. I was talking to one of the dc once who wasn't so shocked as she is married to a relationship counsellor and he was saying it's a peak point for divorce/separation as they suddenly realise they've nothing in common and can't stand each other!

As with many things in life it's a case of striking a balance isn't it?

The distraction isn't the point, the point is that the person is naturally a selfish individual who doesn't truly care about their family.

Because asking someone to not do something because it takes up too much time is unreasonable.

Grown ass adults especially with small kids can absolutely moderate how much time they spend on a non essential task, and eve not do it at all for a while eg when a baby's just been born.

My ex apparently considered going to a major rugby tournament scheduled for 3 weeks after my due date!

Thankfully both his best friend and his wife told him not to be a dick! That the first weeks and months after birth I would need him home and supporting his family. Just as well because it ended up being a complicated/traumatic birth for baby and i and at the point where he'd have been fucking off hundreds/thousands of miles away we'd only been home a few days and I was very much not able to cope alone.

A selfish person will always find a way to indulge their selfishness.

Absolutely! Ex now has 5 dc with 2nd wife and goes to every match, every tournament because she won't stand up for herself.

There's also the issue of exercise addiction which is a real but little known/discussed addiction. Glad to see a few here are aware of it.

A female relative of mine suffers from this and it resulted in not only ending her marriage but her ex got residency of the dc. Shortly after that she did finally seek help but she still struggles at times

Too many men seem to think they should be congratulated for looking after their own kids

Yep! Or cooking once in a blue moon or doing the dishes once a week

Their wife/ partner ALLOWS them to get away with it.

Don't blame the women for the shortcomings of the men!

These are grown ass men who KNOW they're taking the piss and could easily change their behaviour IF They WANTED to

Their wife/Partner isn't their mum!

Yes I would advise a woman in this position to stand up for herself and demand fair treatment but frankly it shouldn't reach that point if the husband/partner was remotely non selfish in the first instance

No idea, but it is a good question. But I doubt it's any different to other time consuming hobbies golf, travelling to support rugby/football teams, etc.

I'd expect most of the breakups are fairly standard ones you see on MN every day, i.e., infidelity, mismatched sex drives, mean/abusive/controlling DH, financial ... and combinations thereof

ItCantbeME
"Actually I do think its the wife's duty to join her husbands hobby if it means their marriage does not break

Duty? Fuck that. Who wants to do duties in their spare time.

I think at the end of the day with cycling is that it requires significant hours and spending to get the effect. With golf also, it's basically the whole day.

With other endurance sports, well realistically how far are most people going to run for, 1-3 hours? (which can be fitted in early doors) and the trainers cost £100

The bike stuff is lunacy - one of his friends spent 15k on a carbon bike and broke it, because he is too heavy ;)

I think there must be a few partners (usually women sigh) who are fed up .Cycling is a kind of obsessive type of sport ,that also somehow seems to tap into the 12 year old /teenager , husband thinks they once were/still are! On the plus side it keeps them fit ,however it seems a pity if they take chunks out of the weekend, as children grow quickly and its a shame if they dont remember dad coming out with them.

With my husband I think it is that his personality NEEDS something to endless research - it used to be sportsbikes, then it was sportscars, then housebuying, now its cycling. He can't just 'BE'