To wonder how many divorces cycling is a factor in?

[Sugarcoatedalmond]

I cycle myself, as does DP. We both do other sports / clubs too & each have approximately one evening per week plus a few hours at a weekend to ourselves. We’ve both cut back on our “hobby” time since having kids though. So just to be clear I have nothing whatsoever against cyclists.

However, so many of the cycling blokes we know are regularly doing all day rides (think 100 miles plus, plus coffee/lunch breaks). They do this most weekends, plus weekday rides sometimes too.

DP asked how the ones with young kids get away with it.

I responded that I bet there’s some pretty unhappy wives/partners behind the scenes and the blokes shouldn’t be too cocksure of themselves as there’s regularly women posting on here about obsessive cycling partners & being told to LTB.

With cycling having a massive spike in popularity at the moment, AIBU to wonder how many break ups it contributes to?

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

Today 15:31 Sugarcoatedalmond

@NDSandG you see, I don’t think 1/2 day is unreasonable as long as he is engaged with family life the rest of the time, and you get a break too

By the times he’s finished faffing it’s 2.00pm. Then you’ve got to load everyone in and set off somewhere. That’s not enough time for a family outing really. Unless it’s to the local park.

[MindyStClaire]

YANBU, I often remark on the same to DH when a group of men in lycra whizzes by while we're out for a walk with the DC.

We have a toddler and a baby, and two fulltime jobs. If DH decided he could absent himself for a large proportion of the weekend on a regular basis (for any reason) my reply would be less than polite, and I don't see that changing any time soon.

I once mentioned a friend having three DC under 4 to a colleague and he idly replied "I suppose that must have been us when ours were small... And it would have been around that time I got really into road racing as well, that's very demanding". The blase way he said it made my jaw literally drop. His poor wife stuck at home while he was enjoying his new time consuming hobby.

[murbblurb]

kids stop you doing stuff as there is lots of parenting to be done. If you find parenting boring - should have thought of that before removing the condom.

[LolaSmiles]

Cycling isn't the issue.
Selfish spouses who opt out of family life are the cause.

It's like another world on here where women blame a hobby for the fact their husband chooses to be a selfish arsehole. It's not the hobby that makes him opt out of family life. It's his personality and his choices.

[bigbluebus]

It's absolutely not just cycling as others have said. I have a friend who's a golf widow, another who's a tennis widow and my own DH is a hiker who is also heavily involved in voluntary work on footpaths which takes up as much time when he's home (admin) as it does when he's out. I think the issue is that with many men it seems to be all or nothing and there's no consideration for the implications on the wife/partner/family, whereas a woman with DCs might also have a hobby but would rarely expect her OH to pick up all the jobs whilst they are out.

[MaMelon]

So each person has a duty to compromise and give mutual respect. Like taking up a shared hobby and not belittling it or the people who take part in it?

Point to where I said that the person had a duty to do that. Actually point to it, rather than just making stuff up.

[zafferana]

There have always been men who did this, today it's cycling/running/triathlons/whatever, in days gone by it was gardening/the pub/the allotment/whatever.

My dad used to work five days a week + Sat mornings. Then on Sundays he'd be out in the garden for most of the day. He never did things with us at the weekends - only on holiday - and that was two weeks a year. The rest of the time he was either at work or he was pottering in the garden.

[Beamur]

Not cycling, but I think the amount of time DH used to commit to his hobby was definitely a factor in the breakdown of his first marriage. Caused a few bumps in ours too. It's difficult when you have an activity that you love but it does require a lot of time when you have family commitments too.

[cupsofcoffee]

Cycling isn't the issue, though. The problem is selfish spouses who put their hobbies above everything else.

My DH is a keen cyclist - he goes every weekend pretty much - but we still have time together and he always walks the dog first so I get to stay in bed

[SmokedDuck]

@DaisyFeather

Not cycling but running for me. It definitely contributed to our relationship breaking down. It’s not been long and he’s already ‘nipping for a run’ before he picks up DD two hours later than the agreed time. When I say anything he flips it to ‘don’t you want DD more?’ as if I’m trying to palm her off.

It started for charity, then became obsessive. At least half a marathon everyday. I went to the first few races but when it became his out for everything I lost all enthusiasm. I never wanted him to stop, I just wanted more balance. And while it helped his overall mood, it just made him angrier with me, amongst other things because I didn’t look like the women he runs with and he was embarrassed of me, and also because time with me was time he could be running.

If I ever date again, I’d be seriously wary if it was anything more than a couple of times a week (which is what I aim for.)

Everyone thinks he’s a saint because he ran for charity twice and I was painted as this horrible uninterested wife. But when someone starts calling you a cunt because you weren’t enthusiastic enough that he had his first runners high while you were three days post miscarriage and he’d left you in pain, is when you realise it’s not that you resent them, it’s that they think they’re better than you because they can do a sub-7 minute mile.

I've wondered with some things like cycling and running if there isn't an addiction element, related to the actual intense exercise over a long time.

[godmum56]

ItCantbeME
"Actually I do think its the wife's duty to join her husbands hobby if it means their marriage does not break.

And I think its his duty to join in with hers.

It is an extension of the marriage which requires patience, dedication and understanding.

Because asking someone to not do something because it takes up too much time is unreasonable. Unfortunately some hobbies like the OP mentioned only happen at certain times and places its up to them both to make it work."

I don't think its the taking up too much time thing so much as the imbalance when one partner expects to be able to take time out and do things instead of sharing household duties, childcare and family time.

From my personal experience, its not always possible to share hobbies. My late DH's hobby was motorcycling, riding big high performance bikes and training others to do the same. I used to love going out as a pillion somtimes and we did other things together but my "thing" is art and craft which he did not enjoy and if I had tried biking, I would have killed myself and or someone else!

[LolaSmiles]

cupsofcoffee
I love your post!

The problem is that some men don't pull their weight and are lazy and will find ways to opt out of doing their share. It doesn't matter whether their opting out is cycling, the gym, xbox, going down the pub, spend most weekends following a football team around the country. The hobby isn't the problem. It's the man that is the problem

Plenty of men and women manage to have hobbies, including cycling, and play a fair and active role in family life.

The sooner we start holding men accountable for their actions instead of passing the buck onto their friends, their mums, their workplaces, their hobbies, etc the better in my opinion.

[nokidshere]

. I think the issue is that with many men it seems to be all or nothing and there's no consideration for the implications on the wife/partner/family, whereas a woman with DCs might also have a hobby but would rarely expect her OH to pick up all the jobs whilst they are out.

But isn't that part of the problem? I always expected DH to do whatever I would have been doing had I been there. Why would you not expect it?

Even If I am up to my elbows in another room painting, or creating something, I wouldn't stop to make dinner if DH was there and available. Nor would he expect me to.

[godmum56]

SmokedDuck "I've wondered with some things like cycling and running if there isn't an addiction element, related to the actual intense exercise over a long time."

yup its a thing www.healthline.com/health/exercise-addiction

[Whyhello]

It’s probably the same for any hobby. Some women ‘lose’ their OH’s to football, for example. I know one woman who divorced her husband because he was a season ticket holder and went to every game every single week, sometimes he’d have to travel to the other end of the country to get to the match. It took over their weekends for most of the year and she couldn’t stand it so got rid. Golf is probably similar and perhaps running and the gym to an extent. If you’re obsessed with something enough to let it majorly disrupt your home life, it’s definitely going to affect your relationship.

[whataboutbob]

I remember being resentful back when our two boys were a handful, DH would head off to the hills with his mates and I’d be off to the museum / park with the kids. However I’d also get time to do stuff I enjoyed while he looked after the kids. It’s about give and take. How sad it would be to boycott your spouse’s hobby. These days I love to see him heading out as I know I’ll be getting some me time.

[cupsofcoffee]

I've wondered with some things like cycling and running if there isn't an addiction element, related to the actual intense exercise over a long time.

It's well documented that exercise is extremely addictive. You chase the high/endorphins you get when you finish a long run/ride.

[MaMelon]

How sad it would be to boycott your spouse’s hobby

It would only be sad if there wasn't give and take. If your partner is being a dick and continually leaving you with young children or the chores then that's the sad thing. Actually, sad isn't the word. Boycott away in that case, then they might not be a dick.

[zafferana]

@Soupforoneplease

Just a question, do some women feel unhappy as they are generally less into hobbies, their hobbies involve the children or they put the family first? I don't know the answer just asking. I have no hobbies and I would love one, or just some time to myself!

I run 3x a week. I fit it around the family's needs. So if we have plans I'll run at 8am. I go for 40 mins to an hour. Often, no one will even notice I'm gone! I'd say at least half the time DH will say 'Oh are you going for a run?' and I'll reply 'No, I just got back!'. My hobby keeps me sane and it has literally zero impact on my family. But I'm a woman.

[FridayFeeling21]

It defo was in my divorce. He just wasn't around one day each weekend and for chunks of most evenings. Then he was constantly "helping out" a female member of the group, which always seemed to be clashing with kids bedtimes and other family events, this being a member who I happen to know had already shagged another married member of the club before settling on my XH. But tbh his frequent absences drained the love out of the marriage long before that so at that point I just didn't care. I did love him, still do in a way, but it's a greedy hobby - both time and money wise, there just wasn't room for me, or my needs or feelings.

Oh and the amount of money that went into the hobby when I had to negotiate for house repairs etc which I invariably ended up bodging myself as he wasn't there to blooming well help!

My current husband and I our collective kids spend so much more family time together it feels like a luxury tbh, when it's just normal really. I just spent so much time on my own with small children. It was a dismal time of my life tbh.

[drpet49]

** However, so many of the cycling blokes we know are regularly doing all day rides (think 100 miles plus, plus coffee/lunch breaks). They do this most weekends, plus weekday rides sometimes too.

DP asked how the ones with young kids get away with it.**

^Their wife/ partner ALLOWS them to get away with it.

[cupsofcoffee]

@MaMelon

How sad it would be to boycott your spouse’s hobby

It would only be sad if there wasn't give and take. If your partner is being a dick and continually leaving you with young children or the chores then that's the sad thing. Actually, sad isn't the word. Boycott away in that case, then they might not be a dick.

If my partner behaved so shittily, I wouldn't be wasting my time trying to boycott anything. I'd be looking at ways to end the relationship.

[cupsofcoffee]

@drpet49

** However, so many of the cycling blokes we know are regularly doing all day rides (think 100 miles plus, plus coffee/lunch breaks). They do this most weekends, plus weekday rides sometimes too.

DP asked how the ones with young kids get away with it.**

^Their wife/ partner ALLOWS them to get away with it.

Or maybe their wife/partner doesn't mind because they get time off elsewhere.

[BrownEyedGirl80]

My ExH was obsessed with martial arts and weight lifting.I tried to be
understanding but when I wasn't allowed to talk to him as he rushed in from work to train in the spare room,things went down hill from there.Apparently me making conversation before he trained would "get him out of his zone" wanker

[medlenno]

I run but I get up at 4.30 in the week (job starts at 7am) and I'll usually do a long one at the weekend so I'm back by 9am at the latest.

I don't do races now, can't be arsed and I'm a cheapskate!

I used to run to and from work so that got the miles in but now at home I've changed my waking up hours to fit it in so it doesn't impact anyone. Minimal expense on gear and no endless research and meet ups.

Now my husband (who works two long night shifts per week so has loads of time with children at secondary school) wants to take a weekend day to do a cycle with a club even though that's the only time I can go (I work in the week) even when he has 3 days a week absolutely free ? Thinks I am being inflexible and that his mate gets to do what he wants at the weekend.

Has spent about 3-4 grand in just a few months and basically looks at nothing else on his phone or Strava. Endless tinkering with bike stuff and has moved his fancy bike inside which chucking my bike (I use less cos no commute) in the sideway.

Flies off in a huff if I ask about spend or time or anything