To wonder how many divorces cycling is a factor in?

[Sugarcoatedalmond]

I cycle myself, as does DP. We both do other sports / clubs too & each have approximately one evening per week plus a few hours at a weekend to ourselves. We’ve both cut back on our “hobby” time since having kids though. So just to be clear I have nothing whatsoever against cyclists.

However, so many of the cycling blokes we know are regularly doing all day rides (think 100 miles plus, plus coffee/lunch breaks). They do this most weekends, plus weekday rides sometimes too.

DP asked how the ones with young kids get away with it.

I responded that I bet there’s some pretty unhappy wives/partners behind the scenes and the blokes shouldn’t be too cocksure of themselves as there’s regularly women posting on here about obsessive cycling partners & being told to LTB.

With cycling having a massive spike in popularity at the moment, AIBU to wonder how many break ups it contributes to?

It's not the cycling, it's the attitude to family and sense of respect and responsibility.

DH cycles but he didn't do weekend club rides for years when DC were small - because he knew that would place an unfair burden on me. Now they're teens he goes every Sunday for most of the day. Fine by me. He comes back energised and happy and then mucks in with house, kids, cooking etc. My hobby takes 2-3 evenings a week in season and he then holds the fort. It can work.

I know a few blokes who cycle.
One is divorced and does his cycling on his child free weekends.
One has a wife who is happy spending a lot of time with her sisters and mother while he is off cycling for the day.
Two more don’t work 9-5 so cycle while kids are at school and wife at work.

My mum was a golf widow. My dad was the envy of the golf club because he was allowed to play on Christmas Day. They were married for 64 years.

dottiedodah
They can take the kids with them on some rides so Mum gets some time to herself.
speaking from experience, it's a blissful morning to get some speed cleaning done and then sit with a cup of coffee and a book

My karate teacher actually killed his girlfriend's toddler
how awful and horrifying:(
I cant help wondering, what was your impression of his as a person before this happened? I've done a bit of martial arts (I have no ability!) I recognise certain types who become very focused on being 'perfect killing machines'

@QioiioiioQ

Definite Taxi Driver vibes yes

Dh used to shoot clay pigeons, a lot of men at the club were divorced or long term single. They’d shoot two nights in the week, all day Saturday and Sunday.

Cartridges cost a FORTUNE.

@Katiepoes

I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask someone to reduce time on a 'hobby' because it 's taking up too much time. You don't get the check out of family life because you enjoy a sport - I can see my SIL's relationship heading down the tubes as her partner prioritises his cycling over her, their very small children and all family events. She does not want him to stop, she just wants him to be there for parties, for the odd trip to the zoo - even just to mess about in the garden and not spend the few hours he is home dicking about with his gear. Hw wanted kids, he seems to want to live out his Tour de France fantasies more.

@Katiepoes That could be the topic for a while other different thread. From seeing what women post on Mumsnet, I think many, many men want children not because they want to be fathers, but because they want to pass on their genetic material. They assume that eventually, begrudgingly, their wife will have do all the dirty work leaving them to occasionally read a bedtime story or play an entertaining board game when they suits them before disappearing for the weekend.

@Sugarcoatedalmond

YANBU. I don't know how marriages survive it when only the husband takes part in a hobby, that involves him leaving the wife at home with the kids all the time (and leaves her with all the responsibilities of running the home/doing all the domestic chores/childcare etc...)

Because I sure as hell would never have stayed in a marriage to a man who had a hobby like cycling, golf, or fishing. Or anything else that took him away from home, and his family, and his responsibilities, for 80% or more of his free time.

Basically, these men have checked out of family life...

I have known a number of men like this, and they are hands-down, taking part in these hobbies to get away from their family duties and responsibilities.

Imagine if his wife wanted to spend as much time away from home as HE did? And imagine if she wanted to do the hobby WITH him? Wouldn't happen, as the men are usually doing to it to get away from her and the kids, and family life in general.

My husband is a very keen cyclist and will often go for 100 miles rides at weekends. I don’t mind at all really and I’m not sure what all the MN cyclist outrage is all about.

I have 4 children but they are older now - 18, 16, 13, 11, so I don’t “need” my husband to be here to “do” anything. In fact, when he’s out, it’s an easy day for me as I don’t have to prepare lunch according to his preferences and maybe we’ll just have pasta or Deliveroo.

Also he goes away for two separate weeks a year for cycling events. He also goes away climbing a few times a year and has always done this since the kids were born. More recently, he has started racing cars, so will have one or two track days a month at Silverstone or perhaps in Portugal or Italy (pre-Covid). He also teaches a martial art on Wednesday nights and some Saturday mornings. He has a boat on the south coast and goes sailing in that, but less frequently. He has a gym in our basement where he works out every morning for maybe an hour. He has always done all this through having four children. Even when we were on holidays, he would go off diving (oh, that’s another one) or cycling on maybe several days.

The worst thing, for me, when the kids were very little was the paragliding. He used to want us to come with him “for the day out.” So I have a tiny baby and toddlers running haywire on a hill on the South Downs or somewhere and the whole thing would hinge on the right wind coming about. Then suddenly, it would come, and he’d take off until he was a spec in the distance! Then I’d have to get all four kids and stuff into the car and drive down to wherever he’d said he was going to land. I don’t know why I agreed to this as it was a nightmare, to be honest.

To summarise, the cycling is the least of my worries and he’s quite demanding at home anyway, so it gives me a break. To be fair, he does work very hard for us and this is how he relaxes. He’s always been a workaholic and it’s a fine balance at times, so if this is what he needs to do to keep his mental health in check, I’ve always felt I had to support him. When all is said and done, he provides us with a lovely life and I have never needed to work or juggle childcare etc. So it is what it is. I’m glad he’s healthy and just because I don’t have the energy for all that type of thing, who am I to hold him back? I can relax and keep fit when he’s at work and the kids at school and that’s why I accept it. It is an imbalance though, when I think about it, as I’ve had one (one!) night away from the family in 18 years. It’s much more difficult for me to extricate myself from the family whereas he has done this since day one. I think if you go to work, you are used to extricating yourself, so less concerned about doing other things such as hobbies on top which also take you away. I feel too guilty, but it’s probably my issue, to be honest and I’m working in it.

I wonder if some men do it as a way to spend all the money before a divorce so the wife gets less.

It's not cycling or golf per se, it's ANY activity that takes a spouse away from their family responsibilities to the detriment of the other spouse that leads to divorce.

My DH has a, well, more than a hobby, a 'passion' for a particular sport. In our whole relationship & marriage (over 35 years now) the was only ONE time it bothered me. Other than that I didn't care if he was gone weekend days and on 'activity' trips (we went with him at times). Partly because he did keep up his end of the parenting/'spousing' bargain in other ways, partly because he never put his foot in any of my plans, and partly because it gave me plenty of time to do what I wanted with our DC, usually 'mall-ratting' or at my parent's house.

We're retired now and since the sport is hazardous and requires extremely quick responses he doesn't do it as much, just enough to 'satisfy his soul'. Our boys have great memories of time spent with me one on one and great memories of time spent with their dad and his sport although neither of them took it up as neither of them are thrill seekers.

If it had bothered me to the extent that some 'sport/activity widows' feel or if DH had neglected us and his responsibilities or expected me to put my life on hold whenever he wanted to do his sport I would have left too.

Cycling's a bit of a new thing. I've cycled for about 30 years (rarely more than for about 2 hours!) and until about 15 years ago the roads were empty of cyclists (in the early morning). Packed now. Even during lockdown I'd see pelotons of a dozen or more, mainly male, even at 7am on a Sunday ...But I guess about a quarter of the cyclists I see now are women.

@Galdos

Cycling's a bit of a new thing. I've cycled for about 30 years (rarely more than for about 2 hours!) and until about 15 years ago the roads were empty of cyclists (in the early morning). Packed now. Even during lockdown I'd see pelotons of a dozen or more, mainly male, even at 7am on a Sunday ...But I guess about a quarter of the cyclists I see now are women.

not round here it isn't, nor in London. I used to go up to visit my Mum on a friday night and get a cab from the train to her house. All along the embankment there used to be this stream of sweaty wobbly lycra clad male bums :( ...and she died 13 years ago.

@arabesque7 I am amazed that you think that is okay?

“I wonder if some men do it as a way to spend all the money before a divorce so the wife gets less.”

If you marry that type of man, obviously you know what you’re getting into because they were like that before you married them! Nothing changes, so you can hardly claim “woe is me.” This is why I can’t complain because you can’t change people and why would you want to?

I am exhausted reading all the lists of hobbies onhere.

I work and have 3 kids. By the time DH and I have worked FT (flexi hours), sorted kids out, sorted the house out, laundry, shopping and life admin, I just want to put the telly on and maybe manage a walk.

How do people find time to pursue hobbies like this?

I cycle, my dh cycles too. Now the kids are grown we would both do regular 3/4 hour rides each Sunday, and some evenings during the week. I used to often wonder how the younger men in the club manage to get out so often until I realised they were obsessive type people anyway. Any activity they got into, they did it at full pace and with the more and more expensive gear. Dh & I, our bikes cost 2.5k each, very good bikes. Apart from shoes and helmet, those are the costs - gear can last for years (apart from the odd tube and tyre) and we have absolutely no problems keeping pace with those up to 20 years younger than us. But some of the guys, obsess about a new lighter bike, aero helmet, lighter shoes, the next best thing. It's just their nature same as some other people will obsess over new cars, golf clubs, diy, or whatever their hobby is.

Btw I absolutely hate the way cyclists are called MAMILS - we are all ages, male & female, and yes we wear Lycra but you wouldn't expect a swim team to train wearing jeans, or golfers, or soccer players, etc.

“@arabesque7 I am amazed that you think that is okay”

Honestly, I was fine with it and I’m not that unusual, I don’t think. Lots of my friends’ husbands are similar. I’m very independent. I never had any help from anyone. I could have had a nanny, but that’s just something else to manage, so I never bothered. I have had no family help as they’re overseas. My husband works extremely hard for us and that was his balance, so I can’t complain. I got used to him being away as he was often away with his work anyway. My job was the kids and the home so I just got on with it (though I did have a cleaner usually).

It’s no different than golf.

Probably quite a few, but fewer than the number of divorces caused by horses. Now there’s a proper time-consuming, money-pit of a hobby.

I don't mind how often he goes out, or for how long, now that the kids are older and all the shit doesn't fall on me as it used to, but I do mind the way he comes in and cycling clobber is instantly deposited all over the bloody house. And the shed is big enough for DP's many, many bikes for different purposes, it but even so I still randomly find one in the kitchen every bloody weekend... Oh and I also keep hurting his feelings by laughing when he unzips his jacket because he looks like a pot-bellied Victorian weight-lifter in those silly shorts with braces. But it keeps him happy and he can blather on for hours to his mates about it.

@arabesque7 I hope you find yourself now your children are a bit older. Stake your claim on yourself a bit.

Golf, cricket... Men love an involved long hobby, if it's got gadgets even better (exh took up marathon running, even that involves lots of expense!). Don't get me started on classic cars and motorbikes...

RickOShay - yes, I’m trying. Thankyou so much.