To think this insensitive and the end of a long friendship

[turquoiseandblue]

My two best friends from uni, one who was on my course and who I suppose I'm a bit closer to but we've all been friends for over 25 yrs it's all pretty equal now.
I got a message from one saying they were meeting the other and could do with a chat as we hadn't spoken in so long, saying that lots of WhatsApp and a few face times given COVID (the last zoom call we tried to set up she didn't want to be bothered with).
I called her to be told she was in fact going on holiday with her children and our other friend as they had a spare room in their lodge they knew they would take and I was more 'difficult' (I have a toddler). I was then told it had been booked over a year ago. I replied that had they let me know I could have booked somewhere near, that was met with a pitying sigh as if I had some kind of problem.
I was then asked if I wanted to come on a zoom call with everyone when they were there, I replied I'd rather not as it was just a reminder that I wasn't there with them and hadn't been invited, I did say this all in quite a light hearted manner though again it was met with another sign.
AIBU to think they are just disregarding my feelings, particularly now they have returned they want to meet up in an area between all of us which they have chosen. This is in fact not at all in the middle and a 4hr drive for me.
It's such a long standing friendship but I have felt very left out on a number of occasions (lonely in a group of three) and I just wonder whether despite being godparents to each other's children and bridesmaids etc whether I should still be putting the effort in when my feelings aren't seemingly considered . If it were me I wouldn't have planned a holiday after lockdown without considering each of them and certainly wouldn't have made a guilty phone call just before I was about to leave for a holiday. Any advice on what to do next is welcome

Friend A inviting child-free friend B rather than the OP and her toddler to stay in the spare room of the lodge sounds like an absolute no-brainer!
I’m struggling to see how anyone could be offended or put out by that.

I think that the OP was unfair to complain to Friend A that had she known she could have booked somewhere close by. That could easily make the holiday awkward .

I think the OPs responses to her friends sound snippy and sour rather than ‘light-hearted’. I would be disappointed not to have gone on the holiday but I wouldn’t have felt I was left out. It was done for very understandable reasons.

I wonder if the OPs reaction to the holiday has caused the friends to not care that she will have a 4 hour drive to meet up.

Any advice on what to do next is welcome

Well, the answer to this is - nothing

It’s fairly easy to explain away a share of a holiday lodge, but the sighs and mention of you being ”difficult” is a bit shit.

I’ve had this “oh we planned this for a whole year” comment from my family - delivered with glee that they’d kept me out of the loop. This wasn’t the first or last thing they did. So now I keep THEM out of MY loop and they can do whatever the fuck they like.

The pp are right, and you know this - they are not your friends.

So don’t bother any more. Mute the WhatsApp, set FB to hide them from your timeline, just put them out of your view. You don’t need them to make a point to reminding you of how unimportant you are to them.

I know this stuff hurts. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Advice on what to do next depends. If the friendship is still enjoyable on an occasional meet up as a reminder of shared past histories level, then maintain it on that level. If you regularly feel like the spare part when you meet up, as you have strongly implied, then don’t bother to make the effort any more, because it will only serve to sour nice past memories as well as being deeply unsatisfying in the present.

Don’t kid yourself: there was nothing light hearted about your dig re the zoom call to them whilst they’re away together.

It’s impossible to tell whether they’re a nasty pair deliberately ostracising you by choosing meet locations too far away from you, or if they simply are closer and don’t want to feel they have to book everything to include you.

It’s interesting that you say you wouldn’t have booked a holiday without them... that actually sounds quite stifling to me. They’re allowed not to be the same gang of three that they were 25 years ago. I mean - 25 years! I’m intrigued that you felt the need to start your post that one was closer to you on your course, but equal now. That’s a bit... stuck in the past? It’s been 25 years, who sat next to who in lectures is irrelevant!

It is hard when friends form a closer bond without you, I’m sorry for you, I’ve been through it.

But you need to be honest with yourself - no way did your refusal to join a call with them come across as light hearted - instead, you made it awkward.

How old are your kids and theirs? The uni friends I’m closest too are the ones with similar age kids….

Surprised be the number of people telling you to phase-out your friends of 25 years over this. How drastic!

I think you can forgive them the holiday. It sounds like the lodge was an easy holiday set-up for the two families and perhaps they just didn't consider that you would find it so hurtful. The zoom call, I think, was a pretty tone-deaf idea. I do agree with @Bluntness100 that the 'sighs' seem to indicate that they might find you a bit difficult at times.

They seem pretty happy to do what suits them, I would advise doing the same. Don't attend when things put you out too much as it will make you feel resentful. Perhaps get in there first next time and make arrangements that are convenient for you?

Tell them to enjoy their holiday then quite frankly delete them off all your social media, block their numbers and go live your life. Not only have they done this but they want to rub your face in it as well. You don't need people like this and they are definitely not friends.

Did they say that YOU are difficult, or that it would have been more difficult FOR YOU because you have a toddler? That's quite different

I wouldn't be too hasty to cut off ties. It can be useful to play the long game. Over the years, various friends have (not) asked me to be bridesmaid / godparent / holiday companion. It gives a message how they see you at that point in their life, but doesn't have to define your friendship for ever

The zoom call would feel like a right slap in the face.

I do feel sorry for you OP - you are not unreasonable to feel hurt . The sighing and general exclusion sounds a bit mean . You are obviously more invested in this friendship than they are . That’s not that uncommon in life and is just something you need to shrug your shoulders about and move on .

I would suggest that you do absolutely nothing - instead concentRate on making new friends who are welcoming of you and your toddler. If these 2 friends are available and you want to see them in an arms length kind of way then do .

@Walkaround

Advice on what to do next depends. If the friendship is still enjoyable on an occasional meet up as a reminder of shared past histories level, then maintain it on that level. If you regularly feel like the spare part when you meet up, as you have strongly implied, then don’t bother to make the effort any more, because it will only serve to sour nice past memories as well as being deeply unsatisfying in the present.

+1 to this.

I had a situation some years ago with family members where everyone had made their plans, and I was the spare part. Just a day thing, but not one of them gave a sh1t enough to ask me along. I do my own thing now.

It’s interesting that you say you wouldn’t have booked a holiday without them... that actually sounds quite stifling to me.

I don't think OP meant she never books holidays without them, just that if she was planning a holiday with one of them, she would invite the other.

Anyway, is OP even coming back?!

How old are their kids if you have a toddler OP? If theirs are at least 8 or so, it totally changes the holiday dynamics to include your toddler. Mine are teens and early twenties and I can’t think of anything much worse than having precious holiday leave spent not being able to do what I want because the toddler was tired, bored, tantruming or wanted to go run around when I wanted to enjoy a relaxed lunch in a cafe.
This. A million times this!!!
Even spending a whole day with a toddler can be very wearing, let alone choosing to go on holiday with someone else's toddler. It can be even harder if parenting styles clash.

@redcarbluecar that's exactly what I've done, put friends who I thought cared about me but don't into a different box

I am in a group of 3, all of us best friends since uni. As we got older, and had dc, two of us started to get closer. The main reason was because our dc got on really well. Our dc were all outdoorsy and adventurous, her dc weren’t into that. We tried to arrange activities we could all do together but her dc just weren’t interested and we would have to cater to them, which irritated our dc. It wasn’t intentional but we started to arrange more things just the two of us because it was easier. We do all still meet up as a 3, but we meet the two of us much more often. We have also gone on a sports holiday with the dc, just the two of us, although we did invite her and she declined.

It’s not that we like her any less, it’s just circumstances. It could just be that their dc get on and with a toddler, they would have to make allowances for you. I do understand why you’re hurt but i don’t think they’re deliberately trying to leave you out.

@Icecreamsoda99

So Friend A booked a holiday and had space in her lodge for one other family so invited Friend B. Either because she feels closer to them, the partners get on better or it was just a better fit.

Yeah I would be hurt even though Friend A hasn't done anything wrong in my opinion. Though it was unfair of them to keep it a secret, but your reaction to it kind of make it clear why they felt they had to.

You finf out and try and insert yourself in the holiday by saying you could have booked somewhere nearby, which would have changed the dynamic of the holiday for them. Not because of who you are but because they will now need to accommodate a third family's needs, and one not even on site so they will have to wait for you to arrive with them in the morning, or text you changes of plans, it creates a level of organization for Friend A on her holiday which just isn't there if everyone is in the same place.

I don't think your unreasonable to be upset and hurt that's human nature, but I also don't think they have done anything wrong apart from keeping it a secret, but I can totally understand why they did.

I have to say, even though I sympathise massively with the OP's feelings, I do agree with this.

I was cringing reading that OP said that they could have booked somewhere nearby. Read the room!

I have a uni group, and my best friend in it lives in the same city as another member of the group. Ergo apparently I can never just meet her, it has to be her and the other friend, including two toddlers. Even though I suggest these things in 121 chats, not the group where everyone can see it.

OP, I honestly totally get why you're hurt, but I have to ask how much you've cultivated individual relationships with these women? If you'd never leave someone out, does that mean that you only ever message them in the group? Are there not any private jokes you share with one alone? Because that's the kind of intimacy that takes it from "the group" to one to one.

I have groups where I have private chats with all members, and groups where I only have private chats with one or two. And indeed, groups where I'm quite an outsider (esp. the one where I'm the only one who didn't grow up with them and they all have kids). I just ride the dynamics and don't take it personally when everything isn't 100% inclusive.

Friendships change over time and I think we have to accept that. It doesn't mean throwing out the friendship. And two people are allowed to book a holiday together. We have a group of friends where twos threes and fours do holidays together. It doesn't have to always be all of us.

Having had my own toddler I don't think I would choose to holiday with someone else's.

Do they have children? If so, how old are they?

I’d accept that the other two are closer but still be friends with them.
I wouldn’t want to go on holiday with a friend and their toddler. My best friend used to occasionally bring her DGC to our get togethers and the toddler was a real pain in the butt.

Friendships change over time and I think we have to accept that. It doesn't mean throwing out the friendship. And two people are allowed to book a holiday together. We have a group of friends where twos threes and fours do holidays together. It doesn't have to always be all of us.

^I agree with this. They haven’t actually done anything wrong, although I understand why you’re hurt at the way they went about telling you.

Point out that it's not in the middle for you and only convenient for them, and suggest a place that is more in the middle for you.

And see how it goes. Frankly? they're moving on and you probably should too.

If you have known them for 25 years since University you are all in your 40s. You say you have a toddler, but don’t mention any other children or their ages. I get the feeling you are the only one with a very young child, so if they have children , and even if you have other children they are much older. You also talk about a spare room in “the lodge” so am assuming that it is some sort of place like centre parks, geared towards active sporty fun. So ideal for older children, not for a toddler. Evenings would also be difficult, your child would be tired and grumpy by 8.00, so would you be realistically after running around after your child, but no one else would be ready for bed!

Even if they begged you to come it would not be a comfortable holiday for any of you, too many conflicting needs.

I don't think you should see it as the end of the friendship - that would be a real shame. Take a step back give it some space and try to focus on something else.
Maybe the dynamics of the friendship have changed a bit and you are too focussed on this friendship.

Let them know you would love to catch up but 4 hours is not manageable. Maybe next time it could be closer......

Just step back don't make a drama out of it.

@drawerofwater

Just accept it for what it is. 2 of the 3 have grown a bit closer. It doesn’t mean they dislike you or don’t want to remain friends with you 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is what I think. It happens. It's just they connect more with each other.