To think this insensitive and the end of a long friendship

[turquoiseandblue]

My two best friends from uni, one who was on my course and who I suppose I'm a bit closer to but we've all been friends for over 25 yrs it's all pretty equal now.
I got a message from one saying they were meeting the other and could do with a chat as we hadn't spoken in so long, saying that lots of WhatsApp and a few face times given COVID (the last zoom call we tried to set up she didn't want to be bothered with).
I called her to be told she was in fact going on holiday with her children and our other friend as they had a spare room in their lodge they knew they would take and I was more 'difficult' (I have a toddler). I was then told it had been booked over a year ago. I replied that had they let me know I could have booked somewhere near, that was met with a pitying sigh as if I had some kind of problem.
I was then asked if I wanted to come on a zoom call with everyone when they were there, I replied I'd rather not as it was just a reminder that I wasn't there with them and hadn't been invited, I did say this all in quite a light hearted manner though again it was met with another sign.
AIBU to think they are just disregarding my feelings, particularly now they have returned they want to meet up in an area between all of us which they have chosen. This is in fact not at all in the middle and a 4hr drive for me.
It's such a long standing friendship but I have felt very left out on a number of occasions (lonely in a group of three) and I just wonder whether despite being godparents to each other's children and bridesmaids etc whether I should still be putting the effort in when my feelings aren't seemingly considered . If it were me I wouldn't have planned a holiday after lockdown without considering each of them and certainly wouldn't have made a guilty phone call just before I was about to leave for a holiday. Any advice on what to do next is welcome

@InnaBun

I was then asked if I wanted to come on a zoom call with everyone when they were there, I replied I'd rather not as it was just a reminder that I wasn't there with them and hadn't been invited, I did say this all in quite a light hearted manner though again it was met with another sign. sounds like they tried to make an effort to include you and you took it as an opportunity to make a dig at them

If they wanted to make an effort they would have invited her in the first place.

Just accept it for what it is. 2 of the 3 have grown a bit closer. It doesn’t mean they dislike you or don’t want to remain friends with you 🤷🏻‍♀️

I understand that 1 is childless and the other has a couple of dc? Could it be that the single friend is easier to combine with a family if all the kids are at different stages and therefore require managing more if together?

@InnaBun

But it's a shit effort. it is but it sounds like they were aware they'd hurt OPs feelings a bit and had tried to think of some way to include her only for it to not be good enough.

Of course it's not good enough. It's rubbing her nose in it.

having said that, I think OP's response to the suggestion could have been more dignified.

I don’t understand the pow who are saying your overreacting. Your friends organised a holiday a year ago, leaving you out and only told you by the sounds of it as they were about to leave. No doubt you would have found out from social media.
These friends have run their course.
Do not allow yourself to be treated badly

What they did wasn't kind but I wouldn't bother making a fuss I just wouldn't bother putting myself out.

I certainly wouldn't be driving 4 hours.

OP friendships change and drift, gocus on making connections closer to you.

YANBU, sounds like they want you there when it’s convenient for them.

Leave them to it.

@InnaBun

I was then asked if I wanted to come on a zoom call with everyone when they were there, I replied I'd rather not as it was just a reminder that I wasn't there with them and hadn't been invited, I did say this all in quite a light hearted manner though again it was met with another sign. sounds like they tried to make an effort to include you and you took it as an opportunity to make a dig at them

Not inviting someone on holiday and then expecting them to join you on a zoom call where they will inevitably talk about said holiday is thoughtless.

And then expecting OP to go out of her way and drive 4 hours to meet them and trying to pass it off as meeting in the middle is entitled and bitchy.

having said that, I think OP's response to the suggestion could have been more dignified.

I think her response was great, they can’t pretend like everything is ok if they’re told they’re excluding OP.

They didn't exclude anyone.

They made plans to holiday together. They are also trying to make plans with the three of them, I daresay they will also make plans separately from each other with different friends.

Not every member of friendship groups have to be invited to everything.

I'm sorry you feel upset op but I really would expect to be invited on a holiday just because someone else was.

The ball is in your court though, if you no longer wish to be friends just decline their offers to meet up.

your only option is to channel your inner Rose.
she said she won't let go. but she did

images.app.goo.gl/2pg8bdWcoQSDXDCx9

@turquoiseandblue I am sorry you have been treated like this and you deserve better. You are clearly very hurt (and understandably so,) but as a few posters have said, they are no longer your friends, and the friendships with these 2 women have run their course. Also, as a few posters have said, the zoom call meeting was an insulting afterthought to ease their own conscience because they knew how shitty their behaviour was towards you.

Don't contact them any more and phase them out. If they value you and your friendship, they will try to contact you and make amends with you.

Some people (I have done it myself in the past,) desperately try to cling onto something that is no longer good anymore, and that has run its course; be that a friendship, a marriage, or a job, or something else like a hobby group, or a pastime.

I have actually phased friends out in the past when they just can't be arsed with me, and on several occasions they have come back to me 2 or 3 years later. I'm afraid to say that by then, I had moved on and made new friendships.

And the fact that they weren't there when I needed them, and made zero effort, always put other/newer friends first, and often never even returned my calls, emails, or texts, meant I was not interested in rekindling the friendship(s) when they did eventually make the effort. Unfortunately they left it too long, and I had moved on...

The pitying sighs sound annoying, but....Don’t end the friendships, just try to rethink them - maybe you’re not a ‘three’ as such, but can nurture your individual relationship with each of them. I have two long standing uni friends too, and the friendships can withstand us doing things in different combinations. Obviously if you feel like they don’t care about you, step back more decisively, but that sounds like something to consider a bit more over time.

Life is to short to me making an effort with people like your 'friends' and Personally I would distance myself from them. Yes there is history between you all, but that's no reason to stay friends when clearly they aren't the friends you thought.
If they make you unhappy, walk away!

It’s quite healthy to do things individually even within a group friendship

Going on holiday is massively limiting with a toddler

I don’t really think they’ve done anything wrong

If all your kids were the same ages I’d feel annoyed probably - are they?

If they booked the holiday last year and it's only taking place now, could there have been a reason relating to last year why they thought you couldn't/wouldn't want to come? You say you have a toddler now - did you have a baby last year? If so maybe they weren't wanting to share a lodge with a baby? Were you shielding? Do you have a partner, and do they (and if so are there partners going)?

I think a few people will this year be taking holidays that were intended for last year and which arent quite as suitable now.

Is there a reason why maybe there isn't room for you? Eg did they get offered the lodge by a friend/family member and it's just not big enough for all of you?

I can understand why you are hurt, but if it's a longstanding friendship I'd at least try to talk to them and understand their reasoning before deciding to end the friendship.

Seems to me they wanted to keep it secret from you, then decided it wasn’t worth the risk of you finding out. And yes, they are thick as mince if they think it isn’t deeply insensitive to the point of being unkind to tell you they arranged something a year ago, made sure not to tell you until there was absolutely no way you could spoil their arrangement by trying to find somewhere nearby to be able to join them, and then rubbed your nose in it by suggesting you drive for four hours to meet up with them briefly. They thought you would spoil their fun and have actually told you as much.

It is hurtful when people treat you like this and regardless of whether other people say you shouldn't be hurt the fact is you are I've had situations in the past where I get left out but flip things round and everyone gets invited - it's only me that gets excluded

You know the group and the dynamic between you all and you feel left out.

Own and accept your feelings and take it a chance to reflect on how they treat you and how you now feel about them.it took me a while but I realised that certain people made me feel like crap.

You can emotionally detach yourself from them without having to have a 'break up' conversation.

Don't drive 4 hours to see them.nir

Is there a point between the three of you that would be less than 4 hours for you and still fair for them? If so suggest that.

But it sounds like things have run their course.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

They didn't exclude anyone.

They made plans to holiday together. They are also trying to make plans with the three of them, I daresay they will also make plans separately from each other with different friends.

Not every member of friendship groups have to be invited to everything.

I'm sorry you feel upset op but I really would expect to be invited on a holiday just because someone else was.

The ball is in your court though, if you no longer wish to be friends just decline their offers to meet up.

It is effectively excluding OP because one of them called OP to ask for a call and then told OP she was going to go on holiday with the other friend and OP wasn’t invited because there was no space for her.

And this friend has not been available for the last few Zoom calls with with the other two but is now saying to OP let’s have a Zoom call while we’re on holiday! Almost rubbing OP’s face in it and then giving pitying sighs.

Fair enough if they want to go on holiday without OP but the way they have gone about this is terrible.

they didnt have to ask you on holiday.

Presumably they each have their friendship with you, and with each other, which is fine.

Not U for friend 1 to invite friend 2 along to her holiday property and not you too. For any reason. Perhaps friend 1’s DC are older? Many people, including parents, dislike spending a lot of time with toddlers!

I think you were U to express annoyance/sadness about them not suggesting a joint holiday or you staying nearby.

As for meet ups, if suggested locations are too far, don’t go.

I think it’s ok for them to see each other alone and I don’t think it’s reasonable to demand uou are always included. That’s not how friendship should work. The sighs indicate you’re a little bit of hard work in this area.

The four hours thing is different though. But the holiday is fine.

they said it was because you had a toddler, toddlers are all consuming.

I have two deferent sets of friends where we are a group of 3. I’ve done holidays with each group. Sometimes all three, sometimes just one. They’ve been on holiday without me and I’ve been on holiday or spa weekend with just one. As each friendship group has been many years, these have been as while family and just ladies. None have fallen out.

Now our kids are older, our kid don’t hang out with each other, their ages/interests don’t align. we’re talking about future holidays together, individually and group, but now don’t include kids nor DH. Friendships have to evolve with different stages of our lives.

Another friend, we used to always get together with our kids (met friend through work, not via the DC). Our children use to always be invited to each other’s birthday parties but through the years, this stopped as the DC were very different and eventually it changed to our getting together without kids. Our DH are very different (boring for each man) so we don’t get together as couples either, just us.

If you have a toddler and they have older children, this could be part of the reason. It may not mean they like you less nor that they don’t value you but that the dynamic for a holiday altogether with kids has changed.