Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want any grandchildren?

307 replies

Manzanilla55 · 10/06/2021 15:08

Just that really. I had ds my only child at age 41 and am now 57. By the time he moves out I imagine I will be 62. I just want peace and quiet after that. He doesn't want children either as he has plenty of family on his dad's side in London. Of all ages. I happened to mention in passing I did not want any to a couple of people and boy were they shocked. There are plenty of things to enjoy in life without grandchildren. Am I really unusual and am I missing something here? I just prefer a nice simple life hobbies interests plenty of me time and a modest social life. I don't even crave a bloke. Am I really strange as I just don't feel that I am.

OP posts:
Bex000 · 11/06/2021 07:12

Please don’t tell him you don’t want grandchildren it will scar him for life as it did my partner who really struggled to move past this with his parents once we conceived. It is his choice and you can be as involved/ not involved as you want. TBF in all likelihood he may not have kids for the next 20 years at which point you may/may not still be here! Old mum problems!

Jumpingjellycat · 11/06/2021 07:23

I don’t want any particularly but it is up to my dc. I haven’t enjoyed my own dc and wouldn’t want to have to look after a grandchild several days a week. I would do it occasionally or in an emergency of course.
Some grandparents I know are all over their grandchildren - demanding to have them. My view is ive had my dc and if they choose to have dc of their own then it’s their turn.
I haven’t relied on any family with my dc either. I don’t think it’s very fair.

mustlovegin · 11/06/2021 08:41

What the OP is doing is actively making the choice for her children that she doesn’t want them to have children

Please give the OP a break. How can she do this? She's not going to be there in the bedroom, is she?

She's just expressing her feelings candidly. Let her be

EishetChayil · 11/06/2021 08:51

TBF, you might even not be around if and when he decides to have children. I'm an older mum and I've resigned myself to that little fact!

RBKB · 11/06/2021 08:57

I have two young daughters. I love them to bits and will feel the same, I am sure, if they have kids...one definitely doesn't, one thinks she will, I have just stressed CHOICE to both of them.

But....I think the world is going to be a challenging place in 50 years..global warming, affecting more and more communities, I think covid, it's suggested, was made more likely because we encroach more and more into animal habitats and almost all serious illnesses originate in animals.. I totally get why NOT having kids is a more and more understandable choice.

That said, it's all, for me, about celebrating their choices.

Doris86 · 11/06/2021 09:02

@mustlovegin

What the OP is doing is actively making the choice for her children that she doesn’t want them to have children

Please give the OP a break. How can she do this? She's not going to be there in the bedroom, is she?

She's just expressing her feelings candidly. Let her be

That’s the point. She can’t do it, but it seems to think she has a choice in the matter.
DeathByWalkies · 11/06/2021 09:03

The only way to ensure you don't have grandchildren is not to have children. Bit late for that now...

mogsrus · 11/06/2021 09:06

We are not GPs thanks to our daughter absolutely not wanting children,do we care ,nope.

MrsBongiovi · 11/06/2021 09:12

It’s a very narcissistic thing to say.

I’d think OP is starting to feel a little irrelevant and so thinks this up. ‘It’s still all about me, me, me.’
Except it’s not, no matter what statements like this she makes.

fashionablefennel · 11/06/2021 09:17

@DeathByWalkies

The only way to ensure you don't have grandchildren is not to have children. Bit late for that now...
can't summarise it better than that.
LucilleTheVampireBat · 11/06/2021 09:17

How many more people want to say "it's not your choice". Hasn't that been covered in the 9 page thread yet?

It's interesting that people think it's acceptable to call you "selfish" for not wanting to be a grandparent. I wonder if men are called selfish if they say this? It's also apparently "sad". Very bizarre.

MrsBongiovi · 11/06/2021 09:25

How many more people want to say "it's not your choice". Hasn't that been covered in the 9 page thread yet?

Thread police alert 🚨

LucilleTheVampireBat · 11/06/2021 09:26

Nope, not remotely "thread police". It has the potential for an interesting discussion but people can't be bothered to read the thread and it becomes like cancel the cheque all over again.

I'll leave you to it.

SingingInTheShithouse · 11/06/2021 09:27

YABU, it's his life, not yours & it's unfair to tell him at any age you don't want grandkids

That said, my MIL did exactly this & DH even at 40 was very nervous of telling her we were having a DD

When DD arrived, I've never met a more proud & excited Grandmother, so chances are you won't mean it when it happens anyway. I've seen this with several reluctant friends too.

Though I totally get that you can get burnt out with raising kids & think never again. Trust me I'm there atm with sharing space a stroppy assed abusive teen, I don't believe it's fair to project that onto our kids though. It's their lives

esterwin · 11/06/2021 09:27

@Doris86 Thinking about it more, I dont want grandchildren. Not my choice obviously and I would never say this to anyone. But I really do not want to have to fake enthusiasm for babies ans small grandchildren. I will if I have to.

fantasmasgoria1 · 11/06/2021 09:31

I don't want any either. My two are in the 20s and they say they don't want children but time will tell. I'm still young in my 40s and I was a teen when I had my first. I have a serious mental illness, and a couple of physical things (that hopefully when things return to a more normal level my hospital appointments will happen again and I will receive the treatment I need to reduce my spine pain etc) that means I really don't want to have to deal with a baby, toddler or young child. I wince when I hear children screaming in the shops!

Doris86 · 11/06/2021 10:28

There is a large element of selfishness to people saying they don’t want grandchildren. They don’t want screaming children to potentially look after. Yet they don’t seem to care that their children won’t have the joy of having their own children, and someone to look after them in their old age.

esterwin · 11/06/2021 11:06

@Doris86 I do not think it is the role of adult children to look after their parents in their old age.

theleafandnotthetree · 11/06/2021 11:10

And @Doris86, maybe they didn't experience the joy of having their own children! Or maybe they did but also saw the work and sacrifice involved

Doris86 · 11/06/2021 11:11

[quote esterwin]@Doris86 I do not think it is the role of adult children to look after their parents in their old age.[/quote]
Well at least provide company for rather than being old and lonely.

Doris86 · 11/06/2021 11:59

[quote esterwin]@Doris86 I do not think it is the role of adult children to look after their parents in their old age.[/quote]
I do not think it is the role of parents to decide if their children should have children or not.

phoenixrosehere · 11/06/2021 12:13

*esterwin
@Doris86 I do not think it is the role of adult children to look after their parents in their old age.

Well at least provide company for rather than being old and lonely.*

You could take into consideration that there are many people in general who enjoy their own company and aren’t lonely. There are also people who are surrounded by people and feel lonely. Being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely.

esterwin · 11/06/2021 12:18

@Doris86 of course it is up to them whether they have children or not. But there are expectations on grandparents as well.
My own mother is a wonderful grandmother and I can see in how she relates to strangers babies and toddlers that she genuinely loves small children. I really am meh about them now. But to be a decent mother I would fake it and be an active grandmother.
Why am I not allowed to say that I would rather not have to do that?
Plenty of childless people are very happy. I am now wishing unhappiness on my adult children. Just hoping they decide not to have children.
It wouldn't matter if grandparents were like they used to be. When I was a child some grandparents were involved, but most would just smile at you and ask how you were getting on at school. Grandparents unless they loved children did not do weekly childcare or play with grandchildren. My own grandmother acted far more as a support to my mother by buying children's clothes and watching us as we wanted TV and my mother popped out somewhere. I don't ever remember her playing with us.

Doris86 · 11/06/2021 12:23

[quote esterwin]@Doris86 of course it is up to them whether they have children or not. But there are expectations on grandparents as well.
My own mother is a wonderful grandmother and I can see in how she relates to strangers babies and toddlers that she genuinely loves small children. I really am meh about them now. But to be a decent mother I would fake it and be an active grandmother.
Why am I not allowed to say that I would rather not have to do that?
Plenty of childless people are very happy. I am now wishing unhappiness on my adult children. Just hoping they decide not to have children.
It wouldn't matter if grandparents were like they used to be. When I was a child some grandparents were involved, but most would just smile at you and ask how you were getting on at school. Grandparents unless they loved children did not do weekly childcare or play with grandchildren. My own grandmother acted far more as a support to my mother by buying children's clothes and watching us as we wanted TV and my mother popped out somewhere. I don't ever remember her playing with us.[/quote]
You are perfectly entitled to say you don’t want to be involved in the care of any grand children. No one is arguing otherwise.

The issue is the OP is saying she doesn’t want her son to have children at all.

esterwin · 11/06/2021 12:57

@Doris86 But in reality I could not. I try and be a good mother. I would be being a bad mother if I showed zero interest in my grandchildren and zero excitement about any pregnancy and birth.
I have a great relationship with my adult children. I would not if I showed no interest in any grandchildren.
So you can talk about choice, but grandparents and especially grandmothers, if they want to be good mothers, do not really have any choice. ,y DP can probably get away with kicking a ball about every so often with any grandchildren. Grandmothers get condemned if they are not excited and actively involved.