To not want any grandchildren?

[Manzanilla55]

Just that really. I had ds my only child at age 41 and am now 57. By the time he moves out I imagine I will be 62. I just want peace and quiet after that. He doesn't want children either as he has plenty of family on his dad's side in London. Of all ages. I happened to mention in passing I did not want any to a couple of people and boy were they shocked. There are plenty of things to enjoy in life without grandchildren. Am I really unusual and am I missing something here? I just prefer a nice simple life hobbies interests plenty of me time and a modest social life. I don't even crave a bloke. Am I really strange as I just don't feel that I am.

But you're confusing 'wanting to see their grandchildren' with 'essentially providing a service which curtails their own life for them -- not the same thing at all.

yes, it's MN, where no one ever help each other out. It's a sad and selfish world on here.

I'm not bothered and may well not have any (autistic ds). I feel like i really made the most of every stage of my childs life and don't need to go through it all again with grandchildren.

My DDs are currently 26, 22 and 19. None are showing any signs of having or wanting children of their own at the moment. It will be their decision, not mine. I will go with the flow and not put pressure on them either way.

If grandchildren come along I will love them and want to get to know them. I will happily help out at times if required. I will be supportive, but without wanting to provide day to day childcare.

One thing I don't want to do is be like my own parents, who were barely interested in their grandchildren, of whom they had 6, all similar in age.

When my sister and I were growing up my mother emphatically said to us that we should never ask her to look after our children. The only exception to that was if one of us was in hospital, usually having another baby. Otherwise, it was followed through on. They refused to help out so that I could accompany DH to his Dad's funeral. They never built any relationship at all with any of their grandchildren. It meant that my sister and I both knew that we could never count on our own parents, whatever the circumstances.

I think my mother might be slightly regretting the sort of isolation in their own bubble that they practised now as my Dad died earlier this year and she is now on her own (we are obviously regularly doing what we can for her, but do have our own families too).

So I sort of understand what you are saying, but I see it from the other side too. It is nice to have family. It is also nice to have time to yourself.

Sometimes though, when I look at people who took the having time to themselves aspect as far as my own parents did I think you also have to be a little careful what you wish for. I am seeing the logical conclusion now with how lonely my mother now is, even with regular visits from us. It is terribly sad.

@fashionablefennel

But you're confusing 'wanting to see their grandchildren' with 'essentially providing a service which curtails their own life for them -- not the same thing at all.

yes, it's MN, where no one ever help each other out. It's a sad and selfish world on here.

And you think 'helping one another out' involves grandparents either quitting their jobs or relinquishing their retirement in order to provide FT childcare for their grandchildren? Does this apply to all grandchildren, or does whichever adult child reproduces first get first dibs on available grandparents -- if so, what happens to subsequent grandchildren? Do the grandparents just have to take them on too? Or do the parents of these children need to prove they are least able to afford paid childcare?

My parents 'help us out' in that if we needed them to, they could get DS from school, or they could come up and babysit while DH and I went out. They're great, and they adore DS. It wouldn't occur to me to think that 'helping us out' might involve essentially being his (paid or unpaid) childminders.

I think some are equating being a grandparent with providing childcare. This does seem common so it's not an unfair assumption.

I had my last child at 45, I have no intention of providing childcare on a regular or organised basis, but can't wait for the fun stuff, if any grandchildren come along. And helping out if needed of course.

I think it's very unusual to actively not want grandchildren if you've chosen to have children. Being a grandparent is all the fun and none of the bad bits. What's not to like?

As far as childcare goes I think it depends on the culture you are surrounded by, I have no friends or colleagues who receive regular childcare from the grandparents, many would like the GPs to be more interested but in a 'babysit a few times a year and join us on some days out' kind of way. Can't imagine anything worse than the grandparents doing regular childcare!

I think OP knows it isn’t up to her, no need to keep reminding her

I don’t think it’s weird. I’ve also known since I was a teenager (and younger) that I didn’t want kids so there’s every chance her son won’t change his mind. I’m now 32 and still don’t want any. I’ve told my mum I don’t want kids ever since I was a kid myself. As an adult, she said to me that she thinks it’s the best choice for me, that I’d probably hate motherhood and it would adversely affect my mental health. She said she doesn’t want grandkids. Some people might be offended by that but I wholeheartedly agree with her. Perhaps she does regret having me - i wouldn’t hold it against her, because I imagine I’d regret having a kid if I did. I know she loves me and she’s always been incredibly supportive of me in every way. I love that we can be so honest with each other, women shouldn’t feel pressure to have children or grandchildren just because society expects it.

I'm around your age I think OP and my DS is 20. He has always said that he wants children and would like them earlier rather than later . Obviously there are no guarantees with relationships or whether DC come along (hence why I was 37 before having DC myself ). I think that both DH and myself would welcome grand children while we are still young and healthy enough to be active with them . I appreciate we are in a different situation to you though OP and are already at a stage where we are able to take things a bit easier .

I wonder if you are just feeling overwhelmed at the moment with a teenager and no family support,
Especially if you are working as well .

more and more people are being childfree

Not what the statistics show, but ok….

Frogcorset

And you think 'helping one another out' involves grandparents either quitting their jobs or relinquishing their retirement in order to provide FT childcare for their grandchildren?

How do you jump from "not wanting grand-children" or "not wanting to be involved with them" to quitting your job to give FT childcare?

You wanted your kids, so yes, it IS weird not to want grand-children.
No one is talking about become their prime carer and give up your life to care for them. No one is even expecting PARENTS to do that, no need to be so ridiculous.

As said above, multiple times, being grand-parents is having all the benefits and none of the negatives of your own children

Not wanting your own children makes more sense than not wanting grand-children, that's the point.

I think it's very strange to not want grandchildren.

I think it is strange that people are expected to want grandchild when it has nothing to do with them.

I knew from a young age that I wanted children. However, I also knew that I wanted several things before that happened, a house, a husband, and a steady job and said so. Yet, when I graduated college, I was asked months later when I was going to settle down and have children by my father. I had just moved into a new flat and was single. His reason, because all his friends had grandchildren. I was 21.

I move back to help my parents with my maternal grandparents and my younger sister told me I should have a baby. Cue a whole conversation between her and my parents on how they would help me take care of it and raise it and redo one of their bedrooms for a nursery. I was at least in a relationship at the time but he wasn’t even mentioned. Their reasoning then, again their friends had grandchildren as well as some of my cousins who were younger than me and they had me at the same age, 23.

I can only say that it gave me insight on how I wouldn’t want the same pressure on my children. Had my first at 28 and second at 30. The older I get the more I’m cemented in the fact that I don’t care either way as long as it is what my children want for themselves, not for me or because society deems it as “normal”.

I've actively told my kids that I'm not bothered about having grandkids @Manzanilla55 and more than that, with the older ones (adults) that I'd advise against it. The world doesn't need more people.
I love my kids, but in reality I should've stopped at one or not had any.

I wish you were my mum.

It’s not strange to not want grandchildren at all! I wanted children, I was lucky enough to have 2. My life is about me, DH and DDs.(20&17) Both say they don’t want children and I’m happy for them.

I would love grandchildren, but just want to have the choice of what involvement I have. Ie, I don’t want to be a full time carer for them whilst DD/DS work. But odd nights and days here and there would be fine.

I’ve got 4 kids. The eldest two are adults. One won’t have kids the other doesn’t want any. I’m happy with that. The younger two bath say they don’t want children but we’ll see. Lots of my friends have grandchildren but I definitely don’t !

It isn’t your choice to make, so why give this any headspace? Your DS is only 16, so it hopefully won’t be happening anytime soon even if he does become a father eventually.

It isn’t something I’ve thought about, but then my two DDs are only 12 and 9!

@Benjispruce3

It’s not strange to not want grandchildren at all! I wanted children, I was lucky enough to have 2. My life is about me, DH and DDs.(20&17) Both say they don’t want children and I’m happy for them.

It’s not strange to be indifferent, as you seem to be, being happy with whatever your children decide.

It is however very strange to be actively against having grandchildren, as the OP is.

@phoenixrosehere There's a difference between being indifferent to grandchildren and actively wanting not to have any. The latter is weird.

I don’t want grandchildren. The judgment from others about not wanting to be an involved grandparent will be harsh though. I’m bracing myself for being labelled heartless and mean.

I can’t begin to imagine not wanting grandchildren. I get quite envious of friends who have new babies to coo over and indulge.

I can see some might not want to commit to regular child care or might not want limitations on new found freedoms. I can see that some people might not want to tread the difficult path of truculent and demanding daughter’s or daughter in laws. I can’t imagine not wanting grandchildren though.

Wow 😳 our son is 19 and hopefully he won’t be a parent any time soon but I’d love a grandchild when he’s ready! Now full time babysitter? That’s an entirely different kettle of fish and is not something I’d ever want either (I’m also 57, had ds (also an only) at 38). I’ve already told him this!

Be prepared to lose a dc over your decision.. My mil refused to acknowledge our ds. Dh went nc.
Been over 6 years since any contact at all.