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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want visitors in hospital after giving birth

116 replies

pearlsandpetals · 10/06/2021 11:38

Hi all, just wanted your thoughts on this because there are some family members who I think believe this is quite selfish of me. Basically I'm due to have a baby later this year and have been thinking a lot lately about what I want in terms of the birth and afterwards. I've decided that I don't feel uncomfortable having visitors in the hospital shortly after giving birth as I will likely be feeling exhausted and will want time with my partner to bond with our new baby. I also don't want anyone apart from my partner and my parents to know when I am going into labour. I would feel so much more at ease knowing that we can welcome visitors when and where we are ready to. What do you all think?

OP posts:
sunflowerdaisies · 10/06/2021 11:42

I played it by ear both times. Felt like seeing my parents the first time but went home after a few hours so no one visited. Second time I didn't feel at all like it after a PPH but had to stay in a few days so just my sister came in when my husband went home to see our eldest.

Same for visitors in the days and weeks afterwards. Our friends and family are all normal and waited to be asked so we just decided day by day. I enjoyed visitors but just for short periods.

Mumdiva99 · 10/06/2021 11:43

I think due to covid you should be ok and visitors won't be allowed.

Just don't tell anyone until you get home - if you have a straightforward birth you will be home soon anyway.

(We restricted visitors for the week following the birth of my 3rd child - and I wish I had done that for my first 2 as well......)

Twizbe · 10/06/2021 11:43

I was never in hospital long enough to have visitors, so this might be a moot point.

Either way, it's your birth, you can decide who knows when and who can visit when. Everyone else just has to put up and shut up

BarbarianMum · 10/06/2021 11:45

I think, if you are in the UK, you'll find visitors on hospitals are strongly discouraged or outright banned. You could certainly tell them they are not allowed.

Aa for telling people you are in labour, I wouldnt tell even your parents if you can avoid it. We deeply traumatised both my mum and mil when dh told them the birth was imminent and then weren't able to update them for another 24 hours.

TrashKitten10 · 10/06/2021 11:46

Certainly tell people that you expect not to have visitors in hospital but I wouldn't completely rule it out as you never know how you're going to feel at the time. You might just want time on your own or equally you might be bursting to show your baby off or if you're in hospital for a few days you might appreciate a family member holding baby whilst you sleep and your DH goes home for a rest.

Also hospital visits might get it 'over and done with' in a controlled way. You can be strict with the ward visiting times and have family come in for a quick cuddle instead of arriving as soon as you get home and staying for hours on end.

TheGumption · 10/06/2021 11:46

If you're in the UK you won't be able to anyway so I wouldn't give it any more thought.

DancesWithTortoises · 10/06/2021 11:48

It's easier to get rid of them in hospital, OP. At home they linger.

Just both sets of grandparents, though.

FilthyforFirth · 10/06/2021 11:48

With covid I highly doubt this is something you have to worry about. I was barely allowed my husband in November. I cant imagine hospitals will be letting in visitors anytime soon.

greyinganddecaying · 10/06/2021 11:49

I did exactly as you intend to - it was the right choice for me. YANBU

Bananarice · 10/06/2021 11:49

Play it by the ear. If you feel like visitors or want someone other than your dh to pop in ask them. Everyone else, tell them you are very excited to see the baby and don't want to talk about after the birth yet. Let's take everything one step at a time.

Then if you don't want to talk to anyone during birth don't tell anyone. If you feel like talking to your mom or neighbour or any other human, call them at the time.

bigbluecup · 10/06/2021 11:50

I didn't want visitors when I had my son, I knew that much. When the time came I felt ok and would have been up for it I think, but as it turned out I was only there until he was 3 hours old before I went home, and I spent 2 of those 3 hours naked from the waist down on a bloody sheet - definitely not up for visitors! By the time I'd showered I was out the door and in the car. This time I know I'll be in hospital at least one night so I'm just going to see how things go and whether or not I feel up for visitors.

Play it by ear and see how you actually feel. Only tell those you have to that you're in labour or hospital and nobody else will be any the wiser.

Crowtooyo · 10/06/2021 11:51

Are you in the UK? I can't see visitors being allowed this year at all.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/06/2021 11:53

Highly unlikely that to be allowed any visitors at the hospital. So probably a non issue

SmidgenofaPigeon · 10/06/2021 11:53

Why do only your parents get to hear when you’re in labour? Why not your partners’ parents? Have I misunderstood that?

YANBU about visitors but YABU if you plan to exclude his parents but keep yours in the loop.

ChangePart1 · 10/06/2021 11:53

Of course YANBU. We didn’t make any arrangements for meeting the baby until the baby had arrived. You have no way of knowing how you’ll be feeling, how the birth will go, whether baby is fine or not. We ended up waiting two weeks to introduce people as it was such a shell shock, we couldn’t face seeing people until then, everyone respected it as they’re not dicks.

Sparklingbrook · 10/06/2021 11:54

I did exactly that with DC1. I said I wanted no visitors apart from my and DH's parents at the hospital. Best decision ever.
DH's parents lived 4 hours away and had a business so they couldn't visit until we were home in the end anyway.
The only people that knew I had gone into hospital were my parents, (I got sent in due to problems the day before DC was born and wasn't actually expecting to stay overnight then give birth).

Second time around there was no time for visitors. Went in at 3am and was out the next morning.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/06/2021 11:54

also , if everything is straightforward, then you won't be in hospital very long at all. Eg baby born at 5.30pm left three hours later. Hospitals are so busy that as soon as physically possible you will be sent home.

Curiosity101 · 10/06/2021 11:54

I was in hospital for 9 days after having my little boy and had my parents and DHs parents visit. If I were to have that time again I wouldn't have any visitors. I also wouldn't have any visitors for the first week I was home.

This time around if all goes to plan I'm almost certainly going to have no visitors for the first two weeks (at hospital or at home) unless DH needs support from his family. Obviously if he needs support then I'll have to accept them visiting. But he'll have to facilitate it whilst I rest. I don't want to share that post birth bubble with anyone except our toddler and DH.

movintothecountry · 10/06/2021 11:55

Don't have an argument about it now. If your partner is in agreement, just don't tell anyone when you go into labour and once baby is born you can decide what you want to do then.

Nothing wrong with how you feel, but no point having drama about it now, just do what you want nearer the time. Once baby is here if they kick up a stink about not having been invited to the hospital or whatever then you will know that they are dicks.

If they love you they will just roll with it and accept your decision at the time. Good luck op!

Dishwashersaurous · 10/06/2021 11:56

And genuine question, why does anyone including your parents need to know that you are going into hospital?

shouldistop · 10/06/2021 11:57

Unless you have an older child that needs looked after then no one needs to know when you're in labour.
You probably won't be allowed visitors anyway.

Original poster
pearlsandpetals · 10/06/2021 11:58

@SmidgenofaPigeon no you read that correctly. The reason for this is that MIL will tell everyone. We told her not to share our pregnancy news when we were only six weeks pregnant and regretted it instantly as she completely ignored our wishes and told everyone. I told myself that she will not be knowing when we go into labour for this reason. I want my parents to know because ultimately they are the ones who have supported me.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 10/06/2021 11:59

We had to tell my parents I had gone in with DC1 as they were due to come round to see us, and we needed them to feed the cat.
When I was having DC2 they looked after DC1.

Blossomtoes · 10/06/2021 12:00

Just don’t tell anyone you’re in labour and only tell grandparents after the baby’s born. Nobody else needs to know until you’re home. Not that I imagine visiting is allowed right now in any case.

Sparklingbrook · 10/06/2021 12:01

[quote pearlsandpetals]@SmidgenofaPigeon no you read that correctly. The reason for this is that MIL will tell everyone. We told her not to share our pregnancy news when we were only six weeks pregnant and regretted it instantly as she completely ignored our wishes and told everyone. I told myself that she will not be knowing when we go into labour for this reason. I want my parents to know because ultimately they are the ones who have supported me.[/quote]
We had that too. We told MIL/FIL I was pregnant a bit earlier than I wanted really but swore them to secrecy.
After the baby was born MIL said of course she had told people straight away and seemed surprised we were Hmm.

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