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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want visitors in hospital after giving birth

116 replies

pearlsandpetals · 10/06/2021 11:38

Hi all, just wanted your thoughts on this because there are some family members who I think believe this is quite selfish of me. Basically I'm due to have a baby later this year and have been thinking a lot lately about what I want in terms of the birth and afterwards. I've decided that I don't feel uncomfortable having visitors in the hospital shortly after giving birth as I will likely be feeling exhausted and will want time with my partner to bond with our new baby. I also don't want anyone apart from my partner and my parents to know when I am going into labour. I would feel so much more at ease knowing that we can welcome visitors when and where we are ready to. What do you all think?

OP posts:
Pinkblueberry · 10/06/2021 13:08

YANBU but I think you can overthink these things. I was only in labour for 4 hours and it didn’t occur to DH to tell anyone I was in labour there wasn’t really the opportunity. And then I was only in hospital for about 3 hours after so no one visited there. I wouldn’t make such a big deal out of it. Tell people when you’re ready and have visitors when you’re ready - you don’t need to explain yourself of justify your decision.

RampantIvy · 10/06/2021 13:11

@SmidgenofaPigeon

Why do only your parents get to hear when you’re in labour? Why not your partners’ parents? Have I misunderstood that?

YANBU about visitors but YABU if you plan to exclude his parents but keep yours in the loop.

Why does anyone need to know you are in labour? Don't tell anyone, and put your phone on silent or switch it off.
motogogo · 10/06/2021 13:12

Play it by ear, I really wanted visitors with dd2 had a private room and exh had gone home to collect Dd1. The adrenaline meant I wasn't at all sleepy despite missing sleep. I don't think it's helpful to second guess things now, you might not even be allowed visitors!

Frogcorset · 10/06/2021 13:13

Do whatever suits you best. I didn’t see anyone other than DH and the HV for three weeks, because I had a non-progressive labour and ended up with a CS, and really didn’t feel like it.

Zebraaa · 10/06/2021 14:06

As hospital staff, I think it’s so inappropriate how people descend on a woman at her most vulnerable. Visiting should be banned all together. Can people really not wait till someone is home?
Do 20 members of the family really need to go to a tiny bed space and pass around a newborn baby whilst the mother is bleeding, in pain and knackered? It hinders staff being able to do observations and help with breastfeeding too.
I did chuckle when a visitor was told “no visitors allowed on labour ward”. She looked at me in disgust and said “I’m not a visitor, I’m the grandmother!” Yeah. Still not allowed.

Jacky209990 · 10/06/2021 14:10

I gave birth 7 weeks ago only allowed my dp during the birth, then 5 days with no visitors. My dp wasnt allowed to see our newborn for the whole 5 days, let alone anyone else.

Sparklingbrook · 10/06/2021 14:13

@Zebraaa

As hospital staff, I think it’s so inappropriate how people descend on a woman at her most vulnerable. Visiting should be banned all together. Can people really not wait till someone is home? Do 20 members of the family really need to go to a tiny bed space and pass around a newborn baby whilst the mother is bleeding, in pain and knackered? It hinders staff being able to do observations and help with breastfeeding too. I did chuckle when a visitor was told “no visitors allowed on labour ward”. She looked at me in disgust and said “I’m not a visitor, I’m the grandmother!” Yeah. Still not allowed.
Totally agree. And they can keep their helium balloons too!
Ginger1982 · 10/06/2021 14:15

I think it depends. I was induced on a Monday, nothing happened until the Wednesday night then I was kept in until Saturday after an EMCS. I struggled with feeding and eventually went to a bottle. I felt rubbish, but having been in so long it was nice to see some faces (my mum and in laws). I think I would have gone stir crazy otherwise. See how you feel when the time comes.

redheadonascooter · 10/06/2021 14:19

@Zebraaa

As hospital staff, I think it’s so inappropriate how people descend on a woman at her most vulnerable. Visiting should be banned all together. Can people really not wait till someone is home? Do 20 members of the family really need to go to a tiny bed space and pass around a newborn baby whilst the mother is bleeding, in pain and knackered? It hinders staff being able to do observations and help with breastfeeding too. I did chuckle when a visitor was told “no visitors allowed on labour ward”. She looked at me in disgust and said “I’m not a visitor, I’m the grandmother!” Yeah. Still not allowed.
Completely agree actually. I was in hospital for five day after my first was born. They don't keep you there for the fun of it. I was unwell, and recovering and trying to establish BF. Bleeding everywhere, sore, on opiates for three days of that so not really with it, not as clean and presentable as I like to be before seeing anyone. I was really lucky in that I had a private room (due to being unwell) but the bays on the wards were so busy (precovid). Other people's visitors also really impact the new mums especially when you're asked not to draw your curtains (I was on the ward for half a day whilst they got a room ready for me) so that you can be observed easily by the midwives. Ok, so I'll just sit here feeling at my most vulnerable, whilst I get my boobs out, answer personal medical questions, cry, sleep, in full view of strangers? No.

It's so undignified.

Lavinia321 · 10/06/2021 14:25

I think you treat everything on a ‘needs only’ basis, but concerning your needs only. If you need / want your parents to know you’re in labour because you want their support that’s fine. You don’t have to tell the paternal grandparents to make it ‘fair’. Presumably if they were in hospital unwell or having an operation they might want their own children to visit but not their children’s partners, it’s the same thing. It’s completely reasonable.

cadburyegg · 10/06/2021 14:27

YANBU. I didn’t have visitors in hospital either time.

With DS1 I felt like a truck had hit me and not up for visitors, stayed for 2 nights. With DS2 I stayed one night and felt ok so would have had visitors but by the time I felt up to it we were waiting to be discharged so not much point. Plus I knew DS1 would want to come but possibly be upset at having to leave me in there and go home again with grandparents. I put off visitors even more with DS2 because I hadn’t seen DS1 for 4 nights so wanted the 4 of us to have a day together.

First time no one knew I’d gone into labour either. I went into hospital at 5pm, DS1 born 1.30am, parents were called at 6am. They only knew with DS2 because I was induced so given a set date and they looked after DS1

Thefaceofboe · 10/06/2021 15:32

@Jacky209990 why wasn’t your dp allowed to visit? I thought they could now. That’s really sad Sad

PurpleMustang · 10/06/2021 16:04

Play it by ear and chose as you want but don't exclude his parents. That is unfair unless he is no contact with them.

PurpleMustang · 10/06/2021 16:13

Have just read why you don't want MIL there. Are you gonna be brave enough to tell her why beforehand or wait for the fall out afterwards?

burritofan · 10/06/2021 16:21

Why do only your parents get to hear when you’re in labour? Why not your partners’ parents? Have I misunderstood that?
Her vagina, her choice. I told my dad I was in labour (well, DP did). No way in the world were we telling my PILs who’d been texting daily since I was about 35 weeks.

Labour and birth don’t have to be scrupulously fair to all parties, information divided neatly 50/50 – the woman doing the labouring and the giving birth can do whatever the fuck she wants.

HotPotatoHotPotato21 · 10/06/2021 16:54

I didn't have any visitors and was in three nights after birth. I had told my family in advance that we wouldn't be having and they were absolutely fine with it but desperate to come once we were home. I wanted time to recover and establish feeding with no pressure.
I'm usually one for equality between your parents and your partner's parents, but actually I would totally understand someone only having their side of the family visit in hospital not that I would personally choose to do that. After giving birth I was extremely emotional and I can imagine some people need the support. Also I was topless most the time, struggling to feed, had a catheter and leaked blood on numerous occasions so felt very vulnerable. I wouldn't mind my mum or sister seeing me like that but certainly wouldn't want my husband's family seeing me that way, the same as I wouldn't want my own dad in.
I'm due another baby later this year and would potentially have visitors if allowed and if kept in for a long period again purely so my son can be brought into visit us.

MargeWhereDidMyFingersLand · 10/06/2021 17:41

YANBU. I don't understand pushy relatives ignoring boundaries and the emotional needs of somebody who just had a painful and sometimes traumatic experience. Babies are not toys and mothers are not soulless incubators.

I'd like to think if I am a MIL one day basic empathy would override the need to gnash my teeth over unfairness that DIL just wanted her own Mum after a major medical event. Even if the pain of birth wouldn't be so fresh in my mind!

ChangePart1 · 10/06/2021 18:37

@burritofan

Why do only your parents get to hear when you’re in labour? Why not your partners’ parents? Have I misunderstood that? Her vagina, her choice. I told my dad I was in labour (well, DP did). No way in the world were we telling my PILs who’d been texting daily since I was about 35 weeks.

Labour and birth don’t have to be scrupulously fair to all parties, information divided neatly 50/50 – the woman doing the labouring and the giving birth can do whatever the fuck she wants.

This a thousand times!

People love to stick the boot into women who don’t treat PILs the exact same as they do their own parents when it comes to stuff like this and it’s frankly gross. I didn’t have a living mother when I gave birth but if I had have done I’d have felt far more comfortable with her seeing me in that state, topless and bleeding and in agony, than I would my MIL, as lovely as she is. And that’s okay. This isn’t a situation where you’re beholden to equal opportunity laws FFS. Why should a woman’s needs and wishes be pushed to a side to appease others when she’s the one that has just been through labour and birth?

That’s the equivalent of saying a woman would be wrong to want her sister there but not her sister in law, even if she had a close supportive relationship with her own sister and her SIL was a dick. You’re at your most vulnerable and exhausted after giving birth and while grappling with a newborn, it’s okay to give women a pass from feeling like they have to make themselves uncomfortable in the name of fairness to the in laws.

UmamiMammy · 10/06/2021 18:45

It's totally up to you to decide what you want.
I had two very difficult pregnancies and was so elated after each bith that I was very happy for my parents, inlaws and auntie to visit us in hospital.......I didn't care what I looked like!
I even had a close nurse friend pop in for a chat while I was on a drip being induced and making good use of the gas and air.............ds was born rather suddenly 20 mins after she left!

MrsJuliaGulia · 10/06/2021 18:54

I didn’t let anyone in. My family is overseas and I didn’t want the in-laws to visit. I found the time in the hospital an intensely personal time, bonding with the baby. Loved that it was just the baby and me (and occasionally, the husband)

Crazycatlady83 · 10/06/2021 19:15

Interestedly the hospital I am giving birth at have conducted research throughout the pandemic and saw breastfeeding rates increase by 86% which they believe was due to the exclusion of visitors. They are considering extending the ban on visitors permanently because it has been so beneficial. So even if general hospital rules are relaxed, postnatal wards may have competing factors to keep the "no visitors rule" as they are because they have benefits previously unknown.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/06/2021 19:17

Totally up to you!

I didn’t mind people visiting me. Hated it if people sat on the bed though Grin

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/06/2021 19:18

I’m not surprised bf rates went up and i also think visiting should be kept to certain times, including for partners.

ChangePart1 · 10/06/2021 19:20

@Crazycatlady83

Interestedly the hospital I am giving birth at have conducted research throughout the pandemic and saw breastfeeding rates increase by 86% which they believe was due to the exclusion of visitors. They are considering extending the ban on visitors permanently because it has been so beneficial. So even if general hospital rules are relaxed, postnatal wards may have competing factors to keep the "no visitors rule" as they are because they have benefits previously unknown.
Really hope they do allow visitors if people want them though, it would be unfair for parents who didn’t want to breastfeed to be unable to have visitors if they wanted them just because a blanket no visitors rule was correlated with increased rates of bf. Some people are in days after giving birth and really value the support of visitors.
Crazycatlady83 · 10/06/2021 19:27

@ChangePart1

Maybe they can find a middle ground, like visiting in a day room separate from the ward? Although then the new mum would have to be mobile, so would be unfair on others who can't move around easily! And new mums wouldn't be able to say "sorry there is a no visitor rule in the hospital" so people will come regardless! No simple solution!

I have to say, I am in the camp of no visitors. When I had DS1 one mum in the 4 person ward had 13 visitors in one go, with children jumping on a spare bed in the ward and a gross man trying to stare round the corner of my curtain at me attempting breastfeeding! So glad it's a blanket rule as I'm due a CS at the end of the month and feel relieved I don't potentially have that to contend with again!