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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want visitors in hospital after giving birth

116 replies

pearlsandpetals · 10/06/2021 11:38

Hi all, just wanted your thoughts on this because there are some family members who I think believe this is quite selfish of me. Basically I'm due to have a baby later this year and have been thinking a lot lately about what I want in terms of the birth and afterwards. I've decided that I don't feel uncomfortable having visitors in the hospital shortly after giving birth as I will likely be feeling exhausted and will want time with my partner to bond with our new baby. I also don't want anyone apart from my partner and my parents to know when I am going into labour. I would feel so much more at ease knowing that we can welcome visitors when and where we are ready to. What do you all think?

OP posts:
itsmellslikepopcarn · 10/06/2021 12:03

I had grandparents up to see DD when she was born, 5 years ago so obviously not the issues hospitals have now.

But YANBU, I barely even wanted anyone in the house the first week after coming home but unsurprisingly (now ex) partner invited his entire family round the day we got home, even cousins he hadnt seen in years Hmm Do what feels right for you.

LaLaLouella · 10/06/2021 12:04

There is no need to tell anyone you are going into labour - apart from your partner it's not a spectator sport!

There is no need to make any arrangements about hospital visiting - I was out within 12 hours of my baby being born and so parents saw me at home the next day. Just play it by ear and make no promises...

AnUnoriginalUsername · 10/06/2021 12:05

Under no circumstances would I have had anyone visiting in the hospital, I was barely with it, my baby was screaming and I was pretty much naked the whole time, I'd bled so much on the bed, had a catheter in and midwives kept coming in to get me to breastfeed or take my catheter out then talking about my toileting. I'd had a c section and was in agony. We told everyone that we'd be needing a week to settle in. In the end my mum came after a few days, because I didn't mind trying to breastfeed in front of her and she helped by cleaning the kitchen and bathroom. Everyone else had to wait a week and I'm glad we did it that way because they were not helpful.
I also made it clear we would be too busy to give updates on my labour and put my phone on silent in the weeks I was due because getting "is my grandchild/niece/nephew here yet" messages made me want to go on a killing spree.

Some people feel great and welcome visitors, but it's better to prepare everyone for not visiting then let them come earlier if you feel up to it. Than to let them think they'll be able to see you straight away and have to keep telling them no when you're feeling shit.

Lalliebelle · 10/06/2021 12:08

You do not have to tell anyone you are in labour. Be aware though, people may get sneaky! Someone in my life said ' well of course you will let me know as soon as you are in labour' and I replied, 'actually we will just let everyone know once the baby has arrived'. They debated it a bit but I had said all I needed to say. In the lead up to the due date, this individual began to text me morning and night, I assume to see if I was replying/to try to figure out if I was in labour! I replied to all texts every other day just to keep them guessing. As it happens, I went into labour and the baby was born overnight so they wouldn't have been awake to receive notification anyway.

I thought I wanted no visitors in the hospital but I was so elated after the birth I was dead keen to see someone so my friend popped in a few hours after the birth!

In your position, you can just let them think whatever they want, then go ahead and do whatever you want. Reduce the frequency of texts in the weeks leading up to the birth and then, once the baby is born, decide when/how to let people know based on how you feel at the time.

godmum56 · 10/06/2021 12:10

can you rely on your parents to keep shtum?

SmidgenofaPigeon · 10/06/2021 12:11

I don’t live near my or DH’s family at all so no chance of anyone just descending on us, happily. But I remember my mum being gleeful that she’d ‘surprised’ my SIL with a big helium balloon post c-section. That would be awful.

Franklyfrost · 10/06/2021 12:13

Unless you are expecting to be in hospital for an extended time afterwards then don’t have visitors. Just don’t. You’ll be knackered, just make sure dp keeps you fed and entertained. There’ll be lots of time for visitors once you’re home. Baby will be tiny and cute for a few months so no one is missing out.

MaBroon21 · 10/06/2021 12:15

It's easier to get rid of them in hospital, OP. At home they linger

What do grandparents have to have done for them to be people who are gotten rid of.

Gem176 · 10/06/2021 12:16

When I had DD I think I ended up with every man mad his dog visiting in hospital. HATED it! Had a c section so I was in for a few days and it was relentless, I was knackered and so unbelievably slow with moving around etc. Quick tally and it was 20 different people in visiting over 3 days! Didn't have the guts to say no 😔 this time I'm so so glad about covid because visitors won't be allowed!!

Even if visitors are permitted, say no, stick to your guns and have a word with the midwives who are usually very good and for your benefit will police visitors. Wish I had asked for their help last time.

KnottedFern · 10/06/2021 12:16

I don't expect it would be an issue for at least the rest of this year due to restricted visitors and Covid. But you're not being unreasonable at all. Also you may not even stay in hospital. At my trust they are discharging ladies within 8 hours of birth if everything is ok anyway.

Checkingout811 · 10/06/2021 12:17

Personally I couldnt wait for my parents and in laws to meet our babies and “show them off” but if you don’t want them to then just don’t tell them.
I don’t know why your family even know your plans though to judge? Just keep it to your self and, if they for some reason ask, just say you don’t know yet?

Checkingout811 · 10/06/2021 12:18

@SmidgenofaPigeon why is that awful? I’ve had 3 c sections and loved the gifts my parents brought ?

Dsisproblem · 10/06/2021 12:20

I wouldn't tell anyone about labour if possible. It turned my mother into a crazy woman who wanted updates every 30 mins and sat in her car outside the hospital for hours and hours.

Tvscreen · 10/06/2021 12:21

YANBU. My ILs came to visit literally an hour after a very traumatic birth. It was the worst experience but I was too out of it to say no.

My DH’s grandparents also wanted to visit as I was in hospital for a few days but I put my foot down because I didn’t feel well. They tried to guilt trip me afterwards but I wasn’t having it.

Your birth, you are the patient. You don’t have to have anyone visiting you. This time round I’m secretly pleased covid won’t allow visitors and I won’t be having anyone until I feel ready.

Babynames2 · 10/06/2021 12:21

I’m due October and guessing that I won’t be allowed visitor, or just DH. I think depending on numbers by then they may open it up to the mothers other children (in our trust they were the last visitors to be banned due to COVID). So it’s probably a non-issue. But I totally get that you don’t want visitors at the hospital, I didn’t with my first but allowed my in-laws to visit and massively regretted it. I’d had forceps and had a catheter and just didn’t feel comfortable.

I’d go with saying you don’t think you’ll want visitors but you’ll see how you feel at the time. I also wouldn’t tell anyone you’re in labour, even your parents, as they will most likely be waiting for updates and a visit ASAP. Don’t tell them and then wait until you’ve had time to settle with the baby before you do.

It really pisses me off when people think a woman is selfish for not allowing visitors straight after birth, it’s just selfish to want to see the baby ASAP regardless of how the mother is feeling.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 10/06/2021 12:21

@Checkingout811 because if I’d literally just been wheeled back from a c-section and my mum who had been told to wait for a bit before visiting, was standing there with a helium balloon, I’d not be impressed. My SIL wasn’t my all accounts either.

Plus I really hate helium balloons and tacky gifts.

Sparklingbrook · 10/06/2021 12:22

I wanted everyone to meet the baby and 'show him off' but not while I was lying on a waterproof mat in a hospital bed on a ward, feeling like I had been hit by a bus, with DS attached to my boob while we both learned how to BF for the first time. One thing at a time for me.
I am glad I had the foresight to realise this might be the case prior to feeling like that TBH.

Checkingout811 · 10/06/2021 12:24

@SmidgenofaPigeon fair enough. Thankfully my mum doesn’t do tacky and waited until visiting hours.

DripdripdroplittleAprilshowers · 10/06/2021 12:25

YANBU. My inlaws turned up at the hospital about 2 hours after I gave birth. I'd not even had a shower, there was blood down my legs, on my feet and the floor from where i'd tried to stand and bled quite heavily. I felt awful and FIL even had the audacity to say I looked pale and tired!

I made it quite clear when pregnant with second baby that we would let people know when I was ready for visitors.

Your birth, your rules.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 10/06/2021 12:26

pre-Covid: yes

now: yes x yes

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 10/06/2021 12:27

yes, as in YADNBU!!

JewelGarden · 10/06/2021 12:27

It's your birth do what you want! Actually I thought I would have been the same but I loved everyone's excitement about me being in labour and having my family visit after the birth. I'm quite sad this time around because it looks like I'll have a section and be there for two days without any family around me. I wouldn't bother making any big declarations because they probably won't be allowed in anyway.

shouldistop · 10/06/2021 12:29

@DripdripdroplittleAprilshowers why did your husband allow that to happen? That's ridiculous.

JudgeJ · 10/06/2021 12:29

@SmidgenofaPigeon

Why do only your parents get to hear when you’re in labour? Why not your partners’ parents? Have I misunderstood that?

YANBU about visitors but YABU if you plan to exclude his parents but keep yours in the loop.

This is MN, the paternal grandparents are generally treated as second class citizens.
tminusthirtydays · 10/06/2021 12:31

I'm due to give birth in a week .... I'm in the uk
Why would anyone need to know you've gone into Labour? You only tell
People if you want them to know ...

My hospital only has one nominated person to visit during 1-3pm and they have to have a negative covid test each day. Not sure how the rules will have changed by the time you give birth.

But when I gave birth previously it was 1 visitor during visiting hours and they wouldn't allow anyone else in if I had someone there already. I have birth at 1am and was home at 5pm the next day so not much time for visitors; however I had said I didn't want anyone at the hospital.
Coming home however, I had all the family descend on my house; even family members I didn't speak too; wanting me to feed them, make cups of tea and play pass the parcel with the baby - never again - this time I'm coming home and locking the door and not answering it.