To not want visitors in hospital after giving birth

[pearlsandpetals]

Hi all, just wanted your thoughts on this because there are some family members who I think believe this is quite selfish of me. Basically I'm due to have a baby later this year and have been thinking a lot lately about what I want in terms of the birth and afterwards. I've decided that I don't feel uncomfortable having visitors in the hospital shortly after giving birth as I will likely be feeling exhausted and will want time with my partner to bond with our new baby. I also don't want anyone apart from my partner and my parents to know when I am going into labour. I would feel so much more at ease knowing that we can welcome visitors when and where we are ready to. What do you all think?

Totally up to you op! No one has a right to say anything in regards to what you want.
As others, visitors will most likely be wrote off this year so will do you a favour.
But I couldn’t imagine not telling parents I was in labour but I get everyone has different relationships.
I only had grandparents visit whilst I was in hospital and even though I felt like crap I loved it and enjoyed seeing their faces when they walked in. Each to their own, do what’s right for you

I had a planned induction at 39 weeks and didn’t tell anybody. Baby was born 48 hours later and then told grandparents. Stayed in overnight and had visitors when we got home. Only close family and my best friend has it was a very hot summer, I was in a lot of pain from an episiotomy and overwhelmed

I agree that you shouldn't tell your parents either. It is honestly just stressful for the grandparents to be waiting to hear news. Tell everyone afterwards.

And don't have visitors if you aren't comfortable, and why shouldn't you be selfsih.

I had no choice as my DC was born during lockdown but I'm so glad that I had no visitors at the hospital. They can wait!

So many people saying visitors won't be allowed, but my elderly aunt was in hospital very recently and was allowed two visitors per day, for a maximum of an hour, by appointment only. Obviously she wasn't on a maternity ward, but I'm not sure why the rules there would be different than for someone who is very frail.

We had no visitors because DS was born during lockdown. As my IL had been grabby and territorial about my DC1 I was pleased to have time just to spend with partner and our children without having someone else's agenda in the way, or having to deal with spiteful and insensitive comments. many examples above, ours include MiL saying "what an ugly baby!" And "you don't like letting go of him do you!", and "thank you for having Our grandchild" (er no, it's my child)

The worst thing she said was - following a long delivery in which I was only able to have two paracetamol - "don't be so nauseating". Some people will want to visit you and be supportive and kind, and see the baby and celebrate with you. Others just want it to be all about them.

I actually loved having my parents visit, but tbh wasn't in hospital long enough to even think about having any other visitors. My advice would be to try not to plan too much, you don't know what the labour will be like or how long you will be in hospital for. Just see how it goes but be firm about what you want/don't want when the time comes.

I learnt long ago not to get in to these types of conversations with family. Just smile and ignore any suggestions they’ll be at your bedside.

We didn’t tell anybody when I was going in for an induction and I’m glad.

My sister told me when she went into labour and I didn’t sleep for about 28 hours worrying about her!! We’d lost our mother when younger after a routine operation. Thankfully all fine with sister and her baby, but I just wish I hadn’t been told until after she’d arrived

I’m due start of October and hoping visitors still aren’t allowed (apart from my partner obviously!) so I have an excuse. I’m in for a week after birth too. You are not BU

YANBU. Visitors in hospital should be for the mum's benefit and be restricted to carers, as in anyone coming to support you by being a shoulder to cry on, bringing clean washing, helping you in the shower, fetching things etc and cared for, as in any dependants who are missing the mum or the mum is missing them. Anyone who is there for baby cuddles etc can wait until they are home and ready. I don't think hospital wards are the place for non-essential visitors tbh. Having a baby is generally a happy occasion but there are also mums on the postnatal ward who have had traumatic births, baby with health problems/disabilities, mums with babies in nicu and mums with babies who have been stillborn (although thankfully most hospitals have a separate bereavement suite these days).

But I couldn’t imagine not telling parents I was in labour but I get everyone has different relationships

It’s not about having different relationships. I went into proper labour at 8pm and the birth was at 3am. I definitely didn’t want my parents losing a night’s sleep and sitting by the phone worrying for hours. They were told the baby had arrived at 7am when they got up.

@Blossomtoes

But I couldn’t imagine not telling parents I was in labour but I get everyone has different relationships

It’s not about having different relationships. I went into proper labour at 8pm and the birth was at 3am. I definitely didn’t want my parents losing a night’s sleep and sitting by the phone worrying for hours. They were told the baby had arrived at 7am when they got up.

It was in regards to her MIL

We didn’t tell anyone when in labour with my eldest, just rang round once he was here. We invited both sets of grandparents, my brother and my SIL to all come at the same time for an hour.
With my second my SIL knew we were in labour as she looked after my son. My mum knew as she popped round and then rang when we weren’t home. Due to COVID no visitors were allowed which was fine.
My step mum was annoyed both times that we hadn’t said I was in labour but I didn’t see the point in telling everyone, there was nothing they could do but wait so they didn’t need to know!

I was in for a couple of days each time and welcomed visitors because I was bored. But you shouldn't feel any pressure, no one has any rights to visit you if you don't want them to.

It’s your birth and your baby just do what you want.

I’ll be telling my family but wouldn’t want PIL anywhere near me during that time tbh.

For me, first birth was a 3 day ordeal and both me and baby were injured. I had no visitors that day (baby born at lunchtime) because I was on the high dependency ward but the next day I had my DM and DB, then MIL and FIL and the next day my DF and other DB. So very close family who I adore but I hated it and wanted them to leave after about two minutes. I was ill, exhausted, and a mess. I felt very invaded and it continued at home too.

Second baby I knew I was having an ELCS. I told my family that, and I told them nicely that I wanted no visitors in hospital. Both DMs grumbled a bit but they got over it and I had a lovely 2 day recovery by myself except DH and had a couple of days at home to myself too.

Definitely not UR OP, I think immediately after birth is the one time it's fine for women to be as 'selfish' as they like. It really is about what you want and need so don't put others wants about your own needs.

@pearlsandpetals You do what is best for you, your partner and your baby. You can plan as much as you like but how you feel on the day and in the upcoming days may surprise you.

I have a very low pain threshold and was convinced I'd be bed bound for many days after yet within an hour of giving birth, I was up and walking around so had a shower and felt normal again.

I was adamant I didnt want visitors when we got home but I was so excited, we invited my parents and in laws

It was in regards to her MIL

The post I responded to said parents. 🤷‍♀️

@Blossomtoes

It was in regards to her MIL

The post I responded to said parents. 🤷‍♀️

DH parents? It was generalised, does it really matter 😂

totally your choice. people hate rules about newborns but this is your experience not theirs so don’t let anyone sway you! only thing i would say is i felt the same when i had my baby (10 weeks ago) and ended up sneaking my mum in to visit as i had a section and stayed in for 3 days. by that point i was too in love with my little baby to not want to show her off. getting home from the hospital was when i wanted people to leave me alone for a few days though as i think that’s when reality hits more and tiredness takes over!

does it really matter

Not in the slightest which was why I was surprised you “corrected” me.

I was delighted to see my mum after I'd had dd, for both of us it wasn't so much about the baby - I felt rotten and my mum was worried about me. I didnt want to see someone else's mum when I felt so crap, and I didnt appreciate my then dh inviting friends to my bedside either.

I'd just think through the alternatives, and play it by ear.

In hospital, you have enforced visitor numbers and visiting times. If you feel up to it, having parents and in-laws in your space for 30 minutes then firmly told to leave by a midwife might prove better and easier than 24 hours later when you're just back in your new home, feeling overwhelmed there's nobody around to check things with or help, feeling the full tiredness hit you for the first time.

I wanted everyone to meet DD quickly, and then felt I had more flexibility once we were home: I think both our parents called in but largely to drop stuff like food into us, the 'visit/meeting her' bit was done in hospital.

Its really hard when you've someone who doesn't respect your boundaries. I think the main thing you need to do is get DH 100% on side, and to be able to trust he'll be your enforcer. So: have a signal for 'I need to breastfeed/lie down and I want everyone gone NOW' you can give him so you know he's able to act on it.

I don't understand why people know and are commenting on who will be visiting in hospital when you're ages away: there's no need for discussion now. When people ask, say 'oh hospital guidelines are changing all the time, we'll have to see.' At the time, you can say 'birth was more traumatic/exhausing/longer than expected, midwives are advising rest and no visitors' If you start talking about it now, you give people a chance to argue, and you give yourself no flexibility if you do decide you'd rather get visiting over and done with in hospital and have a few days in peace at home.

I had a baby during the first lockdown and had to stay in for a couple of nights, DH was only allowed to visit for a few hours a day which was hard. DD screamed any time I put her down so I could barely go to the toilet / have a shower / get dressed, I would have liked some visitors to help a bit! I was also really sad I couldn't show off my gorgeous new baby to her grandparents, I would have liked them to be able to pop in and meet her when she was brand new. I guess it's different now you can have people to visit at home though. I wasn't intending to tell our families when I went into labour, but I was in the middle of a what's app chat with them when my waters broke so would have been a bit strange to go silent or pretend nothing was happening! Ultimately it's your baby and your birth so you should do what you feel is right.