'Joke' or HR matter?

[MapleSyrupMoose]

New name as I don't want this linked to my other posts.

I absolutely adore my job and can sometimes get a bit obsessive about new projects. Last week, I was up cycling in the wee hours of the morning, had a sudden idea, and sent an email to a colleague of mine (work email address) regarding this. He almost immediately sent a message to my personal phone number saying, 'Wow you're up early', followed by one saying, 'I don't know why women like you bother working, you could probably sell nudes online and make a fortune'. I ignored him. We had a teams meeting a few hours later and I largely ignored him too. He then sent a message saying, 'Come on, it's just a joke'!

Would I be overreacting if I reported this to HR? Or should I just take it as a 'joke' and move on? We're about the same age (20s but I'm not sure if that matters) in the same role.

Let it go OP, it was inappropriate for sure but fight your own battles - you look childish going to HR,

Why not just mention it to him and explain why you didn't see the funny side?

I'd rather stand up for myself than involve HR, personally.

OP is not his boss or his mum. It's not her responsibility to tell a 20 something right from wrong. OP is about the same age as him and knows comments like this are inappropriate but somehow he drifted through life not realising it? Come on.

He made the follow-up joke comment because he knew he had said something bad but his ego prevented him from apologising. If OP speaks to him, all he'll do is hang his head in shame and then wait a bit before making his next sexist comment as he knows nothing will come of it.

It is in no way appropriate or correct.

But despite the way on here "Going to HR" is seen as some kind of solution, HR are in the main so useless and inept that it stands a good chance of making things worse.

However he must be warned in the best way you choose, that if he does this type of thing again, you will take the matter further- and keep a record of your warning.

Maybe best not to start an email thread with him though on this matter.

Good luck.

@EloquentlyBrash

It was a jokey dark humoured compliment. You’re obviously attractive to him, for him to think you could sell photos. I personally wouldn’t report but if it’s made you uncomfortable tell him.

Oh I hadn’t realised sexual harrassment / hostile work environment became irrelevant if a man finds you attractive! Silly me!

Men get away with this behaviour and keep repeating it with various other women because they are enabled by the 'let it slide the first time' 's.

If men weren't give a first pass, they would no longer make these comments.

Enough with the 'let it slide this time'. He will keep on having his 'firsts' with other colleagues unless he is stopped AT the first time by HR. Women should not have to give men a 'first' free pass. These comments should never be allowed, first time or second time. If women went to HR the first time, there would be no first times as men would know never to make the comment, in the first place.

@MapleSyrupMoose Report it. Utterly inappropriate and pretty damn rude and nasty tbh. How dare he speak to you like this, and try to undermine you and your talents and skills, by suggesting you could be/should be selling porno pics?

Urgh! I feel sick even reading this.

And the 'it's only a joke, lighten up' brigade make me want to scream.

Why do people not get that it's only a joke if the other person is laughing?

Defo report him, because he meant it, and he absolutely will say things like this again, and he will say it to other women too.

Disgusting misogynistic creep.

After I had sicked into my mouth a bit at his comment, I'd respond telling him how inappropriate it was. His response would then dictate how I proceeded. Genuine apology and an acceptance that he crossed the line - I'd forget it but keep any eye on future conversations. Refusal to accept it was inappropriate - straight to HR.

He meant it as a compliment although it was inappropriate.

I wouldn't want to get him into trouble over it.

But, if he carries on saying things in the same manner, I would warn him and if he carries on after that, I would report him.

He meant it as a compliment although it was inappropriate.

Then he needs to learn just how deeply inappropriate this really is.

Why shouldn't he get into trouble over it?

It’s not complimentary to tell a female colleague she should be doing porn rather than her actual job. It really, really isn’t meant as a compliment. It’s about putting women back in their place. There is no respect or admiration behind it. It’s just sleazy and demeaning.

@Notmoresugar

He meant it as a compliment although it was inappropriate.

I wouldn't want to get him into trouble over it.

But, if he carries on saying things in the same manner, I would warn him and if he carries on after that, I would report him.

There is nothing complimentary about suggesting to a colleague that they sell naked pictures of themselves online. It's so far beyond respectful and is not complimentary.

If he wanted to compliment her there are a hundred nicer, more respectful ways to do it.

@Summerfun54321

I would approach HR and say you’ve been sent an inappropriate message by a peer to your personal work phone and can staff have some training about appropriate behaviour in the work place. I think that shows you won’t take shit and the company needs to know but also that you’re not looking to single this guy out. Not because he deserves to get away with it, but because raising it as a specific complaint comes with stress and hassle to you. Any more comments from him and straight to HR to complain about him specifically and you’ll have 2 pieces of evidence then.

A decent HR person will want to investigate the inappropriate message and find out just how inappropriate it is and who sent it.....it is unlikely they would leave it there. Why should all the staff sit through training and the company have the expense of running it, if the problem is just with one person?

And why should he not be singled out when he chose to do this and has not shown any remorse. He could be doing this to others though so many people should be suffering, it is serious misconduct and he needs to get the message that this is unacceptable.

I do agree though that raising a complaint could be stressful for you and that would be a worry. A good organisation would ensure you are supported and do not suffer any negative consequences from making a complaint. It would be worth checking if there is a Dignity at Work policy or similar relating to respectful treatment of others within the organisation, if so this should include advice and reassurance for you.

I wouldn't want to get him into trouble over it.

Oh no, he might end up feeling bad just like he made OP feel.

@LegoPirateMonkey

It’s not complimentary to tell a female colleague she should be doing porn rather than her actual job. It really, really isn’t meant as a compliment. It’s about putting women back in their place. There is no respect or admiration behind it. It’s just sleazy and demeaning.

This!

I wouldn't want to get him into trouble over it

I think you'll find that he got himself into trouble.

@LegoPirateMonkey

It’s not complimentary to tell a female colleague she should be doing porn rather than her actual job. It really, really isn’t meant as a compliment. It’s about putting women back in their place. There is no respect or admiration behind it. It’s just sleazy and demeaning.

Yes, exactly

I can't read any more of these comments minimising this behaviour, I feel sick.

OP it is absolutely up to you and as someone else pointed out only you know the situation in your workplace. But as you asked the question then I'm hoping you will feel able to tackle this in the best way for you.

What is this compliment horseshit?

What is complimentary about being told you should be doing sex work?

I have plenty of banter with people and it can get jokey but that's because we've worked together for years but even I'd draw the line with what he said. It's definitely the "women like you" comment I think.

Plus it was 7.45, not like it was 1am and even then it wouldn't mean I'd tolerate that kind of "joke"

I am horrified and depressed at the comment. But I am more horrified at the women on here who are saying various of:

• it’s ok because he finds the OP attractive. Sorry but how does this make it ok?? Why is it the OP’s problem whether someone finds her attractive or not??
• it’s a joke - but in any other area of life if you say something that only you find funny and makes the other person uncomfortable, that’s not a fucking joke
• she shouldn’t report in case he gets sacked. No. He shouldn’t have SAID it in case he gets sacked. This is not on the OP.

So depressed at the number of mumsnetters who think this is ok. This makes the rest of us worry that if we report, we’ll get someone like you who thinks it’s funny/a compliment. Christ.

@Livingtothefull
All good points

I’m utterly disgusted at the posters that think the OP should accept being sexually harassed by a work colleague because she sent an early work email. Absolutely ridiculous.
I’d perhaps not report him but I’d screen shot it and tell him it’s completely inappropriate and you will never accept that sort of language again.

I am saddened by the amount of victim blaming on the thread and not recognising the man’s comment for the vile misogynistic comments it was

I am trying to understand how anyone who has ever been in a workplace can think that someone sending a work-related email outlining a solution to a problem can be replied to with a text suggesting they sell naked photos of themselves online instead of working and this is either a joke or a compliment? How can that be?

Imagine sending the email - enthusiastic about your job, keen to solve a problem. And having that ignored and being told you should be getting your tits out instead for money. Why would anyone feel amused or flattered by that?

And why on Earth should the man get away with it?

You have the potential to ruin someone’s life

Except he’s done that all by himself

i'm not sure about how this is complimentary.

I would report to HR - hopefully this will bring up a discussion about appropriate use of office phones and messages.

@LegoPirateMonkey

I am trying to understand how anyone who has ever been in a workplace can think that someone sending a work-related email outlining a solution to a problem can be replied to with a text suggesting they sell naked photos of themselves online instead of working and this is either a joke or a compliment? How can that be?

Imagine sending the email - enthusiastic about your job, keen to solve a problem. And having that ignored and being told you should be getting your tits out instead for money. Why would anyone feel amused or flattered by that?

And why on Earth should the man get away with it?

Exactly!