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Original poster

'Joke' or HR matter?

729 replies

MapleSyrupMoose · 09/06/2021 17:22

New name as I don't want this linked to my other posts.

I absolutely adore my job and can sometimes get a bit obsessive about new projects. Last week, I was up cycling in the wee hours of the morning, had a sudden idea, and sent an email to a colleague of mine (work email address) regarding this. He almost immediately sent a message to my personal phone number saying, 'Wow you're up early', followed by one saying, 'I don't know why women like you bother working, you could probably sell nudes online and make a fortune'. I ignored him. We had a teams meeting a few hours later and I largely ignored him too. He then sent a message saying, 'Come on, it's just a joke'!

Would I be overreacting if I reported this to HR? Or should I just take it as a 'joke' and move on? We're about the same age (20s but I'm not sure if that matters) in the same role.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 09/06/2021 18:39

But if you report him he will have to face the consequences of his actions.

What's wrong with that?

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 09/06/2021 18:40

Sexual harassment. It wouldn't be an overreaction to report to HR. Fucking dickhead, fuck him.

Ostara212 · 09/06/2021 18:40

@MapleSyrupMoose

As a disclaimer I have never flirted with him before! Usually I'm better at ignoring 'jokes' (my course in Uni was very male-dominated so I'm sort of used to it) but this one in particular gave me the 'ick'.
Never ignore the "jokes"

Please report to HR.

The security guard at my office said stuff like this, then he touched someone and got the sack, thank goodness. I was nervous to work late with him around.

TatianaBis · 09/06/2021 18:40

personally think you can handle this yourself and will deem a greater respect for doing so.

We all make mistakes but crucifying him and potential loss of career by one error is, I think, is poor advice.

Stupidity. First of all you can’t ‘deem’ respect.

Second, I wouldn’t respect a new recruit for not passing on intel that another recruit has issues that need addressing.

If he talked similarly inappropriately with a senior or a client he would be in substantially more shit than he is in now.

He needs a word, he’s young, he may not get fired if he gets the message.

mbosnz · 09/06/2021 18:41

Do you want him to get the sack? Yes of course it was inappropriate. But if you report him he will have to face the consequences of his actions.

Oh my stars - he might have to face the consequences of his actions?! What is the world coming to, when a man cannot commit sexual harassment of a colleague with impunity?! The very cheek of it! The entitlement of some woman - wanting a safe workplace environment. . .

LampHat · 09/06/2021 18:41

It’s really fucking demeaning. “Women like you” indeed. I don’t know if it’s a clumsy attempt at flirting but he needs to be told, through the official HR channels, that it’s hugely inappropriate. In fact, you might be doing him a favour by reporting it so he never makes the same mistake again.

Merchymor · 09/06/2021 18:43

Do you want him to get the sack? Yes of course it was inappropriate. But if you report him he will have to face the consequences of his actions

And? His mistake, his consequences.
It's not on OP

OP it's up to you but if I were in your position I really would report this.

The women in my workplace reported a vile little man who sexually harassed and groped women who had to work closely with him and NOTHING was done about it. I'm sad this is still seen as ok by some people.

lakesummer · 09/06/2021 18:44

But if you report him he will have to face the consequences of his actions.

And this would be a bad thing because?

Men shouldn't have consequences?

Sexual harassment should be consequence free?

What messages are we giving our kids about this, our boys as well as girls.

GAHgamel · 09/06/2021 18:44

At the very least block his number from your personal phone, and email him to tell him that you've done so as he can't be trusted not to make immature sexist comments, so any further contact outside the office environment needs to go via the work email system (or any other official systems that you might use). CC in your line manager, explaining that you're making them aware that you've done this, in case of later communication delays due to him not being able to get through to you on the phone.

Hopefully that'll be sufficient for your line manager to have a word with him not to be a dickhead, without you both having to go through the rigmarole of HR getting involved. That said, if your line manager is aware of other issues, or just wants to cover their arse, they may insist on HR involvement anyway, but you can say honestly that the decision wasn't in your hands. This is not to say you shouldn't go to HR directly if you want to, but may be a useful halfway measure in the light of office politics.

finallymightbehappening · 09/06/2021 18:44

Nothing accidentallyonpurpose. But the op needs to decide if she wants to do that. If he's not usually a slimey sleezy twat she might not want to feel responsible for him getting dismissed for sexual harassment (even though he's the one responsible for his actions).

TatianaBis · 09/06/2021 18:45

Do you want him to get the sack? Yes of course it was inappropriate. But if you report him he will have to face the consequences of his actions.

Wtf wouldn’t he face the consequences? He’s got to learn at some point. Better now than ‘joking’ that his boss would be better off in sex work no?

tigger1001 · 09/06/2021 18:45

@finallymightbehappening

Do you want him to get the sack? Yes of course it was inappropriate. But if you report him he will have to face the consequences of his actions.

Personally I would probably tell him to his face it was completely inappropriate and then forget about it. But you are totally entitled to go to HR. But the consequence is likely to be more than a slapped wrist.

Most companies would discipline for that. But if they don't (and then they sound like a shower of shit) you will have marked your own card.

Yes he will face consequences as he should.

Why should others feel uncomfortable and allow this kind of behaviour, which very well may get worse, just so he won't face the consequences of his own actions

VioletCharlotte · 09/06/2021 18:45

I wouldn't report it to HR, but I would have a meeting with him to discuss exactly why it's not appropriate.

I'm in my 40's though, so maybe wouldn't have felt confident enough to have that conversation when I was in my 20's. What's your line manager like? Ideally they should be your first port of call before HR. I would support one of my direct reports and deal with this swiftly if it happened in my team.

Tistheseason17 · 09/06/2021 18:46

My DH says that his yardstick is, "would I be happy if someone said that to my daughter?"

No us the answer and whilst we continue to let these comments slide, misogyny and sexism will continue. He says he's joking- BS, he knew what he wrote was disgusting.

Report - or he'll just move on to his next person.

Greenmarmalade · 09/06/2021 18:46

I’d deal with it myself and talk to him. I imagine he’ll apologise. Job done.

TatianaBis · 09/06/2021 18:46

@finallymightbehappening

Nothing accidentallyonpurpose. But the op needs to decide if she wants to do that. If he's not usually a slimey sleezy twat she might not want to feel responsible for him getting dismissed for sexual harassment (even though he's the one responsible for his actions).
OP is not the one responsible for the consequences. HE is.

🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

gottakeeponmovin · 09/06/2021 18:46

I wouldn't report it but I would tell him it's inappropriate and that if he does it again someone may well report it

dancemom · 09/06/2021 18:47

I can't believe how many people are saying it's a joke or to just warn him.

It was derogatory, offensive and belittling. And he didn't even apologise.

I'd be reporting it for sure.

Ohtheplacesyougo · 09/06/2021 18:47

Btw I should have said my DH was once called in for disciplinary for racism.

It was completely made up and after months discovered. It was an awful, and I mean awful, process. BTW - he received a letter confirming ‘innocent’ post event but not one apology.

I’m not comparing with your example - a completely different scenario, as this man is certainly more guilty by a long way!!

But everyone is very quick to say make a formal complaint to HR.

You have the potential to ruin someone’s life.

As such I’d always think until after the weekend before making a report to HR, if you feel it is right to do so.

newnortherner111 · 09/06/2021 18:47

If he had apologised I would do nothing. As he has not, suggest that either a word with HR or his manager.

Deathsquito · 09/06/2021 18:48

Even if it was a ‘joke’ it would make me extremely uncomfortable. Mainly because, after realising you were offended, he didn’t immediately apologise or say he wouldn’t behave that way again.

Nothing in his behaviour afterwards seems to indicate he’s realised that a) what he said was sexist and offensive b) that he even understands he was acting that inappropriately.

LizzieSiddal · 09/06/2021 18:48

Please report him. HR will give him a good talking to about how inappropriate this is and hopefully he will have learnt a lesson and never so this again.

If he doesn’t get told to stop he will carry on with other women, under the mistaken impression that it’s just a “joke”.

LivingInThe80s · 09/06/2021 18:48

On what planet is that a 'joke'? It's a vile, sexist comment that suggest women should strip naked and sell themselves. It is meant to insult and humiliate and relegate the OP to being a whore. What he said is absolutely disgusting on any level. Go straight to HR. He should not be able to get away with it.

eaten · 09/06/2021 18:48

If he's not usually a slimey sleezy twat she might not want to feel responsible for him getting dismissed for sexual harassment (even though he's the one responsible for his actions).

So being a slimey sleezy twat is ok as long as it's not a usual thing? How many times are allowed before it's "usual"? Hmm

OP shouldn't have to be on her guard that he's going to do or say something inappropriate.

Egghead68 · 09/06/2021 18:49

Tell him yourself it’s inappropriate and keep a record. I’d only report if it happens again.

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