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AIBU?

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Original poster

'Joke' or HR matter?

729 replies

MapleSyrupMoose · 09/06/2021 17:22

New name as I don't want this linked to my other posts.

I absolutely adore my job and can sometimes get a bit obsessive about new projects. Last week, I was up cycling in the wee hours of the morning, had a sudden idea, and sent an email to a colleague of mine (work email address) regarding this. He almost immediately sent a message to my personal phone number saying, 'Wow you're up early', followed by one saying, 'I don't know why women like you bother working, you could probably sell nudes online and make a fortune'. I ignored him. We had a teams meeting a few hours later and I largely ignored him too. He then sent a message saying, 'Come on, it's just a joke'!

Would I be overreacting if I reported this to HR? Or should I just take it as a 'joke' and move on? We're about the same age (20s but I'm not sure if that matters) in the same role.

OP posts:
betterlifenostrife · 09/06/2021 21:47

@TatianaBis it is to do with not being rude and disrespectful to other people whether in or out of the work place. Rolling your eyes is also rude and disrespectful. Not sure how you can take the moral high ground here when you refer to women who have a different point of view to you as "complicit fuckwits"

mbosnz · 09/06/2021 21:47

I can imagine you really wouldn't care.

Misogynists are us - could you please come and get this model back - it's working far too well.

In fact. . . It's ridiculous. I imagine its poor wee feelings might get hurt, so if we could remove it before it gets too fragilley, that would be good.

I imagine if you do actually run a company, rather than dream about it, it's a right old cowboy company with no knowledge of employment law, a functioning HR department, and I imagine the IRS will be catching up with you soon.

minou123 · 09/06/2021 21:49

I posted 2 of my own experiences. In both cases my dad was so supportive.

My dad listened to me, encouraged me to report, was on my side.

He didn't try to make light of it, tell me it's a non event or that I was making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I always thought this was "normal" dad behavior.

But after reading Rubbishatchoosingusernames comments, I'm starting to realise that I have a brilliant, caring dad who supports me.

It's wonderful to have a dad like mine.

ChewtonRoad · 09/06/2021 21:50

We're about the same age (20s but I'm not sure if that matters)

It does matter. When I was in my 20s I might have put up with it, but having done that and letting such things take us to where we are today I no longer would tolerate that kind of fuckwittery.

Not a single thing about his messages were funny or "jokes". He's shown you who he is - believe him and ask HR to deal with him. If he behaves like that with a work colleague then imagine what he's like with women in social situations.

ClareBlue · 09/06/2021 21:50

Even if you decide not to report him he needs to learn very quickly this is not acceptable. I was going to say in the work place, but it is just not acceptable in any situation.
As he has no power in your workplace over you and is relatively new to the workplace and was responding to a not strictly work time email, I would give him a chance. That's me, you know the whole context and the decision is with you and whatever you decide is valid.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 09/06/2021 21:50

Shall we just point and laugh?

TatianaBis · 09/06/2021 21:50

[quote betterlifenostrife]@TatianaBis it is to do with not being rude and disrespectful to other people whether in or out of the work place. Rolling your eyes is also rude and disrespectful. Not sure how you can take the moral high ground here when you refer to women who have a different point of view to you as "complicit fuckwits"[/quote]
DFOD

LakieLady · 09/06/2021 21:50

I'd report. I find it especially creepy that he used your personal phone to respond to an email sent to his work email address.

Mind you, I work in an environment where sexism and every other -ism is taken incredibly seriously, so I know that it would be taken seriously and no-one would set any store by an "I was only joking" defence, so that would make my decision easier.

I might feel differently if I worked somewhere that had a more macho, "all lads together" culture.

MsFogi · 09/06/2021 21:51

I would certainly report this to HR

Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady · 09/06/2021 21:52

I would take it as a joke. But that's just me

Raindropumbrella · 09/06/2021 21:52

Wouldn’t bother me.
You probably could make more money selling images online

thatonehasalittlecar · 09/06/2021 21:53

Your last post is all the more reason you should report it. If he thinks you’d be better off being a sex worker, how much do you think he respects your work? And when he inevitably gets promoted over you, what then? Will he keep you around for titillation or get rid of you because you have dirt on him? Every time a man gets away with this BS, it reinforces their misogyny.

And I hate to point it out, but after he thought about you being on OF, what did he do then? Rank. You shouldn’t have to put up with this sexist, denigrating behaviour. It’s not a joke, it’s sexual harassment.

smallgoon · 09/06/2021 22:02

It's inappropriate but depends on the type of relationship you have with him really.

Voice0fReason · 09/06/2021 22:05

@MagicSummer

Ok I am going to tell you young people about how life was in the 80s in an office environment. There were men and women and we all interacted - we flirted - men might have told us we looked nice today, or our hair was nice and we made flirty comments back We had fun at Christmas parties with the odd kiss in the stationery cupboard and so on. Do you know what - it was FUN! I am so fed up with the sourpusses which seem to inhabit our planet now who can't take a joke (and deal with it, as we did - there are plenty of ways of shaming an over-familiar man). It was all very innocent - at least we didn't jump into bed with every man who crossed our path! Lighten up, will you.
I worked in an office environment in the 80s. The sexual harassment was rife. There was nothing innocent about it and it wasn't fun. It was normalised so there was very little that women could do about it. Perhaps you didn't hear about the #metoo movement. Maybe all of these women were just not fun enough.
Scrambledcustard · 09/06/2021 22:05

OP should report it but she felt like she couldn't. She knew it was off but work culture still is very toxic.

I worked in a very male heavy role, some of the things I overheard in the staff room were disgusting. I was only in my 20s then but it was vile. such as calling a woman's vagina a 'wizards sleeve' or a 'gash'. Monday morning was a pleasure listening to their exploit over the weekend. as I got older it tailed off as id become 'old' then and they watched there mouths more until one idiot said I'd probably win a wet T- shirt comp. He got a mouth full of abuse back - he later got sacked for logging in to porn on a staff lap top at home.

However - I'd be fuming if this was my late teen or 20 thing dd. Honestly how the fuck do these men think they are?

Scrambledcustard · 09/06/2021 22:05

**who

finallymightbehappening · 09/06/2021 22:06

@Cailleachian, no, not her but that article is horrific. Poor woman. I suspect there are lots of women that have suffered similar.

LegoPirateMonkey · 09/06/2021 22:07

@Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady what would you find funny about it?

@raindropumbrella how much money do you think women can make out of just selling naked pictures? Enough to live on? Just for photos? No, they couldn’t. What’s the career progression like in that job? What about the OP’s ambition? Sick pay, pension, security? Everything she’s trained for? She has a job she loves. How dare anyone suggest she should be stripping online instead? Why should she?

GrandmasCat · 09/06/2021 22:08

One warning, one. Straight to HR on the next strike.

MrsIsobelCrawley · 09/06/2021 22:10

Anyone who thinks this is just a joke is a complete fool.

RoSEbuds6 · 09/06/2021 22:13

What a weird thing to say, not funny in the slightest, and wholly inappropriate. Makes you wonder where his mind was he read your email.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 09/06/2021 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

Brefugee · 09/06/2021 22:15

Just a joke. I would have seen the funny side to this.

JFC. This is why it doesn't stop. It's sexist, patronising and completely inappropriate. HR need to know.

daisychain01 · 09/06/2021 22:17

The important thing about the Equality Act (2010) is that acts of discrimination - of which harrassment of this nature is an example - is that the person subjected to the insult gets to say how the comment, remark or "JOKE" (eye roll - he was obviously covering himself) made them feel, for which there's provision for a compensatory payment "injury to feelings".

So the Act protects the person because it's completely subjective and no one can refute that it didn't make you feel ashamed, humiliated, frightened, threatened, all of those feelings. You get to tell them and they have to accept it.

Not suggesting you go down the route of Tribunal, @MapleSyrupMoose but if you take this to HR, and if they know their employment law, you would show them the wording of his text, and they certainly won't argue with you, minimise it or try to gaslight you - but you'd have to make it clear how it made you feel.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 09/06/2021 22:17

@Brefugee

Just a joke. I would have seen the funny side to this.

JFC. This is why it doesn't stop. It's sexist, patronising and completely inappropriate. HR need to know.

Weird how no one that says that can explain what the joke is or what's funny about it.