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Original poster

'Joke' or HR matter?

729 replies

MapleSyrupMoose · 09/06/2021 17:22

New name as I don't want this linked to my other posts.

I absolutely adore my job and can sometimes get a bit obsessive about new projects. Last week, I was up cycling in the wee hours of the morning, had a sudden idea, and sent an email to a colleague of mine (work email address) regarding this. He almost immediately sent a message to my personal phone number saying, 'Wow you're up early', followed by one saying, 'I don't know why women like you bother working, you could probably sell nudes online and make a fortune'. I ignored him. We had a teams meeting a few hours later and I largely ignored him too. He then sent a message saying, 'Come on, it's just a joke'!

Would I be overreacting if I reported this to HR? Or should I just take it as a 'joke' and move on? We're about the same age (20s but I'm not sure if that matters) in the same role.

OP posts:
NickD87 · 09/06/2021 21:22

Id say something to him, not report if this was the first time. Not in a harsh way, but just say that the comment is a bit off the mark - maybe flag he could get in trouble if he said to the wrong person etc....it’s softer and makes out you’re looking out for him too and non-confrontational. Will likely mean he is a bit more considerate of his ‘jokes’ in general in the future.

CorianderBee · 09/06/2021 21:22

@KitKat1985

I'd probably let it go if it was a one off.

Is it possible he is attracted to you and was testing the water a bit? If you were e-mailing him in the small hours of the morning you must be fairly close as work colleagues, and maybe he thought he'd see if you responded to his (admittedly shit) attempt at a compliment?

People email at all hours. You're not generally expected to see them until you start the next day
TatianaBis · 09/06/2021 21:24

@MapleSyrupMoose

I've read the whole thread and it feels like shit but I don't think I'll be reporting him. Seems like there's a not insignificant chance that it may be viewed as a compliment/joke, and I cannot run the risk of being ostracised for it. People don't say it here but back in Uni, my peers were already joking about how women in our industry were mostly 'diversity hires' or 'using their sexuality to get to the top' and, seeing the bigger picture, I do agree with PP that this might be what I'll be up against if I do make a report. Thanks for all your time.
I don’t know where you’re from or what uni you were at but you do realise that the kind twattery you experienced at uni and this guy at work is not standard? I’m not saying it’s not about, but these men are complete fuckwits.

You seem to not really have grasped (as lamentably it seems nor have some women on this thread) that you don’t have to put up with this shit. And that if you take a zero tolerance line, at the very least they won’t chat this kind of shit round you.

LivingInThe80s · 09/06/2021 21:25

@Rubbishatchoosingusernames Suggesting a woman give up her job to be a whore is a 'nonevent' to you? What sort of sick world do you inhabit where suggesting a colleague is worth nothing more than being a whore is a 'nonevent' in your world? Interesting that you haven't had the guts to say how you'd feel if someone suggested your daughter become a whore instead of work. Interesting you avoided answering those questions.

No doubt sexist, misogynist toxic men like you are 'amazed' that women are telling you this is wrong.

Ninkanink · 09/06/2021 21:27

@NickD87

Id say something to him, not report if this was the first time. Not in a harsh way, but just say that the comment is a bit off the mark - maybe flag he could get in trouble if he said to the wrong person etc....it’s softer and makes out you’re looking out for him too and non-confrontational. Will likely mean he is a bit more considerate of his ‘jokes’ in general in the future.
No, that’s not good enough. He ‘could be in trouble if he said it to the wrong person’?? He’s already said it to OP, who didn’t appreciate it, and is perfectly entitled to be angry/upset about it. She certainly doesn’t need to dress it up as concern for him, fgs,
TatianaBis · 09/06/2021 21:28

OP is not confident she'd even get that, or worse be the one that gets affected. That just shows how male centred and damaging a lot of work environments are.

It also shows how the complicity and fuckwittage of some women - some posters being a case in point - simply serves to compound the problem.

lakesummer · 09/06/2021 21:28

What would a positive response look like?

I'd start with HR asking him some questions about what he was doing and why?

Then a warning about sexually inappropriate behavior.

Then some training about how women who you work with don't want to be compared to sex workers. Etc.

Something is missing in this man's upbringing if he has missed this basic training but there is still an opportunity to fill in his missing blanks.

It is a non event to you @Rubbishatchoosingusernames but not to the young woman he targeted or to many of the female responders on this thread.

Why should women in a professional environment have to tolerate men telling them they should be part of the prostitution racket?

katy1213 · 09/06/2021 21:31

Stand on your own two feet and tell him to fuck off. Not everything has to be escalated.

betterlifenostrife · 09/06/2021 21:31

I think that given your latest post it is worth you chatting to your line manager on a no names basis about what happened and ask for their advice about how they would deal with it and how common it is, and also to more senior colleagues who you trust, and to an HR person in a general way about how your organisation would deal with it. In your shoes I'd find it easy to deal with this with the person directly, but it sits uneasy with me that you feel you have to be silent. I also think you might get some good advice if you have collegues you can trust. IME different organisations have very different cultures and there are very different approaches in different HR departments. I remember talking to a senior person in a LA about various work place issues, and how their HR dpmt would deal with certain things was a world away from how my organisation would have dealt with it.

Regularsizedrudy · 09/06/2021 21:34

@katy1213

Stand on your own two feet and tell him to fuck off. Not everything has to be escalated.
Okay so she tells him to fuck off and he does, he doesn’t make any more comments to her. But what about the next woman? He needs to learn that it is unacceptable. Your solution doesn’t stop him, it just means he will target people less likely to stand up for themselves.
fabulous01 · 09/06/2021 21:35

I work in HR
Please report it. We get people reporting a lot less.
This is serious and ... I would block his numbers to your personal phone.
You have the evidence so it will be very straightforward

LivingInThe80s · 09/06/2021 21:35

@betterlifenostrife

I think that given your latest post it is worth you chatting to your line manager on a no names basis about what happened and ask for their advice about how they would deal with it and how common it is, and also to more senior colleagues who you trust, and to an HR person in a general way about how your organisation would deal with it. In your shoes I'd find it easy to deal with this with the person directly, but it sits uneasy with me that you feel you have to be silent. I also think you might get some good advice if you have collegues you can trust. IME different organisations have very different cultures and there are very different approaches in different HR departments. I remember talking to a senior person in a LA about various work place issues, and how their HR dpmt would deal with certain things was a world away from how my organisation would have dealt with it.
I second this, @MapleSyrupMoose .
Rubbishatchoosingusernames · 09/06/2021 21:36

This reply has been deleted

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betterlifenostrife · 09/06/2021 21:36

@tatianabis I think if you called a female colleague a complicit fuckwit, or referred to her as one to someone else, you would probably be reported to HR.

Regularsizedrudy · 09/06/2021 21:38

@NickD87

Id say something to him, not report if this was the first time. Not in a harsh way, but just say that the comment is a bit off the mark - maybe flag he could get in trouble if he said to the wrong person etc....it’s softer and makes out you’re looking out for him too and non-confrontational. Will likely mean he is a bit more considerate of his ‘jokes’ in general in the future.
She has no way of knowing if this is the first time. It’s only the first time he’s said it TO HER. why should she pander to the poor little diddums and speak softly? Jesus Christ. He didn’t give a shit about upsetting her but she has to protect his delicate feelings?
mbosnz · 09/06/2021 21:39

@Rubbishatchoosingusernames

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I don't think you're really qualified to say that, are you?

I think perhaps, you ought not to try making molehills out of mountains, yes?

This behaviour is no longer accepted.

It's time for the little boys to grow up.

TatianaBis · 09/06/2021 21:40

[quote betterlifenostrife]@tatianabis I think if you called a female colleague a complicit fuckwit, or referred to her as one to someone else, you would probably be reported to HR.[/quote]
Yeah as we’re currently in a workplace.

Regularsizedrudy · 09/06/2021 21:40

Sorry op that this thread has gone south. Don’t you just love when the men come crawling out the woodwork to defend creeps Hmm

LivingInThe80s · 09/06/2021 21:40

@Rubbishatchoosingusernames

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@Rubbishatchoosingusernames Again, is there a reason you are cowardly ignoring the question about how you would feel if someone told your daughter they should sell photos or be a whore instead of working?

Cat got your tongue?

Take your own advice and grow up and answer the question instead of dodging it.

LivingInThe80s · 09/06/2021 21:40

*sell NAKED photos of themselves

Rubbishatchoosingusernames · 09/06/2021 21:43

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Bloodyfuckit · 09/06/2021 21:44

@Sillawithans

I couldn't get worked up about this.
Do you get worked up about racism or is it just women who should shut up and put up?
Rubbishatchoosingusernames · 09/06/2021 21:46

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Regularsizedrudy · 09/06/2021 21:47

@Rubbishatchoosingusernames

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You have NO idea if this is a one off. None of us do. That’s the whole point of reporting it, so it’s logged and if it happens again can be escalated. If no one ever reports then it could happen again and again before anything is done. Best case it was a misjudged joke and he has a stern word and learns his lesson.

But tbh I don’t even know why I’m taking time to explain this to you as you clearly already know this. You are being deliberately obtuse because the idea that women won’t stand for this anymore makes you uncomfortable. I wonder why. (I don’t)

Ninkanink · 09/06/2021 21:47

He really wouldn’t care...Says it all doesn’t it.

Again, I pity daughters when men like that for fathers. What a failure you are.

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