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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Joke' or HR matter?

729 replies

MapleSyrupMoose · 09/06/2021 17:22

New name as I don't want this linked to my other posts.

I absolutely adore my job and can sometimes get a bit obsessive about new projects. Last week, I was up cycling in the wee hours of the morning, had a sudden idea, and sent an email to a colleague of mine (work email address) regarding this. He almost immediately sent a message to my personal phone number saying, 'Wow you're up early', followed by one saying, 'I don't know why women like you bother working, you could probably sell nudes online and make a fortune'. I ignored him. We had a teams meeting a few hours later and I largely ignored him too. He then sent a message saying, 'Come on, it's just a joke'!

Would I be overreacting if I reported this to HR? Or should I just take it as a 'joke' and move on? We're about the same age (20s but I'm not sure if that matters) in the same role.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 09/06/2021 20:37

If having the comment reported could ruin his entire life, why did he say it?

IdblowJonSnow · 09/06/2021 20:38

Fgs, if he loses his job, which I doubt will happen, then that's on him for his pathetic remarks, not the op.

TatianaBis · 09/06/2021 20:38

@Thelnebriati

If having the comment reported could ruin his entire life, why did he say it?
IKR
mbosnz · 09/06/2021 20:40

I'm just wondering how stupid some males must be to think that these comments are remotely humorous, or acceptable, in the workplace environment, in this day and age?

How they must have been failed by their families, and their schools.

I mean, really, it's not like this guy is now 27, and being hauled up on his unacceptable texts sent when he was 18, is he?

LegoPirateMonkey · 09/06/2021 20:42

@idliketoteachtheworldtosing you’re suggesting that the harasser might kill himself if his harassment is brought to light and the OP would have that on her conscience? It’s not her fault. It is not her fault. She has emailed a colleague about a work problem to which she has a solution and he has texted her to tell her she should be selling nudes online instead. Why should he get away with it? Why do you want to make his behaviour her responsibility?

Men’s lives don’t get ruined over this stuff, it’s why they keep on harassing women with impunity. If they started to actually suffer the consequences, maybe they would stop. Maybe women would then feel comfortable at work, knowing they were respected and could keep their dignity. But to suggest the OP would be responsible for his suicide if she exposed his behaviour is utterly reprehensible. He shouldn’t behave this way in the first place!

rookiemere · 09/06/2021 20:42

Wow can't believe some people are minimising his actions.

If he loses his job because he doesn't know what an inappropriate message looks like, thats on him. Oh wait he did know it was inappropriate that's why he whatsapped it rather than emailing back.

Not to mention the nasty misogynistic belittling action of reducing a fellow employee bursting with enthusiasm and good ideas by discussing her physical appearance and suggesting effectively sex work.

It's appalling and no one should have to put up with getting messages like that.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 09/06/2021 20:43

How are you feeling about the whole thing, @MapleSyrupMoose? It's fucking crap that you have to put up with even an ounce of this bullshit.

Report.

He fucked up (and he knows he fucked up) so why should you go to the effort and further awkwardness to approach him about this shitty situation?

Go to HR and let him deal with his own mess.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 09/06/2021 20:43

@idliketoteachtheworldtosing

If you think it was meant as a joke and he has said it was one. seriously think about what the consequences for him would be and also for you, is it worth causing potential animosity within your office environment? Some people have a strange sense of humour but do not intend it to be malicious, if he lost his job through it the knock on effect could be devastating and worst case scenario is he could hurt himself and I'm sure you wouldn't want that on your conscience. I would let him know that you don't find that sort of thing funny and draw a line under it. Obviously if it happens again then that is different because you have already spoken to him about it, I think some people are far too uptight these days and whilst sexual harassment is not ok there is a difference between harassment and making a off the cuff comment or joke which isn't intended to offend. I guess what you need to decide is it worth the potential shitstorm it could create because you will have those who say it is harassment and those who will say that you have completely overreacted and as you say how much you love your job it would be awful if the atmosphere turned, I've seen it happen and it's not pleasant. Good luck with whatever you decide
Oh wow! How far are you willing to go? What's the bar for women keeping quiet just in case a man actually gets a consequence for actions and he won't like it?

Unless someone put a gun to his head, he made a choice. He bears all the responsibility. Not OP. His actions, his choices,his behaviour,his attitude.

Glitteryone · 09/06/2021 20:45

I think it was a really shit attempt at flirting with you

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 09/06/2021 20:46

@mbosnz

I'm just wondering how stupid some males must be to think that these comments are remotely humorous, or acceptable, in the workplace environment, in this day and age?

How they must have been failed by their families, and their schools.

I mean, really, it's not like this guy is now 27, and being hauled up on his unacceptable texts sent when he was 18, is he?

They're not. They just know that society will make excuses for them, play the world smallest violin about the possibility of "or worse" and put all the responsibility on the victim.
tigger1001 · 09/06/2021 20:46

@Thelnebriati

If everyone gives him one free pass he can get away with harassing every women in the company.
Exactly this.

And then when it goes too far management will ask why no one told them about what was happening

BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet · 09/06/2021 20:47

I doubt he would lose his job. Hopefully it would be made very very clear to him out completely unacceptable the comment was.

LegoPirateMonkey · 09/06/2021 20:47

Also, the characterisation of his message as an ‘off the cuff comment’ is so wrong. It’s calculated. She emailed on the work email system. He replied by private text. He knew not to send his response by email as a direct reply because he knew it was wrong. It wasn’t something he blurted out without thinking (and if it was, it would still show what a nasty little porn-addict he is and exactly how he views women). This was a considered and deliberate action on his part.

User135792468 · 09/06/2021 20:49

Tell him it’s inappropriate. Don’t report and ruin his career because of a silly joke made in the middle of the night. To be honest, I don’t think you should be emailing at that time anyway. Our company has a policy of no work emails between 7pm and 7am to allow people to disconnect as we all have work emails on our phones and feel obliged to reply.

User135792468 · 09/06/2021 20:50

Sorry, didn’t see the subsequent post of it being 7.45. I understood it was much earlier from your original post.

LegoPirateMonkey · 09/06/2021 20:52

@User135792468 she sent the email at 7.45am.

It wasn’t a ‘silly joke’. It was neither silly nor funny.

She isn’t ruining his career, if it gets ruined it’s because of his behaviour. His fault for doing it, not here for reporting it.

If his career is ruined, good. He won’t do it again and maybe the next man will learn not to do it in the first place.

headintheproverbial · 09/06/2021 20:52

It's definitely not ok.

I would not hesitate to report. He will likely lose his job.

SarahBellam · 09/06/2021 20:52

@Rubbishatchoosingusernames

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Oh look, the menz have arrived. Jesus Christ, nobody cares if you’re the boss of the world and have 500 crotch goblins. Whoop Dee Doo for you.

How on earth have you managed to make this dickhead the victim? A ‘man’ who thinks it’s ok to tell a colleague she shouldn’t bother with her job and should go off and sell nudes instead? Do you know how shit it is to be treated like a piece of meat in the workplace? We should never be silent on this - men and women should not be silent on this. It should straight up not be happening. It’s degrading and embarrassing, a means of trying to exert power and reduce (usually a) woman’s power and agency. So no, it’s not a joke, he does deserve to be called out on it, and we need bosses like you to stand up and say that everyone in an organisation should be treated with respect instead of a crappy ‘it’s just a joke’ weak cop out. We are seriously sick of this shit.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 09/06/2021 20:53

Do some posters live in an alternative universe where a man's career is oh so fragile?

He won't lose his job. Hmm

mbosnz · 09/06/2021 20:53

Again, if his texts that he willingly sent, are reported, and his career gets 'ruined' by it - the person that ruined his career is him. Not the unwilling recipient of his 'joke'.

His choices, his actions, his consequences. If we taught our kids this logical potential sequence of events, perhaps they'd be a little bit more aware of the possible consequences of their choices.

Not everyone is going to go 'awwww, bless, he's just a lad'.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 09/06/2021 20:54

Not that his career is OP's problem, of course.

Original poster
MapleSyrupMoose · 09/06/2021 20:55

I've read the whole thread and it feels like shit but I don't think I'll be reporting him. Seems like there's a not insignificant chance that it may be viewed as a compliment/joke, and I cannot run the risk of being ostracised for it. People don't say it here but back in Uni, my peers were already joking about how women in our industry were mostly 'diversity hires' or 'using their sexuality to get to the top' and, seeing the bigger picture, I do agree with PP that this might be what I'll be up against if I do make a report. Thanks for all your time.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 09/06/2021 20:56

OP, I'm so sorry, this sucks.

Ninkanink · 09/06/2021 20:56

It’s really shit, and hugely depressing.

NCh3000 · 09/06/2021 20:57

@MapleSyrupMoose

I've read the whole thread and it feels like shit but I don't think I'll be reporting him. Seems like there's a not insignificant chance that it may be viewed as a compliment/joke, and I cannot run the risk of being ostracised for it. People don't say it here but back in Uni, my peers were already joking about how women in our industry were mostly 'diversity hires' or 'using their sexuality to get to the top' and, seeing the bigger picture, I do agree with PP that this might be what I'll be up against if I do make a report. Thanks for all your time.
Flowers

Hope you feel ok

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