'Joke' or HR matter?

[MapleSyrupMoose]

New name as I don't want this linked to my other posts.

I absolutely adore my job and can sometimes get a bit obsessive about new projects. Last week, I was up cycling in the wee hours of the morning, had a sudden idea, and sent an email to a colleague of mine (work email address) regarding this. He almost immediately sent a message to my personal phone number saying, 'Wow you're up early', followed by one saying, 'I don't know why women like you bother working, you could probably sell nudes online and make a fortune'. I ignored him. We had a teams meeting a few hours later and I largely ignored him too. He then sent a message saying, 'Come on, it's just a joke'!

Would I be overreacting if I reported this to HR? Or should I just take it as a 'joke' and move on? We're about the same age (20s but I'm not sure if that matters) in the same role.

Why should women have to protect men from the consequences of their actions? They don't.

@MapleSyrupMoose I hate to say it and I don't mean this in a disrespectful way or anything, but it's likely that you aren't special to him and you're not the first or last woman he's been like this towards. So that's another good reason to report him if you feel able, so he thinks twice before doing it to others in future.

I agree with many posters that you should:
Tell him that his message was unacceptable
Ask him never to repeat it or anything like it
Keep a record of his messages and your response
Report him if he ever does anything like it again.

Thanks @Unsure33

I’m going to leave this post now. I shan’t engage anymore as people seem to not be able to be civil online.

I’ve said what I think is an appropriate response but am obviously going to be ridiculed.

I’m indeed just a silly lady who doesn’t ‘get it’.

I don't understand all the suggestions of taking notes and then saving them for next time it happens. Why should OP have to increase her mental load like that and be on edge for it happening again? He's treated OP poorly twice, there's no reason for her to be nice to him. He's not nice to her.

You have the potential to ruin someone’s life

If a comment made by someone is bad enough to ruin their life, then it deserves to be reported. Why should the OP put up and shut up?

@finallymightbehappening

And sorry, in the confines of behind a keyboard we can all be really strong and say report, inappropriate he should get fired. And of course he should. The reality in a workplace can be very different and the op could find herself on the end of ostracising behaviour or even just find the complaint not upheld and made to look a troublemaker. I'm not saying that's right or a reason not to report but you very much need to look at general culture. We don't know the nature of the op's role but her comments about uni would indicate its male dominated and misogynistic. Not a reason to stay silent but in her shoes I would be looking at the whole picture. We don't all have a personal responsibility to fight the cause sometimes the right thing is just to look out for ourselves.

A long time ago I knew of an employment tribunal case where the men in an office victimised a woman by putting salad cream and the like on her chair and spurted up the back of her jacket and would often say things that were highly inappropriate about her in her earshot. Totally vile. Management just dismissed it as normal office banter. She brought a claim but the negotiated settlement was derisory and really she lost out hugely due to loss of pension. None of the men were even disciplined. Thankfully we have moved on from this I hope.

Was that DeeAnn Fitzpatrick?

Who got tied up and gagged and then sacked for gross misconduct because of "false allegations"?

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-highlands-islands-50114977

@Ohtheplacesyougo

Thanks *@Unsure33*

I’m going to leave this post now. I shan’t engage anymore as people seem to not be able to be civil online.

I’ve said what I think is an appropriate response but am obviously going to be ridiculed.

I’m indeed just a silly lady who doesn’t ‘get it’.

Oh stop making this all about yourself. You tried to silence a woman.

Own it. Don't run away when called out for such disgraceful and harmful attitudes.

@Ohtheplacesyougo

Thanks *@Unsure33*

I’m going to leave this post now. I shan’t engage anymore as people seem to not be able to be civil online.

I’ve said what I think is an appropriate response but am obviously going to be ridiculed.

I’m indeed just a silly lady who doesn’t ‘get it’.

Why don’t you try and learn from the feedback rather than playing the victim and flouncing?

This thread is very disturbing on so many levels as to how many handmaids tale women think women should not report lest they ruin a man's life. Yeah, like who cares about the woman's life?

And this is why we have "why didn't you come forward sooner?" comments when someone comes out 20 years after. There is nothing as cruel, uncivilised and shameful as a woman telling another women she should suffer and be silent so the perpetrator doesn't have to face consequences. It's so disturbing in 2021 that there are women with that disgraceful mindset.

@bridgetreilly

Has nobody got a sense of humour any more?

Explain the joke to us then. Because all I'm seeing is a man telling his female work colleague that he has (a) thought her about naked, (b) suggested she could be an online porn model, and in doing so implied (c) that she shouldn't be in the workplace.

Hilarious.

Yes, this.

This is not a joke, and it’s not a compliment either.

I don't get it?

Women like you - what does that mean? As in you exercise and therefore must be fit?

If it’s the only time he has done something like that I’d probably speak to him or send him a message saying it made you feel uncomfortable and please don’t repeat that sort of comment. If it’s something he has done before or even hinted at I would go to hr.

@zoemum2006

I’d say “It was really unprofessional but I’ll cut you some slack. Once. Do it again and I’ll report you. Don’t test me on this.”

This is it. I'd say this.

If everyone gives him one free pass he can get away with harassing every women in the company.