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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Joke' or HR matter?

729 replies

MapleSyrupMoose · 09/06/2021 17:22

New name as I don't want this linked to my other posts.

I absolutely adore my job and can sometimes get a bit obsessive about new projects. Last week, I was up cycling in the wee hours of the morning, had a sudden idea, and sent an email to a colleague of mine (work email address) regarding this. He almost immediately sent a message to my personal phone number saying, 'Wow you're up early', followed by one saying, 'I don't know why women like you bother working, you could probably sell nudes online and make a fortune'. I ignored him. We had a teams meeting a few hours later and I largely ignored him too. He then sent a message saying, 'Come on, it's just a joke'!

Would I be overreacting if I reported this to HR? Or should I just take it as a 'joke' and move on? We're about the same age (20s but I'm not sure if that matters) in the same role.

OP posts:
Veryverycalmnow · 09/06/2021 19:32

I would report this prick for telling shit jokes!

Mamanyt · 09/06/2021 19:32

IF this is the first time he has been AT ALL inappropriate, tell him that you found it offensive, and that if something like that happens again, you will report it. Tell him this calmly, do not attack him with it. That happens if there is a repeat, when you DO go to HR.

Staffy1 · 09/06/2021 19:32

I wouldn't report it as it could cause them a load of trouble for a silly comment. I would tell them it wasn't appreciated if it bothered me that much, (but probably wouldn't, not that anyone ever would have made that sort of comment to me as it's never been even remotely applicable to me, no one would pay to see me nude, quite the opposite). Then if they did similar again I might consider reporting it.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 09/06/2021 19:34

Those that find it acceptable clearly have very low standards. A joke is funny, that's just gross and I'd report it.

Merchymor · 09/06/2021 19:36

@Staffy1

I wouldn't report it as it could cause them a load of trouble for a silly comment. I would tell them it wasn't appreciated if it bothered me that much, (but probably wouldn't, not that anyone ever would have made that sort of comment to me as it's never been even remotely applicable to me, no one would pay to see me nude, quite the opposite). Then if they did similar again I might consider reporting it.
Why shouldn't it cause them a load of trouble??
me4real · 09/06/2021 19:37

I would report it, it's inappropriate for work and creepy.

me4real · 09/06/2021 19:38

Men who act out of line often say it was 'just a joke' after.

mbosnz · 09/06/2021 19:38

Something another poster said really resonated with me. How many women have given this little creep a first chance?

Nocutenamesleft · 09/06/2021 19:39

I think that’s highly inappropriate

The women who say just a joke. Can’t ever get my head round that. Might be just a joke. But Where do you draw the line?

eaten · 09/06/2021 19:39

Not sure why people are saying to wait for a second incident. He doubled down on the joke, that's two incidents right there.

Clydesider · 09/06/2021 19:41

It concerns me that he sent his disgusting, inappropriate message to your personal phone. He thought about it enough not to reply via the work email the OP originally used. That speaks volumes to me about what he thinks of women and the OP.

I'd probably talk to my line manager about the situation and then go on from there. It's so wrong that behaviour still happens.

LivingInThe80s · 09/06/2021 19:41

[quote Ohtheplacesyougo]@LivingInThe80s but this lady hasn’t been abused and a completely different scenario to child and women sexual abuse which is completely abhorrent.

I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Your comment was unreasonable and just because I don’t agree with you I don’t expect to be spoken to like that. I made it very clear the scenarios were different but people should act with caution when reporting if in doubt - which the OP obviously is.

So, please do not compare with child abuse - you are trivialising it.[/quote]
@Ohtheplacesyougo You don't seem to get it. I didn't say she was abused, I said it is YOUR ATTITUDE that is the sort of thing that silences children and women who have been abused. If you can't see that, you have more to be ashamed of than what I thought. Hmm All abuse starts with LANGUAGE. Not just physical abuse. Suggesting the woman shut up so as 'not to ruin his life', IS exactly the attitude that sees abuses of ALL types; verbal, physical or sexual, get away with it. You attempting to silence her. And that makes you an absolute disgrace.

Unsure33 · 09/06/2021 19:41

@LivingInThe80s

But the man has NOT a done any of the things you mention so on the information provided your comparison is not appropriate .

Hardly anyone is saying it’s funny .

Most of the advice has been to tell him what he said is inappropriate and not funny and that the poster should not sweep it under the carpet but make it clear it must never happen again.

PollyDarton1 · 09/06/2021 19:43

Massively inappropriate and he knows that given he replied to your personal phone.

Would I go to HR? No - but I would definitely be having a word with my manager and/or a word upfront with your colleague, and perhaps send him a few informative articles about how to better himself in regards to his views on women.

ChrisOnTheBeach · 09/06/2021 19:44

@LivingInThe80s

You don't seem to get it. I didn't say she was abused, I said it is YOUR ATTITUDE that is the sort of thing that silences children and women who have been abused. If you can't see that, you have more to be ashamed of than what I thought. hmm All abuse starts with LANGUAGE. Not just physical abuse. Suggesting the woman shut up so as 'not to ruin his life', IS exactly the attitude that sees abuses of ALL types; verbal, physical or sexual, get away with it. You attempting to silence her. And that makes you an absolute disgrace.

Agree with this. ^

LivingInThe80s · 09/06/2021 19:45

[quote Unsure33]@LivingInThe80s

But the man has NOT a done any of the things you mention so on the information provided your comparison is not appropriate .

Hardly anyone is saying it’s funny .

Most of the advice has been to tell him what he said is inappropriate and not funny and that the poster should not sweep it under the carpet but make it clear it must never happen again.[/quote]
Are people on here really this unable to actually think and see correlation and effect?

To say because he hasn't abused a child or raped a woman that that means it is not a form of silencing is ridiculous. Can you honestly not see the link, without being so literal you think I am accusing him of those things?

N0tfinished · 09/06/2021 19:46

Shitty thing to do. I think standard practice is to tell him personally first that his 'joke' wasn't acceptable & please keep your communication professional. Any further incidents are for HR

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 09/06/2021 19:46

@LegoPirateMonkey

The ‘you have the potential to ruin a man’s life’ thing is a particularly vicious and hateful myth.

1.5% of reported rapes are charged. Rape is illegal and rape genuinely can and does ruin women’s lives, all the time. But for every 99 rapes committed, only one will be prosecuted. False accusations are extremely rare.

Rape exists in a culture which seeks to excuse and minimise it at every turn. A culture which values women for their sexual appeal above all else and demeans and dehumanises them (why do you have a job, you could just do porn). A culture which tells women they should laugh off harassment. That they shouldn’t report a man for his behaviour, that they can’t take a joke, that they’ll ruin his life.

How many women have been intimidated out of jobs, promotions, workplaces? How many women have had their lives made smaller and more uncomfortable because of men’s entitlement and men’s predatory behaviour?

Why don’t women’s lives matter as much as men’s?

This. Completely ignores the man and the fact that he has agency over his actions and puts all the responsibility on the victim.

Men (actually all people) have the potential to ruin their lives with their words or behaviours. They have a choice whether to say those words or do those behaviours. They know the consequences. They do it anyways. If they don't care about their lives/reputations/careers, why should we?

MiniCooperLover · 09/06/2021 19:47

There's a reason you messaged on a work email and he replied on a personal number ... he doesn't want it tracked

SamusIsAGirl · 09/06/2021 19:47

She won't ruin his life if he does get sacked from a disciplinary - he did it himself. Did someone hold a gun to his head when he wrote it?

LivingInThe80s · 09/06/2021 19:48

PS @Unsure33 By not going to HR, posters are indeed recommending she sweep it under the carpet.

How many 'first times' has he said similar to women and never been called on it or had to face consequences because he 'should only be told off first'? Hence will continue to say these things to women?

me4real · 09/06/2021 19:49

It is a kind of abuse, it's sexual harrassment. www.employmentlawhelp.org/sexual-harassment/coworker-inappropriate-text

looptheloopinahulahoop · 09/06/2021 19:50

@N0tfinished

Shitty thing to do. I think standard practice is to tell him personally first that his 'joke' wasn't acceptable & please keep your communication professional. Any further incidents are for HR
Yes I agree with this.
JollyJlly · 09/06/2021 19:51

Report. Report. Report. Totally unacceptable.

billy1966 · 09/06/2021 19:52

He sounds like a real gobshite.

Sending it to your phone.

Then defending it when he knows you are not amused.

I think creating a paper trail via your manager, sending him/her a screen shot of what you were sent and requesting he be spoken to.

He's an arrogant little shit to think he can behave like that.

If he gets fired perhaps he will learn from it, perhaps not.

He sounds like the type that would blame OP because he has zero self awareness....which is NOT her problem.

OP should not have to put up with this.
It is not HER job, to protect HIS.
End of.