Child hits parent, parent rewards the behaviour. Shit parenting no?

[Gingersundodger]

NC for this as I do most things that could be identifying if linked to precious posts.

I'm a mother of 2, step mother of 2.

I've just come off the phone with DH who was picking up DSC from school.

He rang me to say he was en route back but held up as he had an incident with DSC2, age 8.5

He told them he'd get them both a slush from the shop near school but when they got there the machine was out of order. DSC2 lost his shit, threw his bag and sun glasses across the road and sat on the pavement shouting at DH. The kick off continued and DSC lashed out at DH hitting and pinching him.

After relaying all of this to me DH says "It's ok now, I got him a slush from somewhere else so he's alright"

Am I being unreasonable to take issue with him for rewarding such behaviour? Not least because he has an example to set to our children aswell, DH that is.

What a piss poor example of parenting.

If linked to my PREVIOUS* posts I mean.

I have a similar aged child. If he had behaved in that way with me, he most certainly would not be getting a slushy from a different shop and would also face further sanctions for the violent behaviour. An 8 year old should not be throwing things, hitting or pinching anyone.

Would he reward them if they hit you? Or hit each other?

To add to my post as I posted too soon.

I told DH straight over the phone that I couldn't believe he'd rewarded such behaviour and it's totally unacceptable, he just swiftly moved the conversation on.

They'll be here in a minute and I'll be expected to be all Mary Poppins, as though nothing had happened.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Would he reward them if they hit you? Or hit each other?

Very good question!

If he ever hit me there would be sanctions imposed by me, clearly it's ok to hit DH though.

It's concerning because by rewarding the behaviour and sweeping it under the carpet he's essentially showing him that it's acceptable to assault people when you're angry.

This is something my DH would do with my step children. Even when DsD has been grounded if I am not home he will let her out to the park. It's frustrating!

I guarantee as soon as they get in DSC2 will ask to go on the PlayStation and DH will let him. Unbelievable.

Hide the playstation and send him to his room then.

Not sure whether I'm only meaning the child though.. Feel like the adult needs punished too for being stupid.

How often are they seeing their dad?
And yes, it’s really weak parenting.

Thing is, it's his child so his decision. That said, I'd have a quiet word with him about it because it's awful Disney parenting. I also suspect DSC kicked off because he's learned that this kind of behaviour will get him what he wants.

They're here weekends and once in the week.

I'm mightily pissed off with DH, in a way it's no wonder DSS behaves like this if there are never consequences.

It's not the first time it's happened either.

If I get involved over the use of the PlayStation he'll erupt again and I'll be the bad one, not that I give a toss mind, but anything I do is pointless it I don't have DH's backing.

I have to ask.
There is no drip feed here that the child is autistic, had an episode, and then used appropriate techniques to get it under control?

Because if there is, then moving on and finding a slush would be acceptable.

@pointythings

Thing is, it's his child so his decision. That said, I'd have a quiet word with him about it because it's awful Disney parenting. I also suspect DSC kicked off because he's learned that this kind of behaviour will get him what he wants.

I can see where you're coming from.

My issue is that he's also the father to my two and inconsistency across the board isn't acceptable and will cause a divide.

I'm not a super strict parent and can overlook a bit of cheek but draw the line at violence. DH is showing all 4 children that it's ok to hit.

I'd personally step up and do the parenting myself when he gets home if DH is too weak to manage it. If DSC wants to go on the PS I'd say 'daddy told me you behaved very badly at the shop, so there won't be any playstation tonight'.

It's very unkind to children not to set them any boundaries for their behaviour, because at some point they are going to come up against people who won;t tolerate any nonsense and it will hit them harder - also they on;t learn to regulate their own behaviour because they won't have had an example of good behaviour = reward, bad behaviour = consequence.

The child is only 8 - your DH needs to guide him and help him learn to behave nicely - sounds as if he is already showing signs of age inappropriate tantruming because it hasn't been nipped in the bud - he'll just end up embarrassing himself in front of his friends.

That crossed my mind too Castlepeak - sounds like the exact type of episode I often have with my autistic dd

First rule : don't ever promise kids stuff that may not actually happen I. E. Slush.

Second rule : zero tolerance for violence towards parents.

I saw the same thing at the weekend, a five year old kicking his mother because he was bored waiting for his brother. She pathetically said 'oh, stop it baby, stop it' while he rolled on the floor. He's 5, ffs!

@Castlepeak

I have to ask. There is no drip feed here that the child is autistic, had an episode, and then used appropriate techniques to get it under control?

Because if there is, then moving on and finding a slush would be acceptable.

This with bells on.

@Gingersundodger would your DH tolerate the same behaviour from one of your DCs together, or is it only your DSC that he will parent like this?

This is exactly why so many children, are so badly behaved. My Dad would have slapped me in to next week if I did this. Mind you, I would never have dared to be so disrespectful.

Who the fuck is in charge here? Clearly the 8 year old. Beyond ridiculous.

@Castlepeak

I have to ask. There is no drip feed here that the child is autistic, had an episode, and then used appropriate techniques to get it under control?

Because if there is, then moving on and finding a slush would be acceptable.

He doesn't have any diagnoses no.

It is pathetic pandering to terrible behaviour because he doesn't want to be "bad dad" and tell him off, as he richly deserves. Disney Dad syndrome.

How does he behave with your own 2 children (or are they much younger?). If he ends up showing double standards (DSS getting away with behaviour that yours don't) that's a recipe for resentment and disaster ahead too.

He needs to wake up and realise what he's doing (being a piss poor parent).

[quote AssassinatedBeauty]@Gingersundodger would your DH tolerate the same behaviour from one of your DCs together, or is it only your DSC that he will parent like this? [/quote]
Good question. I really don't know. It hasn't happened yet, touch wood.

They're very young.

Very weak parenting. I'd have to sit down and have a conversation re boundaries/consequences for bad behaviour etc.

@Cushionsnotpillows

It is pathetic pandering to terrible behaviour because he doesn't want to be "bad dad" and tell him off, as he richly deserves. Disney Dad syndrome.

How does he behave with your own 2 children (or are they much younger?). If he ends up showing double standards (DSS getting away with behaviour that yours don't) that's a recipe for resentment and disaster ahead too.

He needs to wake up and realise what he's doing (being a piss poor parent).

Mine are 2 and 3.5

If they're misbehaving, which of course they do, he has no problem telling them off.

For example "DS, get down now. Stop that or no (insert whatever)"

They have squabbles between them where one will shove the other and he'll tell the affressor off.

Tell the aggressor off* but neither of them have gone through a stage of hitting either of us.