Child hits parent, parent rewards the behaviour. Shit parenting no?

[Gingersundodger]

NC for this as I do most things that could be identifying if linked to precious posts.

I'm a mother of 2, step mother of 2.

I've just come off the phone with DH who was picking up DSC from school.

He rang me to say he was en route back but held up as he had an incident with DSC2, age 8.5

He told them he'd get them both a slush from the shop near school but when they got there the machine was out of order. DSC2 lost his shit, threw his bag and sun glasses across the road and sat on the pavement shouting at DH. The kick off continued and DSC lashed out at DH hitting and pinching him.

After relaying all of this to me DH says "It's ok now, I got him a slush from somewhere else so he's alright"

Am I being unreasonable to take issue with him for rewarding such behaviour? Not least because he has an example to set to our children aswell, DH that is.

What a piss poor example of parenting.

I do not think it is right or appropriate to get in to a loud exchange with your child over his behaviour. That is embarrassing, irrational and doesn't work!! There is no weakness in behaving like an adult, ignoring it and then when things have calmed to provide the slushy as an adult does not use food as a reward IMO! I think it is weak when an adult loses grip of their emotions and starts having a slanging match with their child to the embarrassment of themselves and everyone around them."

Has anyone suggested getting into a "loud exchange", or losing grip of their emotions and having a "slanging match"?? This is your imagination run riot. No one is suggesting this, or trying to defend it.

That's a good way to teach his child if he hits someone and throws a strop he'll be rewarded.

But if the Dad had objected at the point of the child's intense upset, the outcome will be lots of heightened emotions, verbal exchanges that will be loud by the nature of the upset. I actually think some people are advocating that as it is the showing them who is boss philosophy! It is nothing to do with my imagination. Arguably, the description from the OP maybe lots to do with imagination as she wasn't there, it portrays a very extreme scene as it maybe fits with that already think about the child which doesn't appear very positive. I think what the Dad did was fine, it was the adult decision, ignore the hysteria and move on, the OP said he talked about it with him afterwards so it sounds like a logical plan. What is wrong with what he did as I'm failing to understand? Most of the suggestions are punitive ones and I don't think it works and often aggravates a situation. It is ok for me not believe in punitive measures when bringing up children. I don't agree with it and I'm afraid that has to be accepted.

Challenging a child at the time of an outburst is not a wise parental technique, the child is allowed to have strong feelings about something, they shouldn't be expressing their upset in a way that is disproportionate to events or in a way that harms someone but there is no point in trying to indicate your upset with that behaviour in the moment it is happening, you need to wait for them to calm down. I think the Dad had it right as that's what he did! So again what is the suggestion if it isn't that?

Only if you see a sugary iced drink as a reward surely?

You would have known what type of parent your dh is when you met him, given he already had two kids.

You chose to go ahead and make two more with him. It is too late to critique his parenting, people don't change.

@Goldenbear

Challenging a child at the time of an outburst is not a wise parental technique, the child is allowed to have strong feelings about something, they shouldn't be expressing their upset in a way that is disproportionate to events or in a way that harms someone but there is no point in trying to indicate your upset with that behaviour in the moment it is happening, you need to wait for them to calm down. I think the Dad had it right as that's what he did! So again what is the suggestion if it isn't that?

You're sounding more and more bizarre with every (numerous) post. I will never agree that there is no point in indicating my upset with a child while they are doing something as dangerous as throwing their bag into a road and hitting me. I will not allow my child to express their feelings by hitting me or anybody else and throwing their bag into a road, which is extremely dangerous. I will not ignore that. If you believe that to be unwise then so be it. I fail to see your argument for allowing this as superior parenting. Sometimes, for their own safety and that of others, a child just needs to be told to stop it. Yes, loudly if necessary. If a child flung a bag into the road as you were driving down it, causing you to swerve or whatever and saw his parent ignore that, would you honestly think, oh gee, I can see that child is just expressing his feelings and the dad is absolutely correct to ignore that and allow him to hit him? Or would you think, what on earth? That parent needs to get that child to a safer place and deal with it there? This was a hugely public tantrum which could have actually caused some damage or an accident. But you seen to be certain that OP's husband or OP herself has lied about what went on. Utterly bizarre.

I agree it's shit parenting, but the thread title threw me. @Gingersundodger Surely you meant 'shit parenting yes?'

Hardly, 'bizarre' because I don't happen to agree with you, ok then. It is fine for me to have my opinion on the situation and it doesn't happen to agree with yours.

You really are extrapolating there, you weren't on the road, you didn't witness this did you? For all we know the bag throwing may have been a hugely dramatic affair as you are suggesting, equally it could have been dumped in the gutter. How is challenging the child at that point going to help. If it had nearly hit a car wouldn't the Dad have said. When have said I don't believe the Dad, I have said the opposite, I agree with what he has done and the approach to talking to him when he is calm. Don't challenge and tell off in the moment, if it is a dangerous situation the priority is making it safe surely?

I said maybe there is something else behind this, is he jealous of the other DC, the OPs having them full time. How long did they have their Dad fulltime, maybe he feels bereft. He is obviously an angry and sad child, I would want to work out why if it was my child as yes, their happiness is very important to me. Hardly a 'bizarre' notion.

My NT DD (9) regularly hits me. It is so problematic that I have had to seek specialist external advice. I am not a shit parent. I have two other children who have not and do not hit me. I was a children's social worker. I know, applied and consistently battle through positive parenting, NVR, low arousal, red lines, house rules, grey rock response, rewards and consequences, emotion diaries, fucking wellbeing boxes and on and on. None of them have made a blind bit of difference. My DD is angry with the world because she is destabilised and constantly unsettled because she is court ordered to live at two different houses. The posters writing 'little shit' about this 8 year old child and 'disney dad, shit parenting' are taking a very complex situation and making it into a black and white issue. Parenting children like this isn't black and white.

Definitely remove playstation. Tell him that is consequence of him hitting DH. You need to.tslk to DH alone and make him understand he is not doing the child any favours making him unsociable and he will end up with no friends if he rewards bad and aggressive behaviour. I would be furious with DH. No sex tonight.

Id be massively fucked off if my ex picked my kids up from school, gave them a slushy and them dropped them back off leaving me to deal with hyper kids.

I'm not sure what your looking for here OP. You know the situation is a car crash.

The 'little shits' comments speaks volumes about the kind of parent someone is.

They are your husbands children, he can parent as he pleases...is it ideal, no...but he only has them part time, and I can understand him not wanting to discipline his children in that time, its not great parenting, but I can understand why he did it. I can imagine that having 4 children, 2 of which live with you and 2 of which do only pt must be very guilt inducing.

@Goldenbear

The 'little shits' comments speaks volumes about the kind of parent someone is.

There have been only 4 posters who have used that phrase in 115-odd messages, one of which was you. None of the other 3 are the OP. Only 2 posters have used it as an actual description of children. Not sure why you're picking up on it as something significant to discuss.

You've misunderstood- it was a passing comment not a discussion point.