Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Child hits parent, parent rewards the behaviour. Shit parenting no?

116 replies

Gingersundodger · 09/06/2021 15:54

NC for this as I do most things that could be identifying if linked to precious posts.

I'm a mother of 2, step mother of 2.

I've just come off the phone with DH who was picking up DSC from school.

He rang me to say he was en route back but held up as he had an incident with DSC2, age 8.5

He told them he'd get them both a slush from the shop near school but when they got there the machine was out of order. DSC2 lost his shit, threw his bag and sun glasses across the road and sat on the pavement shouting at DH. The kick off continued and DSC lashed out at DH hitting and pinching him.

After relaying all of this to me DH says "It's ok now, I got him a slush from somewhere else so he's alright"

Am I being unreasonable to take issue with him for rewarding such behaviour? Not least because he has an example to set to our children aswell, DH that is.

What a piss poor example of parenting.

OP posts:

Goldenbear · 09/06/2021 16:23

I'm not sure, he's 8 it's not that old, it's slightly sensationalist to say he is, 'violent'. Is it to do with the limited time the child is at yours? Do your children live with you? Is the 8 year old jealous of the time 'their Dad' has with them. I have a 9 year old and I don't view them as 'old' in terms of their impulsiveness. I have a teenager and I don't think he is too old to sometimes let his emotions het the better of him. However, he is too old to hit and he would never do that, he is the most chilled out person you could meet. The child obviously has strong feelings about the situation whatever the reason, heat, tiredness etc. Imo it is better to understand the motivation and tell them calmly why that is not ok.

pointythings · 09/06/2021 16:23

He can't be allowed to treat his oldest differently from the younger 2, and it sounds as if you have sensible boundaries in for them. So this is going to be about his guilt about not being with his eldest full time. That needs nipping in the bud because he's doing nobody any favours - not you, not any of his DC, not his ex either.

Feedingthebirds1 · 09/06/2021 16:24

For example "DS, get down now. Stop that or no (insert whatever)"

Does he implement further consequences if they don't stop?

notapizzaeater · 09/06/2021 16:27

Are you sure there's no underlying issues ? Most 8 year olds wouldn't act that way. How is he in school ?

Goldenbear · 09/06/2021 16:27

I can see why you think 8 is old when you have toddlers but it really isn't they are not fully grown adults with the temperament that should go with that. Do you think the 8 year old wants the attention your other two have off your DH all of the time. It must be quite tough for them.

Goldenbear · 09/06/2021 16:29

It might need 'nipping in the bud' but you don't have to treat children as your adversaries in doing that. You can be compassionate and kind and not punitive.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 09/06/2021 16:30

Maybe stamp your feet and flail your arms about that to want a new handbag and he had better buy you one when he gets home. .

Goldenbear · 09/06/2021 16:33

That's bot comparable at all though as the OP is an adult. Since when was the test of acceptable, civilised behaviour akin to an 8 year old child? He is not even at the age of criminal responsibility- for a reason!!

AssassinatedBeauty · 09/06/2021 16:36

Do many people really think it's typical for an 8 year old to throw his things across a road, and then hit and pinch their parent because a shop didn't have what they wanted? To me that seems like a pretty extreme response.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 09/06/2021 16:37

Her dh can see what sort of adult his ds is going to turn into... An entitled grabby one.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 09/06/2021 16:39

Is this the norm for DSS?

It's not bad parenting to let it go if it only happens once in a blue moon ,especially if there might be underlying issues.

It happened a few times with DD, massive blow out over something really silly or ridiculous. Kept calm, had a discussion about appropriate behaviour and then moved on whatever that meant. She either was very tired/poorly/hot or had issues at school or all of the above and it just came out in a massive meltdown.

Goldenbear · 09/06/2021 16:42

Children mature at different levels so maybe it is normal for the child. Equally, did it happen I that extreme way or has this become exaggerated on route.

You can solve the problem in many ways is my point, maybe the child has strong emotions that they need to be taught how to handle. It's not all a life doomed for goodness sake, get a grip!

Musntgrumble2021 · 09/06/2021 16:44

Goldenbear

I agree. Important to understand what was causing the behaviour first before then deciding on appropriate action. In the short term stopping it from escalating and keeping everyone safe is the priority but until you understand what caused the overwhelm for him it’s hard to know what consequence would help him to develop more appropriate ways of expressing himself and how to manage overwhelming emotions. It’s not as clear cut as it seems.

I would be interested to hear the fathers rationale. He might have decided short term to give him the treat to calm him down with a plan to then discuss the behaviour when calm and can take it in and learn, put in an appropriate boundary and a plan for next time. May be not.

sandyandkirsten · 09/06/2021 16:45

When you say "he has no diagnoses" is that to say that you suspect there may be neurodiversity present there but it hasn't been diagnosed?

TheoMeo · 09/06/2021 16:49

You could start a conversation perhaps at meal times -

'Do you hate your Dad?'
'Why do you want to hit him?'

Hopefully he will look a bit sheepish, as will DH

Goldenbear · 09/06/2021 16:50

If my child felt that strongly and that upset about a slushy, I'd want to know what was upsetting them really, what is the underlying issue here? The child may have thrown the bag in a vigorous way, it ended up in the road, he shouted as he was upset, frustrated that he wasn't getting a cool treat on a hot day, the day he sees his Dad. Children do shout. They also get upset by things that are insignificant to adults, they do also sometimes lash out physically. Again I wouldn't say it is 'huge'. If you think it is, you should know that it is a long road ahead when your toddlers hit the teenage years, you will be fretting and worrying and they will ignore you and do things anyway, what are you going to do then? Lock them in a room! You need to get beyond punitive and work out why this young child is hurting!

Original poster

Gingersundodger · 09/06/2021 16:51

@sandyandkirsten

When you say "he has no diagnoses" is that to say that you suspect there may be neurodiversity present there but it hasn't been diagnosed?

The thought has crossed my mind that something might be going on because he's very explosive and always has been, much more so than his brother.

However nobody else is concerned, so it's not my place to say there's something wrong iykwim.

This happens once every fortnight or so, usually after he doesn't get his way.

No marked problems at home or school. He's a happy child in general just explosive when things don't go his way.

OP posts:

Musntgrumble2021 · 09/06/2021 16:51

All human beings at any age can lose their cool and behave in uncharacteristic or unacceptable ways. I like to consider myself a kind, calm and caring person. That’s what I aim for. But sometimes if I’m over tired, stressed, hormonal etc I can be a cow. I vented at a rubbish customer services operator once who was rubbish but I shouldn’t have expressed it so bluntly. But I did because I was at the end of my tether. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. Just that I need to take better care of myself and not deal with that stuff when I’m in that state. I’m a fully grown and well resourced adult. At 8 your brain and nervous system is still developing and isn’t fully mature until mid 20s.

It’s not that we should accept bad behaviour but if we understand it we can help children to better understand themselves and learn alternatives.

AssassinatedBeauty · 09/06/2021 16:55

Why does not wanting to reward violent and aggressive behaviour equal being punitive? There is a huge range of possible responses between giving him want he wants and locking him in his room.

Goldenbear · 09/06/2021 16:59

How would it help the boy to take away the thing he's looking forward to? It seems unnecessarily and just about proving who is the boss. It doesn't help with discussions about why he is behaving like this. I was talking about teenagers with the locking in the room comment as this is the easy stuff, if you don't know how to 'talk' to your children and just power trip with the punishments it rarely works.

Goldenbear · 09/06/2021 17:00

We don't know how 'violent' it appeared. That's the OPs conclusion and they weren't there.

Original poster

Gingersundodger · 09/06/2021 17:04

@Goldenbear

We don't know how 'violent' it appeared. That's the OPs conclusion and they weren't there.

Well according to DH he was punched several times and pinched.

DSS isn't a large boy, thankfully, so he hasn't caused any injuries, but it was violent.

If he did it to a child his age then that child would be really hurt and shaken up.

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 09/06/2021 17:04

"if you don't know how to 'talk' to your children and just power trip with the punishments it rarely works."

This is quite a patronising comment. It is utterly possible to talk to your children, find out what's going on and resolve it with kindness whilst also making it clear that aggression (throwing, hitting, pinching) is unacceptable and won't get you what you want.

minipie · 09/06/2021 17:05

Like PP I do wonder if a) DSS maybe has underlying difficulties with emotional regulation (DD does and behaves like this occasionally) and b) DSS was overheated from a very hot day at school/journey home.

Not to say he should therefore be allowed to behave like this, but it may explain things.

Original poster

Gingersundodger · 09/06/2021 17:07

@minipie how do you handle it when your DD reacts like DSS please?

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread