Child hits parent, parent rewards the behaviour. Shit parenting no?

[Gingersundodger]

NC for this as I do most things that could be identifying if linked to precious posts.

I'm a mother of 2, step mother of 2.

I've just come off the phone with DH who was picking up DSC from school.

He rang me to say he was en route back but held up as he had an incident with DSC2, age 8.5

He told them he'd get them both a slush from the shop near school but when they got there the machine was out of order. DSC2 lost his shit, threw his bag and sun glasses across the road and sat on the pavement shouting at DH. The kick off continued and DSC lashed out at DH hitting and pinching him.

After relaying all of this to me DH says "It's ok now, I got him a slush from somewhere else so he's alright"

Am I being unreasonable to take issue with him for rewarding such behaviour? Not least because he has an example to set to our children aswell, DH that is.

What a piss poor example of parenting.

Have you posted about them before - has he hit and caused a head injury to your child? If so as always this is a DH issue

They'll be here in a minute and I'll be expected to be all Mary Poppins, as though nothing had happened.

You weren’t there and the behaviour wasn’t directed at you, so why wouldn’t you be welcoming and caring of him. Your issue is with your partner not parenting in a way you want him too, nothing to do with the child. I don’t think it’s reasonable for you to punish him for something that his dad has already dealt with regardless of whether you think he deserves a more firm hand.

I don’t think escalating an issue with an already fractious child in public is wise. Much better to help him calm down and talk it through later than issue punishments when he’s in a state. I don’t think the slushy would be seen as a reward, so much as a parent fulfilling their promise to a child. The two are separate.

@Quartz2208

Have you posted about them before - has he hit and caused a head injury to your child? If so as always this is a DH issue

Hello yes I'm that poster

He didn't hit DD, he dropped her from standing height which is how she got hurt.

@AssassinatedBeauty

Do many people really think it's typical for an 8 year old to throw his things across a road, and then hit and pinch their parent because a shop didn't have what they wanted? To me that seems like a pretty extreme response.

No it isn’t typical behaviour for that age, I have 3 boys and I work in a school.

I can only think that he was very hot and tired, and had possibly had a bad day at school. Even so that behaviour should not be rewarded.

Honestly? If DD did this I would be furious with her and no DD would not get the slushie, and there might be other consequences too, definitely a long chat about her behaviour. But - and here is the thing about having a child with SN - I have learned that my reacting like this makes no real difference to the likelihood of her doing the same thing next time in a similar scenario (especially if she’s tired, hot, hungry etc). She is simply not capable of controlling herself in those circumstances despite me having been firm and consistent her whole life. So in some ways, I’m being firm for the sake of my own/other people’s idea of “good parenting” rather than because it makes a difference. And sometimes I think I’m doing more harm than good.

No idea whether your DSS has underlying issues or not, of course.

THen the issues are still the same I think here and his parenting is still failing all of his children, I remember the excellent advice you received on the previous threads I do think you need to start the process

Better parenting would have been your DH noticing it’s hot, bringing cold water to school pick up, taking DSS home the shady way; and if slushies were mentioned then heavily managing expectations about maybe it won’t be available etc.

@Quartz2208

THen the issues are still the same I think here and his parenting is still failing all of his children, I remember the excellent advice you received on the previous threads I do think you need to start the process

Thank you Quartz, I think you're right.

FGS! Why must “child behaves like a little shit” always equal “Must have a diagnoses?” Is it any wonder that so many children are growing up as little shits and consequently turning out to be vile adults when misbehaving has suddenly become a diagnosable trend instead of something which needs to be addressed?

As for the “he’s only 8,” comments, how far do you take that? If a 3 year old hits and punches and you don’t address it, then it will become a 5 year old who hits and punches, still too young to be disciplined? Oh well, in 3 years time he’ll be an 8 year old who hits and punches which is apparently still too young, so best leave it until he’s 11 then,but wait, he’s just starting secondary school so mustn’t address it because he’s still young, or maybe address it except that for him what was recently acceptable behaviour has suddenly been taken away and the chances of it having any effect will be less.

And before you know it your 8 year old who you can’t possibly punish is a man beating the shit out of his girlfriend because he didn’t get his own way, or indulging in punch-ups on a Saturday night.

At 8 he is bloody well old enough to understand that what he’s done is wrong, and is also bloody well old enough to understand that if he hits and punches it doesn’t matter because there aren’t any consequences.

He didn't hit DD, he dropped her from standing height which is how she got hurt.

^

Sounds like you've plenty on your plate, op.

I agree with alternative. You're setting your child up for a hard fall come adulthood if your persistently excuse terrible behaviour.

WTAF! He's a complete wet blanket.

but anything I do is pointless it I don't have DH's backing.
No. Never think this, yourdh has to learn but in the meantime your child needs you!!!

I knew the moment I read your OP exactly who you were. You obviously have DH problems, but from previous threads it’s also clear that you don’t really like your DSS that much. You keep receiving the same advice, but continuously name change and then post about how awful your SS is and how ineffectual your DH is. What’s the point? You’re just hearing more of what you already know. It seems like this situation is untenable and you need to make the decision to leave, but I suspect you’ll still be making similar posts six months from now.

He's also teaching him that the way to get what you want is by having a massive tantrum, not just that it's ok to lash out when you feel angry!
Really difficult though, in reality, to stick to your well-thought-out parenting principles when it's hot and everyone's tired and a bit pissed off. I'm very sympathetic with that!

I'd be bringing it up when everything is calm and making sure your stepson knows it's ok to feel angry and ok to say you feel angry, but NOT to then lash out.

@Foldinthecheese

I knew the moment I read your OP exactly who you were. You obviously have DH problems, but from previous threads it’s also clear that you don’t really like your DSS that much. You keep receiving the same advice, but continuously name change and then post about how awful your SS is and how ineffectual your DH is. What’s the point? You’re just hearing more of what you already know. It seems like this situation is untenable and you need to make the decision to leave, but I suspect you’ll still be making similar posts six months from now.

If you had read my previous threads properly you'd not be claiming it's clear I don't like DSS.

I'm always coming from the angle of having a DH problem.

You know, in reality, it's not as easy as LTB.

I'm maybe coming from another angle, but some children find it incredibly difficult to cope with change and to control their emotions.
Showing anger and frustration is normal, but he needs guiding to behave appropriately.

It wouldn't be unreasonable to pull him aside and have a chat with him about the fact that, even when he's angry/disappointed it IS NOT okay to hit anybody, especially somebody we love and care about.
Maybe he needs to be made to apologise to daddy.

But anyway, he's full of e-numbers and colourings now from the reward slushie, so good luck!!

This sounds very extreme.Maybe he's not well?

So this is how a child learns that total outrage equals reward. no wonder kids do it very very poor parenting,trouble is it make s the parents look so stupid as they can't say NO

So outstandingly ignorant, short sighted and unimaginative to think in this reductive way to think about parenting! If you aren't punitive you produce brats - what a load of rubbish! Mumsnet used to be enlightening as there existed a variety of considered opinions on how to bring up children. Frankly, it is depressing to read.

The worst behaved children I know all have strict parents that are very good at saying, 'no' but not very good at trying to understand how to do things better.

My friend works in a shop and I called in to get some ice lollies for my kids on the way home from school. She said she'd had a huge amount of stressed out parents and children today because the kids are all so exhausted from a hot clammy day in school. I'm assuming your step son was desperately looking forward to that slush to cool down and lost control of his emotions. Maybe he was genuinely apologetic and extremely remorseful once he'd calmed down. Maybe cut him some slack until you know what happened.

Understanding why he behaved like this is not excusing it or letting him off the hook. Understanding his developmental stage is not saying it’s ok or ‘normal’ to behave like this. It’s working out the triggers and causes to help him to develop and learn for next time. Consequences and learning don’t have to be punitive, angry and in the moment. In fact, when we are in that state we don’t tend to be able to hear properly or take things in. Giving the slushie might not have been the best move but we have no idea what the fathers thought processes were. I can imagine finding the slushie to calm things down in the short term but then having a discussion when things were cooler about the behaviour and putting in a different consequence that was more likely to lead to learning and a different outcome.

@Goldenbear

The worst behaved children I know all have strict parents that are very good at saying, 'no' but not very good at trying to understand how to do things better.

I’ve got to say that’s not my experience.

Goldenbear, you can say "no" whilst also understanding your child. It's not one or the other as you seem to think.