Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being a dick to ask for the money back?

427 replies

Youresogolden · 09/06/2021 13:30

Went out a few weeks ago for mums play date/brunch. I ended up paying for a friend there as she forgot her purse, big confusion as paid for her drink but then she took the change given by the waiter (which was mine) so she owed me £10. She texted later laughing about her mistake and saying we’d have to meet and she’d give it to me. I said no worries etc and left it at that. We’re due to go for another play date/brunch with lots of mums on Friday, arranged by her as she lives nearby. Would I be being a dick to text beforehand asking if she could give me the tenner so I can get brunch for Dd and myself? Or should I wait to see if she offers to pay for it..? She’s very scatty, disorganised and forgetful, so she may have forgotten..just I’m quite skint this week and it would help?

OP posts:
GuildfordGal · 09/06/2021 16:00

she said she would give you the money back when she next sees you. And if she doesn't, she might have forgotten rather than it being her 'true character' and in that instance, you act as an adult and just ask for it back

This. She hasn't broken her word. She said she would pay you when she sees you. As above, if she doesn't, ask her for it.

Some of the comments on this thread, calling her a thief and so on, are outrageous. This is a friend of the OP's - I'm slightly aghast at how quickly people apparently judge their friends and are prepared to label them 'thieves.'

I can't recall being in a position to need to borrow money, but I have lent it on several occasions. I never assume that a friend is about to try to 'steal' from me.

Personally, I would just wait until I see her - that was the arrangement anyway. If she doesn't have the cash, just ask her to transfer it online later that day. No excuses or faffy explanations needed.

soreenqueen21 · 09/06/2021 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marylou2 · 09/06/2021 16:02

I've known several people who never have cash/purse/will pay next time. You only get your money back if you ask directly. I can never bring myself to do it. I just quietly drop them from my social group. If you need this money you need to tell her.

SingingInTheShithouse · 09/06/2021 16:03

If she was so skint that she needed to nick your change, she would not be meeting you to eat out etc. Not unless she is a CF who knows she can con you or someone into paying for her.

Definitely texts & ask for it back. I can't abide CFs like this & I would not let it go, I've known way too many in my time & they play on peoples social awkwardness

Sillawithans · 09/06/2021 16:04

I'd let it go too.

Whatwouldscullydo · 09/06/2021 16:07

I've known several people who never have cash/purse/will pay next time. You only get your money back if you ask directly. I can never bring myself to do it. I just quietly drop them from my social group. If you need this money you need to tell her

Funny how it's always the purse isn't it. I mean that's probably the one thing that's consistently just in the bag the whole time. Keys I understand cos they are in.out in put even in the house when u have a back door or window keys on it etc. But the only time your purse comes out is when you pay for parking or the bus or food etc and yet they aren't left on the bus or in the car or the local.shell garage. They are at home 🤔

Muchasgracias · 09/06/2021 16:08

Well I know she’s well off, but I don’t know whether there’s anything in her past that drives this behaviour. She is from a different country so it could be cultural or related to growing up in poverty or being taken advantage of previously….(speculating at possibilities, know none of this as fact)

I would also never ask for a few quid back for a coffee but i would ask for a tenner as I feel that’s an amount that is a boundary breaker for me and it’s good to practice exercising boundaries at this level and avoid being shat upon further up!

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 09/06/2021 16:09

I think you're overthinking it (but we all do that).
Short friendly text and see how it goes:

Hi friend, looking forward to catching up on X day. Any chance you could send me that tenner from last time before we meet up? My Bank details are xxx

Cheers Smile

She'll either be full of apologies and the cash will appear or she'll string it out with excuses and then you'll know.

There's no shame in asking for money that you're owed, that's how they get you.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/06/2021 16:09

@Marylou2

I've known several people who never have cash/purse/will pay next time. You only get your money back if you ask directly. I can never bring myself to do it. I just quietly drop them from my social group. If you need this money you need to tell her.
Why not go a step further and stop paying for them at all? I can't believe people still fall for this when there's Apple Pay, Google Pay, banking apps on phones (so they can immediately pay you back) etc etc.

I spent a lot of my early adulthood utterly brassic. I literally did not have the spare cash to pay for someone else, even a coffee, and no credit. I had to budget down to the last penny with no margin for error.

But on the plus side it meant I had to be very direct and upfront about 'forgetters' and what I could afford of course, I never forgot cash/purse/card because I was very aware of my budget.

I've also never assumed that because someone has 'plenty of money' they exist to pay for me.

Muchasgracias · 09/06/2021 16:10

@Youresogolden my post is in reply to you ^^

Flyinggeese1 · 09/06/2021 16:13

I agree with those saying to give her chance as you’ve not seen each other yet, no reason to think she won’t pay you back. But if I was her I’d have asked for your bank info and paid you back immediately.

Those saying they’re ‘scatty’ - people should not have to remind you to pay them back! It takes a lot for someone to be pushed to do that. It’s just embarrassing.

Debts like this make me really unsettled. I still haven’t quite forgiven someone who owes me about a tenner for years ago. We were in a first aid course together and she wanted a small first aid kit but didn’t have the cash on her. I paid on the basis she’d pay me back when we were both in work the next day. It never happened.

Fairyliz · 09/06/2021 16:15

I’m old enough to have known a few people like this. In my experience people who ‘forget’ to bring their purses also ‘forget’ to pay you back next time.
Funny how people can be so forgetful Hmm

osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/06/2021 16:15

[quote Youresogolden]@Muchasgracias See, I don’t really get that, especially if she’s wealthy abs doesn’t actually need if etc..I’d never ask for money back for a coffee. If I kept going for coffee with a friend for example and they never paid, that’d be different[/quote]
I have a friend who's very wealthy. I can't imagine not giving her back £2 or £3 even for a coffee. Or anyone. I'd be mortified.

WingingItSince1973 · 09/06/2021 16:30

It's me again. I have already said I can't get my head around her taking the change from your £20 note. £20 can be alot to me depending on how much work I have had so I would have expected the change back for myself not just so she can round it up to £10 that she now owes. It's just the oddest thing to me ha ha. Sorry I just can't get over that part that she took the change 🤣

dottydaylia · 09/06/2021 16:32

I agree with Tellingbone...there's nothing to apologise for and how to word the message.

Everyone saying let it go, fine if that tenner is nothing to you but to some people it's a lot of money.

Please don't be like my sister OP whom never asks for owed money back simply whines to her sister instead about how said person owes her money that she's too chicken shit to ask for!

rookiemere · 09/06/2021 16:34

Just send her the text. She raised it initially via text so she clearly meant to pay you back, so give her the opportunity to do so.

BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet · 09/06/2021 16:36

No reasonable person would be offended by you asking. If I was her and didn't know your financial situation I would have already offered to transfer the tenner back to you.

Original poster
Youresogolden · 09/06/2021 16:36

@WingingItSince1973 Me neither! That’s why I was so confused at the time and wondering wtf

OP posts:
Original poster
Youresogolden · 09/06/2021 16:37

@osbertthesyrianhamster Same, I always lay it back or offer to pay next time if they’ve offered to get tho one

OP posts:
Original poster
Youresogolden · 09/06/2021 16:38

@SingingInTheShithouse She’s always eating out 🤣

OP posts:
PurpleSunrise · 09/06/2021 16:40

I would text to remind if you are short of money. It’s not a small amount to write off like I would it it were a few pounds

Original poster
Youresogolden · 09/06/2021 16:42

@LoverOfLight That’s the thing that we confusing, waiter took the money we’d given and walked off, to get any change/give receipt, she said something like ‘I’ll go and get my change’ I was in the midst of getting toddler DD’s things together/watching her etc and was thinking ‘What?’ But not 100% sure what she meant. Everyone left and on the drive home I was trying to make sense of it in my head and checked my money and realised I’d come out with 20 and basically had none left, for a mint tea and croissant and fruit 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
Youresogolden · 09/06/2021 16:42

*That was confusing

OP posts:
Elisannah · 09/06/2021 16:44

Some of these reactions are massively over the top for a one off event Hmm

It sounds like you can't afford to wait to see if she pays it back so I'd definitely send a text. Just explain things are tight and you just wanted to check that she was able to give it back to you when you meet.

I'm also someone who could very innocently forget my wallet and would think nothing of receiving a text about it...even though I would have every intention of paying it back/buying the next lunch.

TellingBone · 09/06/2021 16:44

@PurpleSunrise

I would text to remind if you are short of money. It’s not a small amount to write off like I would it it were a few pounds
Really doesn't matter whether OP is short of money or not.

I meant to add the following to my earlier post: imagine how crap you'll feel if you do nothing and you don't get your money back. That will rankle.

Swipe left for the next trending thread