To think everyone who is plus size feels the same way I do?

[cryariver]

Name change for this post.

I’m morbidly obese
I’m 5ft 5” and I weigh 17stone, I’m a size 22.

I haven’t always been this size. Up until a year a ago I was 13 stone and a size 14, which I’d maintained for a long time.

The problem is, I’m incredibly embarrassed by myself and I detest the way I look.

I haven’t seen a lot of friends in over a year, I’ve turned down the opportunity for meet ups because I can’t bare for them to see how I look.

I mentally bully myself every single day and if I said out loud what I said do myself, people would be disgusted.

I hate the relationship I have with food, but food is like a drug to me.
I love how loved, calm, comforted, satisfied and happy it makes me feel when I’m eating, which makes it harder to stop.

I don’t eat at work because I tell myself people will think I’m disgusting, so I just drink water all day and have a big dinner when I get home.

I hate having the use the printer at work because it means I have for walk past people and I’m so disgusted by myself and embarrassed about what people will think of me.

I’m so exhausted from the constant bullying but I don’t know how else to live with looking the way I do.

I had a friend who comfort ate. She was in an abusive marriage. It was completely hidden to the outside world and she confided a few things to me after I had known her for over 30 years and had no idea what was happening. I did try to help her when I found this out.

The woman was transformed after he died, physically and mentally.

Try and deal with the reason your comfort eating. I have never told my friend but I’m glad her husband died. She would never have left him. She actually has a BF now he treats her with respect and is incredibly kind the poor woman is at last loved.

She also hated herself and developed type 2 diabetes. She was 16 stone at 5ft 2 and was on medication. Over the last four years her diabetes has improved to the point she is off meds, she is about 9 stone and has also had all her joint aches improve considerably.

My friends example of comfort eating is clear cut, you may not be aware of why your comfort eating but I would explore this as much as getting your actual food intake and exercise on the level. Good luck and please don’t hate yourself.

I know what you mean OP. On February 20th I weighed 16stone and I absolutely hated myself for it. I was glad that there probably wasn't a chance to travel and go to a beach and also that I had limited contact with friends and colleagues. My internal dialogue with myself was dreadful. I've lost 35lbs since then with an diet app which has taught me portion control and some of the psychology behind why I ate like I did. My issue was mainly anxiety and habitual snacking. I was genuinely shocked when I weighed my food at the portions I was eating. It's helped me gain some control back and encouraged me to be kinder to myself. Might something like this work for you?

Nope, don't feel the same as you, but i'm 5'3 and currently 20st, and losing weight slowly (lost 1st in the last 3 months)

I've been this size for the last 10 years or so, so i'm used to being this size.

Your issue is you've put it on recently.

I will tell you honestly, until you come to terms with how you look now, you will continue on this path of self loathing, and comfort eating.

@daisyjgrey

Also, as an aside, BMI is utter nonsense.

What exactly do you mean by this? Are you suggesting that the OP is a healthy weight?

Fortunately she at least seems very clear-eyed and honest about her situation.

BMI is not an accurate measure of health. This is true for the obviously bulky muscle types but also true for other people who are obese but fit, and for those who are a “healthy” weight but unfit.

@DelilahDingleberry

1. There is no such thing as 'obese but fit'.

2. Are you claiming that it is healthy for a 5 ft 5 woman to weigh 17 stone?

3. Why do you think you know better than the OP, who at least is honest about the psychological struggles that have led to her becoming morbidly obese?

4. Why do you think that saying 'BMI is nonsense' (which itself is nonsense) is in any way helpful to the OP?

I am 5ft 6, weigh 14st 11 and I'm about size 20 (18-22 depending on the shop) and yes I feel similarly to you.

I actually think that most obese people feel this way and that most thin/slim people seem not to realise this and to almost want to make people who are obese feel more disgusted/judged about the way that they look.

Obesity is so much more complicated than most people realise- there are several genes, which affect everything from satiety hormones, to metabolism, which affect weight. Then there are brain differences in people prone to addictions (including addiction to food). Yet being anti-fat people is seen as perfectly socially acceptable most of the time.

As you've put on weight very quickly it's definitely worth getting a medical check and it might be worth looking for a therapist to work on some strategies for overcoming comfort and/or binge-eating.

I’m not claiming anything on the insufficient information here other than that BMI is not, on its own, an accurate indication of health for a singular person. I didn’t use the word nonsense, that was a different poster. I did not claim to know better than the OP about anything (other than her misplaced assumption that all plus size people feel the same).

Physical health is far more complex than BMI and overall health is more complex than physical health.

@LeopardHawk

I mean that the BMI system is not fit for purpose.

The article below explains it simply, but there are plenty of more academic articles that go further into it.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/bmi-stop-measuring-weight-height-health-measure-fitness-fat-a7894951.html

Measuring your self worth on the basis of BMI (which is outdated and not worth even considering), is a bad place to be mentally. Especially as it uses words like obese, and morbidly etc. That terminology will not help someone who is struggling mentally and physically.

Physical health is far more complex than BMI and overall health is more complex than physical health.

@DelilahDingleberry is spot on with this.

@DelilahDingleberry

BMI is not an accurate measure of health. This is true for the obviously bulky muscle types but also true for other people who are obese but fit, and for those who are a “healthy” weight but unfit.

BMI isn't designed to be a measure of overall health. It's meant to measure whether you're at a healthy weight which it does for the vast majority of people. Obviously you could be at an ideal weight but smoking 60 a day and aneamic and malnurished because you live only off three mars bars a day. Likewise you could be obese but otherwise fit and getting a varied diet.

I feel like you, yes, completely. It's miserable. No idea why you've made this AIBU though.

I feel like you. But I am 5'2 an weigh 8 stone 7lbs My BMI is normal. but I feel disgusting if i eat and i am aware I have a big problem.
I'm writing this just so you know its not about your weight, its about how you feel about yourself

@Merryoldgoat

I’m your height and significantly heavier - I’m currently aiming to get to 17stone as that’s a BMI just under 40 and would take me to ‘obese’ rather than ‘morbidly obese’.

I have an unhealthy relationship with food and don’t like the way I look especially.

But I’m an awesome person, I have lots of friends, I have hobbies which give me great satisfaction, and I refuse to allow my size to dictate my life.

I have a good job, a lovely husband, and do exactly what I please. I eat out, I laugh loudly, I don’t allow anyone to diminish me.

My fatness is one facet of me and by no means the most important.

Once when I was in my early twenties I was living with my grandmother and feeling low about how I looked. She told me to put on my makeup, put on some perfume, put on my favourite outfit, and go out with my head held high.

It stuck and my head is held high every day.

@Merryoldgoat

I so wish I could do that. I really do.

I would never refer to myself as an awesome person, I’m not.

I would actually struggle to tell you one good quality about me.

I don’t have hobbies because I don’t feel as if I’m particularly good at anything and I can’t forgive myself easily if I end up failing.

@DelilahDingleberry

I’m not claiming anything on the insufficient information here other than that BMI is not, on its own, an accurate indication of health for a singular person. I didn’t use the word nonsense, that was a different poster. I did not claim to know better than the OP about anything (other than her misplaced assumption that all plus size people feel the same).

Physical health is far more complex than BMI and overall health is more complex than physical health.

She’s talking about her appearance for goodness sake. And how she feels about it

The op was not complex. Yet so many people are apparantly finding it really difficult to understand. Is she saying everyone should feel this way? Is she saying Bmi is an indication of overall health. Gosh what is she saying, best I pop on and disagree with her.

@LilyTheMink

How many hours are you at work and you really dont eat a thing?

@LilyTheMink

I work 9-5.

Sometimes I will walk to my car in the car park and eat lunch in my car: but I cannot eat at my desk because I can’t bare to eat in front of my work colleagues. Unless I’m eating fruit.

@BashfulClam

That’s isn’t ‘morbidly obese’ it’s obese. I am 5’9’’ 16 stone and don’t feel like your description. Yes I need to reduce my weight but it’s not going to control how I live in the meantime.

An individual is considered morbidly obese if he or she is 100 pounds over his/her ideal body weight, has a BMI of 40 or more, or 35 or more and experiencing obesity-related health conditions, such as high blood pressure or diabetes.

(From Google, bmi calculator has op at around 40, had to estimate age and activity level)

The only thing that ever made be feel any better about myself was Gillian Riley's approach https://eatingless.com

How dare you suggest that all fat B people are hideous and hate themselves. Not l at ALL. Ever. I bloody love me and and my body. Is it a bit far? Yeah it is. But I still love my body. I like the way I look. Keri your fat misery to yourself op. I'm 17 stone and happy.

I wish I had some actual useful advice for you OP but it breaks my heart reading how you feel about yourself. Not specific to weight but have you ever tried something like moodgym. It helped me a little with self esteem and is based on CBT (although honestly it sounds like some really good therapy is needed). I also find mindfulness helps (no for weight loss but for feeling better in myself).

One of my closest friends has suffered from over eating for as long as I've known her. She is literally the most amazing person I know. She tried OEA and it really didn't work for her, she has recently just decided to accept her weight for now and concentrate on the rest of her life. She's also taken back up a sport she was into previously not for weight loss but because she enjoys it. I think she still would love to lose weight eventually but having it as a burden round her neck wasn't helping.

I’m 5 ft 7 and 15 stone so also obese. I was almost 18 stone at my heaviest a fair few years ago and I lost 7 stone in a year and went from a size 20 to 10. It felt amazing. I maintained it until I got pregnant, I gained about 3 stone while pregnant and I just never lost it because of breastfeeding and PND. I then had another baby 20 months later who I’ve been BFing since he was born 10 months ago. I’ve lost 2 stone since he was born so it’s not a bad start but I’m just maintaining this weight now and struggling to lose anymore, I think it will come off when I quit BFing.

I don’t like the way I look at all but I’m trying to like myself a bit more. I’ve bought a few nice bits of clothing which make me feel slightly better and I do my hair and make up every day which helps. You just sound like you’re majorly struggling with your confidence, it might be worthwhile trying counselling.

YABU to think everyone who is plus size feels the same way you do.

Not everyone links their intrinsic self-worth to their size, despite how hard some people try to force them to do so (as amply demonstrated on this thread.)

I feel exactly the same @cryariver.

I hate myself every day...I've put so much weight on I've noticed that when I am with people I have started to apologise for my weight gain...i literally don't look in the mirror...I'm so embarrassed to eat anything in public...I don't feel I look professional...I hate the heat, because wtf am I going to wear...I look so much older...

The worst part is the affect on my health...wearing a face mask causes me to get out of breathe, climbing stairs takes an effort...I get thigh rub which hurts...I can feel my knees working harder...I swear it's causing arthritis in my fingers...

All this "be kind to yourself" only works if you don't have the mindset that if you are "good" with food, then you should get a reward - generally with food!
I saw a young man yesterday who was very overweight, so much so he had to bend over to stretch his back as he was waiting in the queue, and my heart when out to him as he looked uncomfortable and embarrassed and ashamed, and I know those feelings...I just wanted to hug him and tell him I understood...

I've looked into a gastric sleeve, but ironically my BMI isn't high enough and the thought of living like this for the rest of my life - the constant self hatred and battle with overeating - just wears me out.

I generally believe you are either a person who has to constantly manage what you eat (whatever your weight) or you are someone free of food/weight issues (those that just say "if you don't want to get fat just don't eat it/ move more, eat less) and how I would love to be one of those people...free

If you know the answer...please send me your answer on a postcode xxx

I agree with all the sensible posters that you should seek some help with your mindset/mental Health and push for further investigation of thyroid etc too.

Two things I will say from my experience of being a lot bigger and managing to slim down:

1. It's ok to feel a little bit hungry, in fact it's normal and is a healthy recognition that your next meal is coming sometime soon. Thinking we should feel permanently full up is a result of our current food filled society with endless snacks and cheap easy food available 24/7. If you're permanently stuffed with food, how on Earth is your body meant to burn it off and use up the fat on your body for energy? We need to recognise our hunger signals as a good thing - and our thirst signals too. Often we need water, not more food.

1. Low carb is amazing. More protein and veg, cutting out excess carbs (especially the white bread/pasta) is THE only diet I've ever done that succeeded for a long time. If you don't like feeling hungry, it really does help you feel more satiated and your appetite does drop.

I started on BIWI's bootcamps and have followed the basic principles for years. Have had a rough year with bereavements/stress/ etc but I know when I get back on it, my weight will steady again and I will have so much more energy.

Oh and 3. Cereal is shit in a box. Especially the sugary ones. Absolute garbage, nutritionally. Get some eggs, yoghurt, berries, in you first thing and you'll set yourself up for a much better day.

You've done well to open up a discussion on this OP, very brave on AIBU! and I do hope you seek help and things improve for your own self esteem. Be kind to yourself, you really are worth it.

It is hard when you see an mountain to climb - but you are the only person who will be so hard on you, and you are also the only person who can change.

Yes - dieting is hard, and the results are not overnight, but get along to weight watchers, or slimming world and relearn how to eat