To think everyone who is plus size feels the same way I do?

[cryariver]

Name change for this post.

I’m morbidly obese
I’m 5ft 5” and I weigh 17stone, I’m a size 22.

I haven’t always been this size. Up until a year a ago I was 13 stone and a size 14, which I’d maintained for a long time.

The problem is, I’m incredibly embarrassed by myself and I detest the way I look.

I haven’t seen a lot of friends in over a year, I’ve turned down the opportunity for meet ups because I can’t bare for them to see how I look.

I mentally bully myself every single day and if I said out loud what I said do myself, people would be disgusted.

I hate the relationship I have with food, but food is like a drug to me.
I love how loved, calm, comforted, satisfied and happy it makes me feel when I’m eating, which makes it harder to stop.

I don’t eat at work because I tell myself people will think I’m disgusting, so I just drink water all day and have a big dinner when I get home.

I hate having the use the printer at work because it means I have for walk past people and I’m so disgusted by myself and embarrassed about what people will think of me.

I’m so exhausted from the constant bullying but I don’t know how else to live with looking the way I do.

This is how our thin obsessed society & all the fat shamers makes women feel.

It's not ok.

I know this probably isn't any consolation at all but alot of us thin people also have a neurotic, unhealthy attitude towards food and definitely don't feel ourselves better off.

I felt that way when I had an eating disorder and was underweight. You need help to improve your mental health.

I feel very similar to this (but no one bullies me and I’m sceptical of your “constant bullying claim”) but I’m at the opposite end of the scale. Very very skinny. I feel skeletal in my summer clothes

It sounds to me like the problem is less the weight and more the underlying reasons why you're so tough on yourself. You eat because it makes you feel good but then you hate yourself for eating. It's a very destructive cycle.

Have you had any therapy with a really good therapist? I would recommend an integrative therapist who specialises in eating disorders but also works relationally. There is a reason why you hate yourself. It's not healthy to hate yourself and will sabotage any effort you make to lose weight.

I feel for you OP, and you deserve better. Please ignore people who are savaging you for being honest about how you feel. It's clear you're not saying that everyone who is plus sized should despise themselves!!!,

I’m sorry you feel so awful about yourself OP, I’ve been there. I suggest maybe changing your title to say “Does anyone else feel the way I do” rather than how it’s currently phrased. Knowing how awful you feel about yourself, I am confident you don’t want to inflict this on other obese people who feel ok, iykwim.
But now you’ve explained that wasn’t your intention at all, I hope people understand it wasn’t meant that way and go back to being supportive.

Anyhow- I’m overweight too, and was obese at one point. I was also a size 10 once, who didn’t always watch what I ate. Then I had mental health problems that required medication and a lot of anti depressants do make you put on weight, I was also diagnosed with an under active thyroid and that’s had a huge effect on my weight. I’m saying that so that you get yourself checked over properly. If you are feeling very low of mood and putting on weight for no reason, those are very strong indications something is wrong with your thyroid. It’s worth getting a blood test in my opinion. You could also then discuss with discuss your relationship with food and ask for help with this.
Good luck - you can be happy again, you just gotta take the fight head on and not give up.

I think the bullying may be from the OP to herself possibly? A constant crtitical voice.

@Sometimesfraught82

I feel very similar to this (but no one bullies me and I’m sceptical of your “constant bullying claim”) but I’m at the opposite end of the scale. Very very skinny. I feel skeletal in my summer clothes

@Sometimesfraught82

The only person that bullies me is myself.

It’s horrible being inside my own mind and the disgusting things I say to myself on daily.

I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain @cryariver. It’s really awful to read you talking about yourself like that. It doesn’t come over like you are being negative about other people who are overweight at all. Have you considered having therapy for the way you feel? Both about how you look and about your relationship with food. What you wrote about feeling comforted and loved when you eat really struck me and I wonder if it would be helpful for you to find alternative ways to meet those emotional needs. I hope you find comfort and love in other places. I promise that you are worthy and deserve it. Wishing you the best.

I used to, it was a cycle for me of eating for comfort and being desperately unhappy and ashamed of my weight. Until I addressed the underlying issue (therapy) I couldn't break it. It a cliche as well but its really hard to lose weight if you don't at least like yourself and see yourself as worthy of the effort.

@cryariver I understand how you feel. I highly recommend reading ‘Why We Eat (too much)’ by Andrew Jenkinson.

I have been reading intuitive eating book about getting good relationship with food and looking at weight stigma on Instagram Dr josh woolrich talks about it. Im same weight but am learning not to b so negative about my body as it doesn't actually help me it makes me feel worse and eat more

I get you OP, I'm 5'6 and a size 22. As of the scales this morning I'm 110.5kg. I don't loathe myself though, because I'm taking steps to change. I've already dropped from 126kg and I have an appointment later today with a bariatric surgeon.

I'm not saying this to encourage you to have weight loss surgery, more to make you aware that there are options. IMO you need to channel the energy you currently use on loathing yourself, into something productive - that could be low carbs, intermittent fasting, whatever you choose.

There is only one person who can change you OP - you.

I think it sounds like you need to address your mental health as much as your weight. Have you checked wth your GP for any underlying conditions?

Hi OP. I’m fat and have always been fat - I don’t feel the way you do, and I’m sorry you feel so low. It helped me massively that I discovered body positivity/fat positivity when I was 18 or 19. I don’t know what I would have been like if I hadn’t.
I exercise regularly, eat well, make an effort with my appearance and enjoy my life. It sounds easy to say but life is so so short - please don’t waste it hating yourself. It’s no way to live.

No I don't feel the way you do.

I am very overweight at the moment. I've been less overweight but it's been a long time since I was the weight I should be.

I know I need to loose weight, I want to live a long life with my son but I don't hate myself in the meantime.

If you get some help for how you're feeling you'll probably feel more capable to loose weight if that's what you want to do.

Op, I feel the same.

Up until 10 years ago I was always slim. I now weigh 14.5 stone at only 5ft 4.

I'm attempting to lose weight by eating healthier food and smaller portions as well as doing exercise, but it feels an uphill battle.

I have an incredibly negative relationship with food. I comfort eat when I feel low, then feel disgusted with myself and filled with self loathing.

I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I feel so disgusting. I also call myself names daily and have a disgusting, hateful inner monologue.

My body is also completely ruined after a botched c section, so even if I do lose the weight, I'd still look disfigured and deformed.

I absolutely hate being this way and would give anything to have my old body back.

I hate the summer as everyone looks so much better than me and I catch my partner looking at other slimmer women all the time, which makes me feel even worse about myself.

I feel similar to you and it is a constant battle. I do eat cut up veg and houmous at work though and drink lots of tea. I feel people analyse what I eat.
I am trying to do something about it after watching Michael mosley 21 days to change your life which worried me a lot.
I don't really go out apart from work as I really don't know how to dress casually for my size.

I know how you feel, I’m careful what I eat around others. My phobia is clothes, I never find anything I like because of how I look, it a horrid feeling.
I’m 2 stones down now another 4 to go.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I have read all of your posts @cryariver. I too am obese. 5ft 7 and around 16 stone. I don’t like being overweight but I don’t hate myself.

I think you need to get to the bottom of the self loathing you feel. Because it is not just down to your weight. In fact your weight may well be BECAUSE of the self loathing and not the other way around.

I have been having counselling for other reasons but we have talked about my weight etc. It was interesting and has led me to be much kinder to myself as I felt a complete failure not being able to stick to any diet and maintain a weight loss. I also read a really good book - Why We Eat (Too Much) which crystallised my views on diets and the diet industry. In fact there are a couple of threads on here about the book and people are following the principles and losing weight.

Your weight issues are probably quite complex and the fact you love how food makes you feel calm etc while you’re eating but also leads you to hate yourself shows it’s not all about what you’re eating but why. And why you feel the way you do.

I’m 5ft 2 and my BMI puts me in the overweight category. I’m not really bothered about how I look at this weight but have just turned 60 and want to be strong healthy and active for as long as possible. I eat healthily, go to the gym and swim. Oh and I have the ubiquitous thyroid condition too.

I understand you OP and I'm not even overweight. I'm sure I'll get laid into for this but in the past year I've gone from an 8-10 to a 10-12 dress size (not sure on weight) and I am horrible to myself. Yesterday I actually punched my hips in a rage until they were so sore. I did have a bit of a lightbulb moment in the evening though as I think mine is partially a reaction to the last year. So much has changed in my life due to the pandemic and now even my body has too. I'm angry at myself for allowing this pandemic to get to me and I hate myself for changing

@Stompythedinosaur totally agree. My body may be carrying some excess baggage currently but it is truly amazing and wonderful!

Just being alive is a great gift.

Try to cultivate a kinder voice in your head, OP or get some counselling. You need to get rid of that dark cloud, its not helping you.

I do understand about your relationship with food - I am an emotional eater for any pain and discomfort - mental/physical. Its very soothing.

I'm trying to only have carbs one meal in a day. Veg and protein the rest of the time which does make you feel full.

@BashfulClam

That’s isn’t ‘morbidly obese’ it’s obese. I am 5’9’’ 16 stone and don’t feel like your description. Yes I need to reduce my weight but it’s not going to control how I live in the meantime.

No, OP is right. She is morbidly obese.

Individuals are usually considered morbidly obese if their weight is more than 80 to 100 pounds above their ideal body weight. A BMI above 40 indicates that a person is morbidly obese and therefore a candidate for bariatric surgery.

Also, a BMI over 35 with any accompanying health conditions is morbid obesity.

OP weighs 238 pounds at 5 ft 5 (assuming she is exactly 17 stone, no more). That is more than 80 to 100 pounds over her ideal body weight. Her BMI is on the 39/40 threshold. So yes, she is morbidly obese.

www.upmc.com/locations/hospitals/hamot/services/bariatric/defining-obesity

www.cdc.gov/obesity/adult/defining.html

I’m your height and significantly heavier - I’m currently aiming to get to 17stone as that’s a BMI just under 40 and would take me to ‘obese’ rather than ‘morbidly obese’.

I have an unhealthy relationship with food and don’t like the way I look especially.

But I’m an awesome person, I have lots of friends, I have hobbies which give me great satisfaction, and I refuse to allow my size to dictate my life.

I have a good job, a lovely husband, and do exactly what I please. I eat out, I laugh loudly, I don’t allow anyone to diminish me.

My fatness is one facet of me and by no means the most important.

Once when I was in my early twenties I was living with my grandmother and feeling low about how I looked. She told me to put on my makeup, put on some perfume, put on my favourite outfit, and go out with my head held high.

It stuck and my head is held high every day.