Is anyone here NC with a parent(s)?

[4wardnc]

If so, how long for and are you at peace with your decision?

Any regrets?

Considering doing the same and looking for perspectives.

I'm so close to doing this. My mum is a very negative person and such a drain on my mood and energy. She is sweetness and light to the rest of the world and then pours all her anger and bitterness into me. Not directed at me. She is just as 'sweet' to my face as she is to everyone else's but then she will bitch, judge and backbite about everyone she knows. By the end of an hour I am so full up of her bile that I just want to cry.

She is also a martyr. Her 4 bedroom house is too much for her to take care of but she refuses to move to somewhere more manageable. I've offered to share my cleaner with her so she could do one week at mine and the next at mums (I'd pay of course) but she doesn't want a cleaner. Now her house has become dirty and tatty and she refuses to let people in, including me. We live at the top of a very steep hill. She is nearly 80 now and developing some mobility problems and the hill is too much for her. I have repeatedly asked/told her not to walk up the hill to us. Between DH and I and the kids we have 3 cars so we are happy to pick her up or send her an Uber but she will appear at the front door an hour before the arranged pick up time , wheezing and weeping and too out of breath to even go into the front room but has to lie on the stairs to recover. When I try to talk to her about it she will say she wants to be independent, she doesn't want to be a burden by accepting lifts or help. She doesn't see how her now non-existent ' independence' is a bigger emotional burden than any amount of practical or financial help would be.

I would love to go NC but she is old and frail and I would feel guilty if she were on her own in the world so I maintain contact. But it's awful.

And before anyone says 'she's your mum. You should cherish her' can I point out that she was a horrible mum. I was the product of an unwanted teenage pregnancy and the subsequent shotgun wedding and eventual divorce. She constantly reminded me I was unwanted and had ruined her life, that she would have terminated me if she could have afforded it. She was physically abusive and emotionally neglectful. She worked very hard at a series of demanding jobs and earned pretty good money for the time but we went hungry a lot of the time because she prioritised saving over our needs. Thank god for school dinners. My younger sister and brother have sensibly moved 100s of miles away and are NC and LC respectively.

I think what is so hard about the situation is it feels like a very long grieving period. The person is still alive, but the mother/father you needed and long for has never existed. It feels like grieving for yourself and what you never had, whilst being presented with the person who causes such pain just continuing to wound . I am worried to about how I will feel when my mother dies. There will be no chance then for things to change. There comes a point when you have to accept the relationship will never improve and it's pointless to try any longer.

@BreakingtheIce

I think what is so hard about the situation is it feels like a very long grieving period. The person is still alive, but the mother/father you needed and long for has never existed. It feels like grieving for yourself and what you never had, whilst being presented with the person who causes such pain just continuing to wound . I am worried to about how I will feel when my mother dies. There will be no chance then for things to change. There comes a point when you have to accept the relationship will never improve and it's pointless to try any longer.

Very true: it's an extended grieving period. But can you explain why you worry about how you'll feel when your mother does die? I am hoping - expecting - a feeling of absolute release. Really hope I am not wrong.

Yes, with my Dad.

He basically cut me off when I turned 19 with zero explanation. He lives 200+ miles away and has since I was 8 but he used to still make the effort to visit me quite regularly and I’d occasionally go to him too (more difficult for me to visit with school, then had DC young). All of a sudden he stopped visiting and started making endless excuses as to why he couldn’t visit anymore. To begin with I bought the excuses but it started getting a little ridiculous when he was saying chest infections had lasted 6 months and he had back pain so couldn’t sit on a train for 2 hours. I just got fed up with the excuses after maybe a year so asked why he didn’t want to see me. He gave me a passive aggressive ‘apology’ and said it was in my head basically, he didn’t not want to see me at all.

We didn’t communicate at all for about 4 years until my DH almost pushed me into contacting him 4 years ago. I got in touch via email because I didn’t have any other contact method. To my surprise, he emailed back the same day but it was a very self absorbed email all about himself which induced a lot of eye rolls. DH still said I should go visit him so we did, we travelled down to have coffee with him and he mostly just spoke about himself. We visited him again that year with the DC in tow and went for a meal. That was the last time I saw him, 4 years ago in October. I’ve had 2 more children since that who he’s never met. He just stopped replying to me again, fuck knows why so I’ve given up.

It plays on my mind quite often because I just wonder what happened to him and why he lost interest in me. He was a bit of a Disney dad when I was growing up and liked to splash the cash but I always thought we were quite close. It baffles me really. I think he possibly has a personality disorder given how much he thinks of himself. He thinks he’s going to be an actor or famous director despite now being in his 50s…

My DH is more curious about him than I am so he Googles him every so often and let’s me know what he’s been up to (he’s on Twitter and YouTube trying to push his acting persona) but I’m really not bothered. We just don’t have a relationship anymore, I’m not sure whether this will ever change at this stage.

I should have added that he sends a pathetic e-card for everyone’s birthday every year that he’s pre-set to send at midnight. I don’t open them because what’s the point, I’d rather he didn’t send them tbh. It just feels pathetic given the fact my DC don’t know him. When we visited him they called him ‘the man’ because they had no idea who he was. How sad is that really?

I’m close to my Gran (his Mum) but she never mentions him, not even in passing. I think she’s embarrassed that he’s such a selfish twat.

@Edgyandstressed

I think I fee devastated that it’s too late for anything to change. Part of me keeps hoping there is some kind of key to unlock it all and make it OK.

I feel guilty and still blame myself for the relationship being so bad. Even though I know it’s not my fault. Everyone else thinks it is though, which is hard. My mother does a lovely ‘ sweet old lady’ act. Behind the facade is a nasty person who only I see most of the time.

Not nc but minimal contact. Draining when they negative. Siblings think we have a duty to her. 70s. I visit but am relieved when I start my car. Its hard work as u all know

NC with both parents for over 20 years - mother a narc, father violent. I tried to stay in touch with siblings but they either acted as flying monkeys being sent to spy on me and reporting back, or it was me making all the effort which hurt too much. It's not easy having absolutely no family at all, but even so, it's better than being subjected to constant abuse.

Very low contact with my mother for 5 years now - she doesn't know where I live and doesn't have my phone number. We communicate a few times a year by email.

It's not black and white for me. I don't hate her, and I'm not angry with her. She did the best she could given who she is and how she grew up. I am sad for both of us now and I will be heartbroken when she dies. And I also cannot have her in my life.

It's shit. I feel SO much better being so LC, and at the same time I feel sad about how much better I feel.

I wish it were some other way, particularly as I know it causes her some degree of pain too.

I have been NC with my mother for just over 3 years. I find her very, very difficult to deal with and I get very stressed and anxious whenever I am around her.
When I was a child she was emotionally neglectful and physically abusive. Her and my Dad frequently had massive screaming fights and there were lots of separations and threats to leave.
When I was 16 she chased me around the house with a carving knife after we had a row. Thank God my sister was home as she separated us before anything terrible happened.
When I was 17 she arranged a date with a man who was twice my age (who I later found out she fancied) and encouraged me to keep seeing him because he also had some money. He would collect me from home at 10 O’clock at night and drop me off in the morning. He was also physically abusive and neither of my parents intervened. I wanted to cancel the wedding and my mother got very angry and started shouting about how much money they had spent.
We got divorced after he beat me so badly that I was hospitalised, then he fought me for custody of our son and my mother invited him to stay in touch and told him that he was always welcome. Right up until I went NC she would ask about him in a very fond voice.
She also, along with my aunt, tried to get me to date and marry my cousin because he had a serious chronic illness and at the time I was training as a registered nurse. I fought that one off as he was repulsive - let alone being my cousin.
My sister was neglecting her children and allowing her 12 year old to sleep with a 19 year old man (he would stay over and sleep in her bed) despite my best efforts my sister carried on so I discussed it with my mother and we agreed to involve social services. When they got involved my mother told my sister that she knew nothing about it.
My mother would also gossip about me and say hurtful things to friends, neighbours and the rest of the family. In front of me she would tell people that I had just met the most embarassing stories about she could think of.
She says terrible things about other people behind their backs while being nice to their face. She also looked after a very elderly woman who had a great deal of money and from whom she and my Dad thought they would inherit as she had no other family. When I visited t
she took me to see her and kept asking me afterwards how long I thought she had left. The look on her face while she talked about her made me nauseous.
When my Dad was dying I visited and he wanted to talk about his dying and what he wanted for his funeral with me. My mother refused to talk to him about it. After I got home she rang me and screamed at me that I had frightened my Dad, he was having nightmares and it was all my fault. Then when he did die she and my sister ignored all of his wishes and had a funeral the way that they wanted.
She used the threat of suicide as a tactic to get her own way and when I asked the police to check on her (she was living several hundred miles away) because of a threat in a voicemail she’d left me, her and my sister both rang me screaming and calling me names.
When she said that ‘I was dead to her.’ I took her at her word.
Writing this out reminds me why I am NC!

Then there was my boyfriend who I adored. I couldn’t understand why he suddenly left his job and the city until many, many years later we met by accident and he told me that my mother had gone to his employers and told them that he was sleeping with an underage girl. I was 17!
God knows what else she got up.

I am NC with both parents and siblings with the exception of my brother who is one of my best mates and much loved. I’ve not spoken to one brother for around 6 years and my sister and parents for 2 years.

The only regret I have is not doing so much sooner and allowing them to be involved with my DC lives in the beginning.

Genuinely, I’d be more upset about the passing of next doors cat than I will be any of them. I feel nothing, not even hatred any more.

@ladybee28

Very low contact with my mother for 5 years now - she doesn't know where I live and doesn't have my phone number. We communicate a few times a year by email.

It's not black and white for me. I don't hate her, and I'm not angry with her. She did the best she could given who she is and how she grew up. I am sad for both of us now and I will be heartbroken when she dies. And I also cannot have her in my life.

It's shit. I feel SO much better being so LC, and at the same time I feel sad about how much better I feel.

I wish it were some other way, particularly as I know it causes her some degree of pain too.

Exactly the same here @ladybee28. Feels like such a lose-lose situation, but the least worst option.

@BreakingtheIce

I think what is so hard about the situation is it feels like a very long grieving period. The person is still alive, but the mother/father you needed and long for has never existed. It feels like grieving for yourself and what you never had, whilst being presented with the person who causes such pain just continuing to wound . I am worried to about how I will feel when my mother dies. There will be no chance then for things to change. There comes a point when you have to accept the relationship will never improve and it's pointless to try any longer.

I was a teenager when I mourned the loss of the mother I never had. That was well over 35 years ago now. I expect I'll see a death notice for her at some point. We've been NC with her for some years.

Someone asked me a few years ago if I'd attend her funeral. No. I used to think I might, just make make sure she was truly dead, but in this day and age, it's easier to confirm deaths.

I realised in my late teens/early 20s that she'd never change, and neither would my enabling father. So that was that. LC followed by NC. The NC has been much easier to deal with, because she kept breaking the boundaries of LC anyway. EF died some years ago.

Yes. I've been no contact with my dad for 20 years and my mum for five. Wish I'd gone no contact with both when I left home. I have no intention of contacting either again.

I am NC with my brother (literally missing nothing by this as he is a selfish pig who does nothing for anyone if it doesn't benefit himself). He was vile to me my whole childhood (allowed to by my parents) and we had a brief few years of apparent friendship but that was short lived as he quickly reverted to type once he'd gotten some things he wanted sorted and didn't 'need' to be nice anymore. Literally I feel nothing when I think of him.

My parents I am basically NC with for 18 months since a row they caused totally unnecessarily. My dad is a selfish autocratic pig (only recently seeing how similar him and my brother are) and he has coercively controlled and bullied my mother her whole life. Whilst she is/was a lovely person, I feel like I can't forgive her allowing him to treat us as he did growing up and and never stood up to him. This recent row also she was complicit in starting due to annoyance on his behalf. Whilst I almost feel sorry for her, it is not my responsibility that she cannot stand up for herself even for the sake of her children.

Xmas was hard as I felt guilty that they would be on their own (golden child brother does not give a single f*ck about them and despite knowing they'd be alone due to the situation with me and my siblings who have also gone NC, had no problem going to his in laws who live at the other end of the country). But then I get enraged after I feel guilty as none of this is my doing. So I'm making an effort to breathe, remember I have done nothing wrong and I am a good person and not responsible for the bad behaviour of others. I am going to let go and move on with my life and my own little family.

Yep, 18 months in and no desire to change it at all. Technically she dumped me as well so don't even have the guilt bit! (Long story, lifetime of emotional abuse, lies, conspiracy theories that tipped me over the edge etc). She hated that I didn't bow down to her screwed up theories (like throwing me out of her house because I said I wasn't going to stop my 5 year old watching Disney...)and screwed me over for thousands of pounds, told me she'll laugh when we all get shot in the head by the army when martial law comes in and yeah, among a lot of other things. I stayed calm and even nice somehow and that was that. I'm a lot less stressed, depressed and anxious now, and I finally feel like I'm my own person and I actually have friends now!

Yes I’ve been NC with my mother for over 10 years. I don’t have any close family and she has turned extended family against me. I am completely alone but also finally free of daily abuse and belittlement. It’s worth it.

Oh I also don't have a dad so I don't have any parents now, my brothers I'm sad about as they've sided with her / believe the same stuff but I gave those two the world for our whole lives and I get shut out for it so, as much as I miss my brothers, it hurts more from them than it ever did from her.

I don't have contact with either of my parents, unfortunately they wasn't parent material.
One was an alcoholic the other cared more about their partners then us children.
I did have some guilt until I had my own children and realised how awful they actually were.

Oh and have been pretty much nc for 29 years, since I was put into care.

@IrisAtwood: Your mother sounds like a classic narc, and those experiences are so much like others I've heard from other people with narc parents. Compulsive and pathological liars who set their kids up for all sorts of humiliations, then wonder whey their kids want nothing to do with them when they become independent adults. You are not alone.

I’m NC with my Dad, have been NC for 21 years now.

He contacted me 4 years ago and asked to meet up, which I did.

But honestly, I didn’t know him. I didn’t feel like he was ‘missing’ from my life. So I didn’t contact him again.

My sister still sees him though, very regularly. So I get updates.
He now has a terminal illness and won’t last the year.
I thought it may change my thoughts on contacting him, but it hasn’t.

Yes, with my father, coming up on two years now. While it's not simple, and it's been painful, I have no regrets. I'm sad about the situation, but total conviction in my decision.

My mother passed when I was a teen, and I have a sibling I'm not super close to. No extended family other than one grandparent who I exchange emails with once a year. My friends have been my family ever since my mum passed really, so cutting contact with my father hasn't had a big impact in that way. You just have to be firm on your boundaries and assertive communication before you make the decision.

It took me 10 years to do it, before then I didn't have the strength or emotional tools to cope with it. I was seeing a fabulous therapist when I did it, so plenty of room to process the fallout and the inevitable emotions and pain. I can't compartmentalise, so for me that was crucial: to me it's just not a case of "Well he was a rear so good riddance." I had to heal all the hurt and grief of losing my sole remaining parent, and the anger at his treatment of my for the past 30 years.

But like I say, no regrets and it's given me a lot of added strength to know I can stand up for my place in the world and no longer take shitty treatment or abuse.

*twat, not rear