Is anyone here NC with a parent(s)?

[4wardnc]

If so, how long for and are you at peace with your decision?

Any regrets?

Considering doing the same and looking for perspectives.

does going NC create more drama and surely stress in the person who does it?

No. The whole reason I did it was because if how contact made me feel. My mother was awful to me and while I will never get past the sadness of her being shit I have never once regretted the day I ended my relationship with her. No more uncertainty. She has hurt me and that hurt will always remain but I have stopped her from being able to hurt me further. There was absolutely no drama at all.

• I have a friend who constantly states how much she dislikes her DM but keeps up relations because she adores her DF and actually its pretty much destroyed her. Literally, her life is consumed by being dragged into family issues and she wont say boo to a goose because of upsetting people who have absolutely no qualms about upsetting her. Shes middle age now and its sad to witness.

does going NC create more drama and surely stress in the person who does it?

I think it depends on how its done as well dramatic flouncing may cause more harm than a gentle unannounced pull away.

Also I am a big believer in second chances after a break and if the person still behaves the same and you cant cope - then there really is nothing mre you can do .

Yes, both, and no regrets.

I imagine most people who have had to do it don't want it to be that way. I wish my parent wasn't an aggressive, manipulative narcissistic being. I would've loved to have had care, support, genuine interest but your hands are tied.
The hardest part was how said parent attempted to turn people against me, purely to make themselves look better. It took me a long time before I stopped caring if anyone fell for it. If I hadn't let them back in the last time, that wouldn't have happened but I'm glad I'm in a strong place where there are no more chances to be given.

For me going NC caused no drama at all. It took all the drama away. Probably helped by my brother going NC with her at the same time and we had no other family at all.

She never contacted us apart from the odd poisonous letter which was always ignored.

does going NC create more drama and surely stress in the person who does it?

I was LC for a good while with my mum, before cutting contact completely. She's elderly and was estranged from my siblings so I had the added guilt if being her last family connection. Speaking to and seeing her less frequently still left me a shaking, upset and emotionally battered mess. I actually feared that my mental health would be screwed if even minimal contact continued. So I cut ties completely, don't have to listen to her bile and hope that her religious fervour keeps her company in her dotage when not one of her offspring will.

@Justmuddlingalong

does going NC create more drama and surely stress in the person who does it?

I was LC for a good while with my mum, before cutting contact completely. She's elderly and was estranged from my siblings so I had the added guilt if being her last family connection. Speaking to and seeing her less frequently still left me a shaking, upset and emotionally battered mess. I actually feared that my mental health would be screwed if even minimal contact continued. So I cut ties completely, don't have to listen to her bile and hope that her religious fervour keeps her company in her dotage when not one of her offspring will.

I can so relate to what you say.

Gosh , so many of us
Sending massive hugs to you all

@Peach01

Yes. Only regret is I shouldn't have let said parent worm their way back in the last time. The damage they've done snowballed each time. No part of me would have them back.

agree, if you let them back they only punish you for your insubordination! (NC with both now)

For me, taking a stand and ceasing communication has been awful. Really cranked all the drama up. If id known i wouldnt have bothered

she shot herself in the foot. If there was ever any chance that I might have felt guilty after her death that chance disappeared when I got the letter
exactly!
this posthumous poison only validates the decision to cut contact, that she sees it as a way to even the score speaks to her self absorption and lack of insight.

For me, taking a stand and ceasing communication has been awful. Really cranked all the drama up. If id known i wouldnt have bothered
they are just trying to get a reaction, stand firm, dont rise to it and they will cease & desist

@QioiioiioQ but now i feel like, ok so they called me paranoid if i ever told them anything negative, and if i objected they called me sensitive, and if i said "stop calling me paranoid and sensitve" then they called me angry.

But now they are calling me menopausal, angry, silly, blah blah blah.

My brother is on their side and they are all angry with me.

I thought a year ago that they would get it eventually but they are so defensive they will never get it.

So now i have no family. That is not really what i wanted.

@4wardnc

Do many of you have other supportive family members?

The one I'm on the verge of going NC with is more or less the only family I have, other than my own young children.

I think part of the reason I've hesitated is because of the thought that I would be totally on my own, but that's a bit self pitying isn't it?

No family is better than a dysfunctional one.

No I don't. (Everything) comes down to me. It's been 15 years but I looked after my dad on my own and 2 small children on my own when he was dying of cancer. It was an awful time. I learnt then that if I can manage that I can manage anything 💪. I have had to deal with loads of things. On my own. Because of how mum was towards me. I never ever want to be like her so I probably do a bit to much for my kids/grown up kids. I probably let My oldest take advantage to be honest. But I just don't want them to ever feel the way I did. I'm glad my mother has not got to know my children really as they can't miss he.

Not my parents but my in laws. I had a big thread last summer about them being horrible during my pregnancy. They got even worse, I ended up having a CAT 1 emergency C section on Boxing Day. MIL said I “had to do everything the hard way” called me a drama queen and was that horrible to DH he became suicidal when my son was 8 weeks old. To save the mental health of both me and DH we cut contact in January and it has been a huge relief.

I am NC with my dad since 2001. I felt very guilty for a long time although I needed no contact for my mental health which suffered greatly by seeing him. Over the years it has become much easier although I do sometimes - usually his birthday or Father's Day - feel sad. His parents have died and his 1 sister does reach out at Christmas time with a card but I feel no need to speak to or see them. I have no regrets at all now. The only thing that makes me feel sad is knowing that I long for a dad - just not the one I had

Yeh my kids take advantage of me sometimes. I swung too far the other way.

So many bells being rung here...

27 years. Overall, I don't regret it but there have been times when it's been a lonely road. I struggled with terrible guilt over the earlier years because it goes against everything we are supposed to feel about family, but I absolutely know I did the right thing and my conscience is clear.

I’m now NC with mine and have no regrets honestly. I was very much at peace with the fact he would not chase me or try very hard anyway, and any attempts at contact have really not rocked my resolve since. The perspective and peace it gave me has been so healing. He won’t and can’t be what I needed and that’s that.

I was very LC with my parents for about 10 years, only communicating via text/email. Have been NC for almost a year, after my "D"M said she wished I'd miscarried, among other things. I was upset making that decision, but now I feel very at peace with it.

I have occasional phone contact with my brother, but we're not close. I do have lovely PIL and SIL but they live in another country, so we haven't seen them in person since 2019.

I do sometimes wish I had a lovely, close family. I'll admit I get slightly jealous when people suggest grandparents as childcare as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. But I've come to accept that there's nothing I can do to change who my parents are, and NC is a lot better for my mental health than trying to force a relationship.

@Coronawireless

While I sympathise greatly with people who have terrible families, does going NC create more drama and surely stress in the person who does it? And may alienate you from family members you might still like to see? Why not just LC? Polite, brief responses to queries, then switch conversation to the weather. Short visits to important events (with the firm excuse that you’ll have to leave early because of x or y). Move further away so that you’ll never bump into them or meet their friends. Treat them like children - they are, after all; many of them never grew up. You’re now the adult. You are kind (so you’ll feel no guilt when they die) but firm and take no nonsense. You’re busy and have your own life but you’ll try to fit them in for important events if they really want you there. If there’s nonsense though you’ll have to leave and they can contact you at some point when they’re feeling better. I’m not talking here about serious physical or sexual abuse. And all easier said than done I know.

"Just LC" makes it sound easy but it's anything but. The more you impose boundaries on them, the worse they behave. My mother was fond of little, plausibly deniable acts of revenge, like breaking or stealing stuff from our house. Some of those actions put my children in danger. She would claim those actions were honest mistakes. I can only say that a lot of those mistakes seemed to happen, and particularly when I'd given her reason to be upset at me. Perhaps I could have been firm as you suggest and the behaviour would have tailed off, or perhaps it wouldn't. I wasn't willing to risk my children in her presence or her in our house, because of those little "accidents". And also, I was right not to. I have a responsibility to my own children not to expose them to abusive people. I suppose I could go and see her on my own now that the kids are older, but I do feel that after nearly 40 years of being my mother's punchbag I've earned a rest.

It depends on the family dynamic. My mother will not have the conversation we need to have.

Trying to take a stand has made my life harder. My brother and father on her side. Whole family has mobbed me.

Back away slowly. Faaaaade in to low contact.

I didit all wrong. Announced my "boundary" ie, dont hurt me.

Cue my mother throwing herself up on the cross, the victim of me.

NC with my mother for several years. I wish her dead every day. It's partly because of the dreadful things she did and said. It's also partly to extinguish the foolish hope I secretly and stupidly possess that she'd miraculously become the loving mother I never had.