Is anyone here NC with a parent(s)?

[4wardnc]

If so, how long for and are you at peace with your decision?

Any regrets?

Considering doing the same and looking for perspectives.

@iamaMused To be honest I'm glad my mother sent me that last letter from beyond the grave. I'm sure she would have chuckled away to herself knowing it was coming...but really she shot herself in the foot. If there was ever any chance that I might have felt guilty after her death that chance disappeared when I got the letter. Just completely proved I was right, no shadow of a doubt. The letter proved everything about her and the sort of person she was. I'm glad she sent it. Your SIL may feel the same?

If she had sent me a letter saying how much she loved me and how sorry she was about the situation that would have been worse! Obviously she had the opportunity to do that while alive and never did even though she was told by me and my brother that we would be open to sorting things out but she had to make the first move.

Been NC with parents for 5 years, oldest sibling for 13 years - it was the best decision I’ve made. Took me a while but after therapy in 2012 I realised how damaging my parents were and so spent the next 4 years watching, listening and reading, it really was only a matter of time.
My life is so much better.

While I sympathise greatly with people who have terrible families, does going NC create more drama and surely stress in the person who does it? And may alienate you from family members you might still like to see?
Why not just LC? Polite, brief responses to queries, then switch conversation to the weather. Short visits to important events (with the firm excuse that you’ll have to leave early because of x or y). Move further away so that you’ll never bump into them or meet their friends. Treat them like children - they are, after all; many of them never grew up. You’re now the adult. You are kind (so you’ll feel no guilt when they die) but firm and take no nonsense. You’re busy and have your own life but you’ll try to fit them in for important events if they really want you there. If there’s nonsense though you’ll have to leave and they can contact you at some point when they’re feeling better.
I’m not talking here about serious physical or sexual abuse.
And all easier said than done I know.

@tobedtoMNandfart

Yes. Both parents. Went through a lot of pain to get to the final decision. My mental health is much better now. Obviously I regret it but I did feel that I had tried everything that I could to no avail.

Me too.

CovidCorvid I'm so glad to receive your positive response and 🤞 my SiL will feel the same, I will certainly be there to support her. Mumsnet is great for allowing us to realise we are not alone. In these strange times the one thing I've learned is to be kind to good people and steer clear of those who don't deserve us.

Yes. My mum walked out on us when I was a teenager. I tried so many times to reach out to her. It was always be ringing her making the conversation with her. She never contacted me it was all one way I done things like invite myself to her place. She had no interest not really.

Then we moved further away from each other so it was just phone calls. But when I spoke to her she used to cut me short " yeah that's lovely . got to go bye"

When I had my now 18 year old she promised to come amd see him. At 9 months old she still had not. When I asked why she said she dog sat for my sister and she don't have to answer to me. So after that there was no contact for a very mong time.

Then several years back there was a court case about sexual abuse that had happened in the past to do with a family members. My mum called me and spoke about it and said I needed to make a statement. She basically did it for me and I signed it. (I have learning difficulties) and now looking back I think she pushed me into it verbally/mentally and took advantage of me/the situation. She has not spoken to me since that day.

She does visit my other sister now and then and she gos to Spain in visit her /have a holiday. She lives half the year in uk other half Spain I see photos of them playing happy familys. She also has contact with the person involved with the sexual abuse. Yet I don't exist to her.

I know I have never done anything wrong to her. I tired so many times to reach out to her. But I have learnt I can't make her be my mum. She is on her 80s now. I doubt very much we will ever talk again.

@Coronawireless

While I sympathise greatly with people who have terrible families, does going NC create more drama and surely stress in the person who does it? And may alienate you from family members you might still like to see? Why not just LC? Polite, brief responses to queries, then switch conversation to the weather. Short visits to important events (with the firm excuse that you’ll have to leave early because of x or y). Move further away so that you’ll never bump into them or meet their friends. Treat them like children - they are, after all; many of them never grew up. You’re now the adult. You are kind (so you’ll feel no guilt when they die) but firm and take no nonsense. You’re busy and have your own life but you’ll try to fit them in for important events if they really want you there. If there’s nonsense though you’ll have to leave and they can contact you at some point when they’re feeling better. I’m not talking here about serious physical or sexual abuse. And all easier said than done I know.

It depends on the reason. It might be better for some relationships. If the parent is abusive, mentally, physically or both then low contact gives the parent the green light to harass/intimidate whenever the feel like it. Sometimes you can't be polite to someone who isn't capable of it themselves no matter how much you try. If you have children yourself you don't want to put them through it. If the parent has a track record of harassment and physical violence, if they come knocking and you phone the police for protection it becomes a child protection issue if there are children in the house.

NC with my father for 31 years. He was physically abusive to my mother an alcoholic, liar and thief. In turn he made my life a living hell and I was embarrassed to be his daughter.

I have no regrets whatsoever in cutting contact with him and when I briefly bumped into him in the street about 20 years ago, I had the strength to stand up for myself - no contact since. I do wonder what will happen when he dies (funeral etc) but I'll cross that bridge at the time.

I would say I am low contact with my mother in that she has re-written the past and is surprised when I can remember any thing good or bad times and still wants me to keep secrets from my sister. I keep the visits to once a month on my terms.

I haven't seen my brother for years when he escaped the shame of being part of our family. He went to live with his wife's family and left our mother and I to sort out re-hab, court and housing for our father - I was 16 at the time and he was 24. No doubt he will turn up when there is an inheritence to be had.

My saving grace is my sister. We had very different lives growing up in the same household and we both buried our heads in the sand as to what was happening to the family. I would say we grew apart as siblings do for a few years but we now live in the same town and I couldn't be happier. We speak about our past (we are the only ones that understand) and have the best relationship ever.

@Coronawireless

While I sympathise greatly with people who have terrible families, does going NC create more drama and surely stress in the person who does it? And may alienate you from family members you might still like to see? Why not just LC? Polite, brief responses to queries, then switch conversation to the weather. Short visits to important events (with the firm excuse that you’ll have to leave early because of x or y). Move further away so that you’ll never bump into them or meet their friends. Treat them like children - they are, after all; many of them never grew up. You’re now the adult. You are kind (so you’ll feel no guilt when they die) but firm and take no nonsense. You’re busy and have your own life but you’ll try to fit them in for important events if they really want you there. If there’s nonsense though you’ll have to leave and they can contact you at some point when they’re feeling better. I’m not talking here about serious physical or sexual abuse. And all easier said than done I know.

It frustrates me that there's always an exception made for physical and sexual abuse, but never for emotional abuse. People who've been emotionally abused by their parents find it extraordinarily difficult to establish and maintain firm boundaries - unsurprising, as they've been taught from an extremely early age that there's no such thing.

I went NC and it's been a difficult year for me. However, the one thing I do not have to do anymore is to think about how I'm going to engage with my parents. I didn't realise how much emotional work I was putting into trying to keep the relationship from veering off into emotional manipulation and guilt, until I just stopped being a part of it. I tried everything I could. I moved far away (which made it difficult to leave early and/or have short visits, to be honest). I attended only important events. I tried to set boundaries and enforce them. It was exhausting, because it simply didn't work.

I am learning who I am without their voices in my head and without the cord between us that, honestly, felt like it was wrapped around my neck. That's worth its weight in gold, to me.

Yes, well, with my mum (my dad died when I was young).

It’s only been about a year. She met and married a man convicted of sexually abusing his own children and who has continued to engage in inappropriate (but legal, technically) behaviour with children since they’ve been together.

Yes, I’m at peace with it. Given the severity of the situation and that my children come first, there is no other choice.

Sorry - should just add - do I regret any of my decisions? No. I picked apart and analysed each relationship and what it had done to me and what could be done to improve it. I now feel in control and that they cannot hurt me anymore. In my moments of doubt I look at my children and know that I have kept them safe and away from abusive people regardless of their title "grandad" "uncle" etc

Gone NC with my father 9 years ago, best decision I have ever made. He belittled and offended my husband on every opportunity given, and my DH would still support me keeping in touch with him. Eventually I've had enough, we're both much happier. And my DH is worth it.

Thanks for sharing experiences and feelings, it's not something that I find easy to talk about in RL as I don't have any friends who are going through this.
I am NC with parents and siblings. Just don't fit into their way of thinking which culminated in a big family showdown years ago where sides were taken and sides still remain. I wouldn't tolerate such behaviour from any friend or acquaintance plus I don't want to be treated like a doormat, that is not the example I want to set my kids.
Ive got to a point where I don't feel I'm missing out on anything. My belief is that I will only surround myself with quality people not ones who want to kick me when I'm down and play mind games for months on end. That's my family im talking about so who needs an enemy
Unfortunately horrid people come in all forms including family members. NC is allowing me to put my mental health first and get rid off all the negative drama and favouritism. Life is unpredictable but my horrid family are unfortunately predictable.
Thank you to everyone, I feel that I'm not alone in this

Two years for me.

I'm going through a patch of sadness at the moment, because I know it can't be fixed.

I can resume contact, but it just exposes me and my children to the behaviour. I can handle it, but I won't put the kids into the crosshairs.

She can't see it, so doesn't accept there's a problem - so it can never be sorted.

It's still the right decision and mostly I feel relief. But the sadness crops up every now and then.x

I'm going through a patch of sadness at the moment, because I know it can't be fixed

Big huge hug. I know that feeling so well.

20 years so far for NC with F and SM don't regret it at all. They're not nice people. Don't bring anything but judgement and pain and my life is happier and healthier without them in it. There has been a couple of times when I've nearly had to have something to do with them and the stress and anxiety it brings on really reaffirmed that it's the right decision, not only for me but DCs as I don't want them being impacted by the negativity they bring with them.

@NebbiaZanzare

I'm going through a patch of sadness at the moment, because I know it can't be fixed

Big huge hug. I know that feeling so well.

Hug from me too. I am in the same position. Minimise contact because it’s so difficult. Then feel very guilty. I get a lot of passive aggressive behaviour aimed at me as a consequence. No support from siblings. It’s a lonely place to be.

You do go through sadness but I feel it's more a grieving process for the parents they should have been. What I missed out on by their not being good, kind, caring people.

I think a lot of us spend so much time wondering what we did to deserve the treatment we got but you get to a place where you realise you didn't do anything wrong, the fault likes entirely with them, you wouldn't treat friends or colleagues as they did you yet for some reason (them being your parents I suppose) you feel as though their behaviour is some how your fault.

I'm as low contact as it's possible to be, the occasional email is all. I don't see them. I have to do this for the sake of my mental health as they are completely toxic.
I have complex PTSD as a result of my upbringing and when I see them I feel physically sick driving up to the house and all my muscles are tense.
I just can't do it anymore so I moved hundreds of miles away and use my actual ill health as an "excuse" not to visit.
They recently told me they would never be able to visit me again as I lived too far away and they couldn't manage the journey, then the next day emailed to say they were off to see my Dsis in Australia. This is what they do.

@Littlelegs2

Yes. My mum walked out on us when I was a teenager. I tried so many times to reach out to her. It was always be ringing her making the conversation with her. She never contacted me it was all one way I done things like invite myself to her place. She had no interest not really.

Then we moved further away from each other so it was just phone calls. But when I spoke to her she used to cut me short " yeah that's lovely . got to go bye"

When I had my now 18 year old she promised to come amd see him. At 9 months old she still had not. When I asked why she said she dog sat for my sister and she don't have to answer to me. So after that there was no contact for a very mong time.

Then several years back there was a court case about sexual abuse that had happened in the past to do with a family members. My mum called me and spoke about it and said I needed to make a statement. She basically did it for me and I signed it. (I have learning difficulties) and now looking back I think she pushed me into it verbally/mentally and took advantage of me/the situation. She has not spoken to me since that day.

She does visit my other sister now and then and she gos to Spain in visit her /have a holiday. She lives half the year in uk other half Spain I see photos of them playing happy familys. She also has contact with the person involved with the sexual abuse. Yet I don't exist to her.

I know I have never done anything wrong to her. I tired so many times to reach out to her. But I have learnt I can't make her be my mum. She is on her 80s now. I doubt very much we will ever talk again.

This is so sad 💐

group hug
It's very painful until you come out the other side or somehow harden yourself up over time.
Sometimes I see grannies in the playground and wish I still had my mum supporting me like they have their mum being caring and supportive but then I realise what a horrid person I have for a mother and it hurts. It's a huge disappointment really

I'd gone low contact before cutting off contact around a decade ago. I'm at ease with my decision but I always wonder what it would be like to have a parent I could rely upon for a kind word or helpful advice but I have never had that. I still get sick feelings if I am somewhere where there is the slightest chance I'd see them. They've never texted or called or added me to social media so I suppose they're happy with this

iamaMused

^^ could you write a counter letter then ?

and wish I still had my mum supporting me like they have their mum being caring and supportive

^^ I did this with MIL< my dream would have been a supportive mil whom I can share the joy of the dc with as well as the ups and downs.

Sadly she is toxic, competitive and critical and controlling and its impossible to be around her, such a shame. I am just glad my own DP were so lovely to me.