Is anyone here NC with a parent(s)?

[4wardnc]

If so, how long for and are you at peace with your decision?

Any regrets?

Considering doing the same and looking for perspectives.

I've been NC for 7 years now. It's not the solution to everything as there is still guilt, grief and sadness. There's also relief and freedom. I'm actually about to make contact again and I'm frightened to death.

Definitely join the Stately homes thread. It's full of people who will understand.

Can not imagine going nc with family. I speak x2 daily to my mum and multiple messages per day to mil. I don't speak to my dad though as he never rings me

Yeah a couple of years now and it’s so much better that I don’t have to invite him to occasions and him behaving badly worrying that he’ll upset someone else too . Nobody likes him sorry to say because he’s not a nice person . It’s a shame for him but I’m quite happy . It’s been suggested ( by a sibling) that I’m wrong to not see him only because that’s who he is . Sorry but if your a nasty unpleasant person you don’t deserve to have people in your life and nobody should put up with that , doesn’t matter if it’s you mum or dad . I’ve heard it all you only have 1 mum and dad yeah your point is . NC move it’s their loss .

I didn’t speak to my parents for three years at one point. I felt so much better, and my life improved so much. Since then I’ve had periods of months and just recently a year when I have been NC with my mother . Always a relief. She is so toxic. Every encounter leaves me upset and bruised. She is elderly now and I would love to sort things out but she will never change. It’s very sad.
Little comments, tone of voice, or outright nastiness. It gets me every time. She can be lovely but then suddenly slip into her alter ego. It’s very disconcerting and I cannot cope with her.

I've not spoken to my mum in 3 months. I'm not sure what is going to happen in the future but right now I am starting to feel better for it tbh. There was no huge fight I just stopped calling her, and she never bothered to call me. Sometimes you just realise that your life is easier without someone in it. My mum is selfish, mean and borderline abusive at times. I feel guilty sometimes and it's worse when people say "but she is your mum" but I think long term it will be better for me and my kids.

I was NC with my father from mid 80s onwards.

NC with my mother from early 2000s to now.

It was harder with my father because the lack of contact had a significant amount to do with active alienation. However I can't say he made any great efforts towards building a relationship with us either. It took me five years to get peace after I found out about his death.

With my mum, I love her, I forgive her (genuinely, not words, it just happened as part of the grief process). However I can't trust her not to keep on trying to make lies of the past a reality I accept as truth. I need space and sanctuary away from that aspect of our history. I will grieve long and hard when she dies. Mostly for the lovely mum I lost, who died and morphed into somebody else when my parents split up. But having done it once I think the process, while still complicated, will be less shocking. I know what to expect, I have a map.

I have long felt like a weirdo, estranged from my own parents. I used to tell people I'd "lost" my parents. It was true. I had. Didn't know their addresses. People obviously took that to mean they were dead, and changed the subject. For which I was grateful. I don't know why I feel such shame, but I do. Shame for my family being so messy and complicated.

I feel for anybody who has to face this choice. It might be the only available route of least pain. But for myself, it has been a long way from painless. A pain free choice wasn't on the table.

@Christmasfairy2020

Can not imagine going nc with family. I speak x2 daily to my mum and multiple messages per day to mil. I don't speak to my dad though as he never rings me

What a helpful contribution.

You should check out this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4265761-June-2021-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes

And its predecessors. You'll get a lot of good advice and support there.

My mum is diagnosed with BPD, was extremely abusive and married an even more abusive malignant narcissist. They made me the scapegoat of the family and haven't ever changed that even though I'm an adult and long gone. I don't talk to her - moved away at 15 and haven't had a real relationship with her for probably 9 years.

Yes, no contact with mother for 35 years. She was abusive in every way.

Am I comfortable with my decision? Yes, absolutely.

Do I regret it? No absolutely not.

Would I ever reconsider? Never. Not in a million years.

I'm not NC with my parents but there's no communication atm. I don't want to go NC with them but they just will not acknowledge that they hurt me and this is really bad for me, re-opens all my old wounds of being ignored, invalidated, diminished, invisible.

I could go nc more easily but I don't know if my brother would go NC on me if I went NC on my parents. He is the golden child and sees everything through their lens and that's frustrating but I don't want to lose him as well.

I would though, cos he'd side with them, so ........... :-/

@decoratedstandardlamp

I've been NC for 7 years now. It's not the solution to everything as there is still guilt, grief and sadness. There's also relief and freedom. I'm actually about to make contact again and I'm frightened to death.

Definitely join the Stately homes thread. It's full of people who will understand.

This is what I'm aware of. That NC doesn't solve everything. So I'm trying to get to the point where I'm detached enough not to care that they don't care that they hurt me and then turned round and accused me of hurting them !

@decoratedstandardlamp Good luck by the way. Chew gum. It's supposed to help send the message to your amygdala that everything must be fine.

NC with biological father, but I didn’t know him growing up so it wasnt difficult. Relationship never felt right, his wife is toxic. I have had the opportunity to go back, I did. Wished I hadn’t. Ended up embarking on therapy.

He contacted recently asking for contact, just emails. I declined. Life is better without him in it, sadly.

Yes no contact with my dad since I was 18. Been 16 years. I struggled to start with the guilt, especially with regards to my young son. But no, no guilt or regret now. I don't feel anything towards my dad now, even if I think about him occasionally there are really no feelings attached to it.

@ConstanceMarkievicz

I'm not NC with my parents but there's no communication atm. I don't want to go NC with them but they just will not acknowledge that they hurt me and this is really bad for me, re-opens all my old wounds of being ignored, invalidated, diminished, invisible.

I could go nc more easily but I don't know if my brother would go NC on me if I went NC on my parents. He is the golden child and sees everything through their lens and that's frustrating but I don't want to lose him as well.

I would though, cos he'd side with them, so ........... :-/

I totally get this. It’s so hard. I feel exactly the same. When I went NC one sibling just didn’t get in touch. The other just stooped being in touch . They have had different experiences within the family. One is the golden child and the other has only been hurt by one parent.

@LoopTheLoops

Not anymore but I didn’t speak to my mum for 3 years, you could go low contact if instead if that’s an option?

At the end of the three years was there any improvement or resolution to the reason you'd been forced to go NC three years before?

Were things any better?

NC with my father for 25 years (actually I briefly spoke to him on the phone about 20 years ago when he called unexpectedly).

No I don’t regret it for a second and I’m very glad he will never be near my children.

I feel sad sometimes - not because I want a relationship with him, but because I wanted a decent father. My sister is the only family member I have left and that makes me sad. But I’m glad I don’t have to think about him at all, and I rarely do. About once a year I look him up to see if he’s dead yet, and that’s as much thought as I give him.

@BreakingtheIce thanks for your post, cos it's a hard one. the siblings are so woven in to the dysfunction but at the same time, they weren't the parent, they don't owe me good parenting

He’s with divorced parents for different reasons -

DM for 5 years following a row which was the last straw. Having reflected since then I’ve realised how much she destroyed my self-confidence since I was a teenager, and then so many incidents and awful things she’s said over the years culminating in her humiliating me at my wedding with her shocking speech (which had everyone talking )

DF - last had contact 8 years ago but overal is been 12 years. All thanks to his manipulative wife. I miss him and he’s 81 now bit she’s his gatekeeper and they move on another country so I can’t just go and see him easily

Op it's all very weird, I adored my dm and df growing up.
They didn't get on with each other and that Caused awful family problems with my siblings and them but I got on with both of them fine.

I did argue with them and sometimes had to stop talking to my dad but under neath he and they were both so supportive and loving.

It was a massive shock to me to witness dh parents, wealthy and what should have been a happy childhood and teen years to discover total constant negativity to dh. No compliments, kind words, warm support, it's OK to say negative things like dm would say to me I needed a small heel I was flat footed etc or pop makeup on to go to the shops, she meant well and always told me I was beautiful etc.

With dh it's picking constantly at pointless crap, never a nice word always negative and always about them.
So so many incidents over the years that have been mind boggling, entitled, rude, abusive but no shouting etc.
We are now v low contact. It's wonderful, id be happy to never ever see them again.

We did go low contact and then I reached out to the them, but it went pear shape again and I thought life is too short.

Life is too short and there is no rhyme or reason for the unpalatable behaviour except their own insecure ities and issues and carrying them was detrimental to our own life.
I think dh forgets what they are like and feel a bad but the sad thing is, they have never tried to change their behaviour to him and if he popped in alone they would grill him over jibs, money work and the dc and then work on him re the dc!!

Op my family are massively depleted. I've also worried about them missing out but they don't know they will are and they know what they have.
My emotional and mental well-being was massively compromised being around them, it's great to be free.

I was nc with my father from 2007isg until his death in 2016. History of serious dv with my mum. V emotionally abusive relationship with me and lots of other stuff.

Having dd1 gave me the courage to make it permanent. I don't regret it - he wasn't coming near the dds and that was that.

I was excluded from his death funeral etc. I feel a bit of a mess about that but that's my stuff not the kids.

I kept the dds safe. That's all that matters.

I’m NC with my mum.
Growing up lots of controlling and manipulative behaviour.
Jealousy and resentment towards my first child - basically forcing me to choose between her wants and mine and my baby’s needs.
Went LC when pregnant with my second child. Then after a specific incident which she refused to apologise for I went NC - shortly after DC2 was born.

I don’t regret it. I do feel sad and angry that we couldn’t have a normal relationship. I’m sad about her lack of support for me but I’m very angry that she feels she can sabotage what I want/need to do.
I honestly believe she would have transferred this behaviour on to my children - no way was that going to happen.

I don't speak to my mother and probably won't for a long time. We've gone years without talking and then I've caved and just ended up being hurt again. She has completely rewritten my childhood, denied the neglect and emotional abuse , paints it instead as idyllic and loving. She is a narc , my brother who I also don't speak to is the golden child and they have the weirdest codepenant relationship ever. My life is so much better without them in it and I'm due my first baby in December and this has made me even more determined to stay no contact. I will not have my baby treated how I was.

I was NC with my mum for about the last 6 or 7 years of her life. She died end of last year. My only regret was going to see her in hospital on her death bed. I wish I hadn’t bothered. Poisonous bitch sent me a really nasty letter via her solicitor from beyond the grave. Pages and pages of how she hated me, etc. Confirmed everything I ever thought about her.