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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to this gift?

106 replies

NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 12:34

There's a long history here, but I'll leave that out for the sake of brevity. Name changed because DM knows I use MN.

DS is turning 3. DM and DF want to get him a gift for his birthday. Their original idea was one of those electric cars they sit in and drive, which I said no to. She then asked what to get him for his birthday, so I gave her a list (little drum kits, stuff for the garden etc). She ignored said list and proceeded to visit a toy store and send me pics of various gifts. I said no to some and yes to others, and suggested various different alternatives. They (she and DF) made a purchase, stated it was not from the list and said that they'd decided to keep it secret from me until the birthday.

Anyway, DM couldn't help herself and blurted out during discussion about something else that they'd bought DS a trike (that I'd explicitly said no to in the chat when she sent me a photo). I've told her we have no need for it (he already has a bike and a scooter), no space for it (we're desperately trying to cut down on toy clutter, they know this) and that they can keep it at their house. DM said she'll bring it to our house on DS's birthday anyway and take it back again. I've said no and that if it is brought here there will be a fall-out.

DM thinks I should just be grateful for what I'm given for DS and says that she only thought of what would make him happy. I think it's less about what will make DS happy and more about what DM wants to buy. I'd honestly be happy with no gifts- she buys him something every time we see her (weekly) and we have enough stuff to keep a soft play running, but given our history, there is a chance I'm overreacting.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 08/06/2021 12:49

I don't think YABU for not wanting your mum to buy the trike, but I really don't see a problem with her bringing it round to give him on his birthday, and taking it back to her house afterwards. Or keeping the trike at your house, and letting her take the bike or scooter.

TimeForTeaAndG · 08/06/2021 12:51

Guarantee if it gets brought into your house then it won't be taken back to theirs' cos it would be such a shame to remove it when he clearly loves it so much...blah blah blah.

SnackSizeRaisin · 08/06/2021 12:54

Annoying. I get fed up with the huge amounts of gifts that the children neither want nor need as well. Most of it goes straight to the charity shop. Tell her she can keep it at hers and she's not to bring it to yours. Otherwise you will give it to charity as you have no space for it. I would also tell her not to buy anything unless it's Christmas or his birthday. It's terrible for the environment as well as spoiling the excitement of gifts for him.

Dozer · 08/06/2021 12:54

Do you really have ‘no room’ or is it that you don’t want the trike? Fair enough even if it’s the latter!

Can be rude behaviour by family members IMO to buy costly/physically large gifts.

Agree that if you don’t want it to stay at your house DM shouldn’t bring it over, as DS could become upset. If you can’t trust her not to bring it, would ask her not to visit that day.

Dozer · 08/06/2021 12:55

Suggest agreeing your ‘boundaries’ on gifts, and what you’ll do if DM doesn’t heed them, with DH then a sit down chat with your DM to set them out. Then follow through.

Ilovemaisie · 08/06/2021 12:59

If he already has a scooter and a bike then wouldn't a trike be a bit 'babyish' for him. Maybe point that out - trikes are usually for younger children.

Original poster

NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 12:59

@TimeForTeaAndG

Guarantee if it gets brought into your house then it won't be taken back to theirs' cos it would be such a shame to remove it when he clearly loves it so much...blah blah blah.

This is my worry. And she's not above telling DS that she'd like to leave it for him but Mummy won't let her.

OP posts:

AutistGoth · 08/06/2021 13:00

YANBU. Your home, your DS, your rules.

You have been perfectly reasonable by trying to liaise with them about what to purchase (making a list and providing plenty of alternatives). They chose to ignore it. That's unreasonable.

I hope you and your DS enjoy his third birthday.

Original poster

NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 13:04

Do you really have ‘no room’ or is it that you don’t want the trike? Fair enough even if it’s the latter!

It's a mixture, to be honest. Space is at a premium at the moment and we're moving house soon, so extra stuff really isn't helpful, but also he's really into his balance bike at the moment and needs to practice on that to get proficient at it, so I wouldn't want to swap him over onto a trike. She feels he should use stabilisers instead and start on a trike to build up to that (despite my telling her all about the rationale for balance bikes when we got him one) because that's what we did as kids.

OP posts:

JackieQueen · 08/06/2021 13:05

Not much point in asking you in the first place what to buy if she was just gonna ignore you!

Original poster

NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 13:05

@Ilovemaisie

If he already has a scooter and a bike then wouldn't a trike be a bit 'babyish' for him. Maybe point that out - trikes are usually for younger children.

Apparently the box says the trike goes up to age 8.

OP posts:

Abouttimemum · 08/06/2021 13:05

I’d have said yes to the electric car tbh

Original poster

NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 13:10

@AutistGoth

YANBU. Your home, your DS, your rules.

You have been perfectly reasonable by trying to liaise with them about what to purchase (making a list and providing plenty of alternatives). They chose to ignore it. That's unreasonable.

I hope you and your DS enjoy his third birthday.

Thank you. Sometimes I start to doubt myself because she reacts like I'm being really unreasonable. She said I was too controlling.

OP posts:

Original poster

NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 13:11

@Abouttimemum

I’d have said yes to the electric car tbh

They're massive though, and they've got to be stored somewhere when not in use. Plus we've not got a garden big enough for him to use it on and when we go out for walks I prefer him to use his legs.

OP posts:

DeathStare · 08/06/2021 13:16

So, basically you made a parenting decision (how to teach your child to ride a bike) that she disagrees with because it's not the decision she made. So to try to force your hand she is dressing her way up as a gift for your DS so that she can emotionally blackmail you into doing it her way. Or at least that's what it seems like to me.

No YANBU to refuse the "gift" - it's not really a gift is it; its manipulation. In fact if you don't refuse such "gifts" she'll never stop trying to manipulate you into parenting her way.

CaptainThe95thRifles · 08/06/2021 13:18

A trike is better than one of the miniature electric car abominations at least. Still pointless if he has a balance bike though.

NannyR · 08/06/2021 13:22

If he's got a bike and scooter, I can't imagine he would be that impressed with a tricycle. That's more of a gift for a one or two year old.

Floralnomad · 08/06/2021 13:28

I would have just linked to whichever electric car / quad you wanted and let her go with that . I was never precious about what my mum / sister bought for ours , if they bought something I didn’t want at home I simply took it to theirs next time I was over and left it there . We had a baby quad and one for bigger kids and they were very well used and also sold on really well when we had finished with them .

shouldistop · 08/06/2021 13:29

I don't see the problem with her bringing it over for his birthday then keeping it at hers.

Original poster

NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 13:33

So, basically you made a parenting decision (how to teach your child to ride a bike) that she disagrees with because it's not the decision she made.

I think you might be right here. She does have a history of backseat parenting. She tends to take any decision we make that isn't the decision she made as an insult. Then she gets defensive and tries to find ways to rubbish what I have decided to do and will actively subvert me when possible.

She's just sent me an article on the merits of learning to ride using a trike first.

OP posts:

Original poster

NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 13:35

@shouldistop

I don't see the problem with her bringing it over for his birthday then keeping it at hers.

There could well be tears if DS decides he wants to keep it on the day (and it'd be a chance for DM to paint me as the bad guy, which she definitely would do).

OP posts:

BetterThanKleenex · 08/06/2021 13:37

YANBU. It's clearly something you appreciate, but don't need. Perhaps she could get him a sentimental gift, or something for his new bedroom for when you move. Maybe she could take him shopping so they get to choose together? Or could she pay for a day out for all of you?

JustLyra · 08/06/2021 13:42

@NCSistineChapel

So, basically you made a parenting decision (how to teach your child to ride a bike) that she disagrees with because it's not the decision she made.

She's just sent me an article on the merits of learning to ride using a trike first.

I wouldn’t let her bring the Trike over at all on that basis. Plus it’s probably time for a chat telling her that you don’t appreciate her deliberately trying to undermine your parenting decisions like that.

That’s not a Granny buying a toy she thinks her GC will like. That’s a Granny deciding the parents are doing something the wrong way and deciding to do things her way by doing something that’s hard to politely call out on.

JustLyra · 08/06/2021 13:43

and it'd be a chance for DM to paint me as the bad guy, which she definitely would do).

That’s a much bigger problem than the trike.

You need to put a stop to that while your child is young and you need to do it firmly and make her realise that slagging you off won’t make for a good relationship with you and your child.

godmum56 · 08/06/2021 13:45

Better to get this sorted now than wait until your littlie is older!

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