To say no to this gift?

[NCSistineChapel]

There's a long history here, but I'll leave that out for the sake of brevity. Name changed because DM knows I use MN.

DS is turning 3. DM and DF want to get him a gift for his birthday. Their original idea was one of those electric cars they sit in and drive, which I said no to. She then asked what to get him for his birthday, so I gave her a list (little drum kits, stuff for the garden etc). She ignored said list and proceeded to visit a toy store and send me pics of various gifts. I said no to some and yes to others, and suggested various different alternatives. They (she and DF) made a purchase, stated it was not from the list and said that they'd decided to keep it secret from me until the birthday.

Anyway, DM couldn't help herself and blurted out during discussion about something else that they'd bought DS a trike (that I'd explicitly said no to in the chat when she sent me a photo). I've told her we have no need for it (he already has a bike and a scooter), no space for it (we're desperately trying to cut down on toy clutter, they know this) and that they can keep it at their house. DM said she'll bring it to our house on DS's birthday anyway and take it back again. I've said no and that if it is brought here there will be a fall-out.

DM thinks I should just be grateful for what I'm given for DS and says that she only thought of what would make him happy. I think it's less about what will make DS happy and more about what DM wants to buy. I'd honestly be happy with no gifts- she buys him something every time we see her (weekly) and we have enough stuff to keep a soft play running, but given our history, there is a chance I'm overreacting.

AIBU?

I still have issues with my mom now, at soft play recently I told her I didn’t want DD2 (just turned one) taken into the older kids section onto the trampoline with DD1 who was falling about everywhere and other much older kids running in and out. Went to the toilets a few minutes later and came back out to find her hurrying out of the older kids section with DD2. I said I specifically told her not to take her in and she said ‘oh I must not have heard you’. Completely lying to me.

This sounds like my mother. It's really tough, I hear you.

If he has a balance bike then really no point getting him a trike! He can learn to ride a normal bike by the time he is 4.

I'm the granny that wants to buy everything but sticks to the rules and totally go with the actual parents wishes. It would be great if the other granny did the same!

As ever, the way to handle GPs with no boundaries is the three dos.
Do you love your grandson?
Do you want a relationship with him?
Do what you're fucking told.

Oh my, I LOVE this! 🤣

I wish all posters would RTFT & see DM is a narcissist & OP needs advice to pull back.

OP, use the 'grey rock' technique to pull back. Extend time between visits and don't fuel her desire to control you and DS by saying you are pulling back.

Look into 'the drama triangle' to see the roles that are being played out. Then step out of it!

Yes, I think some people are failing to see the bigger picture of OP's mum's behaviour here.

OP, I think you should consider taking a leaf out of your sister's book and take a step back from this relationship. I understand that you want your son to be loved, but I think as time goes on it will be harmful to expose him to her controlling and manipulative behaviours.

I also think you would benefit from reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.