To say no to this gift?

[NCSistineChapel]

There's a long history here, but I'll leave that out for the sake of brevity. Name changed because DM knows I use MN.

DS is turning 3. DM and DF want to get him a gift for his birthday. Their original idea was one of those electric cars they sit in and drive, which I said no to. She then asked what to get him for his birthday, so I gave her a list (little drum kits, stuff for the garden etc). She ignored said list and proceeded to visit a toy store and send me pics of various gifts. I said no to some and yes to others, and suggested various different alternatives. They (she and DF) made a purchase, stated it was not from the list and said that they'd decided to keep it secret from me until the birthday.

Anyway, DM couldn't help herself and blurted out during discussion about something else that they'd bought DS a trike (that I'd explicitly said no to in the chat when she sent me a photo). I've told her we have no need for it (he already has a bike and a scooter), no space for it (we're desperately trying to cut down on toy clutter, they know this) and that they can keep it at their house. DM said she'll bring it to our house on DS's birthday anyway and take it back again. I've said no and that if it is brought here there will be a fall-out.

DM thinks I should just be grateful for what I'm given for DS and says that she only thought of what would make him happy. I think it's less about what will make DS happy and more about what DM wants to buy. I'd honestly be happy with no gifts- she buys him something every time we see her (weekly) and we have enough stuff to keep a soft play running, but given our history, there is a chance I'm overreacting.

AIBU?

I would definitely make a big point of saying no, to any gifts that you don't want,or need for your child. Some parents make a big issue with buying presents for their grandchildren, but they would save money if they listened to what was advised by the child's Mother.

I used to have this issue with my late Mum, and Late MIL, years ago, when my two children were youngies, but they got the message eventually, when I told them to gift only small interesting things for the children, and to save their money, as I didn't want them to have an overload of big things, as in too much, too soon.

Any chance of you popping over to DM's on the birthday (before the party, if you're having one), so that he can receive the present there and have a play on it, and it never comes to your house? (Make sure your boot is full so that there's no question of taking it back so he can carry on playing with it, and if they turn up with it later on, just don't let them in until they've put it back in their car.

I was going to say that you were BU but from your further updates, I can see why you're saying no to these gifts. That would drive me crazy too.

@NCSistineChapel - sorry, I went into 'autopilot' mode there when replying. Even still, where is your DH on this? Could he have a word with your mother, along the lines of my suggestion above? If he stays quiet and in the background, perhaps he needs to say "Thanks but no thanks" to her and see if she takes his rejection better than yours?

I just don't get this. I've just bought my granddaughter a birthday present. I suggested things to my son, he said yes and I had it delivered. Something they said she would love and had room for.

He's 3, when he's not looking just put it out of sight and then take it to their car. He will forget it soon enough.

OP, my DS had a balance bike from 2-3 yrs. he went straight onto a bike at just over 3 and we removed the stabilisers before he was given the bike. He cycled off immediately. No need for a trike. Much easiest to pedal than learn to balance.
He was on the worlds tiniest bike, he looked really cute.

I’ve been in this situation only trike was suggested and knocked back a d they bought an [expensive] electronic ride on that was heavy as well as large. Only thing is to wait for your kid to grow out of it tbh.

What you could do if you know that she’s doing this deliberately to win the argument is to praise DC when he’s on his balance bike saying how great it is that he doesn’t need a baby trike. Make sure he’s proud of how well he’s doing on the balance bike. He might not show much interest in the trike then.
My DC1 now in his 20s had a Bob the builder trike which he loved - but for his second birthday, not third. By 3 and a half (Christmas) he had a small proper bike. I would have thought 3 was too old for a trike.

Doesn’t help you with your precise issue, but it’s never too late to start with the ‘one in, one out’ rule. My sister and I have had to do this due to our very lovely and deeply caring mum being a charity shop lover and a hoarder. She has indeed found some absolutely amazing things for us all that we really needed, and we are truly grateful. The sheer volume, however (especially when they were things that were neither needed nor wanted) became overwhelming - especially for my sister, who has 3 DC.

YABU - people only allowed to buy gifts you approve of basically 🙄

YABU. They are his grandparents and can buy him what they like, so long as it's not dangerous. Agree that if you have no room to store it then suggest it stays there.

She did say that:

Anyway, DM couldn't help herself and blurted out during discussion about something else that they'd bought DS a trike (that I'd explicitly said no to in the chat when she sent me a photo). I've told her we have no need for it (he already has a bike and a scooter), no space for it (we're desperately trying to cut down on toy clutter, they know this) and that they can keep it at their house. DM said she'll bring it to our house on DS's birthday anyway and take it back again.

It was in her first post.

YABU - you DM is right, its not a gift for you so what you want and feel about it doesnt matter, you saying your happy not to recieve gifts but its not your birthday and you dont get to dictate what a gift is.

YANBU - to say you dont have enough room and it will need to stay at DM house for when the kids visit.

Honestly you sound overcontrolling on this and need to pick your fights carefully, if you keep saying 'no' to loads of things you 'no' loses any meaning.

For example: if someone told me they have a moral objection to gun based toys I clearly wouldnt buy their child a nerf gun or cowboy set, that seems a fair enough request but if someone insulted and shot down every single idea Im just going to buy the kid a birthday present without involving the parents opinion anymore.

The best gifts I got as a child came from aunts and uncles and werent run past my mam, some of them drove her irrationally insane (still as an adult dont know why, it was mainly board games she hated lol) but I thought they where fantastic and they where gifts for me after all.

The only time I ever put my foot down on a gift was one of those awful 6 foot death trap trampolines (we dont even have a garden to put it in, its not going in the living room + I know so many kids that got injured on them) but otherwise you just say thank you and smile, its the only gracious way to act when given a gift.

Yanbu. Your mother sounds dreadful tbh and why the fuck would she even buy a trike for a boy who has a bike and scooter.

Have you shown her video of him on the balance bike? He’ll be riding a normal bike with no stabilisers within the next year. See if you can find the video of Jason and Laura Kenny’s 3 year old doing that. Why on earth would she want to undermine his proper cycling progress? Things have changed since we were kids. As her to contribute towards an expensive first bike like an Islabike or Frog. He’ll be laughed out of preschool on a trike.

Why did the ask if they completely ignore suggestions?

My grandmother asked my mum if she could get my brother a darts set. Mum said no, because he was only 4. GM said 'well I've already bought it!!!' It was a real set you'd see in a pub with pointed darts, not a childrens version or with safety, foam darts!

Be grateful its a trike and not a darts set! You could always sell is soon when he had no interest in it and zooms off on the balance bike

No, grandparents can't just buy what they like! My old were terrible for this - 6 months worth of sweets bought every week, even when I had a child who was putting on too much weight and was trying to cut down on sugar. The best was when my mum decided to buy my kids a big subbuteo (sp?) table that took up half my living room!
Their hearts were in the right place but it sounds like your mum is battling for control. You are right to nip it in the bud now before your child is older and she bypasses you altogether and gives presents/make promises to your kids directly, making you the bad guy if you object!

Might this be slightly less about the trike and slightly more to do with your DM overriding your wants, needs and opinions over the course of your entire life.

Is the trike just one override too many.

I'd take it. I would leave it in it's box. Then, I would sell it. I would also let her know I'd sold it.

I'd take it. I would leave it in it's box. Then, I would sell it. I would also let her know I'd sold it.

I told her I was getting rid of some of DS's unwanted toys once and she said they're not mine to get rid of and that she'd tell him his mummy threw his toys away if I did.

You might be right. The trike might just be one override too many.

Have you shown her video of him on the balance bike?

I have. She said it looked like a hobby horse.

I told her I was getting rid of some of DS's unwanted toys once and she said they're not mine to get rid of and that she'd tell him his mummy threw his toys away if I did.

In the nicest possible way @NCSistineChapel you have a much bigger issue than one birthday present.

Your mother is happy to make you be the bad guy to your child for perfectly normal things, as well as tries to overrule your decisions on things like how your child learns to ride a bike.

I’d bet £5 if you sat down and made a list of all the times she’s ignored, overruled and undermined you it would make very sobering reading.

You need to put a stop to this before your child is old enough to understand her drip feeding control against you, and before she starts doing it to them too

Your mother is happy to make you be the bad guy to your child for perfectly normal things, as well as tries to overrule your decisions on things like how your child learns to ride a bike.

I said that she was trying to make me the bad guy and she says that I do it myself by being the bad guy.

I think you might be right. When you say it all together in one place it starts to sound a bit extreme.

My mil bought my ds an electric car when he was little. We only had a little garden so I took it to my DF’s house where it sat for a year in his garage and then mysteriously vanished! Don’t even get me started on the Mini snooker table! Such a shame it’s legs broke!
If they buy stuff that you don’t want or have room for then ask to store it at their house. It may take a couple of years, but they’ll learn!

@NCSistineChapel

Your mother is happy to make you be the bad guy to your child for perfectly normal things, as well as tries to overrule your decisions on things like how your child learns to ride a bike.

I said that she was trying to make me the bad guy and she says that I do it myself by being the bad guy.

I think you might be right. When you say it all together in one place it starts to sound a bit extreme.

It was slightly different as it was my brother (he’s now a carbon copy of my abusive father sadly), but my DH hit a point where he - very nicely - asked me to write down all the times my brother had been rude, dismissive or patronising that I could think of. I was pretty gobsmacked when I seen the list.

From what you’ve said your mother is the same.

Getting rid of old or unused toys does not make you the bad guy. It’s a perfectly normal part of parenting. It’s not physically possible for most people to keep every single toy their child ever has.

It’s not going ro be easy to deal with it and you should be prepared for drama from your mother when you do (she’ll likely follow a set pattern - the stately homes thread might be worth a look). Best place to start though is to limit massively what you tell her.

@NCSistineChapel

I'd take it. I would leave it in it's box. Then, I would sell it. I would also let her know I'd sold it.

I told her I was getting rid of some of DS's unwanted toys once and she said they're not mine to get rid of and that she'd tell him his mummy threw his toys away if I did.

You might be right. The trike might just be one override too many.

I agree with what you and previous posters have said: It's less about the trike itself and more about the way she tries to override what you say.

You mentioned in a previous comment that you sometimes question your own judgment because she says you are too controlling. Please don't let anyone - family or not - make you feel that way. I know it's your DMum, but no one has the right to make you feel like that.

You can guarantee he'll love the jolly trike.
Just get rid of toys every few months without telling your dp's.
Your dc will forget about them and if your dm does say anything to dc you can tell him you gave it to another dc who had no toys.
I generally find dc very empathetic.