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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to this gift?

106 replies

NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 12:34

There's a long history here, but I'll leave that out for the sake of brevity. Name changed because DM knows I use MN.

DS is turning 3. DM and DF want to get him a gift for his birthday. Their original idea was one of those electric cars they sit in and drive, which I said no to. She then asked what to get him for his birthday, so I gave her a list (little drum kits, stuff for the garden etc). She ignored said list and proceeded to visit a toy store and send me pics of various gifts. I said no to some and yes to others, and suggested various different alternatives. They (she and DF) made a purchase, stated it was not from the list and said that they'd decided to keep it secret from me until the birthday.

Anyway, DM couldn't help herself and blurted out during discussion about something else that they'd bought DS a trike (that I'd explicitly said no to in the chat when she sent me a photo). I've told her we have no need for it (he already has a bike and a scooter), no space for it (we're desperately trying to cut down on toy clutter, they know this) and that they can keep it at their house. DM said she'll bring it to our house on DS's birthday anyway and take it back again. I've said no and that if it is brought here there will be a fall-out.

DM thinks I should just be grateful for what I'm given for DS and says that she only thought of what would make him happy. I think it's less about what will make DS happy and more about what DM wants to buy. I'd honestly be happy with no gifts- she buys him something every time we see her (weekly) and we have enough stuff to keep a soft play running, but given our history, there is a chance I'm overreacting.

AIBU?

OP posts:

PurpleMustang · 08/06/2021 17:15

@DeathStare

So, basically you made a parenting decision (how to teach your child to ride a bike) that she disagrees with because it's not the decision she made. So to try to force your hand she is dressing her way up as a gift for your DS so that she can emotionally blackmail you into doing it her way. Or at least that's what it seems like to me.

No YANBU to refuse the "gift" - it's not really a gift is it; its manipulation. In fact if you don't refuse such "gifts" she'll never stop trying to manipulate you into parenting her way.

This in triplicate

HooverPhobic · 08/06/2021 17:16

My grandmother asked my mum if she could get my brother a darts set. Mum said no, because he was only 4. GM said 'well I've already bought it!!!' It was a real set you'd see in a pub with pointed darts, not a childrens version or with safety, foam darts!

That's hilarious!

Original poster

NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 17:19

Getting rid of old or unused toys does not make you the bad guy. It’s a perfectly normal part of parenting. It’s not physically possible for most people to keep every single toy their child ever has.

DM never got rid of anything we had. And when we tried to get rid of things ourselves she'd tell us the toys would be sad if we gave them away. She'd give them voices. (And then tell us off for our untidy bedrooms.) So at least she practiced what she preaches?

Maybe you're right. It's hard though. My sister is very low contact with her and my parents think she's being massively unreasonable to cut them out of her life to the extent she has. And the individual things don't sound terrible on their own so it's really tough to rationalise when the initial emotions of the latest thing have abated (DSis is better at holding a grudge than I am.) And DM has a tendency to rewrite history so unless I've written what happened down she denies it so convincingly that I doubt myself.

Problem is that I've allowed her to be close to DS because I figured the more people who love him the better, and now he asks to see her and go to her house and it's very hard to keep any real distance.

OP posts:

BlondeRaven · 08/06/2021 17:25

YABU for dictating what someone buys your child for his birthday. Be great full your parents want to spoil him. If it takes up too much room or he dosnt play with it you can quietly donate it after. I think your acting rather entitled.

JustLyra · 08/06/2021 17:29

And DM has a tendency to rewrite history so unless I've written what happened down she denies it so convincingly that I doubt myself.

So she gaslights you as well - thats not massively surprising from what you’ve said.

It’ll be hard to start with, but it’s not hard really. He’s turning 3 so he’ll quickly get used to new routines, and the younger you do that the better.

So when he says “Can we go to Granny’s?” you just have to get into the habit of saying “Not today. Let’s go play with x/go watch y/go see what Daddy is doing”. The older he is the harder it’ll get. Young kids of that are very adaptable.

Enough4me · 08/06/2021 17:34

I've read all your posts & encourage everyone commenting telling you to accept it to do likewise your DM is not a darling she's controlling. Your own sister has pulled back and thank goodness you are moving further away. You have a stable MIL so I'd build that positive relationship up as it's better for your DS than being around your mother.

AutistGoth · 08/06/2021 17:35

@JustLyra Yes this. I didn't want to use the G word, but the part about OP's DMum re-writing history and making OP doubt herself gave me a very sad feeling.

CassandraTrotter · 08/06/2021 17:54

She has made his present all about her, rather than him.

Not sure what you can so though.

EKGEMS · 08/06/2021 18:10

Your sister isn't "better at holding a grudge" in her relationship with your parents than you, she's better at enforcing boundaries with your narcissistic mother and your father. Think about the relationship with your mom- you wouldn't tolerate a stranger butting in and overriding your parenting decisions would you? Don't let her dictate her bullshit to your little boy-protect him and yourself

Original poster

NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 18:18

Your sister isn't "better at holding a grudge" in her relationship with your parents than you, she's better at enforcing boundaries with your narcissistic mother and your father.

You're right there. She's very strong on enforcing boundaries. DSis does also refer to DM as a narcissist and DF as her enabler. I might have some reading to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 18:20

Thank you. I will try this. How often should we visit then? DSis basically does Christmas and birthdays.

OP posts:

Carrysymons · 08/06/2021 18:27

I think you are being over sensitive and over thinking this. I would let your parents buy whatever they want for your child and be grateful they want to. If space is an issue keep it at their house for now.
In a few years how and when your child learnt to ride a bike will seem to be of absolutely no importance (which it really isn't).

JustLyra · 08/06/2021 18:38

@NCSistineChapel

Thank you. I will try this. How often should we visit then? DSis basically does Christmas and birthdays.

Only you can decide that. It wouldn’t be right for someone else to tell you what to do - that would just be swapping one person telling you what to do for another.

What does your husband make of your mother? Had he ever said what he thinks of your sister’s decision?

It won’t be easy and there’s no set answer - I’m NC with my brother and sister and very LC with the other brother. They are all very close. You have to build the relationship you think is beneficial to your family - being told his mother is a bad person for normal parenting decisions isn’t a benefit atm.

Have a read up on things like the Stately home thread on here and about FOG (Fear, obligation & guilt) and once you’ve worked out how you feel about it all you’ll be able to decide better what level of relationship, if any, you want with your mother.

JustLyra · 08/06/2021 18:38

@Carrysymons

I think you are being over sensitive and over thinking this. I would let your parents buy whatever they want for your child and be grateful they want to. If space is an issue keep it at their house for now. In a few years how and when your child learnt to ride a bike will seem to be of absolutely no importance (which it really isn't).

If you read all the OP’s posts it’s very clearly not just about the trike. It’s a much bigger issue

NoProblem123 · 08/06/2021 18:53

I’d be grateful for anything tbh.
Nobody bought my children presents.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 08/06/2021 18:55

If my mum threatened and undermined me the way yours does, she wouldn't be allowed anywhere near my kids. I read stuff on here and I'm so grateful for the parents I got. Grandparents are only a benefit to a child when they enhance that child's life. It won't be good for your son if your mum drips poison in his ears about you and undermines your parenting at every opportunity. If this was me, I'd be going down the lower contact route if she went against me with the trike, having been told not to bring it

Motherissues2020 · 08/06/2021 18:58

You've got to decide what's right for you. What your sister does is up to her. If you decide something similar is good for you, then maybe ask her advice.

I think being an hr away is a good distance. Too far to just pop by, but close enough to visit or meet up somewhere for the day without having to stay over.

My DM is... an interesting character... I find meeting on neutral ground, preferably with an activity or a walk planned, is a good option, although not always possible.

Also, going LC doesn't have to be a big announcement. You can just quietly do more of what you want to do and less of what you'd prefer not to.

Original poster

NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 19:19

What does your husband make of your mother? Had he ever said what he thinks of your sister’s decision?

He really doesn't like my mother and if it were up to him we'd never see her.

OP posts:

TillyTopper · 08/06/2021 19:25

You sound quite controlling - sorry if you're really no OP! Personally I'd just take whatever she offers, then sell it it when DCs grow out of it or tire of it.

JustLyra · 08/06/2021 19:27

@NCSistineChapel

What does your husband make of your mother? Had he ever said what he thinks of your sister’s decision?

He really doesn't like my mother and if it were up to him we'd never see her.

Might be worth thinking about the fact that your husband and your sister don’t like her.

Did your sister’s relationship with her get worse when she had children by any chance?

Original poster

NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 19:36

Did your sister’s relationship with her get worse when she had children by any chance?

My sister doesn't have children yet. Her relationship with DM got worse when DSis became a pre-teen and has been on a downward slope since then. DSis feels that I was/am the 'golden child'.

OP posts:

Fauvist · 08/06/2021 19:39

I would suggest that Christmas and birthdays is a good starting point. You can take it from there and see if you want more contact (or indeed less).

JustLyra · 08/06/2021 19:55

@NCSistineChapel

Did your sister’s relationship with her get worse when she had children by any chance?

My sister doesn't have children yet. Her relationship with DM got worse when DSis became a pre-teen and has been on a downward slope since then. DSis feels that I was/am the 'golden child'.

Ah. So you were the golden child and she was the scapegoat, and possible now your DC is the GC and you are the new scapegoat...

Do some reading. For all your sakes do some reading and see what, if anything, jumps out.

StevenYerTeasReady · 08/06/2021 20:27

As ever, the way to handle GPs with no boundaries is the three dos.
Do you love your grandson?
Do you want a relationship with him?
Do what you're fucking told.

Babynames2 · 08/06/2021 20:36

The excess of buying of toys is so annoying. We have a 3 year old and 1 year old, over their birthdays/christmases MIL has bought 4 tea sets! I don’t even know how she keeps forgetting she bought one the year before. My parents are the excessive buyers of big presents and it drives me crazy, I have managed to get them to cut down and ask before they buy big things, but my mom will still turn up with new crap all the time.

I do think it’s more of a control issue, it certainly was my with parents and it was quite frosty with them for a while after DD1 was born. They didn’t transition well from being the parents in charge to grandparents at all.

I still have issues with my mom now, at soft play recently I told her I didn’t want DD2 (just turned one) taken into the older kids section onto the trampoline with DD1 who was falling about everywhere and other much older kids running in and out. Went to the toilets a few minutes later and came back out to find her hurrying out of the older kids section with DD2. I said I specifically told her not to take her in and she said ‘oh I must not have heard you’. Completely lying to me. When those sort of things happen I try and take a step back from the for a while, it’s like she gets to a point where she forgets that they aren’t actually her children.

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