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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this gift?

106 replies

NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 12:34

There's a long history here, but I'll leave that out for the sake of brevity. Name changed because DM knows I use MN.

DS is turning 3. DM and DF want to get him a gift for his birthday. Their original idea was one of those electric cars they sit in and drive, which I said no to. She then asked what to get him for his birthday, so I gave her a list (little drum kits, stuff for the garden etc). She ignored said list and proceeded to visit a toy store and send me pics of various gifts. I said no to some and yes to others, and suggested various different alternatives. They (she and DF) made a purchase, stated it was not from the list and said that they'd decided to keep it secret from me until the birthday.

Anyway, DM couldn't help herself and blurted out during discussion about something else that they'd bought DS a trike (that I'd explicitly said no to in the chat when she sent me a photo). I've told her we have no need for it (he already has a bike and a scooter), no space for it (we're desperately trying to cut down on toy clutter, they know this) and that they can keep it at their house. DM said she'll bring it to our house on DS's birthday anyway and take it back again. I've said no and that if it is brought here there will be a fall-out.

DM thinks I should just be grateful for what I'm given for DS and says that she only thought of what would make him happy. I think it's less about what will make DS happy and more about what DM wants to buy. I'd honestly be happy with no gifts- she buys him something every time we see her (weekly) and we have enough stuff to keep a soft play running, but given our history, there is a chance I'm overreacting.

AIBU?

OP posts:
applespearslemons · 08/06/2021 13:46

I hear you. I have a 3 year old and ever growing pile of crap at home. Most of it unloved

This is annoying as they're really just indulging themselves

Why does a 3 year old need a trike if he already has a bike?

Silly waste of money.

Honestly, I'd rather people spent £20 on a small token gift than throw money down the drain. Or give cash for you to put into the bank for another time.

CrazyCatsAndKittens · 08/06/2021 13:46

Send her back an article on balance bikes.

It’s obviously not about the trike per se as others have pointed out. She’s being controlling. Are you moving far away from her? Because I think some distance would be healthy for you.

colouringcrayons · 08/06/2021 13:47

With the update that she is pushing the trike over a bike then YANBU.

colouringcrayons · 08/06/2021 13:49

This is annoying as they're really just indulging themselves absolutely this - similar too with sweets which used to be rare treats but now are everywhere and very cheap so many a grandparent merrily sends over a pound of sweets on a regular basis.

applespearslemons · 08/06/2021 13:53

Similar to my in laws who love to buy little outfits which are totally inappropriate and impractical such as dungarees when we're in the midst of potty training. They'll never be worn 🙄

RestingStitchFace · 08/06/2021 13:54

YABU (a little bit). Grandparents get joy out of spoiling their grandkids. I think the idea of keeping a trike at grandparents house is a good compromise tbh. Appreciate it's frustrating when they won't listen but tbh I'd pick your battles, Op. This doesn't seem with it.

Original poster
NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 13:55

similar too with sweets which used to be rare treats but now are everywhere and very cheap so many a grandparent merrily sends over a pound of sweets on a regular basis

She does this too! I've given up on fighting that battle- DS never eats anything with any nutritional value at her house because he knows cakes and chocolates are at hand. She gave him his first ever chocolate literally minutes after I'd told her I thought he was too young for it (she took him away from me into the kitchen to do it and then got all defensive when I followed and caught her).

I think you're right- it is about indulging the adult.

OP posts:
IAmDaveTheSerialShagger · 08/06/2021 13:58

I think you are out of order, do you dictate to everyone else what they should specifically buy you or your family for gifts?
The present is for your son, and yes you are being ungrateful but I think you already know that.

Original poster
NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 13:58

Are you moving far away from her?

Further. Still under an hour's drive though.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 08/06/2021 13:59

To me this isn’t about indulging the Granny.

It’s about Granny getting one up on the parents and that’s a much bigger issue.

SwimBaby · 08/06/2021 14:00

Can she keep the trike a her house?

IAmDaveTheSerialShagger · 08/06/2021 14:02

@AutistGoth

YANBU. Your home, your DS, your rules.

You have been perfectly reasonable by trying to liaise with them about what to purchase (making a list and providing plenty of alternatives). They chose to ignore it. That's unreasonable.

I hope you and your DS enjoy his third birthday.

BINGO! I knew someone would say this! Well no actually because I guarantee the @NCSistineChapel would not dictate to anyone else what they should buy!

It's a Birthday present which I am sure the little one will love and enjoy. This sounds more like personal control issue between mother and daughter, something that between them and should not be at the expense of a 3 year old on his Birthday!

Original poster
NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 14:05

I think you are out of order, do you dictate to everyone else what they should specifically buy you or your family for gifts?

No, but MIL and DSis ask anyway (and actually stick to the list) and everyone else buys one small thing, usually clothes. I didn't dictate to DM either at first, but DM has bought him a full Santa sack plus bigger items every Christmas so far- more than we buy him- and after last time I asked that she stick to one toy only, with additional books and clothing if she really felt the need. This seems to have resulted in the desire to buy a big present. She equates stuff with love and was the same when we were kids- mountains of stuff. We weren't even allowed to throw anything away.

OP posts:
ScottishNewbie · 08/06/2021 14:06

YANBU and I would tell her that her actions raised a red flag for ignoring parenting boundaries you have put in place. Better to nip it in the bud now, rather than having this sort of thing continually happen.

She's massively BU

Toddlerteaplease · 08/06/2021 14:06

Rather an electric car than a mini drum kit!

Original poster
NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 14:09

@Toddlerteaplease

Rather an electric car than a mini drum kit!
Grin

We actually got him the drum kit in the end after she didn't buy it for him- he really likes hitting stuff seems interested in percussion. I know that I'll come to regret it!

OP posts:
AgathaAllAlong · 08/06/2021 14:15

YABU. They are his grandparents and can buy him what they like, so long as it's not dangerous. Agree that if you have no room to store it then suggest it stays there. Honestly though, having to send you photos so you can veto is way over the top.

LookItsMeAgain · 08/06/2021 14:18

Where is your DH in all of this?

Can't they say to your MiL "Thanks for the gift mum but as you know we're moving house so something smaller would have been better this year. I hope you kept the receipt as it will have to be returned for something smaller. Oh and @NCSistineChapel speaks for both of us when she is giving you a list so it's not just her personal choice of gift, we've discussed things and this is what we both think is appropriate for little Davy at this stage. If you disagree, please get him prize bonds instead."

SmokeyDevil · 08/06/2021 14:20

@Leeds2

I don't think YABU for not wanting your mum to buy the trike, but I really don't see a problem with her bringing it round to give him on his birthday, and taking it back to her house afterwards. Or keeping the trike at your house, and letting her take the bike or scooter.
Ha it won't leave the house. It will stay there.

Just start selling the crap she brings round op. Or give it away to a local nursery. Not the trike though, just sell that.

JustLyra · 08/06/2021 14:20

@LookItsMeAgain

Where is your DH in all of this?

Can't they say to your MiL "Thanks for the gift mum but as you know we're moving house so something smaller would have been better this year. I hope you kept the receipt as it will have to be returned for something smaller. Oh and @NCSistineChapel speaks for both of us when she is giving you a list so it's not just her personal choice of gift, we've discussed things and this is what we both think is appropriate for little Davy at this stage. If you disagree, please get him prize bonds instead."

For once on here it’s not the MiL, it’s the OPs DM
Drinkingallthewine · 08/06/2021 14:29

I had a similar standoff with DM when DS was 3. She wanted to get him this ride-on thing that was massive. I said no, tiny apartment, no garden etc. So she bought it for nephew. Dsis also refused to take it citing lack of space. So then next thing was, it was for DS's birthday.

So I said sure, keep it at yours and he can play with it there. She deliberately misheard that and decided I was offering the other granny's house - eh lol nope. She brought it up for his birthday anyway and I pointedly left it outside my apartment door before she left. She was aghast that "it will get stolen there!!" I shrugged and said well, I told you not to give it to DS because we have no room for it so that's where it's going to have to live. So she took it home.
Then we moved and literally the day after we moved in, up she rocks with this damn thing "oh now you have space for him to play with it"
A week later she asked was DS enjoying it, I said no, neighbour kid broke it within 24 hrs.

It was funny at the time but she's learned her lesson - I will just dump her shit back at her house if I tell her I've no room.

We are moving again, and her eyes lit up thinking of all the crap in her house she could rehome but I nixed that. I had decades living with other people's decor in rented places and I'm not taking a stick of furniture from anyone for this place unless it's something I actually want.

Original poster
NCSistineChapel · 08/06/2021 14:31

@LookItsMeAgain

Where is your DH in all of this?

Can't they say to your MiL "Thanks for the gift mum but as you know we're moving house so something smaller would have been better this year. I hope you kept the receipt as it will have to be returned for something smaller. Oh and @NCSistineChapel speaks for both of us when she is giving you a list so it's not just her personal choice of gift, we've discussed things and this is what we both think is appropriate for little Davy at this stage. If you disagree, please get him prize bonds instead."

It's my DM. MIL is actually very lovely and far less trouble.
OP posts:
Flamglimglubberty · 08/06/2021 14:42

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger are you the granny in question?

I agree with general consensus that it's overbearing, and points to a wider issue. I have the exact same problem with my grandmother who seems to equate extravagant and pointless gifts with love. My child really isn't interested in plastic tat yet she insists on buying it. She simply won't accept that my child likes books and CD'S... That's not a good enough present for him (her words not mine)

Beautiful3 · 08/06/2021 14:43

Its super annoying when people buy massive gifts. We had to tell my fil to please stop buying big things like a desk, chair, push along trike. It was crazy as we live in a tiny house, and it was in the living room at one point. All gifted to charity now. Yanbu at all.

godmum56 · 08/06/2021 14:46

@AgathaAllAlong

YABU. They are his grandparents and can buy him what they like, so long as it's not dangerous. Agree that if you have no room to store it then suggest it stays there. Honestly though, having to send you photos so you can veto is way over the top.
well they can buy it but the OP doesn't have to keep it or even allow it in her house.