To ask if these are suitable chores for a teenager?

[yoyo1234]

I think it is time to get my eldest to help out a bit around the house and start to take some responsibility for themselves.
Currently they do not make their own breakfast, pack their own school bag, make their bed, put their laundry in the laundry bin..... Basically we do everything they even get breakfast in bed (a lot of the time).
I was thinking get their own breakfast, pack own school bag, make bed etc in morning. Once per week make a simple meal for family (they tell us what they want to prepare we get ingredients and help), maybe at weekend do 1 hour gardening and do one dishwasher and washing machine load (to help gain independence).

Out of interest OP, is there any risk of additional needs of the teen not being neuro-typical? I often got breakfast in bed, was probably quite like your son at 15. My mum basically helped me get dressed in the mornings till I left primary school. It was totally regarded as me being a bit 'spoilt' and bad in the morning and the only way to get me out of the house, but as an adult I've realised I have ADHD and dyspraxia. I really, genuinely struggled with a lot of those things. And on some level, I think my parents recognised this. But yes, if its not an issue, even undiagnosed, then I think things need to change and if possible it needs to come from your husband. If you're already the taskmaster, he'll ignore you and it sounds like your husband might anyway. So you need to get him on side and enforcing things.

They would not sign up to CCF or DoE.

You need to remember the trajectory of total dependence as a newborn to independence at (roughly) eighteen. That is your job. That is your husband’s job too. Infantilising your children is failing them.

Packing their own bags and making their own breakfast are not chores. My 5-year old has been getting her own breakfast for quite a while now..

a 15-year old should also be contributing to the rest of the household management, i.e doing something for the entire family, not just themselves.

I was living by myself (and in a foreign country) as a 15-year old - cooking, cleaning, doing laudry, getting myself to school etc. Getting their own cereal is really not too much to ask.

My 15 year old is very independent, more so than 21 year old. Just left them together for a weekend and it was def the younger one who knew what he was doing more, especially with cooking but he loves doing that.
A 15 year old should be capable of all chores.. Recently I bought him a new bed and we built it together so he's got that experience.
He's got a part time job too!! I'm not at all concerned for when he leaves home!

They can't even arsed to put their laundry in the bin? Again, not a 'chore' and not 'helping out'. Just picking up your own shit.

Id be interested to see what the OP's husband has to say no he has seen all of our responses. I feel very strongly that my job as to parent isn't to do everything for my children, but to encourage and teach and make my children into independent adults.
I am fairly confident I could leave my 12YO alone for a week and all basic shopping housework school-related stuff would be done. He wouldn't spend hours on the garden but he can mow the lawn, shop, prepare meals, care for himself, dishes, laundry all fine.

I WOULDNT leave him, obviously, but i could. He also knows basic "house stuff" like dealing with tripped fuses, where to find the plumbers phone number, change lightbulb etc.

My 10 and 5 year olds get their own breakfast and unload the dishwasher between them. They need reminding about putting washing in basket and putting clean clothes away but they will do it. They are however dreadful at tidying up after themselves. At 15 I hope they will be doing some of the washing up and cooking, and know how to do laundry themselves.

Breakfast in bed? Never. They'd starve first.

Just to put this into perspective, I know children with severe special needs who are learning to be independent and can make a bed and prepare a simple meal with minimal supervision. It is humbling to watch and makes me realise how much I do for my DC (too much).

Breakfast in bed?!? Lordy. Can I come over.

DS is 12. He will d the following without being asked-
Dirty clothes in the basket
Put away clean things
Load and unload dish washer
Sort out school bag and complete homework
Make bed and keep room clean
Make simple breakfast and own packed lunch

When asked he will
Set or cleaner the table
Empty tumble dryer
Strip bed
Bring a wash in

I am aghast at the lack of input from your son. I take it your dh does all the chores then?!!

My son has done all that since about 9? Plus strip and re make his bed.

He doesn't cook out kitchen is tiny. And I'm particular about how clean I like it. He'd do himself basic food but not cook for all of us.

Add to the list 'putting a load in the washing machine'

My DCs have never had breakfast in bed. They probably don't even know its a thing.

My Dd (14) not only packs her own school bag but also her own suitcase for holidays, and has since she was about 8. She is responsible for her own laundry, sorts out her own dinner twice a week and her lunches at weekends. Her bedroom is her own affair, she doesn't make her bed but that's her choice. She doesn't do the garden unless she is paid.

Making your own breakfast and packing your own school bag is not a chore

Currently they do not make their own breakfast, pack their own school bag, make their bed, put their laundry in the laundry bin..... Basically we do everything they even get breakfast in bed (a lot of the time).
I was thinking get their own breakfast, pack own school bag, make bed etc in morning. Once per week make a simple meal for family (they tell us what they want to prepare we get ingredients and help), maybe at weekend do 1 hour gardening and do one dishwasher and washing machine load (to help gain independence).
I’ve got a 15, 13 and 11 year old. They all get there own breakfasts, Make their own packed lunch, pack their own bags and are generally responsible in making sure they are ready to leave the house on time in the morning.

They are expected to unpack their bags when they get home and put lunch boxes on the side to be washed up when that is done. We don’t have a set night for them to cook, but if they are around (ie not doing homework) they are expected to help with tea, make the drinks, sort the cutlery/condiments out. Then after tea take all the dishes through and load the dishwasher.

They put all dirty clothes in the basket (although I generally have to bag about this) and strip their beds when asked. They can all remake their beds, although sometimes I do it for them. They have to put their Clean clothes Away.

They are all capable of making a lunch (cooked - like eggs, beans, something on toast etc) and the oldest regularly makes a proper meal following a recipe she has found and wants to try. They can all make cakes/biscuits etc and often ask if they can do this independently at the weekend.

I suggest your Dh stops doing everything for your dc and teaches them a few life skills. Honestly I’m shocked that you pack their school bags. How do you know what they need/want in there?

@longwayoff

Breakfast in bed? Never. They'd starve first.

@longwayoff

🤣
same.
say once in a fortnight I take a cup of tea for DS2 in bed. he's 17 but can really struggle to get out of bed, a cuppa speeds things up.
But he also makes me cups of tea so on balance I'm better off!😉

I think you have a DH problem. Of course DC can do these things and what is more it will increase their self esteem. No one likes to feel dependant, helpless and incapable.

Is your DH justifying doing these things that prolong dependence as nice and caring acts? Is he suggesting that you are somehow mean and uncaring (hence a bad parent)?

A good parent teaches skills of independence. This is loving and caring.

A bad parent doesn't teach these skills and prolongs dependence. This is at best lazy and at worst controlling.

An abusive partner uses the children as weapons (eg denial of need, refusal to meet it) in order to criticise and control the other parent.

Why is your husband so opposed to your DC learning independent life skills? Is it because he doesn't want them to be competent or you to be independent of being a slave to their needs as if they were babies/toddlers?

I'm sorry... a 15 year old?! Not packing their own bag or getting their own breakfast?! I don't remember a time when I DIDN'T pack my own bag for school - if I forgot something, I learned not to forget it next time! And breakfast - unless someone was doing a cooked breakfast for everyone, I was expected to get my own from when I was about 6/7. In fact I was pretty insulted and frustrated if anyone tried to do these things for me; hated any suggestion that I wasn't perfectly capable myself.

How will your son learn personal responsibility if he doesn't pack his own bag and do things for himself? These are life skills.

Those things aren't chores, they are just part of self care, like cleaning your own teeth.

Sorry but at 15 they don't pack their own school bag? They should minimum be getting self up, breakfast, preparing pack up if needed, packing bag for day with what they need. Putting dishes used in breakfast in Dishwasher or washing up Putting dirty laundry in basket. Making bed and keeping room tidy.
In addition cooking a simple meal, knowing how to do a load of washing all valuable life skills my dc don't do all the time but certainly if asked do. They've also helped fo shopping and put it away. Basically mine don't have set jobs just help out as and when. Eldest also now helps with heavy lifting/going in the loft. Dh also gets him to help with DIY so he knows the basics.

They should do all this and more! Get them out in the garden to mow, doing their own laundry, get them to do the whole meal unsupervised (if you’ve no concerns about dexterity). Cleaning the bathroom after they’ve used it. They’ll have a shock in a few short years when they have to do this for themselves!

15yo and 18yo.

They both are responsible for their own bedrooms, putting stuff in laundry basket (if it's not there I don't wash it!), changing own bedding regularly, emptying bins, tidying rooms etc. They make their own breakfast and lunch (unless it is the weekend and I offer something that I'm making for the whole family). They have packed their own school stuff for years (definitely since at secondary school).

I work part-time and so do a reasonable amount of other housework but they would always help when I ask, which is regularly but ad-hoc depending on what needs doing, - i.e.
load / unload dishwasher
sort recycling / take bins out
run the hoover around
clean the bathrooms
bung washing in when asked / hang on line / put stuff away in cupboards / pair up socks etc.
If they want something ironed urgently they do it themselves.

Basically I expect everyone to pull there own weight and lend a hand - I sometimes do more which is fine because I'm at home more - but I don't expect any moaning and groaning when I ask for a hand and to be fair they are usually pretty good. I did have a regular 'chores chart' at one stage but it kind of wasn't ever kept to because of other hobbies, homework etc., so just easier to ask help from whomever is free (or loafing around looking bored).

P.S - I sometimes asked them to bring me a cup of tea in bed if they are awake before me at the weekend!

DSs 14 and 15. They brush their teeth and wash once in a while. That's good, right?

Only kidding. Their bedrooms are a mess. They don't make their beds. But they bring down their washing when I ask, they out their own clothes in the washing machine and start it (at the right temperature I may add). Then change their own sheets. They hang their washing. sometimes. I fold their clothes, they put in their drawers.

They empty the dishwasher most days and put stuff in the recycling twice a week. They always put their own plates in the dishwasher. They can cook basic meals for themselves. They will water the garden when asked.

They jmake their own breakfasts, including making pancakes and waffles not just cereals in a bowl.