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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if these are suitable chores for a teenager?

148 replies

yoyo1234 · 08/06/2021 10:44

I think it is time to get my eldest to help out a bit around the house and start to take some responsibility for themselves.
Currently they do not make their own breakfast, pack their own school bag, make their bed, put their laundry in the laundry bin..... Basically we do everything they even get breakfast in bed (a lot of the time).
I was thinking get their own breakfast, pack own school bag, make bed etc in morning. Once per week make a simple meal for family (they tell us what they want to prepare we get ingredients and help), maybe at weekend do 1 hour gardening and do one dishwasher and washing machine load (to help gain independence).

OP posts:
TooMuchPaper · 08/06/2021 11:10

He is doing the 15 year old no favours at all. In fact he is denying them the chance to become independent functioning adults.

DomPom47 · 08/06/2021 11:13

What - you pack your 15 year olds bed and bag?!? My 5 year old does this - and without me even asking him.

kitkatsky · 08/06/2021 11:13

My DD is 9 and since she was 4 we've added one new house chore per year eg- make your bed, wipe down the table after evening meal etc. That has worked well for us although too late to start that at 15. Your list is fine but needs to be more jobs. At 15 I'd expect a child to make their own breakfast and lunch (unless a special family lunch planned) wipe down the table, keep their room clean and tidy, cook once per week and do either their own washing or a shared family load once per week, then also to help out whenever there's a family big clean

fantastaballs · 08/06/2021 11:14

I have a 17 and a 13 year old at home. They divide the cores between them as and when they want but they have to-

Feed cats and feed and walk the dogs every day.
Do the dishwasher as many times as needed.
Empty the bins.
Put their own clean washing away.
Bring their dirty washing and bedding down, put a wash on and hang it out off I'm not there.
Cook one meal for us all a week.

This gets them £20 a week each. They have extra jobs to earn more money like

Hovering the stairs. Emptying the toilet and bathroom bins. Cleaning the toilet and bathroom. Doing a to run with me. Cutting the grass.

My 4 kids (2 left home) have also all been taught to decorate, lay laminate and do flat pack. So if they want new bedrooms etc I will supervise but it's all on them to do it. And they do a great job. This started because I was diagnosed with several auto immune diseases around 10-12 years ago and so when I was in a good place, I taught them life skills so they could help out when I wasn't up to it. Plus, let's be honest.... being a decent parent is about producing self sufficient young adults. Not burdens that can't cope with simple tasks.

Curlymam88 · 08/06/2021 11:21

My 8 year old also already does all of this.

Triffid1 · 08/06/2021 11:23

It's weird, women are so often blamed for men's uselessness, but my experience is the same as the OPs - its the DAD who insists on babying the child. I tell DS (10) to empty dishwasher... DH says he'll do it. I tell DS to put his clothes away.... DH does it. DS's best friend is even worse in that whatever it is doesn't get done at all because his dad says no, I'll do it. But then doesn't.

Absolutely, your teenager needs to be getting more independent pronto. At 15 I would fully expect them to be capable of doing pretty much all of the same chores you do. They don't have to actually DO them, but be capable. And they absolutely should be getting their own breakfast, managing their own school/hobby/pe bags, keeping their own room tidy etc as the bare minimum.

TotorosCatBus · 08/06/2021 11:24

Primary school kids will be doing those chores.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 08/06/2021 11:30

I'm a little shocked at how little he has responsibility for. As others have said, most primary children are doing some of these.

I'd start off with his taking responsibility for his stuff (breakfast/bag packing etc). Clearing the table after a meal and stacking the dishwasher is the responsibility of whoever ate and didn't cook the meal in our house, every meal not just once a week.

Gardening and cleaning of communal spaces eg the bathroom or lounge are things I chose to pay the children to do to supplement their pocket money.

Making meals - great skill to encourage. Given the shock he going to have to his system with the other things , maybe introduce meal prep during the summer holidays when he has more time .

isthismylifenow · 08/06/2021 11:33

OP, how is packing his bag teaching him any responsibility?

So if he has 'forgotten' something, then whose fault is that?

He is in for a shock when he goes out into the big wide world.

My dc get breakfast in bed if they are ill. And that is probably the only time. Oh and maybe on a birthday, but not necessarily.

I don't think there is anything wrong with the gardening chore. It is something he is going to have to do as an adult so he may as well learn now.

legotruck · 08/06/2021 11:34

It's probably too late

2bazookas · 08/06/2021 11:35

You're about five years late!

Of course a 15 yr old should be doing all those things.

FreezerBird · 08/06/2021 11:36

There are lots of reasons why a 15yo might not be doing some of those things yet so I'm not going to get into that.

BUT what I would say is that as well as doing the chores, 15 is well old enough to be having a chat with them about WHY you are asking them to do it.

My 16yo is very late to take on a lot of this stuff for various reasons but he's finished school now until college in September so we've had conversations about how we're expecting him to take on a more adult role in the household and that this is part of the transition from childhood to adulthood. Also the stuff about preparing for independence.

His pocket money/allowance is linked to this but not as a 'price list' of jobs as no-one pays you a certain amount to keep your room clean when you're an adult. But if he's not keeping his end of the deal (there are certain things he has to do plus an expectation that he'll be helpful around the house and do chores when asked) we will go back to just us buying him then basics and him not having money for extras.

This morning he's hung the washing out when it finished, turned the immersion on (not massive thing but involves remembering which of the many switches in the airing cupboard it is - he struggles with memory issues), stripped his bed and is tidying his room. I don't expect it to be immaculate but I expect to be able to get the hoover in there.

Jennyfromtheculdesac · 08/06/2021 11:38

You lost me at your 15 year old not packing their own school bag!

poshme · 08/06/2021 11:40

My three kids (teens and preteens):
Put own washing in laundry basket.
Put own washing away from clean basket
Strip own sheets & bring down
Make own beds (youngest has help)
Dust & hoover own bedrooms (well DS doesn't but he is happy to live with the dust)
Pack own school bags
Make own packed lunches
Make own breakfast
Lay table before meals/clear after & load dishwasher
Empty dishwasher

I have to remind them to do most of these.

Oldest also sometimes makes dinner.
They are all expected to help get stuff out for lunches at weekends.

Occasionally they help get washing in.

Wiredforsound · 08/06/2021 11:41

You pack your kid’s school bag? At 15? Blimey, I haven’t been near my kids’ bags since they were about 8. God knows what’s in them 😂

saraclara · 08/06/2021 11:42

It's difficult to take in what I'm reading. My kids were packing their own school bag from five. And unpacking the dishwasher from the time they were safe to handle crockery and reach the cupboard. Those were day to day things. First thing saturday morning the whole family did an hour's housework, so the kids did their own rooms, changed their bed linen as soon as physically capable, and would bring down their own washing. Sunday evenings they sorted the clean washing and put theirs away.
By secondary school they were making their own sandwiches for lunch. This was all normal in their peer group.

Your DH (and sorry, that this has gone on for so long is partly down to you too) has really let your DC down.
You refer to your "eldest". Is the same happening with younger sibling/s?

HelenHywater · 08/06/2021 11:42

I'm quite shocked OP that you do all of that for your teens. But I think you're sensible to start making changes - it's not helping them to keep on pandering to them so much.

My teens (13, 16 and 18) make their own breakfast and lunch. Sort themselves out for school. Cook dinner for the family twice a week (the 13 yo once a week - he's still learning basic recipes), collect their younger sister from school, walk the dogs, do their washing, empty the dishwasher and bin (this is a bit more challenging) and take part in the weekly clean on a Saturday. My 9 yo does her own breakfast and lunch (if she's in the house), will walk a dog round the block and brings her washing down. She's expected to help too with the cleaning.

notalwaysalondoner · 08/06/2021 11:42

This is definitely reasonable, even for a younger child, I'd say a 10 year old should be able to do all this except I wouldn't personally get them to cook one night a week as it's important for kids to have downtime after school - but for a 15 year old, definitely! You need to ensure you and DH are on the same page then present it as a done deal, not for discussion. Try and present the cooking as a fun cool thing to learn together, not a chore, maybe mention some YouTubers/instagrammers who are really into cooking etc. Everything else is just basics of looking after themselves.

ApolloandDaphne · 08/06/2021 11:45

Your average 15yo should pretty much be able to do any chore that you do. The things you mention they should have been doing at a much younger age. How on earth will they learn to take care of themselves if they leave home for uni/work in 3/4 years and they haven't been doing any chores?

idontlikealdi · 08/06/2021 11:48

YABU because my nearly 10 year olds do this!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 08/06/2021 11:49

I actually think it sounds a good list. The responsibility for a load of washing up and laundry plus the gardening and cooking are the things that are appropriate for a 15 year. Some of the others could should have started earlier but I think you are doing well to set an achievable list now.

NameyNameyNameChangey · 08/06/2021 11:51

@IsolaPribby

No, those are not suitable chores for a 15 year old.

They are more suitable for an 9 or 10 year old.

This! Breakfast in bed fine as an occasional treat, not everyday. From the age of 11, I was responsible for getting up, ready for school and out. My parents didn't have time in the mornings to mess around.
DottyDotAgain · 08/06/2021 11:52

Yep - when ds's were 15 they did all the list you've mentioned and then each had additional separate jobs - one hoovered at the weekend and the other put the bins out each week. One set the table for tea every day and the other cleared the table. Both washed up at least once a week and both cooked every fortnight or so - weekly now they're older teens.

I think set jobs for each child is the way to go - as early as possible so it just becomes part of the routine!

mogsrus · 08/06/2021 11:54

Your a real doormat,,you want clean clothes,make sure it's all in the washer,breakfast in bed,what's that all about?,you made a right king size rod for yourself,this rubbish stops now

Stanleysaysyes · 08/06/2021 11:54

Sounds perfect to me!

It's just getting them to do it consistently that is often the problem.