Postnatal depression - partner says I'm "always moaning"

[babyblues21]

I have a 7 week old baby. I've been struggling with PND since her birth. My partner works long shifts and I feel like I barely see him. This morning before he left for work I was offloading some of how I feel every day and I just felt he wasn't listening to me, so I said I feel like you're not listening. And he replied "it just feels like you're always moaning about something". I almost walked out and left him to deal with the baby for the day so he can see what it's like and understand why I feel that way. I have no family support either and I'm sometimes on my own for very long days. He then also said that its all "one sided" because I never ask about his day at work. That's because my head and emotions are so overwhelmed I can't think straight most days by the time he's home and he's often the only adult I've had a conversation with all day. Should I ask about his day more? Am I just moaning when I should be able to get on with it and just be a mum?

Feel like just packing the baby up and leaving as I can't be arsed being around him when he gets home. But I have nowhere to go really.

Just to add baby's sleep is very poor and she cries a LOT at the min. Sometimes I have to go into another room or breathe in the garden for 5 mins just to not hear that sound anymore. I often feel like I'm suffocating. He gets to go to work and has a break from it.

Are you getting some support from your doctor? Your partner doesn’t sound that great but it can be a stressful time

Hi @babyblues21. It does get better, I promise!

What does a general day for you look like? Do you manage to go out anywhere?

@Shoxfordian

Are you getting some support from your doctor? Your partner doesn’t sound that great but it can be a stressful time

I am getting support from professionals yes. I enjoy my appointments with them more than I enjoy my partner being home because I feel they understand me and don't judge me like he does. I feel this is ruining our relationship

Obviously he's out of order here but butting heads isn't likely the best option.

Finding a way to communicate the issues you face and trying to find other topics to discuss might help. Often being confronted immediately before leaving or on getting home can prove very stressful for the partner.

Speak to your GP about your mood as well, that could even make your DP take your ussui more seriously.

He said the wrong thing, that’s for sure. How is he otherwise? If he’s usually supportive, perhaps this time it was the stress and sleep-deprivation talking?

PND is debilitating - I second the advice to talk to your GP about it.

Have you been able to make any friends? I found going to mother-and-baby classes (even at a tiny age) helped me a lot, as I’d be able to talk to other adults and get out and about. Even if you had another mum friend to go for a walk with?

@Snackz

Hi *@babyblues21*. It does get better, I promise!

What does a general day for you look like? Do you manage to go out anywhere?

I've signed up to a few baby classes. We go for walks in the pram occasionally. I have some days where I just lie in bed (when she will let me) and don't bother getting dressed or anything. Every day is different really. On the bad days it's just a lot of crying and lying in bed wishing I was somewhere else.

Oh crossed post! I see you are getting support from the doctor.

Maybe you could send him an article about post natal depression so he can see that it’s real and it’s incredibly hard to go through?

@Denimdenmin

Oh crossed post! I see you are getting support from the doctor.

Maybe you could send him an article about post natal depression so he can see that it’s real and it’s incredibly hard to go through?

I already have shown him lots of stuff online and he's even met one of my mental health professionals. He's seen me in a very bad way and he's had conversations with the professionals supporting me too about it etc. But since he went back to work after his paternity leave it's almost like he's switched off from how much I'm struggling instead of being the supportive person he was when he was off work at the beginning

@Denimdenmin

He said the wrong thing, that’s for sure. How is he otherwise? If he’s usually supportive, perhaps this time it was the stress and sleep-deprivation talking?

PND is debilitating - I second the advice to talk to your GP about it.

Have you been able to make any friends? I found going to mother-and-baby classes (even at a tiny age) helped me a lot, as I’d be able to talk to other adults and get out and about. Even if you had another mum friend to go for a walk with?

Usually supportive yes. Practically in a hands on sense I literally can't fault him. He will sometimes do the night feeds when I'm on my knees and then go to work the next day on very little sleep. But emotionally speaking, I just feel he doesn't "get" me, if that makes sense. If I try to offload to him he seems to switch off

Congratulations on your DD!
Have you discussed this with your GP or health visitor OP? If not, please do try and get support. It sounds like your DP doesn’t understand PND and maybe is also tired if your DD isn’t sleeping? Is he otherwise supportive and is this your first baby? Neither of you will be sure of what to do and he’s maybe not coping as well as he might with your focus being on DD and internal because of how you’re feeling.

Can you agree to give each other 5 mins each with a cuppa/beer when he comes home to tell the other about your day? You’re both tired and fed up at the end of the day, it sounds. Both have had a long tiring day, and creating a wee ritual that decompresses you and acknowledges each other might help.

Do you have any support locally? Someone who could come over and sit with DD for an hour to let you have a shower and a nap?

Could you reframe asking him about his day as something that's good for you too? When I had bad days (I have suffered with anxiety and depression in the past) it's like a loud roaring doom in my head. Or that's the best I can describe it. Anyway, I would see conversations with other people as a distraction to help me ignore the "noise" and that often felt better then trying to ignore the noise by myself.

Basically, try to see those conversations as something that can be good for you rather than another chore you need to do.

Though that can be hard and maybe you aren't at a place where you can do that yet. And that's ok! You're already taking steps to make help yourself, that's great.

This probably sounds very selfish but when he said i don't ask about his day all I could think was ...... that's because I don't care what happened in your office all day where you have a team of people to support you and regular breaks where no one continues to scream at you while you try to make a cup of tea or use the toilet! Do you realise how much easier you have it at work?! Do you realise how much I'd love to escape to my own job right now, even for one day, just so I can breathe??!

Urgh I sound unhinged don't I

I think there's a middle ground here. It's good you're getting some help from professionals and it can be a long road to come out the other side of PND. It sounds like he's communicated to you what he's not happy about, but just worded it badly. You having PND doesn't mean he's not entitled to tell you how he feels and looking at this from his perspective, it is tiring living with someone with depression - it's all consuming for everyone. Of course you shouldn't apologise for the way you feel but now he's told you how he feels about your behaviour, you should try to make an effort to ask him how his day is if that's what he needs. Similarly if there is something he can do to help you, you should speak to him. The early days are really hard but it does get better - getting out and about will make you feel much better too, seeing and speaking to others mums and it makes the days pass much quicker (which is sometimes a blessing!).

@babyblues21 I always hated the idea of baby classes but signed up for one anyway. I'm so glad I did as it gave me lots of good ideas to do at home with my baby, I made friends with another Mum who I try and see once a week and it's nice just to get out. Hopefully you'll get a positive experience from them too

I would suggest you try and get up, washed and dressed everyday as small things like that will massively help how you feel.

As for your partner, he may be struggling too. Do you and him have any time together? Maybe once baby settles down? We originally made the mistake of going to bed the same time as our baby which left no time for us. Now, we always stay up a little after her bed time, have a cuppa and some snacks and just talk to each other. We may talk about how we're feeling, what we've done in the day... it helps so much and I can recommend it

@WannabeMathematician

Could you reframe asking him about his day as something that's good for you too? When I had bad days (I have suffered with anxiety and depression in the past) it's like a loud roaring doom in my head. Or that's the best I can describe it. Anyway, I would see conversations with other people as a distraction to help me ignore the "noise" and that often felt better then trying to ignore the noise by myself.

Basically, try to see those conversations as something that can be good for you rather than another chore you need to do.

Though that can be hard and maybe you aren't at a place where you can do that yet. And that's ok! You're already taking steps to make help yourself, that's great.

I like this idea ... hadn't thought of it as like a distraction actually

@Snackz

She has no bedtime because she hardly sleeps. Sometimes it's 1am before she settles. We have literally zero time together as a couple; sometimes the only way we can conduct a conversation is to shout about a crying baby as we pass her back and forth between us trying to soothe her. Or for me to go upstairs and try to settle her and i text him upstairs. That's the extent of our communication now. We had such a good relationship before. I'm just so lost with how to fix it

*shout above, not about

You both need to accept that the first weeks and months of a new baby are very tough and stop expecting too much from each other to make less so. You are both coping with change, you more than him but it doesn't mean it's not hard on him too if only because he is probably very much worried.

You need to ride the wave and in your case, try to see how to feel less lonely during the day if possible. Agree a 10 minute frame when you get to moan freely about the challenges of your day and he does the same without making it a competition of who has it worse.

Remember that it really will get better as normality sets in and you establish a new pattern to your life. In a few weeks time, your sleep will start to get better, and you'll have the summer to enjoy feeling more confident I your new role.

In the meantime, try as much as you can to get through it without resenting your OH. You'll get through it.

@babyblues21 Does she settle in her pram?

The first year is the hardest op. You both need to work together otherwise resentment builds up and everything becomes a bigger problem. I'm glad you are getting professional help. When you are both calmer, have a talk. Tell him how you feel, let him tell you how he feels. I also went through pnd. I remembered one morning dh was about to leave for work and I burst into uncontrollable tears. He immediately took me to the doc who prescribed AD for a while. He took a week off work to give me support. Can your counsellor help you to have a conversation with him? X

Do you have any support locally? Someone who could come over and sit with DD for an hour to let you have a shower and a nap?

Very little

[quote Snackz]@babyblues21 Does she settle in her pram? [/quote]

Not really, mostly just the car. But wakes as soon as she's taken out of car seat

@Zari29

The first year is the hardest op. You both need to work together otherwise resentment builds up and everything becomes a bigger problem. I'm glad you are getting professional help. When you are both calmer, have a talk. Tell him how you feel, let him tell you how he feels. I also went through pnd. I remembered one morning dh was about to leave for work and I burst into uncontrollable tears. He immediately took me to the doc who prescribed AD for a while. He took a week off work to give me support. Can your counsellor help you to have a conversation with him? X

My counsellor wants us to have a joint session at some point so she can help him understand

@babyblues21 Tips like this are why I found CBT really helpful. I'm fairly sure I know why I suffer from these feeling but what I needed was help to process them as I felt them and help to ensure I don't enter a doom spiral which is what CBT is good for.