Postnatal depression - partner says I'm "always moaning"

[babyblues21]

I have a 7 week old baby. I've been struggling with PND since her birth. My partner works long shifts and I feel like I barely see him. This morning before he left for work I was offloading some of how I feel every day and I just felt he wasn't listening to me, so I said I feel like you're not listening. And he replied "it just feels like you're always moaning about something". I almost walked out and left him to deal with the baby for the day so he can see what it's like and understand why I feel that way. I have no family support either and I'm sometimes on my own for very long days. He then also said that its all "one sided" because I never ask about his day at work. That's because my head and emotions are so overwhelmed I can't think straight most days by the time he's home and he's often the only adult I've had a conversation with all day. Should I ask about his day more? Am I just moaning when I should be able to get on with it and just be a mum?

Feel like just packing the baby up and leaving as I can't be arsed being around him when he gets home. But I have nowhere to go really.

Is he otherwise supportive and is this your first baby?

Yes otherwise supportive and yes first baby

I wonder if his snapping back at you was sissy related to the timing of your conversation.

If he's just about to leave for a long shift, then he's probably concentrating on getting out of the house, not being late etc.

It's never going to be a time that he can sit down and listen to you properly. And no, he probably wasn't fully listening, because he was likely rushing round trying to get ready. There's a big difference between 'i can't be bothered to listen' not listening and 'argh I need to do x,y,z and leave in 5 minutes' not listening.

I might get shot down here but i didn't realise how hard it is trying to support someone who is PND or ‘regularly’ depressed. Maybe he just doesn't know what to say because it feels like it doesn't help. What he said was insensitive but having spent 2 months with DH who is going through a lot I have spent a lot of time between guilt, worry and exhaustion because I don't know what to do. It's not a quick fix and it's hard to get your head around and I am sure that my DH has felt like you about my reaction. Sit him down and be honest about how your feeling, tell him what you need perhaps. If he's normally supportive maybe he's also struggling with the situation. It's hard on you both x

Often being confronted immediately before leaving or on getting home can prove very stressful for the partner.

I get that ... but It just feels like there's literally no other times for us to have a conversation sometimes

@Babyboomtastic

I wonder if his snapping back at you was sissy related to the timing of your conversation.

If he's just about to leave for a long shift, then he's probably concentrating on getting out of the house, not being late etc.

It's never going to be a time that he can sit down and listen to you properly. And no, he probably wasn't fully listening, because he was likely rushing round trying to get ready. There's a big difference between 'i can't be bothered to listen' not listening and 'argh I need to do x,y,z and leave in 5 minutes' not listening.

When I say before he left for work I mean 2 hours before - we were both awake at 5am with the baby and he doesn't leave til 7am. I don't mean I was trying to talk to him as he was rushing out the door. We were both still sitting in bed at that point when I was trying to talk to him.

He just looked zoned out and disinterested the minute I started saying what was on my mind etc from the day before (hadn't had a chance to talk the evening before as he got home at 8pm and then we had the baby to sort between us)

@babyblues21

This probably sounds very selfish but when he said i don't ask about his day all I could think was ...... that's because I don't care what happened in your office all day where you have a team of people to support you and regular breaks where no one continues to scream at you while you try to make a cup of tea or use the toilet! Do you realise how much easier you have it at work?! Do you realise how much I'd love to escape to my own job right now, even for one day, just so I can breathe??!

Urgh I sound unhinged don't I

When are you planning on going back to work? I prefer short mat leaves as they stop me going barmy. They’re unusual but not bad if it’s what you prefer.

I had PND so I understand. Afterwards, when I recovered, I realised how hard it must be to live with someone who is depressed. There are a few other things I learned during my time bringing up my four and fostering new borns. They might help, they might not.

1. My mum used to say that little babies shouldn't be over handled because "Their little bones hurt". When my 4th baby was born I at last understood what she meant. The baby cried a lot, and we were constantly holding, patting, rocking her, trying to pacify her. Nothing worked. Then one day, my husband took her from me and said "You are going to eat one meal in peace" and put her in her cot. That was when we discovered that she liked to cry for 5-10 minutes before she went to sleep. It worked for the 5 new born babies I fostered, too.
2. Breast fed babies can be affected by the foods you eat.
3. One of my foster babies was with me from one day old until she was 5 months old. She cried ALL the time, and my sadness when she left was tempered by my relief at not having the constant screaming. When she was 15 months old she was diagnosed as severely allergic to milk, eggs and several other things. She had been really suffering whilst with me.
4. Often just laying the baby on their tummy on your lap will help.

and this: www.hellomagazine.com/the-buzz/2015120328606/doctor-reveals-secret-soothe-crying-babies-the-hold/

If your feeding method and finances allow could you find a child miner who would take your baby for a couple of hours a week? Maybe a Friday afternoon so it sets you up for the weekend? So you can get some down time. Maybe catch up on sleep or go shopping or see a friend. Just find some space for you?
I had a friend who ended up going back to work when baby was 8 weeks as she just couldn't cope any more. Baby went to nursery and is now a strapping teen and has a great relationship with his mum - maybe that is something to think about.

@FudgeSundae

When she's 8 months old was my plan as she'll be in FT nursery and I have a lot of guilt about that as it is, so bringing it forward would crush me in a different way 😣

[quote 81Byerley]I had PND so I understand. Afterwards, when I recovered, I realised how hard it must be to live with someone who is depressed. There are a few other things I learned during my time bringing up my four and fostering new borns. They might help, they might not.

1. My mum used to say that little babies shouldn't be over handled because "Their little bones hurt". When my 4th baby was born I at last understood what she meant. The baby cried a lot, and we were constantly holding, patting, rocking her, trying to pacify her. Nothing worked. Then one day, my husband took her from me and said "You are going to eat one meal in peace" and put her in her cot. That was when we discovered that she liked to cry for 5-10 minutes before she went to sleep. It worked for the 5 new born babies I fostered, too.
2. Breast fed babies can be affected by the foods you eat.
3. One of my foster babies was with me from one day old until she was 5 months old. She cried ALL the time, and my sadness when she left was tempered by my relief at not having the constant screaming. When she was 15 months old she was diagnosed as severely allergic to milk, eggs and several other things. She had been really suffering whilst with me.
4. Often just laying the baby on their tummy on your lap will help.

and this: www.hellomagazine.com/the-buzz/2015120328606/doctor-reveals-secret-soothe-crying-babies-the-hold/[/quote]

How will I find out if she has an allergy? Will the GP test her at such a young age? She is breastfed so it could be an issue and might explain the constant crying

My counsellor wants us to have a joint session at some point so she can help him understand
Are you prepare to accept that it must not be easy for him either? Living with someone with depression is tough, demoralising, frustrating and very scary.

If you make it all about you and you only, you are not going to go very far with getting his support. This is the time you need to approach this as 'us' and 'we', not me me and me.

Just to add that I had two babies with colic and it's hell. The first one was due to lactose intolerance. Unfortuately, she then had more issues for months. My second was just as bad but the cause never found.

It is very very hard, so be kind on yourself. Don't feel guilty about anything, you are in coping mode and as long as you provide primary care to your baby, he will be ok.

Someone told me at then that time was my best friend. I wanted to smack them, but ultimately, they were so right. It's a case of take it one day at a time and it WILL get better. However, don't let this kill your relationship. You can get through it together.

Even the strongest of couples struggle after having a baby, it’s completely normal. It’s an incredibly difficult period in anyone’s life and I’d say the first 3 months are the toughest whether it’s your first or sixth! It can all feel a bit soul sucking at that stage when you’re knackered and it’s easy to see how resentment builds when your OH gets to leave in the morning for a long day away from home leaving you stuck behind. I totally get it, I’ve felt similarly and the pandemic has amplified things especially when baby groups were closed so it’s great they’re reopening now.

It does get easier. I know everyone says it and it’s difficult to believe but I promise it does. The tiny baby stage lasts 2 seconds, they do sleep through eventually and the fog definitely starts to lift. Baby groups may help, even if you don’t talk to anyone there it can just help to be away from the house amongst other people.

The adjustment is so hard isn’t it, especially when you’ve had a close and good relationship with your partner pre-baby. I really missed mine until our baby was about 5-6 months (even though we spent all our time together due to lockdown).

I wonder if your evenings could look different. We spent the first 3 months taking turns to hold baby in the evenings- she’s go down in her cot when we were going to bed. Dimmed the lights, put something very mild on to watch with subtitles (old bake off on 4od was good, sound on very low). We could chat and spend the evening together that way. At about 3 months we started putting her down in the Moses basket in the living room and then 4.5 months she started going down in the bedroom and that led to proper bedtime routine, so now we have our evenings back. She was a real crier too during the “witching hour” so some evenings were quite disrupted but overall this worked for us as a couple too.

I remember those days! Great advice from everyone.

It will get easier. I think just ask him about his day, this is a small thing for you but a big thing for him. It may help you too.

When I used to moan to my husband he’d ask me to say two positive things. That helped me too.

Also, could you go for a walk together in the evening with the baby in a carrier? Lovely weather and it’s easier to talk when walking.

@AudHvamm

The adjustment is so hard isn’t it, especially when you’ve had a close and good relationship with your partner pre-baby. I really missed mine until our baby was about 5-6 months (even though we spent all our time together due to lockdown).

I wonder if your evenings could look different. We spent the first 3 months taking turns to hold baby in the evenings- she’s go down in her cot when we were going to bed. Dimmed the lights, put something very mild on to watch with subtitles (old bake off on 4od was good, sound on very low). We could chat and spend the evening together that way. At about 3 months we started putting her down in the Moses basket in the living room and then 4.5 months she started going down in the bedroom and that led to proper bedtime routine, so now we have our evenings back. She was a real crier too during the “witching hour” so some evenings were quite disrupted but overall this worked for us as a couple too.

Yes exactly this - we had such a strong relationship before she arrived so it's just breaking my heart to be honest.

We do try this - but she cries through a lot of what we try to do, the minute she's put down. We can't watch anything for longer than 10-15 mins at a time. Also because he works long shifts by the time he's home there's always jobs to do etc in the house that I haven't had the chance to do with a clingy crying baby, so we end up passing her back and forth and taking turns to look after baby / do household tasks. It's draining and it feels like we are housemates who just parent together when he's home and little else. We literally don't even show interest in each other as people in our own right anymore. Everything is about the baby. Everything.

@babyblues21 I would highly recommend trying to get into a routine though. Youll have tears, you'll have screaming, you'll have arguments with your DH and it is easier said than done but so worth it!

@vivainsomnia

My counsellor wants us to have a joint session at some point so she can help him understand Are you prepare to accept that it must not be easy for him either? Living with someone with depression is tough, demoralising, frustrating and very scary.

If you make it all about you and you only, you are not going to go very far with getting his support. This is the time you need to approach this as 'us' and 'we', not me me and me.

I realise I probably sound that way but it's just a reflection of how unwell I am I guess. It's utterly utterly draining and scary to fight thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore for 12 hours at a time with no friends or family around me to share it with, and a tiny baby screaming at me constantly to just confirm that I am indeed the worlds shittest mother. I just feel like I'm drowning. I also had a traumatic birth and experience panic attacks related to that. So if it sounds "me me me" it's probably because I'm struggling to escape from my own head

@babyblues21 We walk our dog with baby in the pram on a night, come back, straight into the bath, then a bottle, story and cuddles and bed. Took some time though.

[quote Snackz]@babyblues21 We walk our dog with baby in the pram on a night, come back, straight into the bath, then a bottle, story and cuddles and bed. Took some time though. [/quote]

I've started trying some sort of routine the past few nights but it so much harder if he works a long day and isn't home til 8pm

You poor woman.

This all sounds very very hard, on you both.

But particularly on you.

The days are so long when you are suffering so badly.

Please contact your GP and stress how badly you are feeling and the negative thoughts you are having of possibly self harming.

Nothing will be gained by down playing how awful you feel.

You need extra support.
Please reach out for it.

I really feel for you.

@doorornottodoor

I remember those days! Great advice from everyone.

It will get easier. I think just ask him about his day, this is a small thing for you but a big thing for him. It may help you too.

When I used to moan to my husband he’d ask me to say two positive things. That helped me too.

Also, could you go for a walk together in the evening with the baby in a carrier? Lovely weather and it’s easier to talk when walking.

I tell him the positive stuff too - and show him pics and videos of what she's done that day etc in the good moments we've had. I do honestly try to balance it out. But there are times when I want to just vent and say fuck me this is HARD! To someone, anyone. And he just seems to disengage at those points - it's almost like he only wants to hear the good.

I also have scary intrusive thoughts about harm coming to my baby and it being my fault somehow. Like if I take her out in the car I am a nervous wreck, pulling the car over every so often to get out and check she's not too hot or that she's still breathing. I go through cycles of this daily. It's just overwhelming

I think you're getting a hard time of it.
I could have posted this. The difference is this isn't my first and I know at some point it will ease. That doesn't make my PND go away though.
You will get back to having time with your partner and your baby won't be like this forever. Though it feels like it.
I also think some babies are naturally fussier and it depends on your parenting style too.
People like to say you should be doing this that or the other but they can't advise you if it's not right for you.
People have said to me that me holding my baby so much is causing a lot of my problems but I 100% can't get housework done while she screams because it makes me feel ill. So I don't. That doesn't make me feel good either, but at least she's calm and sleeping 🤷‍♀️