Postnatal depression - partner says I'm "always moaning"

[babyblues21]

I have a 7 week old baby. I've been struggling with PND since her birth. My partner works long shifts and I feel like I barely see him. This morning before he left for work I was offloading some of how I feel every day and I just felt he wasn't listening to me, so I said I feel like you're not listening. And he replied "it just feels like you're always moaning about something". I almost walked out and left him to deal with the baby for the day so he can see what it's like and understand why I feel that way. I have no family support either and I'm sometimes on my own for very long days. He then also said that its all "one sided" because I never ask about his day at work. That's because my head and emotions are so overwhelmed I can't think straight most days by the time he's home and he's often the only adult I've had a conversation with all day. Should I ask about his day more? Am I just moaning when I should be able to get on with it and just be a mum?

Feel like just packing the baby up and leaving as I can't be arsed being around him when he gets home. But I have nowhere to go really.

@babyblues21

I also have scary intrusive thoughts about harm coming to my baby and it being my fault somehow. Like if I take her out in the car I am a nervous wreck, pulling the car over every so often to get out and check she's not too hot or that she's still breathing. I go through cycles of this daily. It's just overwhelming

I've had these thoughts and they're awful, they do lessen. The fighting as a couple in the first few months lessens too as baby settles. Could you consider bottle feeding, breast milk or formula, to take some pressure off you? Could you hire a doula or a night nurse to help you out for a couple of days just to reset your headspace and sleep?

First baby is hard, first baby with PND is really hard. You're speaking with professionals, you're doing the very best for you and your baby. Someone outside doesn't fully get what you feel, plenty of us mams here do, it does get better and you will love being with your baby. Sometimes the struggle feels so big you think you will never enjoy being a mam, you will get there ❤

Hey OP

No advice, but I have a baby too she's 16 weeks now and she's my first one. It's bloody hard. Everyone always says that and I did believe them, but now I know it is.

I have had moments with my partner where I feel like he doesn't understand the sacrifices I have made to my body and my mental health so that we could have a child.

I think I would have lost it with your husband to be quite honest.

You're doing really well.

It’s true your relationship really is about your baby for now. As pp has said it’s not necessarily helpful to hear but I promise it will pass. I hadn’t expected the impact on our relationship, I knew people said they argued more or didn’t have time for each other but me and DH have been such “lovers” for so long I just kind of assumed it would be different. He probably misses you too, and may even feel guilty that he’s out all day.

On a practical note I’d imagine it is harder to have a routine if your partner’s shifts are irregular. But your baby is still so tiny. At that stage you can approach it more as a rhythm than clock-based routine. Eat, “play”, sleep in short cycles of 2 hrs or so. Just take each one at a time. Drop your expectations of yourself, a few weeks/months of messy house, only eating toast won’t matter in the long run.

You definitely do need people to moan and let off steam to as well as the professional support. Having a newborn is hard, healing from birth is hard, processing birth trauma is hard. There are a lot of “not nice” feelings involved but people can find then hard to hear. That’s about them, not you. Your partner might not always be the right person for you to share this with at the moment. If you can connect with other local mums you might find that (one to one more likely than in a group) they welcome the chance to have a joint moan, even feel liberated by not having to pretend it’s all great.

It’s ok to feel ‘broken’ but remember you have sought and engaged with help (counselling etc), can identify the issues between you and your DP, are showing up every day to care for your child alone. That takes a lot of strength OP.

It’s so hard. I remember that stage with DS and I thought I’d made the most awful mistake in having him. He’s the apple of my eye but that baby stage was like hell!!

I agree with what everyone here has said. Please do get out with the baby even if it’s just for a walk. I used to stick DS in the pram or sling and put my headphones in at full volume while he cried. I found he settled much easier on a walk.

If you can go to baby groups, or swimming etc, go. Not just to get you out but so you can meet other people going through this. It helped me so much to see I wasn’t alone. Plus other parents can empathise and share tips. When I had PND I got referred to a baby massage class with DS through my health visitor and it was the best thing ever for me.

You do both need time to adjust and time to complain but share the good too. It can be relentless when you are both being negative, so give each other a quick blast of whinge time and then talk about anything else. And lower your expectations of what needs doing around the house, or get a cleaner, it seems so important but it isn’t.

If you do feel the baby could have an allergy etc do go to the GP, but I’ll be honest I spent hours trying to figure out why DS would never stop and it wasn’t something I could fix and it made me even more stressed.

It’s so tough because it’s so different from anything you’ve ever been through before. I was always told ‘a baby is a bomb in the best relationship’ because they do turn your world upside down. I got through it by thinking in terms of ‘yet’. So instead of thinking ‘I can’t have a shower in peace.’ Or ‘I can’t have a night cuddling DH on the sofa’ I’d try to think ‘I can’t have that yet‘ it just helped me stay positive and remember that this stage would pass.

Keep talking and just be kind to yourself and each other.

People have said to me that me holding my baby so much is causing a lot of my problems but I 100% can't get housework done while she screams because it makes me feel ill. So I don't.

I can completely relate. I feel sick to my stomach and almost physically in pain when she screams. I just have to hold her to calm her.

@RaeRaeMama

Hey OP

No advice, but I have a baby too she's 16 weeks now and she's my first one. It's bloody hard. Everyone always says that and I did believe them, but now I know it is.

I have had moments with my partner where I feel like he doesn't understand the sacrifices I have made to my body and my mental health so that we could have a child.

I think I would have lost it with your husband to be quite honest.

You're doing really well.

Exactly this! I feel like he just doesn't get the sacrifices I've made physically, mentally and emotionally. My body is a wreck too, I keep telling him all the time I'm still suffering the physical effects of a difficult birth not to mention being over a stone heavier than I was a year ago. It's just so depressing on top of all the emotions I'm going through and the constant 24/7 demands of a screaming baby. He doesn't get it. At all. It's probably pointless me wishing he did, he never will, will he?

@AudHvamm

It’s true your relationship really is about your baby for now. As pp has said it’s not necessarily helpful to hear but I promise it will pass. I hadn’t expected the impact on our relationship, I knew people said they argued more or didn’t have time for each other but me and DH have been such “lovers” for so long I just kind of assumed it would be different. He probably misses you too, and may even feel guilty that he’s out all day.

On a practical note I’d imagine it is harder to have a routine if your partner’s shifts are irregular. But your baby is still so tiny. At that stage you can approach it more as a rhythm than clock-based routine. Eat, “play”, sleep in short cycles of 2 hrs or so. Just take each one at a time. Drop your expectations of yourself, a few weeks/months of messy house, only eating toast won’t matter in the long run.

You definitely do need people to moan and let off steam to as well as the professional support. Having a newborn is hard, healing from birth is hard, processing birth trauma is hard. There are a lot of “not nice” feelings involved but people can find then hard to hear. That’s about them, not you. Your partner might not always be the right person for you to share this with at the moment. If you can connect with other local mums you might find that (one to one more likely than in a group) they welcome the chance to have a joint moan, even feel liberated by not having to pretend it’s all great.

It’s ok to feel ‘broken’ but remember you have sought and engaged with help (counselling etc), can identify the issues between you and your DP, are showing up every day to care for your child alone. That takes a lot of strength OP.

Thank you so much x

@OfTheNight

It’s so hard. I remember that stage with DS and I thought I’d made the most awful mistake in having him. He’s the apple of my eye but that baby stage was like hell!!

I agree with what everyone here has said. Please do get out with the baby even if it’s just for a walk. I used to stick DS in the pram or sling and put my headphones in at full volume while he cried. I found he settled much easier on a walk.

If you can go to baby groups, or swimming etc, go. Not just to get you out but so you can meet other people going through this. It helped me so much to see I wasn’t alone. Plus other parents can empathise and share tips. When I had PND I got referred to a baby massage class with DS through my health visitor and it was the best thing ever for me.

You do both need time to adjust and time to complain but share the good too. It can be relentless when you are both being negative, so give each other a quick blast of whinge time and then talk about anything else. And lower your expectations of what needs doing around the house, or get a cleaner, it seems so important but it isn’t.

If you do feel the baby could have an allergy etc do go to the GP, but I’ll be honest I spent hours trying to figure out why DS would never stop and it wasn’t something I could fix and it made me even more stressed.

It’s so tough because it’s so different from anything you’ve ever been through before. I was always told ‘a baby is a bomb in the best relationship’ because they do turn your world upside down. I got through it by thinking in terms of ‘yet’. So instead of thinking ‘I can’t have a shower in peace.’ Or ‘I can’t have a night cuddling DH on the sofa’ I’d try to think ‘I can’t have that yet‘ it just helped me stay positive and remember that this stage would pass.

Keep talking and just be kind to yourself and each other.

Thank you - the "not yet" thing helps me a little

Getting some professional support to offload would be a good idea. In the kindest possible way, being the person that someone with depression offloads onto every day is extremely challenging (I've been that person) and your husband is dealing with other challenges at the moment. He may not be able to give you the support you need. Try to find some professional support if you can (I know it's very difficult but things might become easier with him if you aren't having a mis-match on you wanting him to fulfil that need, and him not being able to).

@Lalliebelle

Getting some professional support to offload would be a good idea. In the kindest possible way, being the person that someone with depression offloads onto every day is extremely challenging (I've been that person) and your husband is dealing with other challenges at the moment. He may not be able to give you the support you need. Try to find some professional support if you can (I know it's very difficult but things might become easier with him if you aren't having a mis-match on you wanting him to fulfil that need, and him not being able to).

I have a team of MH professionals involved. It's just that when he comes home and asks how my day was, I give him an honest answer and share both the good and bad parts. He seems to not want to hear the bad anymore. I almost feel like he'd rather I just lie. I feel like he wants me to be "over" the PND and just coping. I'm someone who doesn't see the point in being with someone who I can't be candid and honest with about my feelings.

It is difficult. Mabe he is feeling stressed with his job. I agree with the joint session counselling. Then it will give you both a chance to see things from the other person's point of view. It is hard time with a newborn when you have no help and are alone all day.

@Viviennemary

He does have a particularly stressful and full on job, so I'm sure he is feeling like that. I suppose I just assumed once baby arrived that the focus might shift a little from either of our jobs to put baby. Like, if it was me at work and him at home, I'd be more interested in being updated on how his day when the baby had been than talking about me day - because I'm more interested in my baby than I am my job. If that makes sense? But it doesn't seem that he has that same level of interest... unless all is going well. Then he's all ears. I don't know if I'm making sense. I'm rambling

I have a team of MH professionals involved. It's just that when he comes home and asks how my day was, I give him an honest answer and share both the good and bad parts. He seems to not want to hear the bad anymore. I almost feel like he'd rather I just lie. I feel like he wants me to be "over" the PND and just coping. I'm someone who doesn't see the point in being with someone who I can't be candid and honest with about my feelings.

As someone who had had a severely depressed partner, it's important that you focus on your health but do also recognise that he is a person as well, who is struggling too. If he came home from work and told you all about how hard the day had been, and how he was having to go to work with almost no sleep due to night feeds and how he was worried for and about you... Likely you'd find it overwhelming. And if it was a regular occurrence for weeks and weeks, it might be even harder to cope with, even if you weren't depressed yourself. Especially if he then didn't want to hear about your day at all, or blamed you for not listening.

You need and deserve support and it's great you've got a team of professionals. Even if he's not depressed himself, he is still struggling and has no team behind him, and is trying to be a part of your team too.

You need to work together, and if you see your counsellor together, you need to be ready to listen to him just like you want him to listen to you.

Depression killed our marriage, in the end - he was so angry and blamed me and the kids when he was down, and now when he's better he is terribly sorry and wants us all back, but sometimes things just break and there's no coming back. Fortunately this isn't always the case, but you do have to try to work out what you both need, and what is real and what is the depression trying to tell you things. You sound like a very loving parent, and you can get through this

Hi OP.

Just wanted to say that my baby was similar. It was a really dark time, I used the physically pull my hair out some days as the screaming was so bad. The doctor was totally useless. In the end I gave up all dairy and soy products from my diet (was breastfeeding) and within a few weeks she was like a different baby! She still doesn’t have it now almost 3 years on.

DH and I struggled massively in those first few months but it does get so much better.

@OverTheRubicon

I have a team of MH professionals involved. It's just that when he comes home and asks how my day was, I give him an honest answer and share both the good and bad parts. He seems to not want to hear the bad anymore. I almost feel like he'd rather I just lie. I feel like he wants me to be "over" the PND and just coping. I'm someone who doesn't see the point in being with someone who I can't be candid and honest with about my feelings.

As someone who had had a severely depressed partner, it's important that you focus on your health but do also recognise that he is a person as well, who is struggling too. If he came home from work and told you all about how hard the day had been, and how he was having to go to work with almost no sleep due to night feeds and how he was worried for and about you... Likely you'd find it overwhelming. And if it was a regular occurrence for weeks and weeks, it might be even harder to cope with, even if you weren't depressed yourself. Especially if he then didn't want to hear about your day at all, or blamed you for not listening.

You need and deserve support and it's great you've got a team of professionals. Even if he's not depressed himself, he is still struggling and has no team behind him, and is trying to be a part of your team too.

You need to work together, and if you see your counsellor together, you need to be ready to listen to him just like you want him to listen to you.

Depression killed our marriage, in the end - he was so angry and blamed me and the kids when he was down, and now when he's better he is terribly sorry and wants us all back, but sometimes things just break and there's no coming back. Fortunately this isn't always the case, but you do have to try to work out what you both need, and what is real and what is the depression trying to tell you things. You sound like a very loving parent, and you can get through this

So when he asks how my day has been, are you suggesting I should just relay the brief good parts where baby smiled at me, or when I got out for a walk. The parts where I sobbed uncontrollably on the floor in the other room just to have a break from the constant crying, or had a panic attack whilst driving at the thought of her not breathing, or tried to fight off yet more thoughts of being the shittest mother in the world... should I just leave those parts out? I mean they make up around 80% of my day, so. I'd be leaving out a lot.

@OverTheRubicon
Of course I recognise he's a person too. I find that comment a bit patronising

He is also a human being and you continuing to dump your emotional toxic waste on one individual constantly is extremely draining.

You may not see it this way as you're just sharing your day but the constant flow of negativity really does affect the partner or support in this situation and becomes so toxic.

It's good you're in contact with your gp and the post natal mh team but I think its important that you try and consider your partners feelings as well.

It's going to be difficult mh issues are inherently selfish but just small things and maybe creating a space after or before work once you have a proper routine to discuss things could be really beneficial

@Mummytomylittlegirl

Hi OP.

Just wanted to say that my baby was similar. It was a really dark time, I used the physically pull my hair out some days as the screaming was so bad. The doctor was totally useless. In the end I gave up all dairy and soy products from my diet (was breastfeeding) and within a few weeks she was like a different baby! She still doesn’t have it now almost 3 years on.

DH and I struggled massively in those first few months but it does get so much better.

Thanks for sharing - I'm going to make a docs appointment to see if they can test her for allergies as I've been wondering about this for a while now

Emotional toxic waste. Lovely.

Thankfully there are some supportive people on here too !

@babyblues21 don’t be surprised if the doctors fob you off and just say ‘colic’ which isn’t even a diagnosis. I had all the reflux meds, gaviscon and ranitidine and he decided to prescribe dairy free formula even though I was breastfeeding as it ‘doesn’t come through!’. Also test wise they probably won’t do anything- DD never had a rash it was just the stiffness and crying.

Might not be your experience but just to say. Health visitors can be better and refer to dieticians. I would consider giving it up for a few weeks though to see if you see a change.

Anyway bit of a waffle but just to say you’re not alone and the stress can be unbearable so please go easy on yourself. I’m due twins soon and I’m so so worried they will cry a lot too, it’s scary having to mentally prepare myself for it again.

[quote Mummytomylittlegirl]@babyblues21 don’t be surprised if the doctors fob you off and just say ‘colic’ which isn’t even a diagnosis. I had all the reflux meds, gaviscon and ranitidine and he decided to prescribe dairy free formula even though I was breastfeeding as it ‘doesn’t come through!’. Also test wise they probably won’t do anything- DD never had a rash it was just the stiffness and crying.

Might not be your experience but just to say. Health visitors can be better and refer to dieticians. I would consider giving it up for a few weeks though to see if you see a change.

Anyway bit of a waffle but just to say you’re not alone and the stress can be unbearable so please go easy on yourself. I’m due twins soon and I’m so so worried they will cry a lot too, it’s scary having to mentally prepare myself for it again.[/quote]
Thank you!
I'm just about to call the docs now while she is relatively settled.
Good luck with your twins x

In sorry and I mean this gently but you are being a little unfair on him. There is nothing so draining as a person moaning and not seeing the good in anything.

Also it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy - you talk about how hard everything is so you keep believing it's hard and it reminds you of the bad bits.

Bring honest and saying I found today tough. I was upset this morning because X but positively I dealt with it by going for a lovely long walk and coming home and enjoying some sunshine in the garden.

Reframe it to you and him. Acknowledge that some bits are hard but you are making positive steps forward to deal with what you find hard.

You need to go back to your GP or mental health team. Your DH probably feels helpless that he is unable to be of any practical help to improve things as he is working such long hours. Then he comes home and hears how awful your day was but yet can't do anything.

Bring honest and saying I found today tough. I was upset this morning because X but positively I dealt with it by going for a lovely long walk and coming home and enjoying some sunshine in the garden.

Yes there are many, many days where this is what I do say. But I'm only human and this morning it all just came out. So his reply of "you're always moaning" is bollocks anyway because I try; I really do try to not be that way as much as possible

@Viviennemary

You need to go back to your GP or mental health team. Your DH probably feels helpless that he is unable to be of any practical help to improve things as he is working such long hours. Then he comes home and hears how awful your day was but yet can't do anything.

I have weekly meetings with the MH team and they are always available on the phone - I do call them when I'm having a particularly bad moment